Family having a baby...why do **I** have to buy crap for the kid?

[friesianrider]

Elaborating on eeyore's thread, I too am wondering a few things. My BF's sister is finally knocked up (she got married November 2002 and told EVERYONE how she'd "like to be pregnant by Christmas" of that year). Well, she had trouble conceiving but is now 7 months along. Great - I'm happy for her. But today I get an invitation to her shower and it says she's registered at Babies R Us. So I go online over and look up her registry and COULD. NOT. BELIEVE. MY. EYES.

She LITERALLY had every, single, solitary thing a new Mom could want - everything from the crib to sheets to toys to a diaper Genie to DVDs and books about parenting to a $600 rocker to baby powder to Desitin Creamy to bottles to NEOSPORIN.

I'm like WTF? SHE gets knocked up and the ENTIRE FAMILY is supposed to pay for everything for her (and yes, nearly everything on her list had been bought for her by friends and family). She will literally have NOTHING AT ALL to buy for this kid whatsoever. This is the same girl who had a $95,000 (yes, $95,000) wedding and honeymoon in St. Tropez paid entirely for by her parents, and got nearly $20,000 in cash from relatives for the wedding, plus scores and scores of expensve housewarming and wedding gifts.

Now, as someone who is unsure about ever getting married and/or having kids, I'm really kind of pissed that someone can make a decision of choice like this and actually *ask for and accept* all these gifts! Of course family/friends will buy you stuff - but this is ridiculous. Yes, I am a little jealous, because I think it's just plain wrong to choose to get married/have a baby then expect everyone else to help you pay for 99% of it.

What does one get if they don't get married or have a baby?

[Cleita]

1. Nothing but perhaps another invitation from another relative.

Just get her what you can afford. You won't resent her as much then. She won't get a fraction of what she's looking for and she knows it.

[JVS]

2. One gets the peace of a quiet home

[Balbus]

3. Don't buy nothing, then.

Problem solved. :shrug:

[fortyfeetunder]

4. Call it self absorbed princess syndrome

But karma is gonna set in...
Babies poop and pee.
Babies grow up.
The novelty wears off by the time baby is one anyway. You don't see the abundance of clothes and stuff...

The money has to come in from somewhere...

I'd say get what your conscience will allow you to, even if it's a couple of tubes of Neosporin.

[RPM]

37. I hate Princesses

I wisht teh word and concept would be abandoned.

I will never call my daughter "princess" :puke:

[Scairp]

163. Oh my God!

How unbelievably cynical of you! Look, new moms do register for everything but never expect to actually get everything. They know they won't, so why be an asshole about it? A baby coming is a joyful thing, even though many of you non-parents evidently do not think so, and she wants to share. I shop at Babies R Us all the time and they are not are expensive at all. So, try being just a little bit charitable, put a fucking crowbar in your wallet and buy her a gift, Scrooge! Jaysus!!

[friesianrider]

168. Ah geez...

I LOVE everyone on DU, but some of the parents on here need to chill out and stop being such martyrs. Not EVERYONE who makes an even remotely critical statement about a kid means they're "anti-child" or think that a baby coming isn't a "joyful thing".

[alphafemale]

5. Her including the lower cost items on the list is a goodthing...imho

And the basic stuff like crib sheets...(which can sometimes need to be changed several times a day)...or a pack of diapers.

These are things that will save harried parents an extra chore or a late night store trip.

[xmas74]

6. Buy some children's books instead.

They'll last longer than half the crap she's asking for and will be more useful in the future. And maybe a bargain cd of classical music. I used to play it for my daughter when she was a baby (and she still loves all forms of music five years later).

I had two showers and didn't ask for either. One was a surprise thrown for me at work. The other was thrown by my mother after my daughter was born as a way for the family to be able to see and hold her. I was taught by my great-aunt that registering or "wish lists" were tacky and that no person w/ true class would ever register anywhere. She always said that some people will feel left out, no matter what and that a party is really for the guests, not for just one person. She also said that your goal at a party is to make sure that no one feels left out and that is what gift registers actually do.

I always thought that what she said made alot of sense. And go for the books and cd instead of all the expensive crap. A favorite book for me to read to my child has always been Naughty Bunny. You can find it for under $5 US.

[elehhhhna]

71. "Pinky's First Spring Day" is precious, too.

[Floogeldy]

7. I partially agree

You are not a little jealous.

You are VERY JEALOUS.

[JVS]

14. What do you think Jesus would think of such jealousy?

Did he not say "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give unto your bosom, for with the same measure that ye mete withal, it shall be measured to you again" (Luke 6:38)

:-)

[Floogeldy]

19. Jesus who?

Jesus Guiterrezz in Angel, Texas?

Heck, you'd have to ask him.

B-)

[friesianrider]

20. Umm...

I hope that wasn't a cheap shot at me.

For the record, I did buy her several gifts because I love her, I was just venting about the situation. Sor-ry.

[JVS]

23. Just some ribbing. I agree with you that registries are getting too big

Just give something you'd feel comfortable with. I didn't mean to take a shot at you.
:hug:

[Floogeldy]

25. I'm wondering why you care about this.

Do you want your BF to ask you to marry you so you can have his children? You've been waiting for that to happen. Yet, he hasn't asked you and you are insecure about whether or not that will ever happen in the future.

Hence, your resentment about his sister being married, pregnant, and registering in this way.

How far off am I?

B-)

[friesianrider]

27. Uh...no, you're wrong.

I'm 22 - NOT looking to get married/kids ANYTIME soon, and not even sure if ever...with anyone! :evilgrin:

[Floogeldy]

32. You're smart

B-)

[elehhhhna]

72. ooh we LOVE friesians. Lucky.

[mcar]

140. The registries are ridiculous

I put some things on one at Target when I was expecting my youngest son but I felt really uncomfortable doing it. My friend was having a shower for me and insisted, but I didn't do any big ticket things.

Several people gave me/us gifts they had gotten on their own and they were very precious to me.

I went to a wedding of a colleague a few years ago and went to get her a gift from her bridal registry at a department store. The only thing I could afford was a few of her everday dishes--they were like $25 a piece, for everyday dishes, geez!

[Left Is Write]

143. $25 per plate for every day use?

I'd be afraid to use them for every day!

I still have the Pfaltzgraff stoneware set my mother started for me Christmas of 1986. I've bought some other dishes along the way - melamine summer dishes, fancy Christmas dinner dishes, that sort of thing - but I still rely on my good old Pfaltzgraff.

I have never owned fine china. I think if I did, I would scour flea markets and estate sales for a hodgepodge of varying patterns and have just one or two plates in each style.

[neweurope]

147. Hi friesianrider... do you really have Friesians?

Been wondering since I read that post about your step-father.

--------------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[friesianrider]

149. Yep, do really have Friesians :)

They're the best...don't think I could own another breed...ever! :)

[neweurope]

152. *grins* They're super, but not the best... NO breed is the BEST

when it comes to horses :) They're all so good - the ponies and the draught horses and the Arabs and the Trakehner... each and every breed I like :) even the "Wladimir tractor horse"! How many, and do you do what we in Europe call "classical" riding, or modern dressage, or what? - We have a 21 year old Trakehner, locally famous as an eventer, and a 20 year old Barb-Arab who never got any schooling but is a whiz at cross country and rallyes of all kinds.

----------------------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[ikojo]

170. Well, now you know that on DU one is

NEVER allowed to disagree with the dominant cultural attitude that when it comes to children, EVERYONE is to spare no expense....

Children deserve EVERYTHING they desire for to deny them even the littlest thing will so damage their precious self esteem and they will fall into a life of crime and not become the GENIUS we know EVERY AMERICAN child is.

NEVER EVER say anything that remotely sounds like you don't want to give your entire life's savings to a CHILD...you have learned.

