What to do about unrequited love?

[Doctor_J]

Whadya do when you've got it bad (sleepless night and the like), but the object of your affection is not interested in any type of relationship at the moment? Take what you can get (long conversations, hand-holding, TV watching)? Or be a little more agressive? Or move along?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

1. Respect that person's feelings because they feel like that for a reason

Sometimes people are not just meant to be and if you try to force it , you crash and it hurts ... If the person does not want any type of relationship at the moment , you have to respect that opinion , never force someone into loving/liking/ or being with you .

[rockymountaindem]

2. You and I have the same problems, pal.

I'll be watching this thread intently. Thanks for posting.

[hippiechick]

3. Move on, because you will always be waiting for crumbs ....

... and nobody deserves to live on crumbs.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

6. So true ...

I take back my take what you can get part ... because everybody deserves the entire main course and not the crumbs ...

[Pale Blue Dot]

4. Move on.

I can't feel more strongly about this. You have to feel confident enough in yourself to know that you deserve to be loved back. If you don't have that confidence, it's not going to work between the two of you anyway.

One lesson I've learned over and over in my life is that unrequited love never becomes requited. I'm not even sure if requited is a word. :shrug:

Move on. There is someone out there who will love you too.

[1monster]

13. Or, one falls out of love while living on those crumbs (eventually one

realizes some self worth and knows that he/she are deserving of being loved too), and the one who did not love, decides that he/she does love...

Thus, once again, there is unrequited love.

[Mojambo]

5. Suffer.

I've found that the best thing to do is cut off ties, not forever but until you get over them or their situation changes.

Taking what you can get only increases the heart-ache as time goes on.

[Droopy]

7. Forget about it

Beer is your friend.

[skygazer]

8. Move along

Nothing to see here.

Seriously, there's no sense in torturing yourself over something that isn't there. If you can be a friend without being a needy, doe-eyed, I-want-so-much-more-and-I'm-never-going-to-let-you-forget-it type, go ahead and do that. Otherwise, let it slide and move on with your life. That doesn't necessarily mean run right out and find a "replacement" - it means enjoy life and leave yourself open to other people.

[NNadir]

9. My wife insisted she was not interested in a relationship with me.

I think, after 20 years, and two kids, I proved her wrong.

[KeepItReal]

52. That's alright!!

Congrats

[no name no slogan]

10. Join a monastary or convent

No, seriously, you have to move on.

Letting this person have so much control over your feelings is not only unhealthy for you, it is DANGEROUS.

I'm just getting out of a relationship with a woman I could not please no matter what I did-- we'd been together 10 years, married for almost 9. I wasted years of my life trying to make her happy, and only made myself miserable in the process. In fact, that relationship was the major factor in a nervous breakdown I had in May.

Move on. Let it go. You'll only get hurt if you let yourself be dictated by her/his whims. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BLISS. DO NOT let another person rob you of this.

[Ariana Celeste]

11. Taking what you can get only

makes it so much harder on you, and also can make you look desperate... which isn't good for you or the object of your affection.
IMO, it would be good to just pursue some of your interests and do things you enjoy, and try to move on. Not necessarily by cutting ties, but just live your life and try to be happy and keep yourself busy. They may come around some day, they may not. But the best thing to do is focus on you.

Good luck, I know it's hard.

[Dogmudgeon]

12. Weep. Write poetry. Look for other people.

Waiting will drive any sane person nuts; you can try to initiate some kind of change, but it usually fails. Pining is a form of craziness, the inverse of promiscuity. Ya gotta live da Bard's woids "to thine own self be true."

If it's "real", the other person will come looking for you after they regain their senses. But that's not very common.

Mind you, a dozen DUers will commence to post that they met their husbands/wives/SOs that way, after a long period of brokenhearted pining, but they're the happy exceptions. In general, their scenario mainly happens in romance novels. If it happens that way for you, fantastic; otherwise, leave it to the professionals. Like Fabio.

Love is the best cure for being lovelorn. Think about who else you'd like to be involved with, and which other "types" turn you on, and use that to turn your attention outside the problem.

