A shocking conversation with a "friend"

[youthere]

Okay...I'm at a loss here. A friend of mine-I've known her for about eight years. She's not my best friend but we talk a lot. We both homeschool our kids and use the same home schooling assistance program. I'm looking for different math curriculum to use and one of the options I have is to use the same textbook the district uses. So we're discussing it this morning on the phone and I ask her why she doesn't use the district textbook and she says to me "Because I don't like all that 'Lolita' and 'Pedro' crap. I'm not having all that mexican crap shoved down my kids throat. What's wrong with Bob and Sue and american names like that" (She's referring to names used in story problems) So I say "You don't think there are americans named 'Pedro' and 'Lolita?'" And she says " I'm sure there are...but not in MY family".
I quickly wrapped up the conversation and got off the phone, but I'm still in shock from this. In all the time I've known her I've never heard ANYthing like this from her. I didn't know what to say. I still don't. Any advice?

[tk2kewl]

1. drop her like a rock

[TheDebbieDee]

15. Or....drop her like it's hot!

[tk2kewl]

18. da-doing-doing

[ronnykmarshall]

2. Ask what bleach she used on her sheets.

[Debi]

7. ronnyk

You Rock :yourock:

[bicentennial_baby]

3. "My, you're an enthusiastic racist!!"

That's what I'd say...should shut her up, at least for a minute.

[youthere]

9. I wish I would have thought of that.

I'm the type who always gets the perfect thing to say AFTER the fact.

[Kraklen]

4. Call her back. Tell her she's a racist prick.

Then hang up and never talk to her again.

[Debi]

5. Buy her a pair of lovebirds and name them Lolita and Pedro

:eyes:

OMG my name is Deborah...I must not be an American (and I have an Italian Surname - and my husband's Surname is Irish....Life is going to hell in a handbasket: :crazy:

[WCGreen]

6. I would tell her that you were offended by her

remarks and that if she really feels this way about people who aren't exactly like her, then maybe it's time to rethink our friendship......

Do it in front of her kids because that way, you are teaching them a lesson they won't learn if they are being educated at home....

[vi5]

8. I'll be honest here and hope I don't get flamed...

My experience with people who home school tend to be more like the friend you describe than with (presumably) liberal and open minded folks like yourself. Most of the people I know who homeschool do so in order to keep their kids away from diversity and confrontation. My point being that If the only thing you have in common is that you home school from the same curriculum then I would say drop her like a rock since you are obviously both doing it for different reasons. But if there are other things you enjoy talking to her about and you have other things in common then I would just avoid heated topics of conversation.

[Sabriel]

32. Yes, but what if she says something similar with the children around?

That's not what I would want my children hearing, particularly without one of us around to mediate and discuss it.

[youthere]

37. I thought about that too.

I'm still just shocked.

[CitrusLib]

36. No flames, just an offer of hope

My county is heavily homeschooled (and also heavily Republican), but there are many, many, many homeschool groups to which you can belong here. My sister homeschools her three boys and she is with the most interesting and diverse group of folks you could ever hope to meet. These folks homeschool in the specific hope of introducing their kids to more diversity. So homeschoolers aren't the same everywhere and I'd be willing to bet a lot of the growth in homeschooling is from her kind of homeschoolers, not the fundamentalist nutjobs (I also have one or two of those in my family tree, but I don't talk about them or to them much). :evilgrin:

[nini]

10. this is why many people homeschool their kids

they don't want them around all the 'brownies', 'blackies' and any other off -white color.

They are disgusting slimeballs.

[soleft]

11. I have a friend who refused to donate to Tsunami Relief

because she saw on Fox News one person in a crowd wearing an Osama Bin Laden tee shirt.

The thing is - there's this saying, the way you do anything is the way you do everything - so if this is the way she reactions in that one situation, that kind of thinking, lack of empathy, xenophobia, nationalism run amok, bigotry - if you look carefully you may find it permeates other aspects of her life and the way she treats people.

I won't disown my friend who I've known since 3rd grade or tell her to fuck off - I just choose to limit my time and contact with her and don't expect much. It's pretty much the same with my family.

[LynneSin]

12. More and more I interject when I hear comments that aren't very PC

Of course most of the folks I know aren't as harsh as what you describe. I recommend finding other people to work with for homeschooling because this lady is an obvious racist.

But I hate to point out the somewhat obvious - homeschoolling has gotten a bad rap because so many folks who homeschool their kids is so their kids don't have to be around the 'Pedros' and 'Lolitas' of the world.

[Shell Beau]

13. Isn't it amazing how

you think you know somebody and then WHAM!!

