Katie Holmes Hostage Crisis Enters Fifth Week

[RandomKoolzip]

http://www.holysmoke.org/cos/katie-holmes-hostage-crisis-enters-fifth-week.htm

Even more galling is that Cruise has done this before. At a recent press conference, investigators produced photos of the suspect menacing a young Australian woman a few years earlier, leaping around and screaming in her face about how much he loves her. The woman in question escaped four years ago and refused to be interviewed for fear that it would give up the location of her Los Angeles area safehouse.

Most disturbing of all, it now seems that Cruise intends to make poor Katie his bride in some bizarre Scientology ritual. Considering that Stockholm syndrome has very probably kicked in by now, odds are good that Holmes will accept the depraved proposal and join the Cruise's culty cultish cult, surrendering to a life of cultivating MEST and reading bad science fiction.

The President of the Church of Scientology International, Rev. Heber Jentzsch, was quick to rebuke the media for implying that Cruise is acting within the tenets of the church. "The rash behavior of this Cruise person does not reflect the values and virtues of the Church of Scientology. We are a faith just like any other. I mean, paying thousands of dollars to be hooked up to a lie detector and convinced you're an immortal alien isn't any dumber than worshiping trees or necro-cannibalism. Eh, OK. We're a nutty cult."

The next big opportunity to bring closure to the case came during the MTV Movie Awards on Thursday when, to everyone's surprise, the Dawson's Creek star arrived unannounced on the arm of her captor. LA SWAT teams were immediately scrambled to the location. Snipers stationed on nearby rooftops had explicit orders to take down the tuxedoed kidnapper but were unable to find a clean head shot on a red carpet choked with out of work actors jockeying for camera time.


Someone help Katie Holmes! I don't think she knows about the Great God Xenu yet...there's still time, Katie! RUN!

[ronnykmarshall]

1. Wooo Hoooo!

More bashing of little Tommy!

:yourock:


Every time I see his smug mug on TV I want to hurl!!!

I hope this is start of his decline into Nora Desmond.

[RandomKoolzip]

3. I saw his interview on the Today show yesterday morning

with my wife. She was worried because I was so happy.

I was going "Oh my god! He's nuts! HE's NUTS!!" and clapping my hands like a 8-year old girl who's just been promised ice cream...but only if she rides a pony first.

I'm so happy, too, that his increased exposure is shedding more negative light on Scientology. Thank fuckin' GAWD.

[ronnykmarshall]

5. I love it.

I hope this film BOMBS!! He's just a fucking prick.

[Teaser]

2. It's too late for Katie

She's doin' clam exercises now.

[RandomKoolzip]

4. "No Tom! Not the E-METER!!!

AAAAIIIGHH!"