Okay, I'm unreasonably but extremely angry at my spouse

[jobycom]

And I have to tell someone.

First, I've posted before that we've had a lot of problems. About five years ago I decided that I wouldn't get close to her again, because it always ended in some form of pain. I thought if I kept my emotional distance, I wouldn't get hurt or angry any more. Lately we've been planning to split up, but haven't set firm plans yet.

So all this year, she takes my kids to school. I was doing it, but she wanted to, so I reluctantly let her--she has extreme problems being on time. So all year I ask her if she's getting my youngest to school on time. Sometimes she was late, but mostly, she says she's on time. Now and then we get notices from the school warning of tardies, but I hand them to her, and she promises to call about them. The schools around her just want you to call so they can feel involved, I guess. As long as you call, they don't file complaints. She tells me she's calling.

So a month ago we get citations from the city because our youngest is tardy too many times. "How many times was she tardy?" I ask, since she's been telling me all year she was mostly on time. She just says "not that many times."

Tonight we had to go to court over it. They present the documents. She's tardy 29 times!!!! This isn't even through the whole year, they filed the complaint in early April, so it doesn't include April or May. 29 times!! I even turned down the chance to settle in favor of a trial, based on my spouse assuring me it was maybe a dozen times. I was all ready to yell at a judge over their stupid policies. Then I see the actual charge, and I know I don't have an argument. All those warnings she was supposed to call about, she's never called about.

I've been stewing all night about it, and it's about to drive me crazy. This is a misdemeanor that will now be on my permanent police record. I never got a demerit in school, I've never been written up at work, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in almost 20 years. Now I have a police record, or will after the trial.

I know it's irrational, but I feel so angry and betrayed right now I'm afraid to speak to her.

Anyway, rant over, carry on. Sorry to bother y'all.

[enigmatic]

1. It's not irrational

I'd be severely pissed, too. Sorry about this.

[alittlelark]

2. She NEEDS to be honest with you.

THAT must be a priority in any marriage. When you cool off enough to talk to her explain it in that way - so she won't be able to throw 'drive time minutia' at you. Tell her that you are more upset w/ her lack of truthfulness than the tardys. If she is just plainly and simply an irresponsible person... well- you're cheynied.

[jobycom]

6. She hasn't done that in 19 years.

Unfortunately, by the time I figured it out, we had a kid, and I was afraid to leave her alone with the kid, so I hung around. It hasn't been much of a marriage in over a decade.

It's not irresponsiblity, really. She's a bank VP and seems to have no trouble at work, although she lies all the time to them, too. She's just so extremely self-centered. People never see it in her, then sometimes someone does, and they can't believe she's really as bad as she is. My own parents blamed me for our problems for most of the marriage, then a couple of years ago she got in an argument with my mother and lost her cool, and since then, they've finally started seeing it.

I don't know why I trusted her over this. It just didn't seem like something she would lie about. But that's how she's gotten me just about every time.

[alittlelark]

30. Dude, cut your losses, she is a habitual liar....

.... Why would you want to be with one of those?

[K8-EEE]

7. The tardies are one thing....

but come on, why wasn't she at least calling, fixing them up? Also it can't be any fun for the daughter to be late and rushing every morning. It's a rotten way to start the day. Part of being a good parent is to try to have them at least walk in to the beginning of the day with some kind of sense of well-being. We all have those crazy mornings and manic Mondays but 29 times?? There's only 20 school days in a month so if it's a 3 month period she is late half the time. That just can't be good for the kid.

[jobycom]

17. I work different hours, so I'm asleep when they leave.

Even so, early on I used to hear her. She'd oversleep until about fifteen minutes before she had to leave, and then start screaming at both of the kids (the oldest one's class starts 45 minutes later, so she's got plenty of time) to get ready. She rushes them out without breakfast, sometimes cursing and screaming at them, even though it was her who slept in late, and for no reason other than that she wanted to.