Now go about your business.


:sarcasm: :sarcasm: :sarcasm: :sarcasm: :sarcasm: :sarcasm:

[friesianrider]

18. Not very, but yes...

I am a little jealous. I wish every 90% selfish decision I made in life was rewarded with a showering of tens of thousands of dollars of gifts...who wouldn't? I just don't get the logic behind such things. Hold it against me if you wish, but at least I'm honest. :shrug:

[progmom]

39. and i get really tired of having children being called a selfish decision

x(

[smbolisnch]

49. Really.

I don't even have children yet, but I don't get this attitude. It's so unbelievably rude. :shrug:

[progmom]

54. i had to suck it up and stop being so selfish in order to become a mom

:shrug:

[smbolisnch]

55. And that's why I don't have kids......YET.

I am still being selfish!! :P

[progmom]

60. i'll tell you a secret

(i'm still kinda selfish sometimes too - you don't have to give it up totally!)

[smbolisnch]

91. Good to know!

Everyone deserves to be sometimes! :hi:

[WindRavenX]

56. me too

Buying gifts for kids is a CELEBRATION for the occasion...it's not like she got knocked up JUST to get gifts.
Threads like this are really bumming me out. I don't know if I want kids later in life, but I have 0 problem buying nice gifts for my nieces and nephews because I love them and enjoy celebrating their life :hi:
Having kids is NOT FUCKING SELFISH. GOD ALMIGHTY.

[progmom]

61. you'd be a kick-ass mom

:hi:

[Left Is Write]

81. I don't have a problem buying gifts for my lovely nieces and nephews

either - I love giving them things! But I absolutely understand the frustration with what seems to be extortion coming from some people these days. Face it - there are folks out there with serious entitlement complexes who DO think that others should be responsible for giving them whatever they ask for.

[NashVegas]

108. I Don't Know Much About The Background, But If I Were Going to Guess

I'd wonder if maybe you were from a lower income family (at least lower than your boyfriend) and watching someone get breaks that you'd never had access to and are feeling a little resentful.

[Book Lover]

8. So?

Don't buy anything from the registry. Don't buy anything at all. She may have brass balls for asking, but why don't you get some yourself and refuse to go along?

[Lorien]

9. I think that was a "Sex and the City" episode

Samantha turned it around and threw herself a "I'm NOT having a baby" party, lol! Personally, I buy everyone the same thing; a small stack of books including "pat the bunny', "goodnight moon" etc. (I'm a children's book illustrator, so I'm going to promote such things, of course). If they don't want the books, then don't invite me!

I've got an uncomfortable situation right now; my younger sister(35), just had her *second* unplanned baby by a different boyfriend (the first she gave up for adoption). I haven't seen my sister in 15 years. She only ever calls my father and I if she needs money, otherwise, she blows us off. Now my mother wants my father and I to become involved in her life again to help her with the child.We talked about it, and decided that we just couldn't do it. In a way I wish I could, because the main person who will be raising the boy now is my fundie mom-but our relationship with my sister is just plain toxic. Hell, she didn't even visit my father's parents when they were on their death beds-and they had never been anything but kind and loving to us both. I feel awful for the baby...but I just can't do it!

[friesianrider]

21. Yikes...that's tough.

I think you're making the right decision though. Every family has someone who needs "tough love" sometimes. Sounds like a very sticky situation nonetheless...

[auntAgonist]

10. registries are a good thing sometimes.

out of town relatives and friends can order and have things sent. They are just a guideline and it looks like she included some everyday items. You don't HAVE to get her anything if you don't want to. But she's taken the guess work out of it for you. I don't see it as a bad thing.

I didn't register for wedding or baby. But that's just me.

[grannylib]

11. I agree, the registration thing has gotten totally over the top and is

VERY tacky.

If you like her, and plan on having a relationship with your 'niece/nephew', buy what you feel you can afford OR give her maybe a GC for a night or two of babysitting (if you're up for that sort of thing). Or wait until baby comes, then bring over a pan of lasagna or something, to save her having to cook/eat endless pizza while getting acclimated to her new sleepless life.

My fave suggestion yet: if you happen to be bi-lingual, give the kid the gift of speaking to her/him only in the language-other-than-English that you speak.

DON'T overextend yourself, or otherwise spend in a way you know you will regret later...sure-fire way to really undermine what may be a good relationship. And whatever kind of person she may be, please give the munchkin the benefit of the doubt, at least until you know whether it's a carbon copy of her or not...

[friesianrider]

24. Good advice, granny :)

I like the lasagna thing!

You're right and share my thoughts on the registry. The last time I went to a baby shower you got some kids books for the baby and some toys or clever gadgets. I was just so shocked that Moms-to-be can apparently plan on having every little thing bought and paid for by family and friends!

And I do care for her, even though she is very spoiled - so I'll make my choice and buy her what I can afford.

[progmom]

46. It's funny, because I didn't plan on it...I was shocked that people bought

large gifts. :shrug:

[Left Is Write]

80. Do you remember when...

a baby shower was a small affair attended by close friends and close relatives who brought small gifts like sleepers, booties, diapers, bottles, and receiving blankets? You played a few silly games, had cake and punch, and that was it.

It seems like everything has to be a big production these days!

[LiberalAndProud]

12. One who doesn't have wedding or baby showers

needs to have a house-warming party.

I didn't have $95,000 when I had my first baby. I did end up with a $10,000 hospital bill and no insurance. 26 years ago that was a TOUGH way to start parenthood.

For people of limited means, the gift-giving parties are VERY welcome.

So I'm sorry she's well-set-up without your help. Sometimes that happens.

[enigmatic]

13. Get what you can afford...

And don't apologize; baby showers are gift grabs for a good chunk of people, and we avoid them like the plague..

[Kenneth ken]

15. well

if nearly everything on her list has been bought, it's a good thing she put as much on it as she did, isn't it? Else she would have ended up with duplicate things of which only one is needed, like cribs.

Yes, there is societal pressure to buy and give gifts when people have baby showers, but it also seems to me she has lots of friends and family who are comfortable with the idea of giving her these gifts.

Raising a child is expensive, and I'm sure not everything the child will ever need from birth until she/he moves out as an adult will be provided by friends and family.

Give what you are comfortable giving, and if that is nothing, then give nothing. Jealousy is not an admirable character trait.

:hi:

[friesianrider]

26. LOL, yes, but...

I found out tonight the majority of the gifts had been bought by the Mom-to-be's parents...again :) Considering this girl did not move out of her parent's home until she was 28 years old and it was 6 days before her wedding, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised at what's going on. I guess I was just in shock that this seems to be the "norm" in baby/wedding/engagement showers.

[Kenneth ken]

29. oh, you didn't say that

dump your BF and hustle the Mom-to-be's Dad, I guess would be a good option. :7

[progmom]

40. .

:spray:

[Rhiannon12866]

16. I agree. I've been invited to the shower of a total stranger,

Never mind that she's a pregnant teen-ager. I'm sure not going to go.:crazy:

[progmom]

41. that's an odd situation

[Rhiannon12866]

144. It sure is. And I can't support it.

:-(

[DemBones DemBones]

17. OK, your BF has rich parents -- marry him and you can cash in, too!

I'll bet HE got some nifty graduation gifts and the like.


You remind me of a famous conversation between Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald (who was also jealous of rich people.)

Fitzgerald said "The rich are different from us. . ."

And Hemingway said "Yes, they have more money."


He could have added "And they spend more money on gifts."

[friesianrider]

28. LOL...

Yes, he got a brand new CAR for graduation!

I just had no idea gift-giving was this extreme nowadays...but I can consider myself enlightened now I guess! :hi:

[John Q. Citizen]

22. Gifts are given freely because the giver wants to give. Don't give if

you don't want to. Or give what you want if you want to.

