Just hung up on my mother--was I wrong?

[tjdee]

My kid has a fever, the cat has something weird going on with her eye (she won't open it), comcast just screwed up a bank account...my mother called yesterday to blame me for the fever, because my house is "disgusting" according to her, and that I don't have a "sterile" environment. My daughter had bronchitis in March, and pneumonia last November, so "the house is so messy" I keep "making her sick".

Then today she called right in the middle of my taking the kid's temperature--to ask if we went to church. :eyes: I said no, the kid has a fever, hello?! Then she asked if I was having a party for the kid (the b-day was over two weeks ago) and I said no. There were a lot of factors involved in that, most of which my mother was aware of before today. The party would have been yesterday, but I did tell her at some point before this week I probably wasn't having one. I talk to her mostly every day, she hasn't mentioned it.

But today she launches into "That's a selfish decision, not to have a party for your little daughter. Did you even get her anything for her birthday (yes, I did)? *You* didn't want a party, so she doesn't get a party? Selfish, selfish, sel--"

I hung up. Then I felt bad.

I mean, maybe I am just a selfish horrible mother who malnourishes her child/keeps her child in filthy decisions? and am in denial? Sigh.

[auntAgonist]

1. You have enough on

your plate, you didn't need her ranting and disapproving ways. Look after your daughter, don't answer the phone and try to have a relaxing day.

[tjdee]

9. I love that bubble bath in your sig...

Maybe I should draw me one of them....thank you!

[Coventina]

2. My condolences

Housework has always been a struggle for me as well. It's not helpful for other people to harass you about it.

You had every right to hang up on her.

Personally, I've found that the "Flylady" system of home maintenance helps me. She offers it for free on the internet:

www.flylady.net

It's not for everyone, but like I said, I've found it helpful.

[Heidi]

4. It's not helpful for other people to harass you about it . . .

especially when they don't have to live with it and aren't lifting a finger to help with it.

End of mini-rant.

[tjdee]

11. Thank you...

I've not heard of her...I'll give it a try...I don't think my house is that bad except for my room, but as I mentioned I must be insane because my mother thinks it's "disgusting."

Sigh.

[nini]

3. You should have told her to mind her own business - then hung up

You have a right to make whatever decisions you want with your children. A birthday party is not a RIGHT of a child, it's a nice thing if you can pull it off but if you can't - that's how it goes.

You need to have a serious talk with her to back off or you'll have to cut her out of your life until she can do so.

IF she's so worried about mother/daughter relationships she should worry about her own.

Good Luck :hug:

[Wapsie B]

5. I've got a dad like that.

Nothing's ever right. Don't feel bad. You've got to live your own life.
Sometimes parents have unresolved issues that they want to give to everyone around them. My way of dealing with it is keeping a healthy distance.

[DS1]

6. I'd have already blocked her phone number

Who needs to deal with that shit?

[I Have A Dream]

7. You did what you did to take care of yourself.

It's like the oxygen mask in an airplane. You have to put your oxygen mask on before you put a child's mask on. If you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to have what you need to take care of others around you. Hanging up on your mother was putting the oxygen mask on yourself.

Just because she's your mother doesn't give her the right to harrass you. You are not her, and she's got to understand that you are not always going to make the same decision that she'd make.

Did your daughter really care about a party? If not, then don't stress yourself. You need to find a balance, and it sounds to me that this is what you were trying to do.

I wonder if she would have said these things to you if you were her son instead of her daughter.

You are doing the best you can with what you have at the time. Nobody can do better than that.

If you have to hang up on your mother to make her treat you with respect, then this is what you must do. Next time you speak, you need to tell her this. (If you don't deal, you don't heal.) If you love her, make sure that she realizes this. However, I don't think that you should apologize for doing it given the way she was treating you given your current situation.

Good luck with however this turns out. Either way, you did what you needed to do at the time to hang onto the little bit of control that you had left so that you could deal with what really needed your attention at the time.

[cornermouse]

8. If it makes you feel any better,

I've hung up on mine too. (sigh) There is a point where it just gets to be too much.

[undeterred]

10. My mother told me I gave me dog cancer

and when I told her that was an awful thing to say, she explained herself and said it again.

We don't talk much, my choice.

[tjdee]

14. Oh my goodness, that's horrible!

Unfortunately, I think my mother would say something similar.

*Why* would she say something like that? Did she expect you to go "gee, you're right, I *did* give my dog cancer! You've made me feel so much better!"

