How do you get over being DUMPED?

[corarose]

I was dumped by my ex fiancé 12 years ago and I swore off men after that.
I am not gay and I love men and men only but I am now use to being alone and I know that I will never have anyone in my life again.

What has happened to me in my past with my Mom dying, losing our business and the foreclosure of our house, getting sick and losing my job and medical benefits and having everything stolen from my apt. has done some major damage to me.

I had 4 cats, 3 dogs and a bird at one time. They all died from old age except one is still living but she is on her death bed as I type this message. Each time one of my kids/pets died a piece of my heart went with them. My Baby Boy Cat Garfield took most of my heart with him when he died.

I am 40 now and I don't know If I ever want to go through a relationship again and being hurt so bad that the small portion of your heart that is left is torn out again.

The Chef at my Culinary College asked if he could fix me up with someone and I changed the subject.

I have had students at school ask me out and I laugh at them and walk away because they have to be kidding.

How do you find a space in your heart to care about a person again?

[mac56]

1. It takes some trust, corarose

Sometimes you just gotta reassure yourself that it'll happen when it's right, and you'll be ready.

:hug:

[corarose]

6. I tried to tell another DU'er

To go after the one that he truly wants because life is short.

Women's intuition tells us things like who wants us and who doesn't want us.

When I was engaged before I felt that my ex had someone on the side but I didn't listen to my intuition. Now I follow it and I don't get burned anymore.

If it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't.

I don't care anymore. I haven't had any intimacy in years and I can hold off. Men aren't like that but women are.

Thanks for the :hug:.

[forgethell]

45. I'm sorry corarose

it sounds to me like you don't get burned because your life is ashes. This is the saddest thing in the world.

Only by opening yourself up to pain can you feel joy. I have been married to the same woman for 30 years, last September. Nobody has hurt me, or made me has mad as she has. and I have done the same to her. But, we always have managed to make it up.

I don't know what to tell you, except, nothing ventured nothing gained. Best of luck

[LincolnMcGrath]

2. It starts with

:hug: Then you find a few new :pals: You are not the first or

last to get :hurts: B-) Don`t miss out on any part of life!

[Kamika]

3. Time

I heard that time will make it better

[TXlib]

4. Is it worth remaining lonely to protect yourself emotionally?

If you honestly feel the answer is yes, then continue swearing off men.

If you're not sure, then give it a try.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

5. You have to care enough about yourself first that when you get dumped

you realize the other person probably did you a favor.

I was devastated after my nearly 7 year long relationship broke up. Then, one day I woke up and realized I was mourning the loss of a person that treated me like shit. It was very comforting.

[corarose]

10. He dumped me for a Candy Company Heiress

The Candy Company is in Arizona and he met the girl in a hotel lobby and two weeks after he met her they were married.

He kept calling me like he wasn't married and my Mom figured it out and told him to f*ck off. She is dead now so she couldn't help me anymore If I needed her to help me.

He is divorced and they shipped his ass back to Scotland and he lives with his Aunt.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

12. See...he did you a favor.

Why mourn the loss of an ass? :shrug: You already HAVE one. :D

[corarose]

43. The jerk weighs about 400 pounds now

LOL!

He gained a ton of weight from eating CERETTA CANDIES!

[felonious thunk]

7. Realize that you're ok

Sounds like you have been through some difficult times. And you're ok. If you try and a relationship doesn't work, you will be ok then too. And if it does work, then it could be wonderful. But if it doesn't, then you'll brush yourself off, get up again and be fine. Keep reasonable expectations, and if you don't want to be alone then you have nothing to lose if you try.

[supernova]

8. Practice trusting other people

again. Trust them as friends. Just enjoy their company. You can start out with really simple things, like going out together and letting them pick the movie. You may like the movie, you may not, but at least you will have had good company for a couple of hours, and possibly learned something new about the other person from that choice.

And forgiving your ex fiance if you haven't done so already. That's really the only thing that works.