Simple and real.

Are you jealous that she's married, jealous that she's having a baby, or jealous that others give her gifts?

You could always cast a spell so her baby will prick her/his finger on a sewing machine when she's/he's 16 and dies.

Sorry to be so harsh but who cares what she gets? Why does it bug you so much that you post here about it? There's more to this than you are willing to post, IMHO.

What do you need that you aren't getting?

[friesianrider]

31. Honestly...nothing.

There's no alterior motives or thoughts...I was just floored that this seems to be the "norm" in baby showers nowadays. I'm only 22 so am not jealous of the wedding or the baby or anything...I'm truly, truly very happy for her. I just think she feels a sense of entitlement to gifts for every life choice she makes - and expects her friends and family to pick up the majority of the cost and burden of it. What I'm jealous about is that she chooses two mostly selfish actions, and gets rewarded with heaps of gifts. I'm jealous that if I choose to not get married or have kids, no one will reward my life choices with gifts for a "not getting married" shower.

[BeTheChange]

34. Maybe Im a spoiled brat then...

I registered for our wedding.. infact, egads.. I had a honeymoon registry for cold hard cash since we already had most of the things we needed for our home. Weddings are expensive and it was nice to be able to recoup some of that cost, since honestly.. if it was up to me, we would have had a destination wedding with our nearest and dearest in St. John. I also will register when we have children as well as when we buy a house.

Im sick of crap. You know, those ugly vases you get for christmas, or the candles that dont really burn... Id rather people just share with me their presence or something nonmaterial. But the fact is, most people dont know how to do that anymore. So they buy you something. Id much rather them buy me something I like/need, then something Im going to have to take to the salvation army. When we have our housewarming party, I dont want 30 bottles of wine.. we dont drink. Again, Id rather just have people's presence.. but people buy you stuff. That is just how it is in our group.

My Hubby's cousin reminds me of your cousin.. he's immensely privledged, his father just bought him a 350k house and now his 21 year old gf is knocked up so they will be having a family, a house Id gnaw off my left leg for and they will surely be comfortable. I used to be jealous of him.. but purse strings yeild real strings and his life isnt that peachy when you get down to the root of it.

Im sure you would have a fit if I showed you my registry when I had a baby shower.. My mom has 12 siblings, my dad has 7... the inlaws have 10 between them. Then we have cousins, friends.. coworkers, etc. If I dont have a large registry, everyone will get me a thousand bottles, 20 million 1-3 month outfits because who can resist those cute little baby clothes?, etc.

You arent obligated to buy anything.. but maybe there are reasons she has such a large registry besides being a greedy primadonna.

[John Q. Citizen]

35. You could invite her to your "unbirthday party."

And remember, wealth does not equal happiness. There is no norm, in baby showers or in life in general.

Just a whole bunch of people trying to make it through the night.

And how is it fair that you and I aren't expected to live on a dollar or two a day or less, like the vast majority of humans on our planet?

It's not fair, plain and simple.

Get her something you think her baby will enjoy and have a ball at the shower.

What else is there to do?

[LibDemAlways]

30. Wish her well and give her a

modest gift certificate to Babies R Us so she can get whatever she needs later. With a newborn, that may well just be diapers. Enjoy your freedom. She's about to lose hers....and I say that as a mom who loves parenthood.

[madeline_con]

33. $95,000 wedding, St. Tropez

well, that's her in a nutshell, then. She expects everything, because she's had nothing less, EVER.

Get her one tube of neosporin and a card.

[progmom]

43. my parents paid for my wedding

I didn't know that was so unusual.


If we had been extraordinarily wealthy, it might have been cool to do it in St Tropez. Why does this make someone a bad person?

[madeline_con]

169. She just might be

a tiny bit spoiled. My parents paid for mine,too. But EGADS! $95,000?

They coulda bought a yacht!

[roguevalley]

36. go cheap and get the best gift: A big bag of newborn diapers.

you wouldn't believe the kudoes you will get.

[Bridget Burke]

38. "Registering" for all occasions is fairly new.

Traditionally, a bride registered her china, silver & crystal patterns. A delicate young flower leaving her parents' home for the first time needed to set up her household. And sensible quantities of these expensive items are more useful--otherwise, she could end up with 100 teaspoons and no teacups. Relatives who didn't know the couple well got ideas for gifts. But buying off the registry was always quite proper.

Wedding & baby showers were all-girl parties--with amusing, relatively inexpensive gifts. A few years ago, I went to a "coed" wedding/baby shower for a couple of friends who were marrying to deal with an unexpected pregnancy. They got monetary gifts--because we all knew that was what they needed. No "registration"!

Now, brides tend to plan weddings they can't afford--& expect to be reimbursed with gifts. Since many have been living on their own for years--& shacked up for years--they aren't exactly starting out in life.

I think a lot of this is tacky. Get the kid something nice--ignore the registry if you like. (One year I brought some small, useful thing of the "list." And some baby-sized Houston Rockets socks--back when the Rockets were winning championships. The socks were a great success!)

[sniffa]

42. so, can i go ahead and not get you a birthday gift?

i'm sick of seLfish peopLe ceLebrating birthdays.

[progmom]

44. You don't have to buy a thing.

The registry is there simply as a a shopping guide, so BF's sister doesn't get 35 mobiles or silly things like wipe warmers. When someone throws a baby shower for you, people expect you to register. In fact, I was told I was tacky for only registering at one place.

[melv]

47. people always do that

they register for EVERYTHING. Try not to think of it as selfishness (I know it's hard after a 95,000 wedding - holy crap!). But, by registering for a variety of things, they provide a price range that fits into all budgets. Of course, the registry is always a jumping off point. Half the guests at my children's showers got something not even on the registry. Often it was something more personal and more cherished in the end.

Diapers will always be a good gift. Trust me, the shower isn't going to pay for 95% of everything the baby needs. It's closer to 1%!

[July]

57. Tacky?! Wow!

I really don't understand that.

[progmom]

59. I was told you are expected to register at more than one store.

Just in case the one store you were thinking of registering at isn't convenient for the gift-purchaser.

[BeTheChange]

74. Indeed...

gotta love "etiquette".

[Left Is Write]

116. Etiquette does not demand that people give a list

of acceptable gifts from acceptable stores. That is a cultural practice but it's certainly not an etiquette mandate.

[Left Is Write]

83. I don't like registering at all.

I'd be damned if I'd be told to do it several times!

I did not register for my wedding, and I only registered (for just a few things) when pregnant in 1999 under extreme duress. I did not register for either of my other two pregnancies.

[LisaL]

45. Just buy her neosporin. LOL.

[tanyev]

48. I buy the same thing for every baby shower I get invited to.

A case of diapers. The baby doesn't care what it's room looks like. Every adorable little outfit is going to have spit-up, poo, or pee on it in very short order. They can only play with one toy at a time.

Most Americans have so much more "stuff" than they need, and this is where it starts.

[SCDem]

50. That is a very good gift

I didn't have to buy diapers for my son for the first three months of his life (when he used the most!). Diapers are such a great gift. After I had my son I said the best gifts I got and to give are diapers and the diaper genie (but you only need one of those).

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

51. You are luckier than she is, but you don't know it yet

I read this book called "The Millionaire Next Door" some years back and it changed my thinking on money and values. It talked about families with money and how some kids turn out to be spoiled and greedy and have high expectations. They are miserable for life because they can never be satisfied and don't know if they can make it on their own. This has always been the case if you look at the children of the rich going back in the last century or so.

But some of the kids end up being independent and figure out how to make their own way. They end up happy and are free of the strings that the free money is really tied to.

