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Below is an actual letter written by a 96-year old woman. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check written to pay my
plumber last month. By my calculations, approximately three nanoseconds
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
income, an arrangement which I admit has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and
also for debiting my account $30 as a penalty for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the fact this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. As you know, I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
To prove we are never too old to learn, from now on I choose only to
deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic. They will arrive at your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to such bank
employee you choose to nominate. Be aware it is an offense under the Postal
Act for any other person to open such an envelope:
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. Forgive the lengthy eight pages, but as I
feel I have a right to know as much about him/her as your bank knows about
me, there is really no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
a PIN number which he/she must use as verification in dealings with me. I
regret it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but again I have modeled it
after the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons
as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password will be required (to
be supplied once you have designated the Authorized Contact).
8. To return to the main menu to repeat Options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for entertainment.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover implementation of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
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