Why do men do this?

[truthbetold]

I think I have the most terrible luck with men out of anyone.
I'm only 19, but I've already had almost 10 boyfriends. None lasted more than three months, even though one I had serious talk about marriage and children with. We both believed we were soulmates, but then he had a freak out and moved a thousand miles away.
But the most common thing that happens, is that the man (out of seemingly nowhere) freaks out. Almost overnight it goes from lovey dovey to "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship" "My head is all messed up" "I don't know if we're right for each other" etc etc.
I have no idea what the problem is. I don't act overly clingy or pushy. I'm just myself, in every relationship I'm in. Often, I treat the men like they treat me- if they are lovey dovey, I'm the same back. If they are more casual, so am I. I just try and match my pace to theirs.
My new boyfriend has really got me in a tizzy. First off, he says I'm too good for him. Granted, maybe he's not as cute as the guys I've dated in the past, but I love him and care for him nonetheless. He is incredible to me, and I find him gorgeous no matter what. Now suddenly, he says I remind him of his ex-fiance (physically, but more mentally) and it scares him because of how deeply he loved her. Also, he thinks he needs time to clear out his head because he feels "dead inside" and he switches back and forth from loving me to being almost physically unable to feel anything. He says this has to do with his own messed up head and nothing to do with me.
I have no clue what to do. I've given him his space for a couple days now, but it's starting to drive me crazy. He has made no attempt to contact me since Sunday, and my attempts have not worked out.
So DUers, I need your help. I know it would probably be wise enough to end things, but I've fallen harder for this guy than I have for any other in a long time. I should probably be patient and wait things out, but I don't want to waste my time in case he decides we should split up. I feel like I'm starting to lose it from all this stress.
Can anyone help me?

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. Oy! Have you given older men a shot yet? 30 or so

[truthbetold]

4. Well...

Oldest I dated was a 22 year old when I was 18. That's the one I almost married. This new guy will be 18 in July, so I tried younger. It appears that's not working either.

[GreenPartyVoter]

9. Nonononnonono. This is why you are going through what you are going thru

Not saying all young guys haven't got a clue about their lives. lI managed to land one. But I think older guys will more likely have their heads sorted out.

[taught_me_patience]

27. HORRIBLE advice

30 year old men are in a completely different place in their life than you. They only want one thing... SEX! The guy you're dating is simply too young for a relationship... he's not the first and won't be the last.

[GreenPartyVoter]

45. Well if young guys are no good and old guys are no good, what's

she supposed to do?

[taught_me_patience]

52. just chill

and have fun and date around with guys your age. There's no need to find "the one" at your age and get serious. I hate to sound cliche, but focus on yourself at that age... go to college, exercise, and find a good job. Then, when you have fulfilled your own growth, look for another person. Heck, I'm 27 and am still having fun.

[MissMillie]

36. Not always

a lot of the 30+ year old guys I was with couldn't seem to get "ready" for commitment

[Left Is Write]

40. Having once been a 19-year-old girl involved with a 30-year-old man,

I'm not so sure that's a good idea. I wouldn't encourage my daughter to have that kind of age difference at her age. In the long run I don't think age differences matter, but I wouldn't encourage a very young person to go for someone much older. I consider 19 to be very young in this context.

[nini]

2. do you want the truth or a sugar coated 'it'll be ok' answer?

?

[maveric]

3. If he says he's "Too good" for you, then he's an asshole!

Anyone who says that to their SO/boy or girlfriend is an arrogant asshole IMHO!
You are too good for him!

[truthbetold]

7. Whoops sorry.

I meant that to say, he thinks I'm too good for him. Sorry my brain's a little fried.

[maveric]

11. Oh! Then he has self-esteem issues that you may not want to deal with.

Thanks for clarifying that.

[Bunny]

26. Speaking from experience: if he tells you that you are too good

for him, believe him. He's telling the truth.