Sorry she said that.

[undeterred]

19. I call it the "art of casual verbal cruelty" - which she excels at

She'll say something in an offhand way which has enormous emotional content, and then act like you're thin-skinned for reacting to it.

I used to let my dog jump in the city fountains to cool himself off in the summer - she says that he got cancer because he drank the water (which had no additives at all).

I spent $6000 in a year on my dog's treatment and he is now a 5 year cancer survivor and is almost 13. I love him more than anything and take better care of him than 99% of the population takes care of their dogs, or so I am often told. If you wanted to stab me in the heart emotionally, this is the perfect thing to say.

My mother is a guilt ridden old Lutheran who has to assign a cause for every bad thing that happens. She blames everyone's illnesses on something they've done or eaten. You can't change it, you just have to deal with her.

Thanks for listening.

Edit: Your mom sounds like she's a pro at laying on the guilt too.

[gardenista]

30. Love that. Can I use it? It perfectly describes my mother's

well honed ability to say something extraordinarily insulting and then expect to be invited to lunch the next day.

I guess they learned it from their own mothers...

[undeterred]

37. Sure. I think I did make that phrase up,

It seems to be a particular gift of women. I think that when you grow up with a lot of it, you don't even realize you are being abused. My mother is a soft-spoken woman who leaves the room or changes the subject if there is any hint of conflict. But she comes up with stuff like "you gave your dog cancer" as casually as if she were saying "you changed your hair, didn't you".

[gardenista]

39. Oh... I know exactly what you mean, and as sad as it is, you gave me

a little chuckle.

I agree that women are particularly gifted at the stealthy stab wound. It's a particularly important tool of the "Queen B's" in school, and can fly completely under the radar of most men and boys.

It's important that we teach our daughters not to engage in this sort of crap.

[dajoki]

12. my mother-in-law

drives my poor wife crazy on the phone(and me too)!:banghead:

[tjdee]

21. I'm kind of glad I'm not married when this happens....

I can't imagine what she'd have to say about/to my poor husband!

[MissB]

13. Sterile environments do nothing to prepare one's immune

system for real life.

Next time, suggest that if she is so appalled by the condition of your house that she hire a maid for you.

Your daughter's bronchitis and pneumonia likely have absolutely nothing to do with the cleanliness (or lack thereof) of your house.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

15. You did exactly right! She has no business talking to you like that...

In addition to the other excellent suggestions here today, let me make one more: buy an answering machine, plug your phone into it, and let it screen your calls. Then you won't have to answer it if you don't feel like it. I would also suggest that you NOT talk to your mom nearly every day...Maybe weekly at most. She needs to find something else to do with her life...

If she were supportive and loving, that would be different; but she's NOT...

Hang in there! We DU'ers are here for you...

:rant:

[Gormy Cuss]

16. Dear selfish horrible in denial tjdee with the filthy malnourished kid,

(I'm kidding --- what terrible things to feel!)

It's pretty obvious that she enjoys trying to dictate your life choices via the phone. The beauty of it is, the phone gives you the freedom to make funny faces, flip her the bird, draw nasty little caricatures, and other sneaky ways to vent without her ever being the wiser.

As long as the kid isn't in the room, try it. You'd be amazed how gratifying it is. You're taking back control and she doesn't even realize it.

You feel bad about hanging up because it's rude, and you don't like to be rude. Next time, don't hang up. Just put the phone down and walk away for a breather. When you come back if she's still on the line, say "uh-huh," and put the phone down again. Eventually she'll either run out of steam or notice that you're not there, but you've missed the unkind rant in the meantime. If she asks you what happened, tell her the truth.

I hope your daughter is feeling better. If your daughter is under the age of 5, she wouldn't remember her birthday party in five years anyway. I've had friends who did nothing for birthday or Christmas until the first kid was 4, because little kids really don't notice without peer or older sibling influence. They only notice being loved and secure.

[tjdee]

20. The drawings are a good idea!

I really try to remain level headed, because at heart I am very non-confrontational. But she's been getting worse, and I just couldn't take it today.

The drawings sound like a better idea though, because she will feel like she is telling me a thing or two, but I have somewhere else to focus my attention. :)

My kid is just 6, and she did want a party, but we had a talk and she was okay with not having one.

[Left Is Write]

17. I think I would have hung up too.

And about the birthday party - I have already told my children not to expect birthday parties EVERY year. My eighteen-year-old has had a few birthday parties with her friends; other years, it was just family with dinner out and cake and ice cream.