[SiouxJ]

9. I've never been dumped

I've always had to be the dumper, which isn't easy either btw, but I do know what you're talking about with regard to the pets. I just had to let go of my 18 year old dog a month ago today and it still hurts so incredibly bad that I am hesitant to get another pet. I just know it will worm its way deep into my heart again and then I'll have to go through all this once more when it leaves me. I do know that I will in fact get another dog though as even with all the pain I'm experiencing now, I remember all the happiness I had when we were together. Unfortunately it's a trade off and if we ever hope to experience that love and happiness again, we have to accept the inevitable as part of the deal. Of course with a human relationship, there's a greater possibility that you will get lucky and get to share most of your life with a special someone (life expectancies being longer with humans) so I think the risk of being hurt is worth the possible life long payoff.

[corarose]

14. He picked the other women because she was worth $$$$$$$$$$

I was with him for 6 years and she knew him for two weeks. He his the fact that he had gotten married from me and he was planning on keeping it that way but my Mom figured it out.

He was the Manager for a band and I toured with him on my occasions.

He use to leave my name on the guest list hoping that I would show up.

I never showed back up.

I always was the person that did the dumping before that. I once had to get a peace bond out on a guy that I dumped and he hung out by my door day and night.

[supernova]

17. I was the dumper

of my 9-year marriage. It was damn scary at the time. Very much a "where do I go from here?" feeling. But I knew the future had to be better than the past.

I used to think I could never be in another relationship. Too much sturm und drang. But I now realize that just because that relationship was like that, is no indication that another one will be.

It began to get better for me, when I realized that that's all a big circular game we play. Sometimes you're the dumper, sometimes you're the dumpee. And like NSMA, I think when you get dumped that person does you a favor. They didn't deserve you in the first place.

[SiouxJ]

26. Bravo for you!

It takes guts to get out of a relationship that you know isn't good for you. It's hard to decide what is worse, being alone or being in a bad relationship. A lot of people stay in the latter because they just can't face the risk of being alone.

:yourock:

[supernova]

30. Thank you SiouxJ

It was a lot of hard work, that's for sure. But my life now was definitely worth it.

Definitely there are worse fates than being alone. I heartily agree.

[Bertha Venation]

11. hug

:hug:

[bamademo]

13. I worked out at a women's only gym and did yoga

It was very empowering. I regained confidence in myself and felt emotionally and physically strong. I'm starting to have another relationship again.

Good luck. I thought I would die but I didn't.

P.S. I also drank wine, played Allman Brothers "Whipping Post" at a high volume and cried my eyes out. Believe it or not, it helped get it all out.

[dreissig]

15. Start Socializing Again

After you swore off men you stopped socializing with them. That sustained you for a while, but being single can be god-awful lonely at times. Sounds to me like you need to "get back in shape" in your ability to handle the heartaches and disappointments of a social life.

It is not any easier for men. Some people give up trying, and they turn bitter. Join some club! You're going to meet a lot of losers but don't let that put you off.

[wryter2000]

19. Exactly

Cultivate friendships and hobbies. You can have a very full life without romance. Once you're feeling better, you may find that you don't have time for a man. At that point, someone would have to be very, very special to be worth squeezing into your busy schedule.

OTOH, if there isn't a single thing you can think of that you'd enjoy, you may be suffering from depression. At that point, look for counselling.

Life's too short to be unhappy.

[corarose]

16. I got up to 290 pounds and that helped me avoid men

For 10 years and now they are looking again but I am not sure why.

[Syncronaut Seven]

37. Big girls are back in style

Look out!
Don't be afraid to date the younger models. Better warranties, Less baggage. The younger guys aren't nearly as intimidated by confident, self assured women either. Their highly teachable too!

There are no guarantees but you are old enough now to recognize the early warning signs & weed out the loosers.

Go for it! even if you end up with a false start or two it's worth it. Just be yourself & note who responds positively.

Have fun!

(edited for spelling)

[corarose]

39. I had gastric bypass 18 months ago

The big girl is gone!

[HEyHEY]

18. I don't know...guess I'm too shallow to care about being dumped

;-)

[soleft]

20. Fear is what kept me from being in a fufilling relationship

I was married for 12 years to a great guy who's my best friend, but he wanted out and that hurt me terribly at first. The truth is we were both hiding in the relationship, both afraid to come out and live authentically and fufill our hearts desires.