[gmoney]

39. Yes by all means...

...any sign of insecurity or damaged self-image, kick him to the curb. It's the DU way...

:sarcasm:

That aside, if you care for him like you say you do, give him the time and space he asks for. Consider setting a time that you'll contact one another -- two weeks, a month maybe. Try not to make it an ultimatum, but more like an appointment. At two weeks, call him, and let him talk. Having that appointment may help him get off the dime and sort through his feelings. If he's not at all ready at that point, maybe then it's time to move on.

Tell him that in the meantime, you're there to lend an ear if he wants to call you, but that you are NOT his ex, and history doesn't have to repeat. Tell him he that all he has to do to BE good enough for you is to BELIEVE he's good enough for you.

Waiting for him to get his head together should not seem like you're "wasting your time" -- what's your damn hurry? If you are sincerely worried about spending a few Saturday nights without a date, you're certainly not ready to even discuss "marriage" or "kids."

If it's more important to you to have a social life than a relationship, do him a favor and cut him loose, and just go date around, but don't kid yourself that you're looking for a relationship. Dating around is great, and apparently getting dates is no problem for you, so enjoy that, learn what you can, have some adventures, and make some mistakes.

It's not some sort of contest to see how fast you can find a husband and pop out a batch of kids. There's time for that... loads of time. Once you're there, you may miss the freedom you have now.

[truthbetold]

41. Wow.

Actually, that is really good advice.
Thank you, truly.

[Bunny]

54. Thanks for the sarcasm. I said I was speaking from experience.

That means it actually happened to me. But you obviously know better than I do. I guess I'll just have to learn that when someone asks for opinions, better keep mine to myself. :eyes:

[enigmatic]

5. From a man:

You're 19; you have an entire life ahead of you. The last thing you (or anyone else, male or female) should be thinkng about is marriage or relationships; travel the world, study, find your passion. Find out who you are in your soul. And learn also that who you are isn't defined by being in a relationship.

Good luck.

[GirlinContempt]

6. learn how to date.

thats helpful. trust me.

[Bluzmann57]

8. You're only 19

You're still just a kid (no offense) so you need to live your life. I have a 20 year old daughter and she has had "heartbreak" too. Lighten up, be yourself and when you find the right guy, you'll know it. Just relax though. No guy likes to think he's being pushed into marriage, especially young ones. You'll probably be all right.

[truthbetold]

10. Trust me...

I don't want marriage. I just want a successful relationship that lasts longer than 3 months. Nothing that incredible. But I seem to find really messed up people in my search.

[Xithras]

22. Can I ask you WHY that's important to you?

What is your definition of a "successful" relationship? What, in your opinion, is the purpose of dating someone? What do you hope to get out of it?

A successful relationship can be a week long, or last a lifetime. It all depends on what you're looking for. In your case, I'm wondering what kind of satisfaction you hope to gain in a longer relationship that you can't find in a short one.

[truthbetold]

23. Well...

I think it has a lot to do with self-esteem. I've been used and broken up with so many times that it's really taken a toll on how I view myself. I suppose if I could hold a steady relationship with someone who doesn't freak out and who truly appreciates me as a person, then I'd probably feel better about myself, and less likely to feel doomed to a life of spinsterhood.
Plus, everyone wants to feel loved and happy, right? Well, I have shitty home life, so I don't get much love there. A lot of friends have abandoned me, gone off to college. So really, I have a pretty lonely and loveless life, as pathetic as that might sound.

[Xithras]

33. Without realizing it, I think you just explained your whole issue.

Read between the lines of your last post. You're basing your self-image on the quality of your relationships. You're clinging, even if you don't realize it, because you're desperate to not be alone. You're looking at your relationships as an escape. Guys aren't dumb, and they can usually figure this out pretty quickly.

Now here's the thing, most guys don't WANT to be the source of your self esteem, your emotional life preserver, or your escape route. It's a turnoff, and will chase most of us away (which is apparently what is happening). Guys want a relationship to be fun, not serious. They want to be appreciated for themselves, not for what their presence provides you emotionally.