Also you are independent enough to question whether you really want marriage or children or not. I have observed over and over that the people I know who just HAD to get married ended up divorced half the time or more, while people who didn't even want to get married ended up with happy marriages. I never wanted to marry and my husband didn't care either if he did, but we met in our late twenties, fell in love despite ourselves and have been happy ever since.

Add on edit: I think the reason for this is that people who think they have to get married are depending on another person to provide their happiness. You will probably be happy if you stay single OR get married because you are depending on yourself to be happy.

[Misunderestimator]

52. I feel the same way about weddings...

Why on earth should I buy you stuff just because you got MARRIED?

(which, of course, I'm not even allowed to do.)

And... ANYONE who would let their parents pay for a wedding like that... not someone I would want to meet.

[progmom]

58. it's one of those silly cultural things

i'm not sure why we do that. but it's one of the reasons i hate going to weddings. :D



on edit - if you and NSMA had a commitment ceremony, i'd be there in a heartbeat with gifts in tow.

[Misunderestimator]

64. You sweetheart you!

:loveya:

(I'll be sure to let you know where we register...)

[Midlodemocrat]

53. I don't think people who are getting married or having a baby

'expect' people to buy everything for them. When I got married, my friends had a shower for me and we only invited people who were going to attend the wedding. When I registered, I selected gifts in every price range to accomodate everyone I invited.

[Rabrrrrrr]

62. "Look!! I fucked!! Buy me presents!!!!"

:puke:

Fuck baby showers. Selfish greedy shrew.

GARGH!!!!

i wouldn't get her anything. Send a card of congratulations.

[Misunderestimator]

65. ....

:spray: :rofl:

[MsAnthropy]

63. I'm with you! We single/childless people get screwed

The only option is to move and have a housewarming party and send them a list of stuff you need.

[LynneSin]

66. I think these the people who run these registries are the biggest scammers

This past weekend I helped my mom pick out a bridal shower gift for a neighbor kid getting married. My mother was stunned by the list and the stuff that was on there. She ended up getting the $25 Muffin pan from one of those Bed/Bath places. We're still in shocked that anyone needs a $25 muffin pan but that was how much my mother wanted to spend for the shower and there was slim pickins on the $20-30 price range.

But seriously $25 for a Muffin pan? Hell, when I moved about 5 years ago I bought for $12 a set of baking pans (teflon coated) that I still have and are all still in excellent shape. And yet for some bizarre reason this girl felt that the muffin pan that she wanted was a high-end $25 one which personally was no different than the one I got with my $12 set.

But my mother and I got into a discussion and we conclude that it probably wasn't this girl that wanted such an expensive muffin pan but these people who run the registry who's entire goal is to get as much stuff on the registry and preferably the more expensive stuff to boot. There was so much overpriced stuff on this list and to be honest, it's not like this girl came from a wealthy home where her parents had $35 Salt/Pepper shakers on the table or $85 toasters.

I've never been registered for anything since I've neither been married nor had a child. BUt I can imagine what a gal goes through when she walks into one of these stores and registers because there is a consultant there who has been trained to push as much expensive stuff on the list possible and the consultant is justifying this to the bride/mother-to-be that it's her 'special day' and 'they deserve the very best' Registry Consultants are about half a step above a used car salesperson since their sole purpose is to push overpriced junk.

My mother felt conflicted buying a muffin pan that she felt was not only overpriced but didn't really think was something that the girl really wanted (I assured mom it was on the registry and if the bride decided she didn't want it she could always return it). But my mother has also decided that in future weddings she's just giving cash. She was absolutely repulsed at this whole experience. I don't blame her

[Misunderestimator]

67. I completely agree with you.... it's a scam...

Along with all the other businesses that prey on women (and their families, and their relatives and friends) who want the best for their "special day."

[Rabrrrrrr]

68. I can't wait for the fucking funeral registry scam to start

why do women buy into this bullshit?

[progmom]

69. ahem

everyone does. not just women. it's all bullshit. valentine's day? bullshit.

[ucmike]

70. i'm tired of showers and parties and other's family events

my girlfriends cousin spent $75k on fertility treatments so she could have a baby. then hired a day nurse and a night nurse-and a nanny (the baby is healthy). she is never alone with the kid and still calls and tells lauren how hard it is...WTF?!?!? she has full time child care in her luxury home and still calls to complain about the work load?????

gf's other cousin is getting married in august, in the hamptons. thanks, for the 5 hour drive and the $300/night hotel. you don't live in the hamptons, you don't vacation in the hamptons, you have no real ties to the hamptons, why are you making your wedding guests go to the hamptons? the bride-to-be has had three showers so far, 4 if you count the recent house warming and we still get a list of registries where we can buy a gift.

my best friend and his wife just had their third kid, and made a big deal about naming the kid after me (i was their best man). hmmm, i have the same name as my friends dad, his brother, two of his cousins and his uncle. did i mention that the name is the middle name. thanks for the great honor.

they scheduled the baptism for last weekend, but we had fathers day plans, so we had to decline. keep in mind that we are not even a little bit religous, and that the only times i've been to church in the last 5 years is for their first two baptisms. honestly, we were relieved to miss this baptism-we don't like church, we don't like most of the guests (christian knuckleheads and bush supporters), and we really don't care about the superstitions of baptism. so what happened? they rescheduled the baptism so we can attend. thanks for nothing.

[Dukkha]

73. It's the weddings that are pissing me off

Not just the registry but if you're in the wedding party you are expected to pay through the nose for all the shit you need, like tuxedos, limo rentals, separate gifts for the bride/groom AND wedding party. I just went through this for my younger brother last year and three friends in the past two years and now I must do it again soon for my older brother's THIRD wedding! They act like they're giving you some big privilege by putting you through this too. The logic they use is it will eventually come back to you. Since I can't get a GF to save my life that is highly unlikely.

[Rabrrrrrr]

75. People who make bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their clothes

are selfish fucks. Selfish fucking vainglorious asshole diva fucks.

Plain and simple.

If you want them in your wedding, let them wear a suit and/or nice dress; or if you have friends who have tuxes, go with it.

Forcing people to spend $75 for a rental, and/or $300 for an ugly fucking tacky piece of shit dress REEKS - let me say that again, FUCKING REEKS - of self-centered, spoiled child divaness.

Fuck that.

if they're your friends, which supposedly they are, TREAT THEM LIKE FRIENDS.

Are you having a wedding, or a GODDAMNED PHOTO SHOOT?!

Or you getting married to the person you love, or are you OUTDOING ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO IMPRESS THEM WITH YOUR PHOTO SHOOT FUCKING WEDDING BECAUSE YOU'RE A SHALLOW FUCK?

Make a decision one way or the other.

[SOteric]

82. Heh. Divaness. I think

the word you're looking for is "Bridezilla."

[Rabrrrrrr]

85. Yes! Bridezilla!

:argh:

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :grr: :grr: :grr: :grr: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

[Sugar Smack]

105. An impending wedding of an ex-friend was what ended

our friendship.

Another friend and I had had enough of her yanking out the Bride magazine every chance she got. "Gina" was insufferable because she started planning her wedding a year before the actual fact. A year of her descriptions of details that would never have mattered less. What was the centerpiece going to look like, what the veil would look like. The dress, always the dress, the diet so she'd fit into the dress, what if something "goes wrong" with the dress.

You think that's maddening enough? She'd CHANGE HER MIND about these details, and then bring it up in conversation. This guest is no longer invited, this guest will replace this other guest. "Y'all, I've decided to use the taupe linen for the invitations instead of the oyster gray matte. Do you guys think I may be making a mistake?"

Not so much as a casual "How ya doin"? for a year. She got married, I'm assuming, but we'd dumped her before then.