I don't think children need to have birthday parties every year. It just sets them up for high expectations, and it seems you have to keep outdoing yourself. Sometimes there will be parties. Sometimes they will be small at-home parties, other times maybe we'll go bowling or to the movies. Other times, it will just be family. And that's okay.

I grew up in a family of five kids. We always went out to dinner on someone's birthday, and my mom always made a cake. My grandparents usually came over the weekend before or after the birthday. Each of us kids got to have one big birthday - our choice as to when. It would have been cost prohibitive to have birthday parties (plus birthday dinner) for five kids every year.

[uppityperson]

18. It's guilt producing to hang up on a parent, but fine to do it.

I've done it also. I felt very guilty about it, but realized that it is ok to hang up on people, same way it is ok to not continue a conversation with someone, or respond to an answer in a forum. Polite manners dictate you ALWAYS let the other person end the conversation, which really gets us nowhere. Sometimes you have to do it and it is ok. It sounds like she is having a problem of some sort, concerned with her granddaughter, perhaps feeling guilty about not giving enough for birthday herself?

Now, don't you have anything more important to do than keep your house clean to someone elses standard? Don't you realize that your child will hold having no party this year against you for the rest of her life? Especially true the younger she is or if she is older or a teenager? How could you be so selfish to not do something your mother wants you to do? Especially when your daughter probably doesn't care (I'm assuming this here)? And sick twice in one year!! the Horror!!! Have you named your dustbunnies? :sarcasm:

I am a parent and a health care provider. Here are some facts to share with you (I heard about the bed/dust mite thing just last wk, vindication for we unmade bed people). Kids who grow up with a cat are less likely to have allergies later. Kids who grow up with a cat and have allergies need less allergy shots since having a cat is like having cat allergy shots (low dose continual exposure). An unmade bed airs out better and has less dust mites than a made bed, and therefor is less likely to cause health problems. Kids do better when exposed to stuff rather than kept in sterile environments, their immune systems develop better, able to better respond to infefctions. People get sick on the average of 4 times a yr.

[fortyfeetunder]

22. You did what you had to do

:hug:

You didn't need the additional stress.

As for that lone voter who said "respect the elder"...I say respect goes both ways. Being a parent does not give privilege to verbally abuse their (adult) children.

If Grandma was so concerned about the granddaughter having a party, then why didn't she plan and host one, and give her daughter a well deserved break?

[NYdemocrat089]

23. She should have understood that it wasn't the time to lecture you.

You were way too busy. She'll understand.

[seemunkee]

24. My wife does it all the time to her mother

gossip, complain, gossip, this person did that, this person didn't do that, blah blah blah
*Hangup*

[China_cat]

25. My grandmother was a clean freak

scrubbed her floors on her hands and knees with Brillo pads. I could never live up to her standards so I quit trying. As a result, I'm a slob.

However, my kids were sick a lot less than I was at the same ages. Take it as you will and hang it up where it can be seen:

My house; clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy.

[tjdee]

26. Thank you everybody.

I feel better...even though I still feel bad I hung up. I thought of calling her to apologize for hanging up...but then I'd have to talk to her and hear how selfish/negligent/awful I am.


So, eh. Time to watch a Shah Rukh Khan film. :)

[lazarus]

27. Hi, this is Haele posting as hubby Laz...

I'm not a psych-type, nor do I play one on TV...
But it sounds like she's got issues about something she screwed up and can't admit, and she's taking them out on you because you're an easy target for her.

She's using you like other people will kick a dog when they're pissed.

You aren't a selfish, horrible mother if the reasons you have for not having the party are consistant with the budget and discipline (lord knows kids need to learn limits and the difference between "wants" and "needs"); houses get messy in minutes when there's a kid and animals and you work; going to church like it's a social club instead of going because you want to get closer to the diety of your choice is hypocritical at best; and no - you aren't in denial.

It's okay for your mother to act like a shit and you still love her. You don't have to feel guilty because she wants you to, and if she's not going to give you constructive help and criticism, it's okay to say "I'm not going to discuss this unless you want to offer help that will actually have some bearing on the real world instead of the fantasy world you want to live in." - or hang up, if she wants to continue to play passive-agressive control games with you because she can't control other people or things in her life.

It's okay.

Haele
(an evil stepmom who's housekeeping skills are not the world's best, either)

[Bunny]

28. No, you were not wrong.

She had no business doing what she did to you, when you're already under stress. Hanging up on her may just give her something to think about.