Someone else here recommended that you learn what dating is, and I'd have to second that. Dating should be the process of meeting people and getting to know them, not a method to lock someone into a relationship. In fact, "relationship" shouldn't even factor into it at this point. DATE guys. Go out. Go to parties. Go to clubs. Don't be exclusive. Meet lots of people. Date lots of people. If it's your thing, have sex with lots of people. Odds are, one day you'll go out on a third or fourth date with some guy, and things will "click". A discussion about exclusivity will happen, and you'll get your 3 month relationship. But if that's your GOAL, it's never going to happen. Your goals should simply be to have fun and to meet as many guys as possible.

Oh, and the word SPINSTER shouldn't even be in your vocabulary until you're AT LEAST 30. The 20's are the best dating years of your life, and you haven't even started them yet.

[enigmatic]

34. Best post in the thread.

Great advice..

[truthbetold]

35. Yeah, it's probably a good chunk of my problem.

My insecurities probably attract the kinds of people with the same insecurities because they can see the same in me. And of course, you get the same people together and it creates nothing but chaos.
I've realized before, most of what you said. And I've been trying greatly to get over those hurdles, but until I can find someone that can be stable like I need to be, I don't know what else I can do.
But your suggestions I will definitely take to heart. I guess it's time for me to hit the local party scene, huh? Sounds like fun for now. You're right- if he truly wants to be with me, he will chase me. If not, lost cause. I don't need those kind of people in my life.

[Xithras]

38. It's actually worse than that

My insecurities probably attract the kinds of people with the same insecurities because they can see the same in me

Actually, your insecurities are probably attracting predators as well. As I said before: Guys aren't stupid. There are a ton of guys out there who are very adept at picking up on a womans insecurities and playing them for sex, obedience, or money. The abusive and dominating types especially like to hunt for insecure women, because they're often the easiest to cow to their wills.

What you really need to take to heart is this: You don't need another person to be a complete human being. You need to figure YOURSELF out and become your own person before you try to get into anything even remotely serious with a guy. You, on your own, without anybodies help, are perfectly capable of living a happy and fulfilling life. I know it's a bit of a mental leap from where you're at right now, but it's the truth and unless that leap is made, it's going to be very hard for you to ever have a truly happy relationship. After all, if you don't believe in yourself, how can others believe in you?

Eeek, I just realized that I'm sounding like a new-age motivational speaker. I'll stop now, but I really do wish you the best of luck.

[RevCheesehead]

49. In my humble opinion,

the word "spinster" should be abolished entirely, along with "old maid" and other perjorative terms for unmarried women. It's not the end of the world if you never find someone.

I'm 43, not married, and happy. I met a 93 year old woman in my church who never married, and we had a long and happy talk, about how the most important thing is to enjoy life - whatever life you happen to have at the time. For her, marriage never happened; but she never let that dictate her happiness. I learned a lot from her that day.

[Lorien]

53. Good advice

Hell, I'm unmarried at 40 and I don't consider myself a "spinster"; rather, I consider myself lucky for ditching my fiance that I met at 19 when I was escaping a bad home situation. He was abusive, and even though I "just wanted to be loved" at the time, I discovered soon enough that the WRONG relationship is a hell of a lot worse than NO relationship.

Having dated 10 guys by age 19, I would hardly call you "unlucky" with men; you are obviously very attractive to them(how many on this board never had a real DATE by that age)? Relax. You're still growing into the woman you were meant to be, as they are still growing into themselves-and two unfinished products shouldn't look at cementing a relationship so early in life. Listen to Xithras and concentrate on just living and having a bit of fun for now. 30 is the new 21, after all. ;-)

[Old_Fart]

56. One week is a successful relationship?

I wouldn't call a roll in the hay and your feelings hurt a success.

[MrScorpio]

12. You're dealing with boys

And boys are pretty clueless

Date someone a little older... But not much

[KG]

13. those aren't men.

you'll know when you meet a man.