Some people are just unlucky in love, or some aspect of it. For instance, I was falling in love with girls before I hit puberty, but didn't have a real girlfriend until I was 22. After that, I had a lot of girlfriends, but have never been married, though I wanted it the other way around. Nobody gets everything they want, but one usually gets a whole lot more than they really need to be happy. For instance, I'm still on good terms with nearly every woman I've broken up with, and have managed to keep the jadedness and cynicism at bay. I consider myself, overall, a "winner." But I know the score, for myself and for other people, and it ain't good.

It sounds like so much hot air from an old fart, doesn't it? But it's really how it happens. Work to make yourself happy first. That will help you in all situations of success AND loss.

Good luck with the object of your desire, but more importantly, good luck with your personal happiness and fulfillment.

--p!

[Doctor_J]

15. I'm not a cruiser however

I don't hit on every woman I meet. I don't even think I have a "type" - except the Diane Lane type, I guess ;-). And the current thing is really pretty new - hasn't had much of a chance.

[Dogmudgeon]

35. Cruising?

I wasn't referring to cruising -- just natural social encounters with people of all types.

If your crush is pretty new, well, you're much more likely to escape without too much damage. But don't go thinking that any new romantic interest is a form of cruising! Just being around people will present you with many opportunities for crushes, friendships, and romances. As always, it's for you to decide how to respond to any, and all, situations.

Umm ... who's Diane Lane?

--p!

[Doctor_J]

40. I know what you meant

The point is that my first relationship lasted 27 years, and I am not really into wandering around, peeking in doors looking for another one. I don't think being alone would be the worst thing in the world; if I don't get with the one I REALLY want, I'll probably just be OK without.

[Merusault]

14. it's easier said than done.........

but you must move on. You owe it to yourself.

[XNASA]

16. Love unrequited, robs me of me rest,.......

......Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers,
Love, nightmare like, lies heavy of me chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers.

When you're lying awake with a dismal headache and repose is taboo'd by anxiety,

I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety;

For your brain is on fire, the bed-clothes conspire of usual slumber to plunder you:

First your counter-pane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips demurely from under you;

Then the blanketing tickles, you feel like mixed pickles, so terribly sharp is the pricking,

And you're hot and you're cross, and you tumble and toss 'til there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.

Then the bed-clothes all creep to the ground in a heap and you pick 'em all up in a tangle;

Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at it's usual angle!

Well, you get some repose in the form of a dose, with hot eye-balls and head ever aching,

But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very much better be waking;

Etc, etc.

----- Hope that cheered you up a little. At least someone can empathize with you....so much so, that they wrote a song about it a very long time ago.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

17. The trouble with unrequited love is that if you indulge yourself

in it instead of trying to get over it, you end up building a fantasy world that has nothing to do with the actual person.

At its extremes, it can lead to stalker-like behavior. Even at best, it's disrespectful of the other person.

As one who had a stalker during my senior year in college, I can say that the most distressing part was that this guy had built up a fantasy of him as Ward Cleaver and me as June, never mind that I was headed for graduate school.

I've been on the other end, too, and I've found that when I met the objects of my affection again years later, I sometimes don't even LIKE them, which proves that it was all a delusion.

At some point, everyone gets infatuated with someone who can't or won't reciprocate. Maybe the other person is of the wrong sexual orientation for you. Maybe the other person is happily paired with someone else. Maybe the other person is at a point in their lives when a relationship isn't feasible. Maybe the reality of the other person is not what you think it is.

Once you move on, you free yourself to find a lover who reciprocates, and that's the best feeling in the world.

[Dave Reynolds]

18. Baby oil,

and pay-per-view.

Not helpful long-term, but good in a pinch.:P

Sorry, I'm sorry.

[Lilith Velkor]

19. I recommend NyQuil.

Seriously, if the situation hurts too much, move on.

Before you do that, it would be good to tell that person exactly why. He or she may reconsider.

[Deja Q]

20. You get used to it. That's all I've been able to do.

And after 33 years it gets god damn difficult to live with the lonliness of being a pariah best laughed at as anyone would a zoo animal taking a whiz on the ground.

I'll probably go for castration and drugs to exterminate the desires of "love" anyway. They're a nuisance.

[gmoney]

42. The Toad is right... you are well and truly

fucked. And not in the good way.

