Relationship question for DU'ers

[Lindsey]

My girlfriend (I'm a lesbian) and I pretty much broke up today (eventhough we're going to think about it). It's been a very on again/ off again, up and down, roller coaster relationship since October. We have many differences. The thing that bothers me the most is that she's not into intellectual pursuits at all. I went back to college as a full-time working adult and in 1998 at the age of 41 got my Bachelor's Degree (the proudest accomplishment of my life). We haven't discussed it but I don't think she has a high school diploma or a GED (she was quite the hell-raiser/rebel when she was younger). She's 37 and I'm 47. Anyhow, she thought Emily Dickinson was an artist of some kind (her words) and thougt King Tut (who just came to L.A.) was a play. There's so much general knowledge that she just doesn't have. On the other hand, she's a loving, kind, and very spiritual person (which is very important to me) although she tends to be moody and needy. The sex is the best I've ever had and we do share some common interests. Am I being too picky?

[achtung_circus]

1. It takes more than sex

or some common interests. It takes a special person. So, no. You're not being too picky. She's out there somewhere.

[Lindsey]

3. Well, I don't know about her being out there but her not knowing things

that it seems someone in elementary school should know is defintely weird (maybe you're right and she is out there). She's stated before that she has some type of learning disability but this seems to even be beyond that.

[qnr]

10. I don't think that was directed at your gf, just a statement that "she" is

out there for you, somewhere.

[mac56]

2. To me, the lack of "general knowledge" isn't as telling

as the fact that it's been a very on again/off again, up and down, roller coaster relationship.

I'm about your age, Lindsey, and at this point in life what I want in a relationship is stability. Thunder and lightning ain't that exciting any more. When I find that, any other differences are acceptable.

Good luck -

[Lindsey]

5. VERY good point -

I also want mellow and harmony (stability). The love/hate intensity is very wearing. Thanks!

[Floogeldy]

4. Ideally, your mate should probably be your intellectual equivalent.

A buddy of mine is in a similar situation right now. I don't think the scenario portends a bright future. He is in it for the sex. Your most intimate partner being on a different level, one that might be considered "lower?" I'm not saying it couldn't work, if the intellectualism didn't matter. But it appears that it does matter to you.

Do you want to finish out your life thinking that your partner is "kinda dumb," sort of speak?

I don't know.

:smoke:

[Lindsey]

6. I know...

especially, since it's so important to me given how much into learning I am.

[El Fuego]

7. I don't think you have to inhabit the same intellectual world

My SO and I certainly don't. We have lots of common ground, but the intellectual thing is mine, he works on his cars, but we can go out on the town as a couple and have fun and friends. It works. :shrug:

[Lindsey]

9. That's my dilema!

We normally have a blast going out and BTW - she's absolutely the best lookin' thing I've ever been with. When I look at her, I melt - but I know that's a lust thing.

[mac56]

12. A wise person once advised me:

"Sooner or later, you gotta get out of bed and talk."

[grace0418]

26. The problem is that everyone gets old, wrinkly, etc.

Lust is awesome, and an important part of a relationship. But if you want to be in it for the long haul, you need someone who you can talk to, who makes you laugh, who understands you, who'll be there when things suck. I think about how my husband has put up with my childish, attention-starved mother since she moved into a retirement community near our house. It's not fun, he has no real motivation to visit her (I tell him I'll go by myself), he just does because he's a good person.

[Bouncy Ball]

8. Well Emily Dickinson was an artist.

She just didn't paint pictures.

When I met my husband, I was a junior in college and he was a soldier. He had dropped out of high school to join the Army, then got a GED later. After that, he went to night school to get a high school diploma.

Later he got about two years of college.

But it never bothered me. To me, what was important was intelligence and intellectual curiosity, not knowledge or formal education level, per se. Anyone with a decent amount of intelligence and curiosity can gain knowledge, after all.

Maybe you should go to an art museum together. Read the same book that you are both interested in, start from there. But if you do get back together, just don't make her feel like a project, like she isn't good enough.

Sounds like there is some potential, but this is so personal to you, it's hard to speak in general statements.

[Redstone]

11. If it isn't easy, it isn't right.

Simplistic, but it always worked for me.

When the woman who would later become Mrs R. (we had only known each other for a short while at the time) asked me on the phone, "so, should I leave everything I have in California and come to the East coast to be with you?" my IMMEDIATE answer was "Goto the San Jose airport, and there will be a ticket waiting for you at the American Airlines counter."

We've never looked back since.

Nothing else counts, not intellectual disparity, not anything. If it doesn't feel right, if you have to think about it or work at it, it's not right.

Just my opinion, since you asked.

Redstone

[mac56]

15. I'm glad it worked that way for you.

I find that people do have to work at it, though. It can still be right, yet require some mutual work.

[Redstone]

17. Well, yeah, a bit of work is fine, but agony and doubt

should be real warning signals.