[MichiganVote]

14. Dump him. He's not worth the aggravation.

[prole_for_peace]

15. i think the old "i'm not good enough for you" is the same as

the "its not you, its me" line. both are bs and just a way for them to get out of the relationship without saying the real reason, whatever it is.

[truthbetold]

16. I actually think it's the truth.

Several times, when we were lying together, he'd say something along the lines of "How did a fat ugly guy land a beautiful girl like you?"
Now, he might be overweight but not majorly, and I think he's so handsome. He was physically abused by his father when he was younger, and cheated on by several of his SOs. So I think that's the reason for his freakouts, but I'm not certain.

[prole_for_peace]

25. i had a guy that used to say those things to me too.

then one day he disappeared to go live with his pregnant other girlfriend. he told me he left me because i would leave him eventually because i "was too good for him". i think all that talk was just the set up for what he knew he was going to do.

[tjdee]

17. He's just not that into you--LISTEN to what he is saying to you!

I hate to jump on the pop culture bandwagon, but if I had learned that lesson when I was your age it would have save me a lot of heartache.

He's telling you he's dead inside, sometimes he's saying he is unable to physically feel anything? He's right. It's about him and not about you. Hanging on to this is just a waste of your time. He is basically telling you what he's about, and you don't want to hear it.

How to find a guy who doesn't freak out? I don't know. Try dating older seems to be a good suggestion. 18 year old guys don't want to be serious. They want to have food, sex, and silence (as Chris Rock says!)

[Xithras]

18. A few insights...

1) As a guy, I've found that many women try to move WAY too fast. Most guys don't start to get serious about a relationship before six months or so...before that it's all about having fun and great sex. The fact that you've talked to ex'es about marriage before the three month mark sets off some red flags and makes me wonder if you're trying to push things along WAY too fast. Relationships that last take TIME to build up (I dated my last girlfriend for nearly a year before the topic of marriage even came up...we've now been happily married for a decade).

2) Stop stressing. Either the relationship will work or it won't, and the WORST thing you can do is to try to force or fix a relationship that isn't working. Enjoy the relationship for its own sake, and let it set its own course. If you're spending all of your time and mental energy focusing on where the relationship might go, you'll miss enjoying where the relationship is today and undermine it before it has a chance to go anywhere. Younger guys are typically looking to enjoy the "today", and relationship planning for the future can be an incredible turnoff. They want to have fun...if it developes into something more, great! If not, oh well.

3) Don't confuse a guys "love" for commitment. I've fallen hard for girlfriends in the past, but broke up with them anyway because I realized that the relationships weren't going to work. Besides, it sounds to me like he's still got it hard for his ex. If he's willing to cut you off because of his feelings for her, then there isn't much of a future for you two anyway. If he feels that strongly, what's going to happen if she wants him back in a year or two?

4) You shouldn't be chasing him. If he wants you, let HIM chase YOU. Make him prove that you're really what he desires. You were wondering if you should wait around, and my response is a resounding NO. Move on, have fun, enjoy your life. If he wants to make it happen, he WILL chase you down and try to work his way back into your life. If he doesn't, then he wasn't that interested anyway.

[khashka]

19. Dump him

Seriously. These are all "let her down easy" lines, but he keeps staying.....

He doesn't know what he wants. Dump him before he really does drive you crazy. Truly think about dating older men, someone who does know what he wants and can be honest about it with you rather than playing headgames.

That's probably not the answer you want....

Khash.

[trof]

20. Yep. Use paragraphs.

Huge blocks of type without paragraph breaks are a real tunroff.

