what do you give to someone who sends a letter announcing

[barb162]

they got married 6/7 and also news that they expect a child 1/15/06. The parents of the bride are beyond distraught and think the whole thing is a "catastrophe."

Do you send two congrats cards, one for the wedding and the other for the baby and $$ with each. Or one congrats card for both the baby and marriage. She married a guy in the Navy and she didn't finish her second yr. of college. The parents are both PhDs and are barely talking to her. The family, including the grandparents, are speaking in hushed tones and saying she got married and got pregger. Of course, by her letter, she is clarifying she got PG first and who cares.

[Shoeempress]

1. Send a wedding gift if you want but definitely a congrats letter to let

them know you don't care. Send the baby gift when the baby is born.

[proud2BlibKansan]

2. Send a wedding gift now

and a baby gift after the baby is born.

[Maddy McCall]

3. I'd send her the first card congratulating her on the marriage.

Then, upon the birth of the child or upon receipt of an invitation to a baby shower, send the baby gift.

In the wedding congratulations, I would also tell her congrats on the baby, and you hope to receive an announcement when he/she is born.

[barb162]

9. good idea on receiving an announcement on the birth

[Droopy]

I think one congrats card for the marriage

with a gift, money or otherwise, would be cool. When they have the baby send a card and gift then.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

4. Unless you're invited to a baby shower,

you usually wait until the kid is born to send congratulations or gifts.

So by that measure, you have six months to shop!

[legally blonde]

5. card & money for the wedding

When the baby is born send a congrats card with money/gift.

Edit--previous posters had good points.

[barb162]

10. yes

[salin]

6. Send two cards, at the appropriate time

and send some support - if she is a friend/family friend. As pregnancy comes to a completion she may not have a lot of support if her parents are still angry and the family is still so ashamed.

[barb162]

11. beside she moved to San Diego from VA last month

Her whole immediate family lives in VA. Her cousins are okay with this, but the parent generation and older are not. They just keep using words like "disaster"

[LeftyMom]

7. It's cool of them not to try to hide it

and once the baby's born, more than likely the grandparents will be too enchanted by the kid to give a shit when it was concieved. If they aren't, screw them.

I'd send a card and wedding gift now and a baby gift closer to the edc or after the kid's born.

[skygazer]

8. I've never understood what possible difference it could make

whether or not you're married when you get pregnant or have a child. I've especially never understood why "illegitimacy" (what a horrid word) is taken out on the child (not so much anymore but, boy, it used to be). As if they could help it.

Send a wedding congrats with a note of congrats on the baby within and a wedding gift. Ask for notice of the birth and send baby congrats and a gift then. If, of course, this is something who you care about and want to send gifts to.

[barb162]

12. great suggestions

[barb162]

13. THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL WONDERFUL IDEAS

These two are going to need a lot of help. He's not making much and she won't be able to work I think. They will probably just barely hold things together financialy.

[greatauntoftriplets]

14. The daughter of friends got married last October....

It was an extremely elaborate affair, more than a year in the planning, worthy of a Cecil B. DeMille production.

In May of 2004, the bride and her married sister with two kids were on their way to a fitting for the bridesmaids dresses. The bride mentioned certain symptoms she had been having, and her older, wiser sister decided a stop at Walgreens along the way was appropriate.

They arrived at the bridal shop, bag in hand, and the bride headed into the bathroom. She was pregnant. Everyone in the family (and friends were ecstatic), even though it meant she would be 5 months pregnant at the wedding. (Change of wedding dresses easy.)

Just before Labor Day last year, the bride underwent a routine ultrasound. Something was wrong with the baby...no kidneys. She had to be hospitalized and labor induced to deliver a 4-month baby...dead. It was a perfectly formed boy, tiny, but my friend held him and to this day, the memory haunts her.

The wedding went forward as planned, the bride was radiant, the groom proud. But a touch of sadness tinged the day for the child (Joseph).

Happily, the bride is pregnant again, ecstatic and everything appears to be going well.

My point is...everyone should be happy.

As for gifts....send them money or a present now...and something for the baby after its birth. Please be supportive, despite the parents' negative reaction...which I think is uncalled for.