[xmas74]

29. Are you sure we don't have the same mother?

I didn't have large parties growing up yet my mother expects me to put out huge affairs for my kids birthday every year (we had one yesterday for her 5th birthday).
A couple of years ago I was so poor that I couldn't afford to go to the laundromat (needed that money for utilities). I used to handwash everything every single night and hang it to dry in the bathroom. When my mom came over she called it disgusting and threatened to call DFS. (Of course, she likes to overlook that we were just as poor growing up but in different ways).
And there are nights when we are so busy I don't have time to cook a large meal. We'll have sandwiches instead (I figure since I throw lettuce and tomato on them they can be a healthy enough choice). According to my family, this makes my child malnourished (even though the doctor says she is very healthy).
And the constant ear infections when she was younger were always my fault.
Plus, I'm white trash because my child's father refuses to be apart of her life.


I just have to wonder if we are somehow related since I hear very similar things all the time.

[tjdee]

35. Seriously, LOL!

I hear that all the time, about "what I'm feeding her"--meanwhile, the doc says she's fine.

I'm not white trash, LOL, but that's probably only because I'm black!
Actually, that is the one topic my mother has always been cool about that. I suspect part of the reason is because if my kid's dad was around, my mom would have to deal with him, and tell him how much of a loser *he* is.

[melv]

31. Here's the question you should ask yourself-

why do you keep up a relationship when all it does is hurt you?

[tjdee]

36. She has done a lot for me...and my kid.

I think she likes to be able to say "I can't believe you hung up on me when I just bought tjdee jr. a pool two weeks ago"...that sort of thing. But she also has done a lot for us, and me before I had the kiddo. She really started to get bad like this when I had my kid, and it's gotten much worse since we moved away from her.

It's a big pain. But she means well, I think. Even when she's mean and nasty. I just can't deal with it all the time and want to make sure I'm not a freak for that.

[melv]

41. my dad is the same

of course, the only way he knows how to say "I love you" is by throwing money at something. It used to always make me feel cheap to accept money and call it love.

[gardenista]

32. This is why I only talk to my mother on my cell phone.

That way, I can nicely hang up on her by saying, "oops, I'm getting close to the tunnel. Just wanted to say a nice good-bye before I ge...."

I can hang up on her any time. She knows that I do this, and when she gets to a controversial subject, she says, well, I guess you're getting close to the tunne;, but I just wanted to talk to you about...

(Usually something to do with the insane brother she insists upon enabling.)

Sure enough, there's that tunnel now!

[bertha katzenengel]

33. I wonder why someone would (not "who did") vote "should never hang up

on your parents." Parents are just human beings like everyone else. Just because they spawned us, and in some cases raised us well, does not give them the right to treat us like shit.

[merh]

34. Think of it this way.

Your main concern in life is your child. If your mother's judgments and telephone rants stress you and make you doubt yourself and your ability to mother, then you need to do what is best for you and that is cut them off. To sit and listen to her rants is an injustice to you and thus is an injustice to your child. You are her mother and your instincts are good, don't doubt that. Your mother needs to accept the fact that you are an adult and your sole responsibility is to your child, not to her ego.

It's hard to put an end to the judgment of our family, to tell them you love them, but you won't put up with their judgmental ways. But, once you do that you have freed yourself to live and to love your child. If you don't break the pattern now, you will be repeating it in 20 years and your child will be texting someone this same question and you will be the one that is hung up on.

You can not take care of another if you don't take care of yourself. Appreciate all you are, love yourself and you can give to your child and foster her loving being.

:hug: Good luck. Don't doubt your instincts, don't hate your mother, just accept her for who she is and let her know that it is your life and you don't need her judgment.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

38. She's pissed she can't control everything you do anymore...

so, she's just being a hag to deal with it. Don't talk to her again until she can understand that you are the mother in this situation and you refuse to be treated that way. If she has nothing nice to say, she needn't talk to you ever.
Duckie

[nicknameless]

40. Sounds like she called for the sole purpose of abusing you.

You did the right thing. Hope things look up for you! :)

[ElsewheresDaughter]

42. i hung up on my daughter today

[mykpart]

43. I hate to discourage you, but my mother

still treats me like that, and I'm 57 & she's 80! Maybe if I had been brave enough and smart enough to hang up on her when I was younger, I wouldn't be so screwed up & neurotic now! You go, girl!