[truthbetold]

21. LOL, hey go easy on me.

You try typing after a night of self-pitying and drinking.
:P

[sniffa]

24. Let go

seriousLy. it's hard to hear and accept at that age, but that's the onLy answer. i remember going through these - i'd ask and ask and ask what to do... every woman i asked toLd me to Let go. i didn't wanna hear that, so i continued asking untiL i asked a guy toLd me i wanted to hear - a very sweet gesture invoLving fLowers and a note saying they were in my thoughts.....

bad move, as i was caLLed a crazy staLker, etc..

aLso, when you Let go, they end up coming back hard (sometimes).

[truthbetold]

28. They come back, huh?

Easy for you to say, sniffa. From the pics I've seen, you're a real cutie. :) Thanks for your suggestion, though. I like a male perspective on things.

[sniffa]

30. *bLush*

it's true though. it took me years to come to accept that, but once i did, i was much happier. (to just Let go)

the reason they come back is usuaLLy another form of immaturity - so that's not exactLy a good thing... but it does satisfy immmediate needs. :)

[MrSlayer]

29. 3 months in you should not be talking marriage.

Especially at your young age. You want to know why it always ends up bad? Because the guys you are dating are young too, no one wants to be tied down that early except in the rarest of cases. Most guys aren't mature enough for that kind of thing that young, trust me. It's way too early in life for all this marriage and children talk. You should be thinking about when the next party is or if you think you are ready for the whole long-term relationship thing you should look for someone a little older who's got more life's experience and has a firm grasp on a career. At the first mention of pining for an ex-girlfriend or whatever, leave. If the dude isn't able to get over that now that he's with you he'll never appreciate you properly. My suggestion is to just go have fun, you have your whole life ahead of you and you don't want to fuck it up early by getting with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

[truthbetold]

31. With that guy...

He brought up marriage first. And since it was my first (what I considered) "serious" relationship, I let the fact that I was still so young slide. In retrospect, I knew inside that it wouldn't work out but I was happy with my delusions.
I know he's having trouble with his ex, but there are always certain people in your life that you love and will never truly get over. At least, that's the way I feel about a certain person.
It just took a level of maturity to realize that he is not coming back, and I must move on with my life. I don't know if my current boyfriend is mature enough to make that connection.

[neuvocat]

32. Maybe its what you want out of the relationship.

Listen, men and women both say a lot of things to get something out of a relationship that maybe they shouldn't (like saying they're committed to you but just want sex or whatever). Maybe what you want out of the relationship is different from what they want and you might have to consider the type of guy that you're attracted to. You might have to make some adjustments if you want something more stable.

[cally]

37. I think you need some time to be single

If you've had 10 relationships and you're only 19 then you haven't had time to be single and not looking for a relationship. I don't see how anyone can find a compatible mate without spending significant time alone and pursuing other passions. Take a break from relationships and learn to enjoy your friends and other interests. I would guess your next relationship will be better if you do.

[Ariana Celeste]

42. Hey there

I'm just a year older than you, but trust me, I've been there and done that.

Like you, I had a shitty home life, and felt the need to seek love elsewhere. I had some personal issues (which I still have), being, depression, agoraphobia, social anxiety, and I was far too dependent. So naturally, I ended up going steady with a bunch of guys who were either as fucked up as me or worse.

I got the whole, "You're too good for me," thing. I got the, "If I didn't have you I'd probably kill myself," thing. I got the possessive overly controlling types who didn't allow me to go out. I got the types who would cry and loathe themselves if I went out with a friend instead of staying at home to talk to them. Hell, lol, With my last ex, I moved into his family's house and had to deal with a whole houseful of crazies!

So, I decided that despite my fear of people, despite my fear of being alone, that I was going to stop all that crap. I left my ex with a "Time to think about MYSELF" attitude. I moved in with a friend of mine on line and we hooked up immediately, and have been happy since. From the get-go I put my foot down. "If we are having problems TELL me, and I will go back home and start again."

He appreciated my up front honesty. It takes alot to force yourself to look past your insecurities and think about your own needs.

Like others have said, you have a whole life ahead of you. Don't hook up with a dude because you need an emotional anchor. Don't hook up with a dude to live around him or add to his life. Hook up with a man to add to *your* life. If it isn't working, move on. It's the best thing for you to do.