[youthere]

21. I know! That's what has me reeling.

I've known her for eight years and this is out of left field.I feel like I've been duped, and now I'm sitting here going "what ELSE don't I know about her?"

[datasuspect]

14. she's an asshole

.

[skooooo]

16. Thus the purpose of public education...

....so that we all learn to respect differences.

I admit it. I have perhaps an irrational dislike of homeschooling. No judgement on you, but this is the crap we will contend with for years to come because so many children aren't being taught the tolerance that must come to surface when they are exposed to a wide variety of other children on a continual daily basis. At least in a public school, this parent's kids would have the chance of being exposed to more enlightened opinions or ideas.

[sui generis]

17. be a little understanding

to some people it seems like the U.S. is becoming the northern states of Mexico, and they quite frankly resent it, rightly or wrongly. You can't change the fact that your friend reflects that attitude - she associates Mexican culture with poverty, and crime, and a whole host of other negatives, and probably no positives.

Dropping her like a hot rock or throwing attitude at her is would be really childish and immature (shame on the other posters here).

Point out some cultural positives; probe her her "prejudice", ask her if she really believes what she's repeating. She may not agree with you in the moment you ask, but you might get her thinking about her stereotypes and the kinds of things she might be unfairly passing on to her children.

[Name removed]

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[Name removed]

31. Deleted message

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[NoPasaran]

19. Ironic

No one named BOB or SUE in my family.

[youthere]

23. LOL. Good call NoPasaran.

Mine either strangely enough.

[gollygee]

30. Yes and there were Americans named Pedro and Lolita long before

there were Americans named Bob or Sue

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. All mathbooks are published by liberals who hate Christian America

Didn't you know that?

In fact, you're kids shouldn't learn math at all. Jesus will do whatever math they need, or they can find answers in the Bible. And, truthfully, if they're doing something that they need math, then they're obvously sinning.

[skooooo]

22. LOL...Jesus will do the Math!

How true this is. Just pray for an answer, or better yet, open the Bible up to a random page and you'll find the right answer in there somewhere!

[gollygee]

24. Wow that's a high level of racism

to choose what math textbook you use for your kids based on what ethnicity the names in the story problems are.

I don't even know what to say about that.

[youthere]

26. I agree..

and the VEHEMENCE of her response, just..wow.

[Deep13]

25. What people say in private conversations ...

... cannot be taken too seriously. People have cultural norms and assumed values. Even if they consciously oppose prejudice, it is hard not to have gut reations to perceived cultural threats. Just ask all the Ohio voters who voter to ban gay marriage.

Being tolerant of others includes being tolerant of people with views we find offensive.

[sui generis]

27. I'm shocked by some of the replies here

knee jerk judgemental and every bit as prejudiced. Glad we're not all like this.

If she is your friend that should outweigh her flaws, especially if she hears what you have to say about this. Having prejudical notions does not make her a bad person, any more than your great grandpa slipping up and saying "darkie" means he's the grand imperial wizard.

As her friend, maybe you can share your view that Mexican American culture is a fact of life and not to be feared any more than any other immigrant culture here, including German American, British American, or Native American. There are good and bad things about every culture, including whitebread cracker culture, but focusing just on her preconceived notions of what is bad is not being a good educator.

[nini]

29. Sorry.. I'm fucking sick of people like that woman

It's indicative of the culture the right wing has created that they can spew crap like this and feel perfectly comfortable doing so.

What that woman said was not a slip of a word. She has a real issue with the books not being lily white. That's a big deal.

[sui generis]

33. okay I won't be combative either

I'm just more understanding of people's stupidity, especially if I've made the commitment of calling them a friend.

Her issue is bigger than the books, obviously. The books are just a symptom. I don't think she's really a racist as I define David Duke racism - I know enough people like this to recognize that she's being insensitive as a way to "lash back" at being forced to accept cultural change, and it is REALITY that people are naturally xenophobic until they learn that change isn't all bad.

Sometimes you have to lead instead of just making a statement and a judgement. She made hers based on prejudice, how are yours about her any different?

[youthere]

34. I can appreciate the viewpoint

of being forced to accept cultural change and the anxiety it may cause, I just don't understand it. We live in rural Iowa in a predominately white community, although our home school program is in the city (about 24 miles away) and is much more diverse (maybe that's where this is coming from).
I'm just really sad to see this side of her character-and a little disappointed.

[sui generis]

35. best thing you can do is be a moral beacon on it

just say (gently) you think it's wrong and hurtful to say those things and that you genuinely feel that way. That's probably the best lesson.