Was I out of line in this situation (parents)

[vi5]

I have a 3 year old daughter and my wife and I always try not to be "those parents" who are always on top of their kids every move and who go off on people who in any way inconvenience or discomfort their child or get mad when she's not made the star or the center of attention. In fact if anything maybe we go too far in the other direction and just try to accept the fact that she has to learn that sometimes people are inconsiderate or mean and just make sure that we explain things to her in a way she understands but doesn't let get her down.

But my daughter has been in pre-school for a year now and for the most part doing fine. She's come home and told us some things that happen with other kids being mean, or things like that which the teachers hadn't mentioned and we mostly just talk to her about it and handle it on our own and explain things to her best we can rather than running to the teachers every time she sniffles over something or gets upset since we don't expect them to do anything other than just teach her the basics and then keep us updated on any progress or issues so that we can handle anything else at home and talk to her about whatever it is she needs more care and concern about.

Well today they had an end of the year commencement presentation where they called up groups of 3 or 4 kids at a time by name to do a little thing. Nothing complicated just pretend things or songs or whatever. Well by the end, the only name they didn't call to come up in any of the groups was my daughter. And when she came up to us afterwards she was upset and was asking us why the teachers didn't call her name.

So at the gathering afterwards I asked her teacher "Just out of curiosity, why didn't you have (my daughter) participate in any of the individual activities?" She responded that she was going to talk to me about that and that it was because during the practices and rehearsals during the school day she didn't seem to want to do them so they didn't want to push her. I said that was fine we wouldn't have pushed her either, but that if she was having trouble or not wanting to do something all the other kids were doing then why didn't they just let us know so that we could either find out why it was or explain to her beforehand that if she didn't do the practices that she couldn't do it at the presentation so she was at least prepared. Her only response was that they (her and the other teacher) didn't think it was that big a deal and that my daughter didn't seem to care. I told her that she obviously did because she was upset and asked us why the teachers didn't call her.

I didn't get angry or loud or anything, simply just let them know why we were dissapointed, especially since this wasn't the only thing this year that we had to find out about after the fact and from second hand sources or after our daughter was upset. But I think other parents there could overhear what we were talking about so I feel bad about that and also that I ventured into being one of those types of parents. I just hope I was clear to them that I wasn't upset because my daughter didn't get to do a performance or even that she was upset about it. Just that we had no idea there was any kind of issue because they didn't tell us, so we had no way of explaining it to her when she did get upset. And now on top of her asking us why sometimes kids are mean and don't want to play with her, now we have to explain why the teachers didn't call on her and called on all the other kids.

Parenting is really a bear sometimes.

[purr]

1. You handled it better than I would've...

I say you were right in line. They should've called you and let you know in the firt place. It makes me wonder if the kids were being mean to her at rehearsals and she didnt want to participate then.

[vi5]

2. Thanks...

She actually enjoys school and she does have friends. When the kids are mean to her we're pretty sure it's more just 3 year olds saying things off the cuff and my daughter being a little more sensitive. But nonetheless they should have talked to us about it. I don't expect them to have to explain or soothe everything with her. But I would at least like them to tell us so that WE can do it.

[PassingFair]

3. You certainly weren't out of line in asking why....

But I do think you are taking things a bit too seriously. She's 3, right? She will forget this LONG before you do.

[vi5]

5. Oh, I'm not at all worried about her long term affects...

I'm really not. My daughter is already over it and my wife and I are the ones still stewing. And like I said, it's more just the build up of a years worth of incidents of them kind of not giving her or us as much attention as they do other parents simply by virtue of my daughter being more easy going and quiet and us not wanting to be too overbearing to the teachers.

I guess I'm just more upset at the realization that in parenting like everything else, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I had hoped we could get past that ourselves and not get caught up in it but while I'm not upset about it in the short term if there's a longer term thing we need to work on with her, we'd like to think that her teachers are working in tandem with us rather than just ignoring it and hoping we don't complain.

[cornermouse]

6. The squeaky wheel does get the oil.

Maybe you need to keep closer contact with her teachers so that you can tailor your afterschool conversations a little more closely to her personality?

[vi5]

7. I thought we had been doing that....

Which is what makes it more frustrating. It's not like we don't talk to them or ask them how she's doing or if there's anything we need to work on with her.

[cornermouse]

12. Being a parent is tough.

No matter how well you think you know them, they always find a way to spring something new on you. Overall, pretty good rewards though.

[PassingFair]

8. Don't forget the natural corollary:

The non-squeaking wheel DOESN'T NEED THE GREASE!
Why gunk your kid up in grease she doesn't need.
Seems from what you say, that your child doesn't
need positive feedback and attention from others.
Rejoice!

