GLENEAGLES, SCOTLAND - In a stunning announcement, President Bush today admitted to committing or planning every major terrorist act, assassination, mass murder, war, and genocide since the end of the Civil War.
"I realized after all this time that I could not bear the weight of all these crimes on my shoulders any longer," the President said. "I've done some bad stuff in the past, but what happened to these folks in London was completely out of line, and I accept full blame and responsibility."
The President then shocked the assembled press corps and world leaders by listing the acts he had either committed or assisted in committing, among which are the assassinations of four of his predecessors and that of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary in 1914.
"John Wilkes Booth never would have been able to plug Lincoln had it not been for my financial backing and White House access," Bush told the stunned assemblage. "And under the guise of a young Serbian student named Gavrilo Princip, I was able to ignite the Balkan explosion that led to World War I."
"Oh, and I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll," the President added.
President Bush related in detail how he personally plotted, executed, and escaped alive, the devastating terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 in New York, Washington, and rural Pennsylvania while managing simultaneously to read a story book with schoolchildren in Florida.
"Using the heretofore unknown and undiscovered miracle of teleportation, I was able to appear in two places at once, fooling the students at my feet as I was piloting the three aircraft into their respective targets. Of course, I was foiled by passengers on the fourth plane, but, hey, nobody's perfect!"
Among the acts that the President has admitted complicity:
- The assassinations of Presidents Lincoln, James A. Garfield, William McKinley, John F. Kennedy, and the attempted assassinations of Theodore Roosevelt in 1912, Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1933, Harry S. Truman in 1950, the two attempts on Gerald Ford in 1975, and Ronald Reagan in 1981
- The murders of Archduke Ferdinand, the Russian Imperial family, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Senator Robert F. Kennedy (D-NY), Malcolm X, and ex-Beatle John Lennon
- The "plane crash" deaths of John F. Kennedy, Jr., Gov. Mel Carnahan (D-MO), and Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-MN)
- The sinking of the Titanic
- Kristallnacht
- The Hindenburg disaster
- The attacks on Pearl Harbor
- The Holocaust, which claimed 6 million lives, mostly Jewish
- The Vietnam War
- Watergate
- The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, the Madrid train bombing of 2004, and today's London Underground blasts
Despite the horrific tally of tragedies the President has admitted to taking part in, his allies in Congress remain steadfast.
"President Bush is a strong, moral leader, and an American hero. We are proud to stand with him," House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said today in a joint statement.
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