[Sugar Smack]

109. I'm having a toga wedding myself, when and if.

[Dukkha]

101. You said it!

People should just be grateful that you took the time to show up and participate. Especially out of towners! Chris Rock once said June is the only month out of the year with perfect weather and you're expected to give up one of those weekends agonizing though a wedding ceremony & reception.

[BeTheChange]

76. That is horrible..

We paid for our attendants attire and got them a small gift. There were no limos.. our attendants didnt give each other gifts.. I thought that was the norm.

Weddings are expensive! 2 of our attendants flew in for the wedding, no small expense in itself. I just cant imagine making them stretch to participate in my wedding :)

Luckily, the brides and grooms whose weddings Ive been a part of felt the same.

[undeterred]

77. As a single woman without kids I've never been on the receiving end

of a shower. And I'll tell you, I never minded until I went through hard times the last few years- 20 months of unemployment- and no one in my family helped me at all.

I could use a kitchen shower, my stuff is more than 20 years old. But I can't imagine anyone throwing me a shower and I'd never throw myself one. It would be nice if people thought single people's lives were worth celebrating once in a while, or worth helping out, but I rarely see that happen.

So, in answer to your question, If you don't get married and have a baby, you get whatever you get yourself.

[NoSheep]

137. I agree completely. I too have suffered through hard financial times

with NO help from my family. I'm 42, unmarried, no kids. I resent having to buy presents for my 7 nieces and nephews for Christmas, graduation, etc when their parents are MUCH more well off than I. Now they are starting to marry and reproduce and it's the wedding gift and baby shower thing. I barely know them!!! I like giving presents to my friends and their kids because they are a part of my life and don't expect a thing. If I get a gift from my sister for Xmas, it's from her and her family, but I have to get 6 presents for them! I swear I'm not selfish, but the situation is inequitable.

[Piperay]

159. I agree

I couldn't count the number of weddings and baby showers I have been too and brought gifts for others but no one ever gives me anything not even for a birthday.

I finally decided I had given enough and I quit going and finally they got the hint and quit inviting me.

[liontamer]

78. because you love the parents and you expect to love the kid too

if you don't, then you don't really have to get anything. I think the gift registry is a good idea as a guideline. If you want to get something else, I'm sure the gift would be appreciated. If you don't want to get anything, I'm sure it would be acceptable, but it leads the parents to suspect that you either don't love them, or don't plan to love their kid.

And as to what does one get if they don't get married or have a baby:

Birthday presents!!!:party: Graduation Gifts:party:new job dinners :party:

I'm sure the people in your life find many ways to celebrate your achievements.

[redqueen]

Awwww... what a great post.

:hi:

[Left Is Write]

79. My mother-in-law INSISTED that I register for gifts

when I became pregnant in 1999. I did not want to register. I do NOT like to ask people to give me things (and I had refused to register when we got married). After being pestered about it for weeks, I finally gave in and placed a few small things on a registry and never said another word about it.

She also wanted to throw me a shower. In my book, that's something done by a friend if she wants to. I don't think family should be throwing each other showers.

Also on the subject of showers: the guests at a shower should only be friends and close relatives. I've received invitations to showers of distant relatives I see only once every five or six years!

[SmokingJacket]

84. I agree; it's gross.

Why does a baby need all new stuff? It doesn't. Babies grow out of things before they're barely puked on. I was awash in hand-me-downs with both my kids -- still am. And I borrowed stuff like a wind-up swing that I only used for a few months, then gave back.

And people will give plenty of gifts without you demanding them -- let them choose what they want to give you.

Say no to shopping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[purr]

100. Same thing with newborn diapers..

My 2 were born at 5 lbs and even at that size I went through MAYBE 2 packs of the newborns.

I gave a family friend my baby stuff and I got it back PLUS her stuff for when I deliver. Sooo nice not having to buy everything.

[sandnsea]

86. Nominated for most selfish thread EVER

All I can say is, WOW, who ARE you people??? With attitudes like these, you ought to be grateful anybody even wants you at a shower or in a wedding. Blech.

[progmom]

88. you people?

now everyone who posted in this thread is going to think you're talking about them...

[sandnsea]

94. Oh well

Somebody had to say it. What kind of people resent giving a baby gift for chrissake.

[Left Is Write]

This isn't about resenting giving a baby gift.

It's about the increasing sense of entitlement some people have regarding others giving them gifts.

[sandnsea]

126. That's a resentment

Just because somebody signs up on a registry, it does not mean they have any sense of entitlement about gifts. This whole thread is stupid, as far as I'm concerned. If you don't want to celebrate a joyous occasion, don't go to the celebration. If you don't want to give a gift, don't. But don't judge other people for celebrating their lives just because you'd rather sit in the basement and doom and gloom everything and everybody, and that's all this thread is.

[Left Is Write]

138. No one says they don't want to celebrate.

And no, not everyone who registers has a sense of entitlement. But if you think there isn't a rampant sense of entitlement out there among many people, you are mistaken. We live in a consumerist culture, and there is plenty of "gimme, gimme, gimme" out there. When gift giving becomes an obligation, it's no longer a gift, is it?

I love giving gifts. And it's certainly nice to receive a gift also. I just draw the line at telling people when, how, and what to give me.

[friesianrider]

128. Exactly, well put nt

[ProfessorGAC]

131. Maybe The Kind Who Resent Being EXPECTED To Give The Gift

It's not really giving if it's expected and if one would be made to feel small for not giving. That would be an obligation, would it not?
The Professor

[BeTheChange]

167. Heh...

My fellow DUers constantly surprise me.

[Bridget Burke]

93. I'm not against celebrations & gifts.

Most of us aren't.

But "Reistering" for every event in one's life has gotten out of hand. And spending too much on a wedding, hoping you can be reimbursed with expensive gifts, is both selfish & tacky.

[sandnsea]

97. Very presumptuous

I really don't know where people get these ideas. People do what they can afford, whether it's paying for the wedding or paying for the gift. Or giving a graduation gift or baby shower gift. Online registries are actually helpful to family living far apart and let them be more a part of the event, but I suppose that didn't occur to anybody. I still find it incredibly selfish to resent giving a gift and I suspect the people in this thread who gripe about registries would have griped about the gift even if there weren't registries. They're just selfish asses, that's all.

[Bridget Burke]

123. Glad to hear the voice of generosity & tradition speak up.

Calling everyone here presumptuous, selfish asses. Just because you suspect it!

[sandnsea]

127. Not really

But I'm not going to piss all over somebody else just because they enjoy celebrations and gift giving. And there isn't anything to "suspect" in this thread, it's laid out quite clearly.

[friesianrider]

129. How am *I* the selfish one?

I've bought this girl an engagement gift (by the way, she had TWO engagement parties, one for family one for friends), a wedding shower gift, a wedding gift, a housewarming gift, and now will buy her a baby gift, too.

I love her very much and don't mind buying her things to celebrate - that's not the issue. The issue is the amount of crap some people literally expect for every little life choice they make. I can afford to buy her these things so I do. But I think it is tacky to have a $10,000 "shower" registry for every little change in your life. If that's selfish of me then I guess I'm it. I just know that when *I* do things like that (if I ever do) I will make it clear I don't expect extravagant gifts from anybody. It's grown-up time now when someone does any of the aforementioned things...not "Mommy and Daddy buy me a this and a that for me and my new husband" time.

[Love Bug]

87. Speaking of registeries

When some friends of mine got married a few years ago they put goofy stuff on their registry list at Target like a toilet seat and cheetos. They had everything they needed already but because of the pressure by relatives to "get registered" they intentionally registered for strange things. They got a lot of weird stuff but we all had fun watching them open those packages at the reception!