I mean, obviously she's not like that every day, or the kids wouldn't even want to be around her. But it's too often. And I'm worried their growing up thinking that abuse is normal. Although, my 12 year old is amazingly perceptive. I swear, she understands people better than most adults I know, and has since first grade. She's had four different teachers stand up before her school during awards ceremonies and comment that she was either the sweetest kid they've ever met, or the wisest judge of people they've ever met.

You are right. It's horrible that they should have to think that was normal.

[Blue Diadem]

33. Can you speak to your daughters and have them get themselves

up and ready for school? Do they have their own alarm clocks? By the time I was 12, I was getting up by myself, fixing my own breakfast, getting ready and walking to the bus stop to get to school. If they need to be driven then perhaps they can awaken you or her early enough so someone can drive them.

It wasn't that my Mother didn't want to get up with me, she was taking care of my sister who had downs syndrome and was often up all hours of the night. My dad left for work by 5:00am.

I'm sorry you're going through this and now have this on record. I do understand your frustration at your wife and it must be difficult for your girls. I suspect we'll be dealing with the same thing next year when my granddaughter goes to school all day. My daughter has shared parenting, so 1/2 the week my granddaughter is at her Dad's. He already had problems getting up and getting her ready when she was in pre-school..she missed some days due to his oversleeping. She went to pm kingergarten this year so everything was fine. We're going to attempt to work with her this summer with getting up to an alarm..to prepare her for waking up her father. (he sleeps through them) She's so young though I'm not sure it will work.

[jobycom]

41. My oldest, who just turned 12

Has started getting up with an alarm. My six year old, who was five much of the year, isn't ready yet.

I can handle the problem now that I know about it. I've never had trouble getting them to school when I take them. It's nothing but irresponsibility for my spouse. She just sleeps in. She lost a couple of jobs earlier on for being late. But she's been better at her current job, and for several years. I knew she was tardy some, but every time I found out about it we talked about it, and she swore she was doing better at it. She was lying. That's what makes me maddest. If I'd known, I would have solved the problem.

[Blue Diadem]

44. I understand your anger at your spouse.

Not being able to trust that they will become responsible or trust that they will follow through with their promises takes its toll. If you trust them, then you are eventually let down.

My daughter's been through it. They divorced but in our county unless something dreadfully awful has happened to classify a parent as unfit or a parent gives up custody, the court tends to force shared parenting. Now, she has no control to make sure my granddaughter gets to where she has to be when she's at her Dad's.

Your girls are lucky they have you.

[Mutley]

51. My sister and brother-in-law are night owls

they will sleep until 3 in the afternoon if you let them. My niece has been waking up to an alarm clock and getting herself ready, then waking up her parents to take her to school since she was in first grade.

[Scout1071]

57. I'm not trying to sound uncaring, but you said that you were aware

of the tardiness problem. And you knew it was ongoing. Why didn't you get up to make sure those kids get out the door and get to school on time? I mean, I know you said that you work different hours, but if it is that important than you should get up and get them ready and stop relying on your wife to do it. You said yourself that you are usually sleeping at that time if the morning. My gut instinct says that she would like to not rush around in the mornings trying to get ready for her job as a VP of a Bank - something you don't do without a ton of hard work and education - get two kids ready for school and get them there on time. My gut says that she would probably like a little help. Even if it is a compromise of you getting up, helping the kids to get ready while she gets dressed for the day and then she drives them to school and you go back to bed.

[LastKnight]

3. would there be any point in explaining the situation to the judge?

see if they cant put the blame where it belongs?

other than that i cant say much because i dont know what to say.

whatever's the case, ive found out through personal expierence that bitching and ranting on the boards at du is never a problem, and that you dont need to apologise for it, we are all friends here, air your problems as much as you like, its no problem, trust me. if it were, id be banned a long time ago.

however things go... good luck, im sure everything will turn out fine.

-LK

[LiberallyInclined]

4. did you get printed and processed?

otherwise, i wouldn't worry about my "permanent record"...
but you can always get an attorney and get it expunged.

