Favorite Lewis Black quotes.

[mac56]

Post 'em here.

"I took economics, and I'd explain it to you - but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye."

"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants."

"Republicans have nothing but bad ideas, and Democrats have no ideas."

"These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!"

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

1. If it weren't for my horse...

[mac56]

2. About Minnesota:

"You live in a cold that human beings aren't supposed to live in. And it's no kind of test of the human spirit. It's fucking stupid."

[slackmaster]

3. Regarding Michael Jackson

Mr. Black said that Michael Jackson has become the universal punchline for jokes. A standup comic could tell a joke like

"Two Jews go into a bar...

...Michael Jackson!"

and get a good laugh.

[WhollyHeretic]

4. These ballot initiatives

remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!

[fudge stripe cookays]

5. Nyquil....

it's the only thing on the shelf that actually tastes like RED and GREEN.

FSC

[mac56]

8. Where can I get that button?!

I really need that one.

[fudge stripe cookays]

15. Here ya go....

http://www.stickergiant.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=y5089

FSC

[Bucky]

6. "I'm really angry about something... and I'm shaking my finger!"

OK, the sound was off. But I'm sure that's what was going on.

[GiovanniC]

7. Now If You'll Excuse Me

I have to go teach an aerobics class with Stephen Hawking.

[liontamer]

9. about bread and the atkins diet

"it turns out we've been eating the wrong thing... since the dawn of civilisation"

[acmavm]

10. Favorite? All of them.

.

[GiovanniC]

11. They would come to my elementary school

with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.

[GiovanniC]

12. Is oral sex adultery? Yes!

There is no discussion! If curling is an olympic sport, then oral sex is adultry. And oral sex should be an olympic sport because it's more difficult than curling and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal!

[Bryan]

13. "This country has finally lost its mind."

"I know exactly the moment that it occurred. I was in my apartment. I was watching TV. It was January. And it was announced that the President of the United States may or may not have had oral sex with a 21-year-old in the White House, and that that-and now I'm quoting-wasn't the bad news.

What was the bad news? The bad news was, he may have made her lie.
Ooooh. At that point, I went down to the International House of Pancakes, 'cause I needed to put my teeth into some pancakes before they reached around and tried to eat my brain."

[dbt]

18. THIS is the one.

[mnmoderatedem]

14. Ken Lay's Wife:

"I know my husband is a decent, honorable, and honest man. Of that, I am 100% certain."

Black: "That 100% figure was compiled by Arthur Andersen."

[GiovanniC]

16. Listen, Osama!

I don't care how far you've gone, I don't care how long you've planned. There's no way that you can kill more Americans with *your* guns then we do with our *own*. This is the big leagues, baby!

[Tsiyu]

17. They think we're just meat

with eyes....

[ghostsofgiants]

19. "I met Dick Cheney...I've never stood that close to evil before."

[mondo joe]

20. "My moo cow fuck milk doesn't need any friends."

[underpants]

21. "Easiest job in the world, Weatherman in San Diego....

tomorrow its going to be ................NICE"