And I wasn't trying to imply that everything has been a day at the beach for Mrs R. and me; we've gone through some damn tough times together. But the operative word is together; the one thing that was never in doubt was that we'd still be together no matter what.

That's what I meant by "easy." Just the part about being together. Everything else can be a nighmare, but if the being together is easy, it's right.

Redstone

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. Ignorance is curable, stupidity is not

Is your gf interested in learning things, or does she have the typical Middle American attitude that intellectual pursuits are automatically "boring"?

For me, that would be the dealbreaker. I don't expect my SO's to know the same things I do (people's backgrounds are so different), but if they're happy being ignorant, we aren't going to get along.

[Merope215]

14. I don't know

To me it sounds like it might be a lack of curiosity rather than a lack of education. The former would bother me a lot - the latter not so much, since it's possible to know lots of things and be a really engaged and interesting person without much formal schooling or general knowledge, as long as you're willing to learn, ya know? But if she has no interest in the world, I certainly couldn't deal with that. It sounds like that might be your situation.

Maybe you should try and take two months apart or something like that, and see how you're feeling about things after you've had some time and distance (and a couple of other dates, too).

Sorry it's not easier to offer good advice to someone I've never met. But whatever you end up doing, I hope it works out well for you. :hi:

[Lindsey]

16. Unfortunately...

I don't think she's interested in intellectual pursuits and she's definitely NOT interested in world events. However, she's got lots of street smarts and she has commons sense (much more so than and ex of mine who has her Masters in Physical Therapy>. Also, she's very deep and an engaging human being. Plus the fact, there's no doubt in my mind that she really, really loves me and that means a lot. I would never, never, never make her feel bad for the education issue. I put it more in the I don't know if we share enough commmon interest arena.

[Lindsey]

18. You're right.. Emily Dickinson was an artist my my girlfriend meant

an artist like vanGogh.

[Merope215]

19. Oh, I see

That sounds different. You can't put a price on love.

It can be tough not to feel like you have that much in common with people, but I think it tends to be more important to share beliefs and ideas than actual activities. Is there something new you two might be able to get into together? If either of you is outdoorsy maybe you could go on hikes or kayak together, or maybe you could take up gardening together, or painting, or looking for new bands in music venues, or trying to find the best restaurant in your area of whatever kind of cuisine you both like. Engaging in a project together might help bring you two closer - it sounds to me like she's really special to you, and maybe it would help if you decide you want to give it another go.

Sorry my advice isn't any better. But I do wish you both the best of luck.

[El Fuego]

20. I have to say, that I've had relationships with highly educated

intellectual men, what would be considered my "type," and I was not happy. Probably because they were so self-centered they were mean.

So, if she makes you happy you should go for it.

A man wouldn't worry so much about the education level of his SO. You shouldn't.

[Lindsey]

21. Good point...

We have discussed what we do have in common and there really are some things. Also, if we explore just a little, I know we could come up with more. It's not about the education level. It's about the lack of general knowledge that's bothering me. However, she's SO willing to learn and she's such a wonderful person. I don't know that I've ever been so torn. Right now I feel so empty that we won't be seeing each other this week -eventhough she's going to her therapist (who has helped her tremendously) to discuss some of the issues. God....this sucks so much....:-(

[Wapsie B]

22. Well the willingness to learn would mean a lot to me.

Some people just close themselves off from the world and seem to only care about what is directly needed for their existence. Intellectual curiosity is very attractive to me.

[Lindsey]

23. ...and she is so willing....

you're right, it means a lot

[El Fuego]

24. Maybe she needs you . . .

to open her eyes to a wider world she's never been exposed to before.

[MissMillie]

25. Loving, kind and spiritual can go along way

Especially if she's fun to be with.

Can you accept that she has different goals for yourself than you have for yourself?

If not, the on again/off again is not likely to end.

[sundog]

27. i think the rules of attraction

are: there are no rules

i have been attracted to people i have no business whatsoever digging... then others who might seem well suited don't do anything for me...

as far as dating & relationships, i think ideally, you need both for a really good connection to work (both physical & spiritual/intellectual)

from the wreckage of my dating disasters i can affirm some of your statements:

i have dated those who i felt physically drawn to, but beyond that there was nothing to even talk about...

on the other hand, i have connected with guys in a conversation, but the physical part just didn't work...

so, like most single people, i am seeking the best of both worlds...

i believe the key to finding an ideal mate exists in personal integration (of the mind & body)... there is a heavy burden in our culture which sharply separates the mind & body... and we carry that with us into relationships... those people who are lucky enough to move beyond that dichotomy probably have the best relationships (but that is just my personal guess)...

anyway, good luck to you... i think you'll know when you find *the one* :)

[tenshi816]

28. Just my two cents here -

and I hope it helps in some small way.