[K8-EEE]

5. I would feel the same way --

She's completely disregarded you and your daughter too. It's almost like she's doing it on purpose...she set you up. I wonder why? I don't think something this bad and this constant could be an "oops." WTF is her problem. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD!

OMG...I would be FURIOUS. Something's up with her.

I'm really sorry, but I would consider this the end of my marriage. Not just the tardies but the lying and the set-up and the betrayal. I think it's really bad. You aren't overreacting, but please cool off before you deal with her and tell you can't trust her anymore.

I hate seeing any marriage break up but jeez. I just wouldn't be able to trust her after something like this and without trust what is there?

She would have to come VERY clean about her motivations for doing this and seek counseling and do a lot of work for me to get back with her.

Good luck to you and remember...cool head.

[jobycom]

9. Thanks

The marriage has been over for most of ten years, but we've lived in the same house because of our kids--one of the kids came around because of a momentary attempt to reconcile, which also ended when I caught her in another lie.

She grew up with a dominating father, and she was very unpopular in high school, so I've always known she was insecure. I thought that was her only problem and that she'd grow out of it. But as she did, she got more dishonest.

Anyway, it may the final straw. I looked at apartments over the weekend, and we've been talking about me moving out for a few months now. Right now I'm ready to sign a lease tomorrow. I should calm down first, though. My kids are going to be hurt. But they'll be hurt if I stay, too.

I swear I think I finally hate her. I never have before, though I've been very angry and hurt. But she knows how precarious things are, and she keeps doing stuff like this, knowing that it will split us up, and it will devestate our kids. I'm more mad at her for putting them in this position than for any of the things she's done to me--and that's been a lot.

Thanks for your post. Cool head, I know.

[K8-EEE]

13. My Friend Went Through The WORST Spouse Thing...

My friend got a call at work from a credit card company, a card she never used. No from the COLLECTION AGENCY! She was perplexed and told them she hadn't gotten any bills -- upon looking, the card was missing from her wallet.

Long story short, a fast-food camera shows her husband was the perp. Stole the card AND the bills out of the mailbox! Not only that but one of his most frequent charges on the bill was a Days Inn by their house. You guessed it, him and the next door neighbor.

What is it when people lie and KNOW they are bound to get caught? Obviously she knew you would be confronted with the truth at that hearing. This guy knew the bill would come. I wouldn't be able to close my eyes at night with that kind of stuff hanging over my head!!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. My dear jobycom....

You are MORE than entitled to be furious with your wife! Very soon to be EX-wife! All the other posters have said it better than I can, so I'll let them speak for me.

But I will say that the sooner she's out of your life, and out of your daughter's life the BETTER! I'd start with throwing her out of your house...if she isn't gone already. Neither you nor your daughter should have to deal with her lies and trouble-making.

You are a lovely guy, and you do NOT deserve all the crap she's handing you. Nor does your daughter. OK now I'm ranting...sorry. But I feel helpless, since all I can do is write my feelings down here.

I'm here for you. Rant all you want to/need to!

:pals:

[jobycom]

14. Thanks.

She can have the house, she's always made more than me. I've always hated the house, anyway, and moved here only because she liked it. I built my own little bedroom/office on the back of it, but that's the only part I'm attached to.

Debt's a big problem. She went on a binge and ran up more in credit card debt than many people make in a year not long ago--with nothing of value to show for it. That's when I first started talking about moving out.

My biggest problem is that it will be hard for me to get the kids, in Texas. Generally courts give joint custody, and if there's a dispute, the mother gets them. She's very careful--her lies and manipulations and betrayals would be hard to prove. And she makes more than I do--mostly because I've kept a job that allowed me a lot of free time, so my kids didn't have to go to aftercare. I wouldn't take her out of my daughters' lives, anyway. So it would be joint custody.

Oh well, thanks for listening. I need sleep. And booze (gotta start drinking one day)--otherwise, I'll never get to sleep.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

24. I'm always happy to listen! And you know it...

Allow me to say, my dear jobycom, please do NOT start drinking over this. It won't help you sleep, either...it screws up the different stages of sleep and will not help you at all...