After he and I weren't together anymore I was still attracted to people who weren't available, still avoiding truly risking my heart to someone.

Finally at age 40 I met the right one and it's almost a year we've been together.

It sounds like your hearts beginning to wake up and you're becoming curious about what it might be like to take the risk again.

You may hit some road blocks along the way, but ultimately I believe people end up doing the thing they want the most. If it's safety, that's what you'll seek. If it's another shot at love and intimacy you desire, you'll do whatever it takes to find it. Don't be surprised if you find yourself in a tug of war for a while. Be gentle with yourself and don't judge your choices too harshly.

But having gone through it, I say it was all worth it to be where I'm at right now.

[corarose]

23. Was it hard for you to start over?

Sometimes you get comfortable being alone.

[soleft]

28. separation is always hard

for me anyway. I hate saying goodbye and have big abandonment issues. It's also hard to break patterns of behavior. People tend to be attracted to people that remind of them of the people who hurt them the most. No exception here.

And even tho I'm now with someone who gives me things I've wanted my whole life and never had, it's still not easy. Relationships are hard and sometimes painful. But I'd rather work through the painful parts and break my pattern of avoiding things than give up all the good stuff. The good stuff is definitely worth the pain and effort.

[corarose]

21. Anyone else use to being ALONE?

I am not really alone alone because I have my Dad and my crazy Sister with me.

But, are you use to being alone?

I use to think about are my legs shaved when I went out and now If they are shaved they are shaved and if they aren't they aren't.

[supernova]

25. Very used to it

Just like living with someone, living alone has it's ups and downs. Sometimes I like it; sometimes I don't.

I'm very happy with my own company most of the time. I can listen to music, read a book. Control the tv clicker! }>

[liberalhistorian]

27. I'm certainly used to it.

I'm a 38-year-old never-married single mother, with a 12-year-old son, who's lived with my parents since right before my son was born (my son's father threw me out of the house when I was four months pregnant).

I'm so used to going places by myself, including restaurants and movies, that I usually don't even think about it anymore. I'm so used to other people getting what they want as far as romance is concerned that it probably shouldn't even bother me anymore, even though it does sometimes. I've had a couple of superficial relationships these past thirteen years, but nothing major unless you count my boss's brother. I dated him for awhile and it was serious, but he works all the time and has a lot of problems, emotional, financial, and legal, he even pushed me away for awhile after wanting to get really serious, then turned around and changed his mind, and I don't want to deal with it. I'll probably never get back the money I lent him last year, too.

So yeah, there are those of us who are, indeed, used to being alone although sometimes it's a real pain in the ass.

[brainshrub]

22. Alcohol

[corarose]

24. Thanks Guys!

:hug: :grouphug: :loveya:

[populistmom]

29. Interesting question

Sounds like you're going through some changes and are doing a lot of soul searching right now. I can relate. I think for nearly everyone (everyone over 30 I'm sure) has been dumped or had their heart broken at some point. It's hard, very hard, but maybe you need to do some further soul searching as to what it is your afraid of? What is it in your past (before him I mean) that has lead you to to swear off finding love again? I don't mean you should answer it here, just perhaps think about it or work on it yourself.
I know for me, I had my heart broken by my "first love" so to speak. Not my first boyfreind, but the first one I really cared about. We had a couple years of this confusing on and off thing (with him holding all the cards) and a few months later, I ending up rebounding into a relationship I wasn't ready for really (who is now my husband of 12+ years). I realize now in retrospect, I had a lot of these abandonment issues because of childhood stuff that lead me down that path. Until I really faced it, I was stagnant within myself.
My thing and your thing are very different situations, but basically what I'm saying is that we all deserve love in our lives and you need to look at exactly why you somehow feel that you are not either in need or deserving of that because you are. :)

[corarose]

31. Loss of Teeth

It use to be you would leave your boobs on the dresser or floor but your teeth now that's something different.

[corarose]

32. I almost forgot the one thing that Is truly holding me back (Teeth)

Jesus Christ how could I forget about something that I am reminded about everyday.

I had to get all of my teeth out back in August and I have false teeth. If anyone kisses you they will feel your false teeth.