To me it wouldn't matter as much about the level of formal education my partner had as much as whether he (or in your case, she) possessed intellectual curiosity. I've known high school dropouts who were brighter and more interesting than some other people I've known with post-grad degrees, because they were passionate about learning for its own sake rather than because they had to study such-and-such to get a good grade on a course. (God, doesn't it seem like there's always at least one person in every class, no matter what the subject is, who asks the question "is this going to be on the test?" when any sort of spirited discussion starts going on?)

If I were you, which of course I'm not, I personally would worry less about the educational level of your girlfriend than her attitude about learning generally. I never get tired of learning new things, and I tend to surround myself with people who feel the same way.

Your girlfriend sounds as though she has a lot of good qualities. Like you, I feel that "loving, kind and spiritual" are important traits to have. As far as moody and needy are concerned, well, who isn't from time to time? I know I am. Great sex? A no brainer...

But it does sound like the lack of intellectual compatability is bothering you. It would bother me too, in a big red flag kind of way. It's something I have some experience with.

My mother was an extremely attractive woman physically - in a very young Elizabeth Taylor kind of way - and she knew it. Even when I was really young, I could see how men just sort of melted around her although I didn't understand exactly why. The thing was, she wasn't interested in anything except the most superficial. Mom used to brag that she had never read a book in her life and the only things I ever saw her read her entire life were TV Guide and celebrity magazines. After she and my father divorced, Mom went through husbands and boyfriends like she was trying to set a world record for it. What she never understood was that, as fine looking as she was, her husbands and boyfriends lost interest because she had no intellectual interests and nothing much to say.

To give you an idea, when I was about 13/14 and studying the Second World War in school, I discovered that my mother didn't know who Hitler was. Seriously. This made a huge impression on me.

I always had my nose stuck in a book (by choice - books opened the world to me) and still do. I also learned early on, the hard way, that "quirky and smart" worked better for me than any other type romantically, because eventually everyone loses their looks to one degree or another, and I'd rather be with someone I connect with on an intellectual basis (and an off-the-wall sense of humor helps too).

Obviously I can only speak for myself and I hope I haven't offended you in any way. Like I said, just my two cents.

[Lindsey]

29. What great input I'm getting from all of you....

It's really made me look at all the sides which is what I need to do. You didn't offend me AT ALL. Quite the opposite. I also know that I probably do need the physical excitement and the intellectual stimulation. I know that it can exist because I really do know some pretty happy couples AND I've had some great love in my life as well. It was really heartwarming last week (darn if I can remember who it was) but a couple was having the most precious banter here on DU about the Misses wanting to bring home a puppy (or kitty) and the Mr. not being okay with it. Anyhow, I don't know what made me think of it, I just thought it was very sweet and obviously, they have politics in common!

[hippiechick]

30. Best Relationship Advice I've Ever Gotten:

DO NOT ASK FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ON AN INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD.

Talk to people both of you really know.
Talk to each other.
Don't listen to folks you've never met, each of whom has their own baggage, who know nothing about the situation but are more than willing to pretend they do.


Good Luck ! :hug:

[Lindsey]

31. Gosh, it seems like a lot of people here ask for relationship advice

all of the time. Believe me, I have plenty of friends and I intentially asked folks here because they DON'T know us but thanks for the kind (sarcastic) words. :-(

[hippiechick]

32. All I'm sayin' is you're gonna get what you asked for ...

... and unless I'm mistaken, 99% of the folks on DU are NOT lisenced therapists.

I've made the mistake of asking for relationship advice here in the past and anyone and everyone has crawled out of the woodwork and applied their own baggage to my situation.

My post wasn't meant to be sarcastic, but, hey ... take it how you want to. :eyes:

[skygazer]

33. I don't think you're being too picky

There are always things we have to compromise on in a relationship but there are certain things that are important to us. You have an intellectual curiosity and it sounds like you really need someone to share that with. But more than that, you say it's been an up and down roller coaster, that she's moody and needy - those things don't sound like they're all related to a simple difference in intellect. They sound like fundamental differences that are undermining the relationship.

Only you can decide if this can work but it sounds to me like you have some major issues to settle in order for that to happen. Short of couples therapy, I don't know. Personally, I don't need that kind of drama in my life.

[Lindsey]

34. All I'm sayin' is that lots of people ask for relationship advice here..

whether it's regargin a sibling, a parent, or a significant other. In fact, that occures quite frequently. I realize that most people on this board are not licensed therapist (and frankly I DON'T , want a licensed therapist, I want what to hear what the regular folks think) but hey, I was just wanting to know what other people thought - and you know what, I've gotten some really GREAT feed back so it's working for me. Therefore your advice, at least in my case, isn't "good advice." Your advice: "Do not ask for relationship advice on an internet message board" really doesn't work in my case.

[skygazer]

35. ????????????

I can only assume that this wasn't directed at me because I didn't give you that advice. I told you that it didn't sound like you were too picky and that it seemed there were some major fundamental differences between the two of you.