[progmom]

90. were we at the same wedding?

i think many of us gen-x-ers did the same thing. ;)

[ucmike]

89. Wedding costs exploded after Di/Charles

i saw an expose on the "wedding industry" in america. the point of the piece was that the typical american wedding was usually a nice, but modest, celebration involving close friends and family prior to princess di and charles getting married on live tv. of course there were extravagant affairs befor that, but the average wedding didn't bankrupt anyone.
since the royal wedding there has been an explosion in magazines, stores, wedding planning guides, and wedding consultants. prior to di's wedding there were virtually no wedding services beyond the basics. since then it has become an industry where "traditions" are created to push merchandise and increase spending. the boom in registries and such is just a symptom of the merchandising of what was a simple ceremony not too long ago. the industry raised the stakes and makes it seem that brides (especially) are deserving these extravagant celebrations-they are princesses and should treated as such.

one of the things they discussed was the "tradition" of spending X months salary on the engagement ring. this "timeless" tradition was actually a marketing campaign by debeers. if you notice, the number of months salary mentioned in the old "tradition" has crept up since it first started.

i'm aggravated whenever i hear couples discussing how much they should spend on the wedding. the thinking is that guests should give a gift at least proportionate to the per person cost of the wedding ($20,000 wedding/100 guests=$200 gifts or cash per guest). of course, any guest worth inviting will contribute more. the end result being that by having a more expensive and glamourous wedding the newly weds will reap a harvest of cash and expensive gifts. i've actually heard couples saying that they intend to make a huge profit off the wedding based on what they're own family typically gives at a wedding. i've also heard parents and couples making invitations based on potential cash gifts. ("invite mr. jones from across the street, he's loaded and won't shop for a gift, so you'll get a check from him") or even better, "invite our old neighbor who moved to florida, she won't come, but she'll send a gift".

the wedding industry is like the funeral industry. they play on the guilt of people emotionally caught up in the situation by making people feel that they are short changing their loved ones by not spending a fortune.

[Rabrrrrrr]

92. You nailed that one right on the fuckin' head!

[fishnfla]

95. The Democratic Party: increasingly anti-child and anti-family?

Young married parents make up 28% of the voting electorate.
1992-Clinton narrowly lost this demographic group
1996-Clinton narrowly won this group
2000-Bush* wins it by 15%
2004-Bush* wins it by 19%

(source: Blueprint magazine)

Its painfully obvious that in threads like this, and eeyore's, and all the others, that the democratic village does not welcome children.

Guess what folks? They are moving to the Repug village, even though the chief there is a chimp and it costs more.

The same thing is happening in the religion demographics too.

DU represents these trends every day. Keep it up folks, and we will forever be in the minority. Because these children that y'all dont welcome will one day vote too

[Rabrrrrrr]

102. Whew! Sure took a long time for the "this discussion has nothing to do

with children so I'm going to turn into a very deliberate and obvious attack on children" people to come out of the woodwork in this thread.

:eyes:

[fishnfla]

104. Its a trend

The OP mentioned eeyore's thread, which was an attack on working parents. There are countless other DU anti- kid threads

Can you explain to me why and how the voting trends, you know, the facts, back this trend up?

[CornField]

107. I think you are wasting your time

There is a certain percentage of folks here on DU who don't understand how much of the voting block families represent -- nor how much that percentage is getting brushed off by the party.

As a former republican, I heard the democratic stereotypes repeated time and time again. (i.e., Dems care more about animals than they do for humans.) I can now see how and why such stereotypes began and why they flourish -- to the detriment of the dems.

On a personal note, I've questioned my move to the Dem Party after reading some of the opinions expressed here. I know I cannot and will not return to the republican party, but if the sentiments expressed here in relation to families and children are the overall sentiments of the party... well, I don't want to be a part of it if that is the case. If DU wasn't such an excellent source of news, I would have let the door smack my ass on the way out several months ago.

[friesianrider]

141. Oh please.

Somewhere, the world's tiniest violin is playing for you who think everyone who says even the most REMOTELY critical thing about parents or kids is "anti-kid". You people who do this crap remind me of the pro-lifers who call anyone who supports freedom of choice "anti-child" and "anti-family" :eyes:

Give me a fucking break. Eeyore's thread didn't attack working parents any more than mine attacked parents in general. PLEASE get over yourself.

:nopity:

[Bridget Burke]

112. Most of us welcome children.

But the spoiled offspring of people who expect expensive presents--self selected--are probably not going to be Democrats, anyway.

And some of us lifelong Democrats don't really need (supposedly) former Republicans telling us how to behave.

[margaritamama]

118. You were born a democrat

Wonder what type of baby shower gifts you got? :shrug:

[Bridget Burke]

120. Born into a Democratic family.....

And I never voted Republican in my life.

I don't know whether there was a baby shower, but old photos show a rather modest apartment. No living parents to query....

[fishnfla]

145. Will you believe former Democrats then?

see post 95. The parents of young children are abondoning our party-a 20 point shift in a huge voting block, and they do vote.

The Clintons understood this. Remember "It Takes a Village"?, Hillary won over NY voters campaigning on child mental health issues as well.

It seems to me that the rearing of children and family issues should be the most easy of progressive Democratic thought.

[Rabrrrrrr]

164. And I'm sure it's totally related to the fact that people question

the "give me gifts" mentality of current America.

Jesus Christ, get off the high horse. This thread isn't about hating kids. It's about pointing out selfish behavior of adults.

Try to figure out the difference.

[friesianrider]

132. How does complaining about...

The expectation of gifts at every week in one's life, become "anti-kid"? The fact that someone THINKS that's what it means is truly Republican.

Spare me.

[Catherine Vincent]

96. I hear ya.

Baby showers can be a problem at work. We have over 25 in our dept. And most of them are at the age where they want to start a family. The way it used to work is the head assistant would arrange the baby showers but when you have several people getting pregnant, it can be a bit much. We just take up a collection from everyone and have a cake to present one big gift or gift check. That way no one gets more than the other. A co-worker of mine (from another dept.) got pregnant twice and expected a big shower for each. Her dept. gave her a big one for the first child. When I found out she was pregnant with the second, I told her to not expect another baby shower. She said they better give her a baby shower. I had to explain to my dear friend that they usually only do that for the first child. After that you're on your own. What if you want to have five or six kids, do you expect a big shower for all of them? She agreed.

[purr]

98. I agree...

My family doesnt believe in baby showers - they consider it a bad luck thing.. We have christening parties after we get the baby baptized everyone comes to celebrate, and if they bring a present then they do. Usually they bring a card (that goes into a college account) or a present but I never ASK them to.

I'm working on my 3rd now and I'll throw a christening party for him... but I dont NEED anything. By your 2nd and up child, you HAVE everything already.. that is, if you're smart enough to store it if you want kids later in life.

[Bridget Burke]

125. That suggests a new way to celebrate marriage.

Have simple weddings & receptions.

Then, throw a bigger party for every anniversary. There are even lists indicating the "proper" gift for each year.

www.findgift.com/Anniversary-Table/

[Left Is Write]

139. I thought the anniversary gift by year listings

were so the couple could celebrate "traditionally" if they so chose.

I have never bought an anniversary gift for anyone other than my husband and my parents.

[Pool Hall Ace]

151. I hear ya, there.

One mom at work was given a shower for both of her pregnancies, which surprised me, because I always though showers were for the first pregnancy only. The expectant mom's assistant told me she didn't really want to throw a shower for the 2nd baby, but she was pressured by the big boss.

I donated for the first shower, but not the second. It had nothing to do with how I felt about the mother, or the babies. The mom and her husband both made enormous salaries, plus they were having their second girl. And I need to budget for other employee's showers, school and company fundraisers, etc.