[vi5]

11. You're right. That was the way I wanted to go about things....

All my kid needs usually is an explanation about things, not some big loud production where the whole world needs to be involved in her lessons about things. If kids are mean to her we explain it to her and she is more or less fine. If she has trouble with something we explain things to her how she needs to work harder and ask for help. What was frustrating about this was that she was upset and we couldn't explain to her why. When we got home it was easy enough to explain to her that if she doesn't practice with the other kids then she couldn't perform in the show, and about teamwork and things of that nature. But we would have liked to have had that conversation beforehand and I just get the sneaking suspicion that the reason they don't tell us these things is that maybe we don't press them enough or make a big deal about it. I don't want that to be the case, but...

[Midlodemocrat]

10. Trust me on this.

As a former teacher and a current parent, there is no doubt that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I had a very unfortunate experience this year with the assistant principal at my daughter's school. He took a dislike to me before he even introduced myself and to get him to stop trashing me, I had to hire and attorney and threaten to sue him.

The only thing I can come up with as to why he took such an incredible dislike to me is that I am a pretty strong female, and I will always stick up for the underdog in a situation, especially if the underdog is a child. I took some aides to task over the last couple of years for mistreating their charges, so maybe he felt that I was interfering.

In my book, if as an adult, you are continually making a child in a wheelchair cry, or a child with Down Syndrome cry, there is something wrong with you and you are in the wrong profession.

Anyway, long story short, he is under a directive to never mention my name at school, nor is he allowed to have any say, contact, etc. about or with my daughter.

Too bad it came to this, but the guy is an ass.

[Geek_Girl]

4. It's important to question teachers and caregivers

I thinks it very appropriate for you to expect that teachers inform you what is happening with your children and it's extremely important that you question them when they don't. Parents aren't perfect and neither are teachers but I think its important as a parent to question teachers and caregivers about the progress and well being of your child even if it makes you seem like one of "those" parents.

[oregonjen]

9. If she's in preschool next year, I would ask to observe from time to time

Whether it's in the classroom or from a window, I would definately check in. If they are not telling you happenings at the school with other children, it is in your daughter's best interest to do some checking yourself. No preschool that is legit, is going to discourage a parent from wanting to come and check in. JMHO :hi:

[skygazer]

13. I think you handled the situation just fine

And I think the teachers should have mentioned prior to the function that she had shown little interst since she was the only one who was not going to be called. Had there been others who had chosen not to participate, it would not have been so glaring an omission - an explanation for you would have prepared you for that omission and given you a satisfactory answer for your daughter. Anyone who deals with kids that age should be sensitive to how that was going to play out at the actual event (rather than the practice sessions) and given you a heads up.

Not a huge issue and it sounds like you handled it well - more of a courtesy issue, IMO.

[vi5]

14. I guess....I just hope I was calm and not causing a scene...

I tend to get animated even when I'm not angry so I just hope I was not out of line. My wife only saw me talking to the teacher from across the room and she said other than my usual talking with my hands thing I didn't seem loud or angry. I obviously would have preferred to talk to them more privately and one on one without people listening in but unfortunately I wanted to know before we left with my daughter, how we should explain the situation to her.

But actually the other teacher and the other owner of the school followed us out and was apologizing profusely and said she understood why we were upset.

The other thing was that there were kids who when they called them up didn't want to come and they simply said "does anyone want to come up and do this for so and so?". So why did they not think to do that with her.

[BikeWriter]

15. Never think you're being over-sensitive about your child's environment...

I was a very sensitive child. A couple of traumatic events turned me off of school for years. My parents never had a clue why I went from all As to flunking.

[vi5]

16. It's funny you mention that...

My parents were the total opposite. They were involved in and attempted to be aware of every minute detail of my life, even ones that they needn't have worried about. They weren't restrictive, they just always wanted to be involved and good parents. As such it sometimes made things harder for me in that I never learned to deal with outside environment situations as well as I should have. When I was having troubles at school no matter how small they were there and in the teachers faces and also to the notice of other students. They meant well and by and large they raised me wonderfully. But I always vowed I would try and know when to pull back and let my kid's work out their own situations.

[BikeWriter]

19. I'm different from you. Maybe your kid is, too.

[vi5]

20. It's very true...

Such is the struggle of parenthood. Trying to feel out the ways that you kid needs what you needed but still being smart and aware enough to realize when they need their own thing or something completely different.

I'm just glad I'm realizing some of this stuff when she's 3 rather than when she's older and already affected by it without me noticing it.

[salin]

17. Life is a perpetual learning opportunity, You just provided one

for the faculty, and I hope that they take it.

You would be one of THOSE parents if you had a) ranted and raved that your child wasn't first to perform; or b) had ranted and raved that X child stole Your child's act .... and thus your child was egregiously harmed.... (examples modified from the type of behavior of THOSE parents witnessed at kids sporting events.)