[barb162]

17. I thought congrats were in order as soon as I heard about it

until I kept talking to this family. They are so dead set against this marriage. I suspect the soon-to-be greatgrandmother will ease up when she sees the baby as it would be her first greatgrandchild and she has been wanting one for years. I suspect a lot of the problem is this guy looks S. American (dark skin) and this familky is German on both sides and he may not have gone to college. The bride is blonde and blue-eyed and the guy looks Venezuelan or like he comnes from somewhere around there. I have only seen him from the picture she sent , which I suspect was a quick wedding in City Hall. They both had Tshirts on. This was the first wedding of 18 grandchildren of the soon-to-be greatgrandmother. (I did find out through the grapevine this Navy guy hates Bush...so he can't be all bad!!!! Frankly I look at it, if she loves him, what's the problem)

[madeline_con]

15. ".. whole thing is a "catastrophe."

Was that in the letter? :shrug:

[barb162]

18. No, this word is coming from the adult members of the extended

family. when you ask them why it is a catastrophe or disaster, they won't answer or they just repeat the same thing over and over like they are in shock.

[barb162]

19. Also I kept thinking there was something seriously wrong with the guy,

like maybe he was an ex-con or drug addict or something they way they kept talking. Buit of course they couldn't tell me as I am not a member of the family and they will not tell a non-family member something like that. Who knows, maybe I will find something out or maybe it's just they are embarrassed by her being pregnant first.

[madeline_con]

20. "... maybe it's just they are embarrassed by ...

her being pregnant first."

Maybe. My youngest attended our wedding. He was born 4 months before we tied the knot.

Hubby's Grandma would tell us we were 'living in sin', but we just shrugged it off. (We lived together fo years before I got pregnant.)

[barb162]

22. this family is very Catholic and the mother of the bride does a

lot of work for the pastor. She also does a lot of Catholic charity work. Maybe the guy is not Catholic. By the way, the last name of this Navy man is not Hispanic. It could be Arab.

[madeline_con]

25. This is not a jab...

But it seems to me that someone who does a lot of Catholic charity work would be more open minded about unplanned pregnancy, and tolerant of other ethnicities besides her own.

"It could be Arab."

Is this a racist thing, do you think? I was warned to stay away from the Arab guys the first time I joined my parents in Saudi.

Having unwillingly joined the group of women whose children were kidnapped and kept for years by their Middle Eastern fathers, I can fully understand that type of fear.

I lived through a nightmare, and the Mom may be afraid of the same sort of thing happeneing to the grandbaby. (??)

[barb162]

27. The mother went to do some charity work in Haiti about a year ago

She would want the daughter to live the life of a "good" catholic, that is, marry another catholic, etc.


I am so sorry to hear about the kidnapping. I have heard of this several times from some lawyers I know who tried pulling strings from some US women who had married Arabs and that happened. I don't consider it racist to warn someone away from a group once something starts happening in certain patterns and enough times to make a warning sensible or valid or common sense. Of course, it never means every single person of the group does it.

[barb162]

28. I don't want to snoop, but I know this is snooping.

Please forgive me in advance and don't answer if you don't feel right about it. But did you get your kids back????? How long were they gone?

[bertha katzenengel]

16. Whatever you do be sure your they know congrats are genuine and

from the heart. The bride rocks that she can do this in the face of her 'rents' disapproval.

Give me a break. LOVE makes a family. Not a marriage license. Not the proper dates on a calendar. Not only penis + vagina.

Love makes a family.

[barb162]

24. I agree but this family is VERY old-fashioned, strict Catholic,

well-educated and they had visions of their daughter/relative getting married in a Cathloic church after they both graduated from college, etc. So here she is pregnant, living on a navy base married to an enlisted man who hardly makes any money, 2000 miles away from home and I don't know how long it is going to take for them to have it sink in: she didn't do things at all according to the family plan.

[madeline_con]

21. The parents are both PhDs and are barely talking to her.

Like she can never go back to school, or something!

[barb162]

23. I know, I suspect and hope things settle down after everyone sees

this baby. I doubt if anything will get resolved before the baby comes.

[LibDemAlways]

26. I understand where the family is coming from...

But frankly, its her life and they need to back off and cut her some slack. Babies have a way of endearing themselves to grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc...and I would be willing to bet that once the baby is born cooler heads will prevail.

Offer the couple your congratulations and whatever monetary gift you can afford and feel is appropriate. Sounds like they need it. When the baby arrives, send a nice gift, too. All will be appreciated.

[SarahB]

29. The parents are assholes.

Sounds like my parents. All it did was trap me for years in the relationship when he relapsed (after the kids) and was an emotionally abusive f*ckhead to me because my family was too busy looking down on me to care. (And yeah, I was fine in terms of college ultimately.)