At least find some way to have a big ugly argument with them, so at least you'll be able to definitely cross them off your list. Being nice and accommodating while waiting your turn will only leave you feeling like shit. Take it from an expert.

"People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with 'Welcome' written on it."
--Andy Partridge, XTC

[Redstone]

21. Cut out the TV, cut to the chase, and if the answer is "no,"

get out.

Life is WAY too short to agonize about this sort of thing.

Redstone

[Elidor]

22. Unrequited love is like food poisoning

It'll pass eventually. In the meantime it's painful.

[Mizmoon]

23. We ladies have a saying ...

The best way to get over one man is to get involved with another one ...

[LastKnight]

24. i know its not what you wanna hear.

but its what youve been hearing in this thread. and its what i will put down just like the others have. move on. explain to the person your situation and the fact that you just cant be that way, in that case something may arise - but in the event that it dosent, you must be willing to make good on your ultimatum. which would be walking away in this case.

not forever, persay; just until you get over this person, and can pursue a friendship on the same level as they are.

that way, if the person just didnt know that you are attracted, they may decide that they wanna be with you, or if they dont... well any reasonable person would understand the need for space at that point, and hold no hard feelings.

[sundog]

25. be depressed

it works well for me :shrug:

[giant_robot]

26. I'm not condoning irresponsible behavior, but...

...I would go into an alcoholic tailspin involving strippers and other things that make me go "woo-hoo!"

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

44. And let's not forget the stalking!

[leftofthedial]

27. try compulsive masturbation and overeating

[sundog]

28. good advice

:thumbsup:

[leftofthedial]

29. popular anyway

[Swede]

31. You forgot heavy drinking.

And recreational drugs.

[leftofthedial]

33. skip the recreational drugs

go right to the industrial strength

[tarkus]

30. Build an aquarium for your loved one, or pretend you are dying.

Sorry, I watched Rushmore AND The Royal Tenenbaums today.

[WCGreen]

32. Part of the reason you have it bad is because you can't

have it......

Look Pal, we have all been there before. Just suck it up and don't fawn all over her....

It's the absolutly worst thing you can do.....

She'll never respect you if your all doey eyed around her. She knows she has your attention but isn;t interested.....

So say what I say when she says she just wants to be friends....

Tell her you have enough friends as it is and that's not what you want out of the relationship.....

She'll either walk away or respect you for standing up and telling her how you really feel.....

It's a risk,,, It's a gamble, you may loose here but hey, you can always sit around mooning over her while she walks all over your heart.....

[GoddessOfGuinness]

34. Take it for what it is...

It's just love. It's wonderful! You're in love. Who knows what will come of it? Who cares? Enjoy loving while you experience this feeling.

If you grow tired of not receiving love in return, that's ok too; but I hope your need to move on doesn't put an end to the love you feel now.

[Bossy Monkey]

36. Some people can exult in it; some are tortured by it. Which are you?

I was the former by the time I hit 30, but before that it was nearly all torture. What I can tell you is that being more aggressive is not going to work and will most likely lose you a friend. If you can enjoy the relationship and your feelings at the level she wants the relationship to be, then there's no reason not to carry on except for the unlikeliness of ultimate success. If it's torture, you need to bail out. You'll find the person you're looking for eventually.

[the_spectator]

37. Go cold turkey -

say good-bye. There's always the chance you could end up like Chuck of Chuck and Naomi: http://www.ljdrama.org/index.php?cat=8

Chuck had unrequited love for Naomi. When Naomi moved to Toronto to be with a boyfriend, although she wanted nothing to do with Chuck, she did need to get her stuff moved across the continent. So Chuck drove it for her, all the way from Seattle. And that's just the start of the story. It really is fascinating once you start to read about it.

[Nikia]

38. There's nothing wrong with friendship

That is all that some people have to offer, either to you in particuliar or to everyone, temporarily or forever. So many people want to be in a "relationship" for all the intense feelings and all the physical stuff and all that the other person can give them and to accomplish the goal of married with children. Their love is based only on intense feelings and a goal. It is not real lasting love. This is love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

Of course love is both things in most happy long term relaionships. Even if there is not "romance" and a "relationship" though, you can have this type of love in a good friendship, if the object of your affection really does want to be friends rather than tolerate your aquaintanceship.
I know that as a single person that being in a "relationship" can seem like an important goal. Go meet other people and pursue potential relationships while you are enjoying your frienship. By the same token, if your friend eventually decides to pursue a relationship with someone else, accept that too. You have to be mature about turning being "in love" into a successful friendship, but it can be done if you really care for the person and aren't just after what I described in the first case.