What really used to irk me was that the high-dollar office-dwellers, who had great stock options, salaries, and incentive bonuses, were the least likely to donate for a wedding or baby shower. Of course they had multi-million dollar custom homes, vacation cottages, private jets, and pricey imported sedans.

Hmmmm . . . I wonder if they are more likely to vote Republican, too.

[CornField]

99. I'm concerned...

Are you a member of the party that believes "it takes a village"?

Are you insinuating that this couple, by putting forth a suggested gift list, is somehow asking friends and famiily to put forth all the money and items required to raise a child?

Pfffft

I have no doubt they'll get a rocker, a crib, diapers and a dirty diaper disposal unit. I also have no doubt that that is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to expenses related to children. To say that they are expecting everyone else to pay for 99% of it is simply untrue and ignorant.

If you firmly believe that you do not want to marry and/or have children, but feel you are missing out on the gifts, why not throw yourself a party? Seriously. Sign up on a gift registry and send invitations to all your family and friends for a big non-party. (One of the most successful fundraisers I ever ran was a non-party.)

The note goes something like this:

----- I'm thrilled that I won't have to purchase an ugly bridesmaid gown and appear in your wedding. Please accept my gift of $50.

----- I'm thankful I won't have give up a weekend to travel to your wedding and/or baby shower. Please accept my gift of $100.

----- I'm overjoyed I won't have to travel, buy a gift or give up a weekend to your wedding and/or baby shower. Please accept my gift of $250.

Well, you get the idea. In the interim, buy a small wicker laundry basket and fill it with diapers, wipes, soap, a cute baby outfit, powder and so-forth. Don't let yourself become so callous that you refuse to celebrate life.

[Mrs_Beastman]

103. I can't believe your family would invite you and expect

you to bring something. geesh. Get her the neosporin and a card to solve your dilemma.

[El Fuego]

106. I wouldn't fault her so much, that's just the way gift registries work

Every single time I've seen a wedding registry, the bride is practically asking for the entire housewares, china, and linen departments in the store. I guess the thinking is you might as well ask for the whole shebang, because you're only going to get about 10% of what you put on the list.

She won't be getting all she asks for, but what she does get is what she picked out.

Last time I went to a baby shower, everything left on the BabiesRS registry was outrageously expensive. So I just skipped the registry and bought a cute little baby outfit I picked out myself.

[friesianrider]

133. Oh trust me, she'll get everything on her list.

But I hear ya. She did have everything on her registry from china to tablelinens to cookware to glassware to windowtreatments.

[BiggJawn]

110. It's "Tradition".

Like buying household items as wedding gifts for 2 people who were out on their own for 20 years before getting married.

Anyone holding a GUN to your head to buy a shower gift?

No?

Then same advice I gave to Eeyore applies.

"...then expect everyone else to help you pay for 99% of it."

Looked at the projected cost of raising a rug-rat from "Oh shit, I'm LATE" to College lately?

[Caoimhe]

111. Get them

one of those kid leashes. :P

[barb162]

113. You still get birthday and Xmas presents

[friesianrider]

134. Yes, but everyone has those.

What if I don't get married or have kids? I don't get squat? Maybe I should set up a registry for not marrying - I mean, I will likely spend my life with someone...why don't we need the same type of stuff for a household just because we don't get married?

[barb162]

142. I am divorced, childfree and I keep giving graduation, communion,

baptism and all these other gifts and money all the time too. I don't like it but that's life. When I think of the amounts I have given to my brother's 2 brats who are now 20 and 25 over the years, well I could get sick (especially because they are snots).

[barb162]

114. I know people like this... they get married

and get unbelievable stuff from their wealthy families.

[progmom]

115. they'd get the unbelievable stuff from their families

whether they got married or not. :shrug:

[barb162]

117. I know, but when there's a shower or wedding, it really gets

obnoxious with the gift-giving. They were trying to outdo each other or something. When all the gifts are from the designer showrooms and the china is $500 per place setting, well, it gets to be not about gift giving per se, but about display of who has the most moneyl, about who is seemingly most generous, etc.

[friesianrider]

135. Yep, you've got this family to aT :) nt

[slackmaster]

119. Just get a couple of packages of plastic covers for electrical outlets

You'll spend less than $10 and may save a child's life.

:D

[jmowreader]

121. I'll tell you EXACTLY what you get

"So...ya got kids?"
'No.'
"When are ya gonna have kids?"

[redqueen]

122. I don't get how this stuff prompts such outrage.

If someone has a lot of money, maybe they'd like to buy something pricey instead of something less expensive, and would appreciate having high-end items on the registry.

There's no way any baby shower will pay for 99% of anyone's childrearing expenses. That's just an ignorant statement.

*sigh*

[ProfessorGAC]

130. Simple Question

Why should anyone else pay for anything more than 0% of someone else's childrearing expenses?

I admit we gave gifts when someone in the family had kids. But, if we hadn't, it would have riled me to no end if someone thought less of us.

The Professor

[redqueen]

146. The flaw in this post is the phrase "have to"... no one "has to". n/t

[friesianrider]

153. No, but...

There is a feeling of obligation, at the least, to buy something when the registry is 15 pages long and the cheapest toy/baby supply is $40 or $50 - unless I want to buy Desitin. I want to buy her something nice because I love her as if she is my own family, but I think it's selfish to even ask for things like a $600 rocking chair from anyone. In all honesty, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable accepting such extravagant gifts from friends and family.

Since when did having a baby become a chance to cash in?

[Left Is Write]

156. I do have an idea for you...

Since you know she will be needing the little things, supplies that are always useful, I suggest a little tote-bag style diaper bag that you can fill with the diaper cream, Mylicon drops, pacifiers if she's going to use them, baby thermometer, nasal aspirator, baby shampoo and baby wash, and little washcloths. Things like that. Oh - and infant Tylenol. The kinds of things a new mother might not realize she needs until the moment arrives, often in the middle of the night.

If you'd like to buy an outfit instead (and it IS fun to shop for little clothes!), but something in the 6-9 or 9-12 month size for the baby to grow into. It is pretty likely they'll get too mnay 0-3 or 3-6 month outfits. When buying for babies, I never buy 0-3 month sizes. They get outgrown too fast. All of my babies were BORN too big for those sizes.

A last alternative suggestion - a package of disposable diapers in size 2. Newborn and size 1 are outgrown very fast, but most babies wear size 2 for a while.

I do understand your frustration and your greater point. I know that for you, this isn't about NOT wanting to celebrate this new baby.

[grace0418]

124. Well, to give you another side of that...

When I got married people begged us to have a registry. They wanted to buy us things we needed instead of stupid things we didn't want, didn't need or didn't like. We had no desire for things like fine china or fancy silverware so we registered at Target. I knew that some of my husband's family would want to buy us nicer things, so we registered for a food processor, a stand mixer, a new microwave, etc. Then we registered for smaller items like bowls, towels, kitchen gadgets, etc. We even, just for a laugh, registered for Brita pitcher filters and cleaning supplies.

Yes, our registry was long and perhaps it looked like we "expected" everything under the sun. But what we really wanted to do was give people options for any budget. We truly appreciated each and every gift we got (except for the used serving tray with food still crusted on it, yuck) and never in a million years expected to get everything on the registry. In fact, some of our favorite gifts were things you couldn't even buy at Target, like artwork or homemade items. A registry is more to help your guests out than it is a demand for specific items. At least that's how I used it.

The other nice thing about the registry was that we had a list of items that we wanted for the house that we could then purchase for each other for birthdays and such. Sometimes I walk into a store knowing I need a hundred things in there but suddenly can't remember a single item.