Hopefully you've gotten some really good advice here tonight! Sleep well...you deserve it!

All my very best wishes for success here, jobycom...

[leftofthedial]

10. you need to tell her you are angry

you have every right. you were misled and you are the victim of her failings and lack of honesty.

[carpetbagger]

11. Sounds objectively reasonable to me.

It's one of those rare instances where truly, even to someone like myself who has no idea who you are and what you're like, the objective facts tell the whole story.

Isolated thing or pattern of behavior I'll let you figure out. I can only speculate, and I've learned to avoid assuming that a story told by one person about a relationship is the whole story. It's usually not. But in this instance, it's provable, concrete, and crystal-clear that your wife's actions are way beyond the pale.

[expatriot]

12. only thing you're being irrational about is thinking that your anger is

irrational. Sounds like she suffers from some emotional immaturity... people have time management problems and that's one thing but being able to realize you have problems and to either learn how to compensate for them or to seek help when your problems start creating problems for yourself or others is a sign of maturity. And although you didn't provide any details about how she keeps hurting you, being inconsiderate to the feelings of others, ESPECIALLY those who obviously care for you.... is a sign of emotional immaturity in that you haven't internalized the reciprocal nature of human relationships and social beings, etc.


My heart really goes out to you... I have a relationship that I truly don't deserve and it sounds like she's the one that doesn't deserve you. You obviously have a heart of gold so sweep up the pieces, do the paperwork, fight for the best interests of your kid and move on.

Look at the bright side, a few written statements from school officials and this may be a secret weapon in any god-for-bid ugly custody battle.

Your child is very lucky to have such a concerned father.

[jobycom]

25. Assume the worst

as far as the details of the various ways she's hurt me. I'm very thick skinned, she didn't hurt me by being inconsiderate. That would have almost been charming, considering.

As for letters from school officials, I don't know how I could prove anything. If she knows she's fighting me, she'll just deny I didn't know, or worse, play on the "men never help out around the house" card, and make me look bad. That's one reason I quit trying to divorce her ten years ago--Texas courts aren't known for favoring the father under most circumstances.

[BikeWriter]

15. Fuck this shit! Have you sat down and asked the Lady what the fuck...

is the problem? I've been alone for the last five years. Yes, I said alone. My forever love left and lives somewhere else, and some guy is listening to her tell him what an asshole I turned into after being her White Knight for ten years.
You two have SEPERATE REALITIES, Jobycom! Before you piss off your and her marriage and your kid's home talk to her! Ask her to please tell you what she sees as your problems, or she'll soon be telling them to someone else.
I wish you, her, and the kids the best of luck.

[micrometer_50]

16. I think you missed the boat

When my children were of school age, I took it upon myself to
see that they made it to school.
I had a few confrontations with several bosses about my immediate
responsibilities, and ended up changing bosses so I could
escort my offspring to their daily responsibilities.
Don't wait for someone else to do it:

You are their parent, don't pass it off to anyone else.

</rant>

[jobycom]

20. I didn't know she was late

I agree, they are my kids, as well as hers, and I would have taken them to school if I had known how serious it was. I asked her several times if she needed me to, and I told her once if I got any more warning slips I was going to take them in spite of what she said. I don't know if I didn't get warning slips after that, or if she hid them, or what, but I had no idea it was this bad.

[micrometer_50]

23. I'm a little cofused here,

and am still wondering how old you children are.
It sounds like you are going to have to tell the judge
that improvements will be made.
Hang in there, Dad, you kids will see what you do for them.


:thumbsup:

[jobycom]

26. The one who is late

is six, and just finished kindergarten. My older daughter is 12. She starts class 45 minutes later than the younger one, and her school is only ten minutes away, so she is always early. It's the younger one, whose school is about four blocks away, who is always tardy.

As I understand it, this is a criminal trial for a misdemeanor, and the judge is only concerned about guilt or innocence, not about future promises. If I'm guilty, they told me, it goes on my permanent police record-- something I've never had one of until now. I try very hard to follow laws, this is not a minor thing to me.