[Doctor_J]

41. This is sort of where my mind set is

I'd like to keep the friendship going regardless. Having such a person in your life at any level is a good thing. I'll stay her friend and see what happens.

[tjdee]

39. If you love YOURSELF, you will move on right now. At least a month.

Try no contact for a few weeks to a month. It is hard, but if this person is telling you he/she's not ready for a relationship, *listen* to them. Pining over this person won't make it any more likely to happen.

If it's meant to be, it will be whether you're miserable and lose sleep, or whether you take care of *you* by trying to meet others/get over him/her--If it is meant to be, it will be.

And actually, if you have to think of it in terms of the object of your affection--eliminating yourself from this person's life may make them realize how much they value you.

[SarahB]

43. I've never quite experienced that.

I've dealt with (well, in just about every relationship ever except for my latest one) people either thinking I should be different in some way to suit them or be tentative regarding their feelings for me. I deserve more. I am more.

Yeah, I'd say get out your feelings and take chances. If it was meant to be, it will be, but if not, move on. I can give my heart to someone I care about (over and over), but if they can't give it in return, I move on. I've had about enough emotional masochism in life thank you very much.

[DemBones DemBones]

45. If you're still in high school, unrequited love may be

kind of a thrill but beyond that age, I think you need to forget about this person as a love interest. Stay on friendly terms but start seeing more of others and less of this person. You will eventually find someone who will return your love, usually just after you've given up all hope of finding such a person!

[Doctor_J]

47. However, it's possible that she WILL be ready for a

relationship in a few months. There's been some personal upheaval in the very recent past. Once she gets a little distance on that, things could change. And I am a very patient person, who doesn't fall for a woman easily.

[MissHoneychurch]

46. respect her feelings

if you force it you might lose a friend. Or you get hurt worse than the hurt you feel right now. She might pretend something for a while and then drop you. What would be worse?

[KG]

48. relationships are overrated; self love is where it's at.

[RetroLounge]

49. Lock yourself in a dimly lit room

with a bottle of whiskey, The Smiths CD's, and a notebook and pen.

Let happen what happens...

RL

[XemaSab]

50. It's a tough one

If you spend more time around the person, either you will realize that they are an asshole or you will realize that they are PERFECT and you will be that much deeper in the quicksand.

If you make a move, it'll either be status quo or this person will tell you all the ways you suck. Don't ever make another move if you've already let her know how you feel. It's there, she knows it, if she wants to do something about it, she will.

If you go cold turkey and never talk to them again, either you will get over it or you won't.

I've been there. Long time friend who I was MADLY in love with. Finally one day I made my move, and shortly thereafter we got in a huge fight in which he said some really awful things. I couldn't be around him at all after that, and all the memories of the good times we had are forever spoiled. He then got with this chick who was really nasty to him, and the word on the street is that he's doing really badly. The kicker is that though he's an asshole, and I have met other people, they're not him.

Tristan's perfect, he told me I suck, and I'm not over him.

Why, Tristan, WHY??????

[SOteric]

51. Move on.

It always depends on the people and circumstances, but I recall a time in my life when I really wasn't able to work up a relationship and I let someone push me into it against my better judgement. Ultimately, it wasn't a great moment in time for either of us. I understand that people can be frustrated waiting around for a person to get their mojo all revved up. I recommend just moving on. Once you're in it, you're in it.

[Doctor_J]

53. Should I hit her with my full frontal soul-baring before giving up,

or just walk away with the feelings clear, albeit somewhat unspoken?

[yardwork]

54. Don't be afraid to suffer

When you face the fact that it probably isn't going to work out, you're going to feel reeeeeeally bad.

Don't hide from your own feelings. Go ahead and feel bad. Feel really, really bad. Just let it wash over you for however long it takes. Cry. Wail. Moan. In privacy, of course, but do call your other friends and ask for moral support.

It will get better. When it does, get up and look for someone new. Good luck to you.