You raised a question, and an issue, and pointed out to them that sometimes the children express their hurt after the fact, and to parents - and that they really ought to communicate with you, so that you could step in - or join them in the decision and in cushioning any sadness if she changed her mind (and wanted to participate) - or in your joining them to create a compromise situation for her - call her last and let her stand without performing... or some other situation.

Hopefully these are the types of folks who learn from each different situation that they encounter.

[Maddy McCall]

18. When my son was in the public school system, I encountered...

exactly the same situtations numerous times. His teachers seemed to be lazy--they didn't want to have to deal with me BEFORE the fact. So, like you, I found out AFTER the fact.

The final straw was when my son was tested without my permission. I pulled him out of school the next day. He's now homeschooled, and he's acting like himself again.

Never let it get to the point where your child's personality changes. I did, and I regret that.

(Sadly, teachers start labeling kids at kindergarten level, and those records, passed on to teacher year after year, cause the kid to be stereotyped. My son never had a chance.

:hug: Remember, the only person who will look out for your child is YOU.

[NMMNG]

21. I think you handled it just fine

Apparently though, you may need to check up on things more frequently at preschool and school in the future to make sure no "surprises" pop up like this one. Unfortunately what some people see as problems other dismiss as unimportant for one reason or another (not necessarily due to lack of concern). Perceptions can vary from observer to observer.

As a parent, you are in the best position to discern when your child is unhappy, unfulfilled, or otherwise not being best served in a situation. You are also her best advocate, so don't hesitate to speak up any time you feel the need.

[retread]

22. Isn't all this a bit much for a 3 year old child?

*

[vi5]

23. Isn't what a bit much?

The show was just a silly participatory thing. It wasn't anything elaborate.

Was it silly for us to be upset? I don't think so, although I'm open to the possibility. But if my daughter is upset about something, and in this case she clearly was when the teachers called up all the kids but her, then no I don't think it's too much to want an explanation as to why that happened and why they maybe didn't let us know before hand that she was having issues in this regard. If she had not wanted to be a part of it in the first place, neither my wife or I would have cared either way. In fact we probably would have not gone with her or made her go. But given the disconnect between how she was talking to us all week about being excited about it and what she was going to do, versus what happened and what they say she was doing during the week, there was clearly a lack of communication on their part which I think we're justified to be upset about, particularly since it's been an ongoing problem throughout the year that we've for the most part let pass.

[retread]

24. I didn't mean to imply you shouldn't be upset and want an explanation.

I was just wondering if 3 years was too immature and too early for this level of social involvement?

[magnolia]

25. I have a different take...

Maybe because I'm older. I think parents today are way to involved in the small details of their children's live. You need to give your kids some credit. You can answer questions, guide them, build their self-worth, but let them learn about life on their own. They are very capable. As a parent, you want to protect your child from any hardship. But without hardship, there's no learning. You want your kids to exercise and eat their vegatables so they can have strong bodies. If you want them to have inner strength, you need to allow them to deal with the everyday challenges in life.

My daughter is 29. She's sweet and caring, yet strong...I could brag on her all day. She's a wonderful person not because of my parenting, but in a lot of cases, inspite of it. Kids don't learn from what you or their teachers tell them, they learn from your example. They learn as much from your mistakes and bad teachers, as they do from good parenting and teaching.

My daughter was an only child. She grew up in a household where we spoke to each other kindly and with respect. She went to school with kids who had siblings. Where there are siblings there is fighting, name-calling and nastiness. (I know because I had five siblings.) So it hurt her feelings when someone said "shut up" or "you're stupid". If I had known about this I would have probably freaked out, but fortunately I didn't. When she got old enough to go to her friends homes she saw for herself: this is how brothers and sisters talk to each other.

You did the right things...you asked the teacher, then explained to your daughter. Now...stop seething. Teachers are human beings. The sooner your daughter realizes this the better off she is. When my daughter and nephews and nieces were older and complained about a teacher. After listening to their accurate opinion I'd say "Your teacher is an asshole. The world is full of them!" Kids need to know that all teachers aren't saints come down from heaven. As soon as your child goes out into the world, whether it's pre-school or their first job, they'll have to deal with difficult people. All you can do is be honest, be simple and trust them.

On the whole, most teachers are very good people. I give them a lot of credit for having the stamina to spend their days with a roomful of small children. But they aren't perfect and aren't going to do the perfect thing for each child all the time. That's expecting too much.

[radwriter0555]

26. Really well put together and said... Couldn't say it better myself.

And in addition, I know the child is small, but the lesson in this may be for her that if she wants to participate, she has to
participate. She made a choice here, and, I know, I know, she's tiny, but she's smart, and this was the consequence. She can learn from this, and you can oh so gently use it as a good lesson about actions and consequences.