[micrometer_50]

28. You're right, it's not minor.

And you can't undo what has led to this point.
Let the judge, and your conscience know, that you
will redouble your efforts and ensure that your
children will have the support necessary for each one
to complete the education available to them.




:loveya:

[MissHoneychurch]

18. when you move out

take your kids with you. It doesn't sound like she should keep them.

What I don't understand is why you are getting the police record and not her?

[jobycom]

21. We both are

They filed a complaint against both of us.

[AngryAmish]

38. Don't sweat the police record thing

I have a police record (misdomeaner) in three states and it never has effected me.

[norml]

19. For about $700 you can hire a lawyer who might be able to get the charges

dropped. You might even be able to talk to the County/City Attorney, to get it dropped, or to do some sort of Pre-Trial Diversion, so that you wouldn't have a record. If you provide the explanation you've given above, and give assurances that things will be different, things might go well for you. On the harsh side, you knew she was irresponsible, dishonest, and had difficulty with being on time. Maybe you found that to be charming about her once upon a time, but you can't be too surprised. Don't blame her without blaming yourself. You should've checked in with the school sometime before this, to make sure everything was going well. If you haven't already, it's time to join the PTA.

[jobycom]

22. Oh, I do blame myself for that part

It would have involved more fighting, but I should have known better than to believe her. But that doesn't stop me from feeling betrayed by her lies. If not for the lies, the tardies wouldn't have happened.

As for me finding it charming about her once upon a time, you have no idea the depths of her dishonesty. I never found any of this charming. You might not even believe me if I told the whole story.

[norml]

27. Her name wouldn't be Tina by any chance?

I once knew a very charming sociopath by that name.

[dorktv]

29. Well Jobycom..as I have read the posts, when you divorce the kids..

always tell them, Mom and me are divorcing each other but NOT YOU. I could have used that growing up when both parents used me as a pawn.

[hfojvt]

31. Am I the only one who thinks having to goto court for this

is bizarre? It boggles my mind that you had to goto court because your kids were late to school. Of course, I grew up walking to school all by myself, instead of having a parent take me, and I think most of my nieces and nephews are bused, so I think it is strange to see all of the cars waiting outside of the local grade school.

Anyway, it does not sound good that you never called the school after receiving a couple of notices. You gave too much responsibility to someone you had good reason not to trust. You were closing your eyes to a situation you did not wish to acknowledge.

Also, I notice that you say "my kids" and "my youngest" rather than saying "our". You are excluding her there. It seems to me that 1) she took a task from you which probably made your life easier, and 2) you blew off any responsibility for the task such as following up on the notices, and 3) she did not want to tell you about the problems because that would admit her short-comings which you would rub her nose in, as you already seem to hold her in low esteem, and 4) apparently your children did not tell you either.

Anyway, there seems to be plenty of blame and that all your anger should not be directed at her. I would probably be just as mad at myself and at the city and school district. Nobody is perfect, although my girlfriend's seem that way when I am wooing them. It seems unreasonable to expect open communication in a relationship which you have pretty much given up on and I wonder if you are not dwelling on her imperfections and ignoring her assets. A slight imperfection like a misdemeanor seems to make you very angry - yet it is not the end of the world. It ended when she said good-bye.

[Blue-Jay]

34. It's the first I've ever heard of such a thing.

Getting a misdemeanor because your kid is late to school too often? That's insane.

[aeolian]

36. Seriously. What if your kids aren't in public school, or are home

schooled? This seems like a law that only affects the parents of public school children...

...and a fucking misdemeanor? What about a violation? Shit, my pot bust college was only a violation.

[jobycom]

42. Yeah, I thought of challenging the law on "equal protection"

on just that point--if I could afford to send my kids to private school, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I did send my oldest to private school until last year, which is why I didn't even know about this law until now.