Shit, it use to be a padded bra was embarrassing but I don't care about my boobs being a size B anymore. My teeth are gone it's time for me to join the Catholic Church.

[alwynsw]

42. PUHLEZE!

If an ass is that shallow, keep looking. That's it. Paul McCartney couldn't get a "normal" woman, so he went and found himself one that lost a leg.

Get over it guys. If you want an arm charm, you DO NOT want a relationship.

Yep. 100% hetero male. I love women! BUT! C'mon, where is it written that Madison Avenue's version of the perfect anyone is correct?

(Look for the deeper meaning in the old joke)

"When the lights go out, the only thing that matters is - who washed?"

AND WHY IN HELL WOULD YOU PAD ANYTHING???? Barring a mastectomy, padded or prosthetic bras are completely unnecessary.

[amazona]

47. some men will find that a delightful surprise, you know

I haven't noticed any of the older gentlemen around here being perturbed about their false teeth. Besides, quite a number of older men actually prefer women who can, um, remove their teeth. I don't want to get vulgar about it but if you think about it for awhile, you can probably figure out why this might be an advantage in certain forms of love-making. I recently read an interview with a swinger who actually had her sound teeth removed to please her playmates. I would not choose to modify my body in that way unless it was medically necessary but, as it was necessary in your case, you might as well enjoy the advantages.

Oh Lord, I hope I am not being too crude and insensitive, I'm afraid I'm good at being tactless! The point is, you can choose to look at having removable teeth as an advantage or a disadvantage...seems to me, as your teeth are what they are, it is better to see (and use) the advantages.

[alwynsw]

49. You did well!

So I'll make the crude post (from a dirty old man)

Gummy hummers rule!

[corarose]

50. 40 years old is not that old to lose your teeth

I use to be a Dental Assistant and my teeth looked perfect although I had major problems.

Men my age don't have false teeth and I don't want a man my Dad's age.

Jesus, so I should look at it from a BJ point of view. Hmmm never thought about it that way.

Damn I feel so good now knowing that maybe someone will want me because I can give them a better BJ then the lady with real teeth.

HMMMMMM!! DAMN THAT'S SOMETHING THAT DIDN'T CROSS MY MIND! HELL, MAYBE THAT'S WHY MY CHEF WANTS TO FIX ME UP WITH THIS FRIEND.

[MissMillie]

33. I'm in the same boat...

... get some therapy. It helps.

And learn to like yourself. It's easier to believe that someone wants to be with you if you like who you are. You're less likely to trust that someone wants to be w/ you if you don't like yourself.

[BiggJawn]

34. Get more Cats.

12 years?
I don't know what to say without it coming out like I'm a mysoginistic blow-hard.
Frankly, I don't see any hope after that long.

[TrogL]

35. bounce-back relationships

Hook up with the next person that comes along, no matter how unsuitable.

Hey, it didn't work for me, but maybe it will work for you.

Note sarcasm

[corarose]

38. I had this BABY BOY trying to hook up with me at College

The damn kid was 24 and he kept talking about his High School years which wasn't far behind him. I thought he was in his 30's so that would have been alright.
He made a comment one day that he had a math class 6 years ago in High School and I am like WHAT.

The guy was gores and he worked at my table in every class and I miss him. He fell behind me and now I am behind him in classes.

I am hoping to bump in to him again just to see how he is doing.

My Chef wants to fix me up with someone. He keeps telling me that I am a nice good looking lady and I think that he is just being nice.

[alwynsw]

36. You never really get over it

But you do move forward. I'll try to recreate a previous post of mine on a similar thread:

married at 21: far too young - couldn't get along with her boyfriend - divorced.

married late 20's: she developed a pshychological illness, becam non-compliant with her meds and used me as a handgun target - divorced

married mid 40's: happy as a clam

even a blind hog finds an acorn now and again

spell check on edit

[amazona]

40. well, here is my advice fwiw

I can't recall having ever waited 12 days, much less 12 years, to consider dating again. Maybe I'm just a shallow person but I have an attitude of, there are lots of fish in the sea, and most of the male ones are pretty horny, so there is no reason for me to be alone unless I choose to be. So from the shallow end of the gene pool, here is my advice.

