Update on my friend

[Droopy]

Some of you may remember my friend who was going to get into trouble with the law for not being compliant with child support. Here's the thread that I wrote about that:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=3453903

I talked to him about hiring a lawyer and told him that I would help him out with that. He didn't want to because he was afraid his ex would just hire a lawyer too and he'd end up possibly not seeing his daughter as often as he does now. I don't know about such matters, but he's been to court over his daughter before and I can understand why he'd be afraid.

Somebody on the original thread above suggested that I get him to do some work around my house in exchange for the money that he needed to stay out of jail. I thought that was a good idea because I did need some landscaping work done. So after I failed to convince him to get a lawyer I offered him the deal about my house. He originally did not want to take the money from me. But I talked him into it and gave him two options. He could either pay me back with what he could afford each week or he could come over to my place and do some landscaping in return for the money. He took the landscaping option and I'm glad that he did. I'd hate to see him not be able to pay the money back if I just loaned it to him. It would possibly put a wedge in our friendship. I'm the type of person that would let the money go if it looked like he was not able to pay it back, but I know him and he would not feel right being around me if he was failing to pay me back.

So he worked on my yard all day today. It looks so much better now. I told my friend that we were now even.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

1. It may well be time...

For your friend to talk to a psychological intake service. It sounds to me like he is grappling with some issues.

[Droopy]

3. What makes you say that?

Of course he has issues external to him that he needs to deal with like finding a good job. But you know how hard that can be right now. As far as I know he's psychologically stable if somewhat depressed about his situation. But the depression will be lifted when he finds a good job I think.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

7. Look...

We all face times like this in our lives. We all, being Americans, try to face these times alone. An intake will expose him to many, many support systems that can well help him get through these times.

Trust me: been there, done that.

[Maddy McCall]

10. Yeah...the issue of not supporting his children.

Seems like a psychological disorder to me, too, as I can't imagine how any parent, man or woman, could bear the guilt of not supporting the kids. NO excuse.

[Droopy]

13. Do you not think he feels guilty?

He's been doing what he can. He's been sending in money. It just hasn't been enough. This guy is no dead-beat.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

14. I wouldn't begin to call him a deadbeat.

That said, I know something about what he is going through and I would like to see him get the supports he needs. A psychological intake and linkage to service organizations that arise from that intake could well be the key.

[Droopy]

15. Please explain what a psychological intake is for me

When I think of psychological intake I think of a lock down unit on a psych ward.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

23. Oh no.

That is where he goes and talks honestly and completely with a trained psychological intake worker. He fills out some forms, answers some questions and has an interview.

Trust me, it ain't no bad thing. If there is an office of Easter Seals in your area, call them and ask for more information on this. They are great people and a great organization and they will give you the straight skinny.

Another route is to call your local crisis line and ask some questions.

[peacefreak]

2. Droopy,

that was a wise & kind thing you did. You are a true friend.

[Droopy]

4. Thank you

I've been friends with the guy for a long time and we have a history of helping each other out.

[tjdee]

5. Oh good. Glad it worked out for you guys.

:)

[Droopy]

6. I am too.

The last thing I wanted to do was see him in prison. He told me that he would go to jail until he could come up with the money. That leaves his parents if I didn't do anything and they are in a tight spot right now. He told me that it would be a couple of months before his parents could come up with the money.

[Maddy McCall]

8. If you paid him the money to pay his back child support instead of...

to hire a lawyer, then he wouldn't be in this pickle.

Sorry, but I hate people (men or women) who don't support their children. If I had to pay child support, I'd wash cars or mow yards to make sure that my children got the money due them.

[Droopy]

11. It's not always that easy

He's been doing what he can and has been sending in money. It's just not been enough.

I hear of DUers on here all the time that are having trouble getting work. I'm sure they are doing what they can.

[warrens]

18. When you are in that position, having a lawyer to watch out is good

I was unemployed for an extended period, but my ex and I are on good terms, and she managed to scrape by. Once I got a job, the payments resumed and I pay more per month to make up for it.

But if it is not a friendly relationship, he could be jailed. A lawyer can stop that. He is technically in contempt of court, but it does no one any good for him to be in jail and unable to work.

[Droopy]

22. Yes

He and his wife are not on good terms. She's wouldn't have any problem with sending him to jail. I can understand that. But like you say, he cannot pay child support from jail. He was going to go to jail and have his parents bail him out. But they are in a tight spot right now and it would be several months before they had the money to get him out. I tried to hire a lawyer for him, but he refused.

[warrens]

9. You're a very thoughtful person

Taking a handout sucks, and you handled it perfectly.

[Droopy]

12. Thank you

[purr]

16. My husbands ex is court ordered to pay child support...

It was over a year and finally we had a court date to get her held in contempt for willfully not paying her child support (a whole 160/mo). If she doesnt have a job she will go to jail no matter what her excuse is that month. She has taken her kids other fathers out for contempt when she doesnt get ONE month.. we had to fight with the court system for OVER a year - they wanted to give HER a chance (HA.. if the rules were reversed my husband would be in jail in 1 month).

She rather sit at home and not support her 3 kids and collect as much as she can off the gov't and her other kids fathers. I know WAAAY to many people that do this.. sickening.

My situation is much much different.. my ex pays his child support every month on time (court ordered), and has never once missed. I never held the kids over his head and we have a pretty good relationship. If theres a problem we work it out for the sake of the kids.

There is NO reason NOT to support your child.. that even includes dealing with the other parent. Children arent made just by oneself - it takes two. I'm having a hell of a time finding a job right now.. could be that I'm about ready to have my 3rd child, but whatever the case is I'll keep on searching. If I had to I'd muck stalls so I could support my children if need be. They are MY responsibility and by damn, its MY responsibility to take care of them as well as it is my ex's.

[Droopy]

19. As I said earlier

He has been doing what he can. He has been sending in money. It just hasn't been enough. As you may know it's not all that easy to get a job right now. Put yourself in my friend's shoes. Would you rather pay $400 or go to jail indefinitely? If he had the money to pay in full each month he'd be doing it.

[warrens]

21. Yep

I had a bitter divorce, but once the lawyers had got all they could, I took over my case, won it, then settled on very favorable terms. I thought i would really resent writing that check every month, but it actually makes me feel good, and my daughter, after a rough time, is thriving. She lives up the street and we see each other two or three times a week, and it's as good a situation as it can be.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. I'm not sure, Droopy, that I fully understand what you two worked out...

He did the work, that much I understand. And did you then pay him for it? I suspect that that was what happened...And now he can pay the child support that he owes right now.

Did you discuss the truck driving option as well?

I sure hope that his life situation will improve; you are a very good friend to him. I'm sure he appreciates what you're doing for him, even if he is embarrassed by it...

:applause:

[Droopy]

20. Yes he did the work on my house in return for the money

I mentioned truck driving to him the other night. He still seems resistent. But I will work on him some more.