[jobycom]

39. No, I'm angry at the state of Texas and her school, too. Davis Elementary

I couldn't believe this was a crime. In April someone from the school called me at work and told me they were offering a parent workshop to parents who were tardy. I told her my wife was out of town, so we wouldn't go, since she was the one with the problem (I've never gotten her to school late, and I've taken her maybe 15-20% of the time). She said okay, and hung up. If we'd gone to the workshop, I learned later, they wouldn't have filed. The school official never mentioned this, or that she could file charges.

And her teacher--I pick my kid up every day, so I see the teacher every day. She never once the whole year mentioned the tardies. I'd been warned by several parents and even a friend who works in the office that this teacher had a bad reputation for not communicating. Even when I asked, she rarely told me anything. Early in the year my daughter was sent to the principal for taking her clothes off in class. I wasn't even told about it. A week later she did it again, and this time the principal waited with the teacher for me to pick her up, and told me about it. My kid had gone to the nurse, the councelor, and the principal, and the teacher didn't bother to tell me, even though she saw me every day.

So yeah, I'm not happy with that school at all.

As for the rest, yes, I blame myself, too, but we're forty years old, my wife is a bank VP, so I don't tend to treat her like a child. I wasn't shirking any duties--I was quite busy with the problems I knew my kids were having. And I didn't want my spouse to take them to school, but it was very important to her. She lied directly when I asked about the tardies, and when I asked if she had called the school about the warnings (actually, I'm assuming she lied, because she still says she called, and the school says they wouldn't have filed if she had).

And her lies have been over things a lot more serious than misdemeanors. Her fear of my disapproval has nothing to do with my reactions to her--she's afraid of anyone's disapproval. I could go into why, but I won't. It has nothing to do with me. Most men would have left her long ago, as she has pointed out frequently to me and our kids. She told my oldest daughter recently that most men would have beaten or killed her for some of what she's done. And reading the newspaper, I know it's true. (For the record, no, I've never hit her, threatened her, killed her, and rarely even yell at her, even when she's yelling at me. I'm a long way from perfect, but I'm a nice guy, and the major grievances in the marriage have all come from her. And they aren't misdemeanors.)

This has me upset because it's about my kids. Her lies kept me from doing better for them. And it means that now I know I can't rely on her even when our daughters are involved. I've forgiven her affairs, her faked rapes and suicides, her lies to my friends to turn them against me. But now it's about my kids. So it's way more than a misdemeanor that's upsetting me. The only reason we've stayed married for the entire decade of my 30s was for the kids. Now I know that even they aren't sacred to her. It's a very big deal to me.

As for me using "my" instead of "our," I did that deliberately, and went back and changed the "our" to "my" in the OP when I reread it. It was no Freudian slip, it was a deliberate statement.

[Left Is Write]

40. No - I'm amazed by that!

I have never, ever heard of having to go to court over one's children being late to school, or having it be part of a permanent police record. That seems so over the top.

[GOPisEvil]

32. I'd be irate, too.

It's enough that you have to parent your kids. That's expected. But parenting your spouse too? Come on, she's an adult. And her immaturity has cost you. Oh yeah, I'd be pissed if I were you, too.

[sendero]

35. I'm never going to ..

.... give you shit again - you have enough to deal with at home :)

Seriously, you have every right to be angry, I'd be fit to be tied.

But there is no point in having a fight about it. Maybe you should just get away from her, sounds like you two are incompatible (that's intentional understatement BTW :))

[jobycom]

43. I think

part of the reason I throw down here over Tom Cruise and other worthless crap is to get the fight out of my system, so I don't do it in front of the kids. :-)

[Renew Deal]

37. Get a lawyer, plea it down

And fix the problem at home.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

45. It's not irrational and it's a HUGE opportunity to open communication

with your wife.

Her cowardice in not telling you the truth cost you, your child AND her. Having her see the costs of her behavior for the measly payoff of covering her ass would be a major breakthrough for her AND YOU since that is probably a communication you've been sitting on for years without the means to illustrate it.

