Monday's Bad Bush* Joke Thread (TM)

[northzax]

Stuck in traffic in Washington, DC, on his way home from work, a lobbyist said to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He saw a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replies, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.
"He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida; or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger; Iraq is falling apart; someone in hisadministration has committed a felony by outing a CIA agent; and it turns out there were no WMDs in Iraq after all.
"So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[wryter2000]

1. Thanks! Hope y'all haven't heard this one before

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell."

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair."

[Champion Jack]

2. A man walked into a cowboy bar ...

...and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[Champion Jack]

3. Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar...

...discussing George W. Bush's visit to their ranch earlier that day.
"The funniest part," the first one said, "was when he kept trying to honk the cow's horns, complaining that they didn't work."
They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, "No, the best was when he asked if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow."
They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, "No, boys, the best was when he tried to milk that steer!"

======================================

How many George Bushs does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues.

[UrbScotty]

4. Some good ones here

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Humor Inspired by George Bush II.

Got jokes? Send them to [e-mail]

How they manage the news: A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

***********************************************

What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.

***********************************************

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attentionto the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

[Lisa]

5. George calls Dick into the Oval Office ...

"Dick, I just can't seem to make this jigsaw puzzle fit. There's a picture of a rooster on the box, but these pieces don't look anything like it."

Cheney sighs. "George, those are Kellogg's cornflakes."