And one more thing. I'm not saying it may be the case for you necessarily, but as far as all my past relationships have gone, whenever I started to question the relationship- that meant it was *over* already. If you have doubts and don't have too much invested in the man (for example, a kid) it is far easier and healthier in the long run to just get up and move on. Good luck, if you ever need someone to talk to, PM me anytime.

[El Fuego]

43. When they're ready, they're ready, no matter who the girl is.

I think a guy has his own inner time clock, and if he's not ready to "commit," he could be with the most wonderful girl in the world and it would not matter.

When his biological clock clicks in and says it's time to settle down, he'll suddenly be wife-shopping. Then he'll take up with any girl half-way suitable.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

46. That's what I've observed, too

I always marveled at the fact that most graduate school men were resolutely single, not very interested in committing to a relationship, sometimes seemingly too shy to deal with women.

However, when I actually started teaching in colleges, I discovered that almost all the straight male faculty were married. I actually knew a couple of seemingly unsociable grad school men who got married rather quickly during the first year of their first tenure-track job. It was as if they had decided, "Okay, I have a bit of financial security now, so who's around here to marry? Okay, she'll do."

Since men typically do the asking, they set the schedule. A woman may be looking for a committed relationship, but if the man is not at that place psychologically, it doesn't matter how well they get along. He will find excuses to leave--even to the point of acting like an asshole in the hopes that she'll dump him.

[Kat45]

47. That's exactly what I believe, El Fuego.

I base my belief on observations of my male friends (and other men). It seems like that's exactly what they do. Wow--this is the first time I've heard someone else voice this; glad to hear it.

[iconoclastic cat]

44. Slow down! Relax. Guys that age are immature emotionally.

They can't handle such intensity.

Heal your wounds. Pick up a guitar and a 4-track and write some songs. Use the pain. Just remember, this is a journey. Don't be so desperate for the end. Enjoy the now.

[truthbetold]

48. It's over.

He just called me up to tell me he's "too fucked up emotionally to date anyone."
Great. Everything would be okay if I could just stop crying...
One of my girlfriends is coming over though, I should be okay.
Even so, thanks for your advice everyone.

[NuttyFluffers]

55. i'd be flattered by him saying that, but then i have a sadist streak.

you brought out so much emotion in him that you "broke" him. how kinky.

but, that's not the answer you wanna hear, i'm sure. go ahead, have a good cry. your friend will help, have her bring wine coolers or another sweet alcoholic drink (they work like *magic*). i strongly suggest not smoking yourself into stupor, nothing is worse than "OD'ing" on tobacco, ugh, i still turn green at the memories.

but, yeah, a good cry, thrown pillows, the works, and then wade back in the stream of love.

[Lars39]

50. Now's the time to 'grow your own garden'.

Expand yourself, pursue your interests, invest in yourself.
The guys will still be there in a few years.

[gardenista]

51. Sounds like you need to let go.

And if you're having a really difficult time letting go because past failed relationships are haunting you, then it is a sign that the relationship itself is not what you need. You are 19. Sorry that everyone else is reminding you of this, too, but you need to get out and live your own life without being involved with a man all the time.

If you are only 19, have had 10 relationships, and they all lasted less than 3 months, it probably indicates that you don't know how to be alone. Being alone and happy is an amazing gift, and the younger you learn how to do that, the better. When you are able to do this, QUALITY men will be attracted to you, ones who have their own lives together.

Right now you are a walking loser magnet. Let him go. Drop him. Do not sucker under and go back to him when he inevitably wants to get back together. He is not a genuine person, particularly if he is projecting a bunch of shit from a previous relationship on you.

Learn to be happy with you. And the promise of that is that you will attract quality people to you for the rest of your life.

[Omphaloskepsis]

57. Love is not this hard.

You don't have to make it work. If it is good it clicks. This is the one thing you don't force.