As far as the misdemeanor goes, it should not be permanent. Contact the courts and find out what you need to do to get it removed once the penalties are addressed.

BTW, it seems you have a trial which means you haven't been convicted of a misdemeanor yet? When?

[jobycom]

50. Not sure on the trial

We had some court thing that set up the trial. They will send me a court date in the mail. I thought I had a defense, because I hadn't seen their documentation, but now I don't think I do. I've been thinking of talking to a lawyer friend, to see what he thinks would be best. I don't even know what law he practices, though, and I don't want to start fishing for freebies.

As for the spouse, Sis, believe me, if communication would have saved us, we'd have been saved. This isn't the first or close to the most serious time she's had to face consequences for her actions. Some have been acutely painful. It isn't me that won't communicate or compromise or try to adjust. She will make any promise I ask, and break it immediately. I spent the first ten years feeling like it was all my fault, that if I just tried to make her feel better about herself she would trust me enough to be honest with me. She loved that--it was easier for her to lie and manipulate.

It's just over. Even if I stay with her, or rather, with the kids, I'll never trust her again. We're friendly--I'm a nice guy--but that's the most we'll ever be. I get creeped out when she tries to touch me, even.

[RedCloud]

46. Don't fight a judge over school policies.

They never let you in on their inner thinking. They view school in very optimistic lights.

[graywarrior]

47. Sounds like AADD to me. Get her to see a doctor.

[redqueen]

48. A sympathetic hug from someone who knows what you're going through.

:pals:

[jobycom]

53. Thank you. I keep meaning to ask

Why Cheese? Why not Blue?

[redqueen]

55. hehehehehe

COOL!

Because I just fell in love with Cheese. Blue's great and all... but Cheese I just LOVE!

[SmokingJacket]

49. Why would you let her take the kids to school if she's always late?

I mean, I can't pay bills on time, so my husband does it. He can't remember to water the plants, so I do it.

Okay, you have a right to be angry at her, I'd be too, but you **knew** this was happening -- maybe not to the degree it was happening, but then, you didn't try to find out, either -- so you're also at fault here, particularly since they're your kids.

[Obamarama]

52. You need to shit or get off the pot, dude!

First, I don't think your anger is irrational. I'd be livid beyond words.

Next, I think your wife sounds like a self-centered, passive agressive person, who at 40 years of age, is not likely to change her ways.

Finally, you admit the relationship is pretty much over and has been for the last decade or so.

What I'm stumped on is why on EARTH you are not clear about what you need to do: MOVE OUT, FILE FOR DIVORCE, AND MOVE ON. If this is an example of the type of thing that has been going on in your lives for the last ten years and you haven't ended it yet, then you need to think long and hard about what it is that is KEEPING you from doing what you know you need to do.

Don't say "we need to stay together for the kids." I don't think any of us responding to this thread believe that's a wise course of action, and I'm willing to bet that you don't beleive it, either. It has been my experience that kids are pretty resilient when it comes to things like divorce. They are more likely to adjust to the situation in a healthy way at their current ages, as opposed to growing into their adulthood pissed off at both of you for putting them through X number of years growing up in a stressful household in which their parents really don't care for each other.

Next, you need to think about yourself. You sound like a pretty well-adjusted guy. Stop a moment, reach inside yourself and grab a hold of your self-esteem and dust it off. Realize that you deserve to be happy. The stress of living in a loveless marriage that has no real hope for salvage is not a hell you should need to endure: not for your children, not for anyone.

There's nothing I can really fault you on, other than not getting out sooner. You need to come up with a plan of action, and then you need to act on it and get on with living your life.

Good luck, man!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

54. I agree--it's no fun for kids to be in a house full of tension

One of my acquaintances finally filed for divorce after he realized that his kids were never home. The oldest one admitted that the atmosphere between the two parents was so tense and unpleasant that they hated being in the house and would think up any excuse to be away.

[TrogL]

56. Go for custody

If she's late bringing them to school, there's probably plenty else going on you don't know about eg. the house is probably a mess, meals not on time, Dr's apptments missed.