If someone asks you out, it is discourteous to laugh in his face unless he is obnoxiously persistent (a stalker who has asked more than three times). If you're not interested, just make a polite excuse or tell him you want to keep him as a friend and not risk your friendship by dating. They get it when they hear the word "friend" unless they're true stalkers. If you might be interested but are not sure, go on a date to a public place like the zoo (as it sounds like you enjoy animals) or a park to feed the birds and see how you fit. If you're definitely interested...don't deny yourself...jump in and take it as far as you can get away with. So what if you get dumped again? You're already dumping yourself if you refuse to go after what you want. I mean, what have you got to lose? If you get dumped, you're not out anything you weren't already out, right?

I don't want to presume, but it sounds to me as if you might be suffering from clinical depression. So you might want to look into that. If you live any length of time, you lose people to death or misunderstanding that you didn't want to lose. You out-live even the most pampered of pets. Medical issues start to dominate more and more of your existence. It is part and parcel of being mortal, and while it's natural to be sad, it's also OK for you to pick up and move on. Your mom would not wish to outlive her own child, and she would want you to be happy.

If you truly don't want to open your heart again, and if you are also suffering from clinical (but not bipolar disease) depression, then drugs like Prozac can supposedly help some people keep their emotions and sexuality from bothering too much. This is something to discuss with a doctor after a full range of tests. I've known a friend to become dangerous (gun nut dangerous) after being improperly given Prozac. This is usually not an option for bipolar people.

If you do want to open your heart but don't know how, I don't see any alternative but to change your behavior. When asked out, say "yes" if it's to a safe place -- maybe not a bar or loud concert but a study date or a picnic. Or hang around with the whole culinary club at the next kegger and talk to your "date" in the safety of a crowd. See how it feels. Push yourself out of your old comfort zone a little at a time.

Many women do not date after 40. If you're happy with that, I don't see where it's a problem. But if you make this choice out of fear, then it is probably good to practice pushing the fear aside.

After age 35, you constantly constantly constantly get hit on by the 60s and 70 year olds. Not sure what to do about that. If you're into older men, these years can be, um, very active if you are just looking for fun rather than marriage. But it can be a nuisance at times. Just don't let it bother you when it turns out that some of these sweet older gentleman are actually "players" eager to try out their Viagra script on any agreeable lady around. People can look mature and still be very immature...can't let that kind of activity touch your heart. Just enjoy it for what it is.

[slackmaster]

41. Time heals all wounds that can be healed

How do you find a space in your heart to care about a person again?

By forgetting how fucked up your last relationship was.

[AmandaRuth]

44. Please seek outside support!

HI Corarose (beautiful name) if it has indeed been 12 years and you are still recovering from your last relationship, there are some very serious issues going on. It may be trust as other have mentioned, or other things may be going on. The best thing you can do for yourself is too get into a counseling program or a group program. I know you will say that it is too expensive, and it is VERY expensive, but it is the best thing you can possible do for yourself. Alternatively look at your library or chruch for some free or minimal cost group thing, possibly a depression support group. If there has been any alcoholism in your background try alanon.

It sounds like you have been through alot, and 12 years is way too long to have an unresolved broken heart from a long ago relationship. Getting started is the hardest part. Please for your sake, try to find an outside source of counseling and support, keep the faith and let us now how you are doing.

[corarose]

46. I gave him up years ago I am not recovering from him at all

That's how long it has been because I have avoided any relationships because I have been sick, mom died, we lost our business and house, my teeth are gone and I have false ones, etc.

I have had opportunities but I brush them off.

I want to go out kind of.

[corarose]

48. If I wanted him back he would take me back but I don't want him

He is alone know and his friends called me several years ago and told me that he loved me and I passed a message on to the FAT BASTARD that I would go to hell before I would take him back.

I don't need him in my life.

[Undemcided]

51. Online matching?

Why not try something like eharmony.com? My Mum did the same sort of thing in England and has now been married for over 15 years. Good luck to you! :hi:

[corarose]

52. Wouldn't it be funny if it matched me up with my old boyfriend from

Scotland? Just kidding!

Do they match men from England up with American Women?