Anyway, I don't know your BF's sister, so maybe you have other reasons to think she's being greedy and self-absorbed. But maybe you should try to cut her a little slack and think that maybe she's just been asked by a million people "What do you need for the baby?" The last thing a new mom needs is to have to make a million trips to various stores to return or exchange a bunch of stuff she doesn't need. If people don't know what a new mom needs, they tend to buy cute little rompers. I've heard from several friends that they could've changed the baby's clothes 10 times a day and still not used all the 3-6 mo. size clothing they received before the baby outgrew it.

[cory817]

136. registry

The way I think about it, when you fill out a registry your not filling out a list of stuff you must have and expect people to get you, it's just a way of making it easier for people who want to give you something to know what you could use and havent been given already.

And actually I think putting a lot of items and even the smaller cheap ones like neosporin on the list is the less selfish way to do it because it leaves it open for people who don't want to spend as much to still get you something useful and also theres a diversity of gifts to chose from, what you don't want is a strict list of a few specific items which makes it more like order filling.

If it was me, I would just go through the store checking a lot of stuff, not because I really want everything and not just thinking hey might as well try, but because i'm easy going and would be happy with any of it and really don't care what I get so im leaving it more open. I know when Ive had to buy wedding presents before I like having a large list so I can pick something they want but that still fits as a present from me.

[borlis]

148. Probably nothing.

People have showers to CELEBRATE a wedding or the birth of a child. You sound a bit jealous to me. If you don't want to be part of this celebration, don't go. But if you eventually wind up marrying your current boyfriend, don't expect people to be kind to you if you show this attitude to them. Oh, you use the word KNOCKED UP like she is someone in high school. Married couples who have been trying to have a baby for years are overjoyed when the event happens. Having a baby is a big deal and so are the expenses that go along with it, no matter how well off you are.

[friesianrider]

150. Yeah...

And for the fortieth fucking time, I ADMIT FREELY tht I am jealous that evert life decision she makes is rewarded with tens of thousands of dollars worth of gifts. I'm jealous that if I make a life decision to not be married and not have children, I sure as shit won't be rewarded so generously. My expression of frustration is WHY this seems to happen so much and WHY people who DON'T make the decision to 1) get married or 2) have a baby aren't rewarded similarly. Sheesh...

And for the record, she has openly stated she only wanted to get pregnant so she could "stay home" full-time. Her exact words, not mine. So if I use the words knocked up, I don't feel bad about it one bit. I love her because she is like my family, but she is incredibly selfish, spoiled and has a complete feeling of entitlement. I can't understand how this is somehow my problem because I call it like it is. :shrug:

[bluestateguy]

154. Just quietly don't attend

Say you're busy, and then you will be excused from having to buy anything. It doesn't sound like you are real close with this person, so you are not obligated to attend and buy a present.

Weddings and showers can really add up cost-wise when you are invited to several per year, especially when travel is involved: plane fare, possibly hotel costs, a gift, food, possibly a tux or a new dress. I don't like to decline these invitations, but sometimes I just can't afford the trip.

[friesianrider]

166. Except the BFs mother already RSVP'd me...

And she's really a nice lady too...but she ALWAYS does this. She'll RSVP me to their family's stuff without even asking me, then if I have something planned I get a guilt-trip. Otherwise, I'd definitely just bail on the whole thing.

[Scout1071]

155. I'm going to throw myself a "I'm turning 34 and I still need a damn

toaster oven party." I will include a disclaimer that if and when I do get married, you won't be invited. I promise right here and now to never put you through a wedding. I will go away privately, enjoy a honeymoon and come back to celebrate with my friends and family.

Welcome to the 30 something single person's life. I have been to so many eff'ing weddings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, kid birthdays, baptism parties, blah, blah, blah.

Now I'm 33 and I go over to my friends' houses and see all of these things that they got for getting married and it pisses me off! In my opinion, you reach an age where you are too damn old to throw those big weddings. If/when i get married, I would never do that to my friends and family. No way....we've all been to too many of those by now. Besides, most of my friends in their mid/late 30's and early 40's who get married have most of that stuff by then anyway!

I'm throwin' the party. I'm turning 34 and I still need a damn toaster oven.


Now, to address your situation. Come on...be happy for the girl. Especially if you think you want to be around the family for the future. Here's a tip - go online and print out the registry. Then shop around. Often times I will take a registry list and then shop it around. It doesn't have to be from that store. For a baby shower, find a TJ Maxx or a Marshalls or some type of discount store and get a cute little outfit for $10 and call it a day. It will be appreciated and you'll be the bigger person in the end.

[Left Is Write]

157. When I got married, I pretty much had everything I needed

for my household also. I was 31 years old. There were some higher-end things I'd have liked to acquire (and still have some wants in that department), but I didn't ask anyone to buy them for me. I did not register for my wedding, and it was quite small anyway.

The standard gift my parents gave their children for their weddings was a KitchenAid stand mixer and a Cuisinart. I like to joke now and then that I got married for the mixer. ;)

My siblings came up with a clever idea for a gift for my husband and me, a gift that was very much appreciated and still remembered fondly. They gave us a "honeymoon kit." It consisted of a very nice bottle of sparkling wine, two beautiful wineglasses, a bottle of spearmint massage oil, a wooden massager, a bottle of relaxation lotion, and some fancy chocolates. And a CD of romantic music.

[Scout1071]

158. Wow...I gave my former roommate a similar gift. I loaded it all

in a nice picnic basket. I went a little overboard on the gift, but she's been a longtime friend. And I got most of it at TJ Maxx! Great stuff in the back for gift parties.

[skygazer]

160. You don't have to get her anything

No one does. No one has to pay for a wedding or buy gifts for a birthday or anything else for that matter. If you buy something, you are choosing to do so. A gift is just that - a gift - and an invitation is just that - an invitation. You do not have to go and you do not have to buy anything.

I don't understand why people get so worked up about this stuff. I chose a long time ago to only buy gifts when I felt like buying gifts. I don't buy Christmas gifts because I don't celebrate Christmas. I don't go to showers for everyone and their brother - only those people I am particularly close to. I don't buy from registries because I don't approve of being told what I am to buy - I buy what I want to buy. I've never lost a true friend on account of it, nor have I lost the love of any relative I actually gave a shit about either.

You don't have to allow others to force you into the lie that spending money equates affection. Those who would do so are not really deserving of that affection. So why would you care what they think?

[oldcoot]

161. Putting registry information in an invitation is tacky

Whoever wrote these invitations should not have included registry information in the invitations because it gives the impression that the shower is a "gift grab." Anyone who is interested in buying a gift, can ask the host or hostess where the mom-to-be is registered.

[Merrick]

162. Seriously. When's non-procreator day?!

Overpopulation is the root cause of just about every ill our planet is facing today and yet who gets rewarded? People contributing to the problem. Mothers on mother's day, fathers on fathers day, mothers to be at baby showers, wasteful parasite corporations like Hallmark and Baby's R Us...

I haven't had any kids and I WANT FREE BRUNCH!!!

[48pan]

165. Bubkas... But quit whining.

Buy her a gift certificate to Bed, Bath and Beyond and leave it at that.

[Pithlet]

171. It's a part of being a member of a social circle

It's part of all the BS that goes along with it. Sometimes you gotta do things that aren't fun. But, sometimes you're the recipient. Surely family and friends have helped you out at some point, haven't they? It all balances out. It isn't meant to slight people who don't have children or don't get married. The alternative is being a complete loner, and unless that's your thing, that's no fun.

[Groggy]

172. chill..

My advice is to quit worrying about HER life...and how its all so unfair. Like it or not, baby showers / wedding gifts are a tradition. You don't have to give her anything expensive...or anything at all if you don't want to. Give her a nice card or something. But it seems you are wasting a lot of energy getting all worked up over someone elses life..it has nothing to do with you. Concentrate on what you have going on and don't let jealousy make you miserable. I hope you aren't offended, its just how I see it.

Good Luck!