Someone please tell me if I am right or wrong

[Democracy White]

Should I give in to my nieces and nephew when they want something?

Ok let me tell you,

I went over to my mom's house today to go swimming and I brought along my nephew, Malachi. Just as I was about to leave he said that he wanted to go home instead of staying the night. Well he also wanted me to stop at the store across from my sister's apartments, which isn't really out of the way. However I told him no, that I didn't feel like stopping all over the place and wasting my gas (I am broke right now and only have less than $20 for gas for the rest of the month)plus I was tired and wanted to go straight home and relax after dropping him off at my sister's apartment. Well Malachi became upset and started crying, then he said that he wanted to stay at my mom's house. I said fine. Well he had to climb into my mom's lap and my mom was like "Why can't you just stop by the store and let him get his bug juice?" I explained that I wasn't going to make any stops other than dropping him off and then I am going straight home."

Well let me give you a backstory on my nephew, he's 7 and has ADHD (we suspect, the school tested him and said he was fine)I hate to say this but his constant chattering and hyperness really gets under my nerves. I don't hate the kid, I love him dearly but he just can be wearisome. When I was swimming he kept hanging all over me when I attempted to dive to the bottom of the deep end. When I surfaced I would feel him kick me and it scared me. I have told him many times to keep away because I didn't like someone crowding up on me in the pool or otherwise. (I have always been like that and to everyone not just the kids) I feel that he and my nieces are very spoiled and undisciplined. And what really grates me is when I yell at the kids because of some inappropriate behavior or when I am eating and they keep trying to get my food without asking or hang all over me when I am eating. This is a habit they learned since they were babies. Anyways when I tell them "No" or I get snippy with them, my sister and my mom get on my back about it, but my sister yells at them far more than I do, she even curses at them and says other abusive things but then she has the gall to get on me if I do it (I try not to curse at them or belittle them though)

I don't hate kids, I just can't stand to be around them for a long time. I am not the type to ever have kids although I sometimes wish and wonder what it would like to have a genetic offspring. I could never raise kids on my own as I would be very, very abusive and I pray that I never have any. Sounds cruel does it? Like I said I don't hate my nieces and nephew. I love them dearly and wish to see the best for them, I just can't handle being around them.

Ok I am done, I just needed to get this off my chest. I am just sick and tired of being played as the cruel villaness in this situation, I mean and I right in not wanting to take him to the store or am I being too selfish?

Dee

[XanaDUer]

1. You're human

and allowed to be broke and tired.

What's bug juice?

[Democracy White]

2. I know but I feel

like I am taken advantage of so many times. I feel that when my sister and my mom are together I am treated like a third wheel. I think that they treat me as somewhat as a servant for example if they ask me to get something for them out of the house but they are too lazy to get up themselves and get it, but if I protest or tell them to get it themselves, they either make up an excuse or they'll get mad at me. Most of the time it's both and they are really really really good at making me feel guilty. Our whole family as learned the art of guilty trips, I don't know if I do it put I probably do.

I just felt it this Fourth of July. I was feeling depressed and left out. (I am hard of hearing and when I am swimming I have to wear earplugs since I also suffer from Swimmer's Ear.)I feel that when my sister and my mom are talking but I somehow missed part of the conversation they won't tell me what it is or tell me it's not my business. Also they would tell me that they would tell me later but they never do. I feel left out.

Anyways on the 4th I was feeling very low that I was suicidal. I think I may have had a mini- mental breakdown but I am not sure. Well it came to the point that I actually went and bashed my head on a tree stump. I can't remember what prompted it all I know is that I had to do it, it was a form of release and self-punishment though I am not sure what I was punishing myself for.

So that is how I feel. Damn now I'm crying a bit. I guess if my mom were here she would tell me that I am trying to get attention and that I am feeling sorry for myself.

At least I am seeing my counselor next week.


Dee

[XanaDUer]

6. Do you ever tell them this?

That you feel left out and disturbed by what they do sometimes?

If you have and they persist, it may be best to find a supportive circle of friends and hang with them instead.

I have a family member I just had to reject due to his psychopathic behavior. It's tough to do, but sometimes you just gotta.

:hug:

[Democracy White]

11. Yes I have but

they still don't seem to understand. They accuse me of either wanting to be the center of attention (my mom) or that I am whining too much (my sister)
Even after having been in Pine Rest (almost went back there on the Fourth) the year before that they still haven't tried to make the effor to understand what I am going through. I find that it is better NOT to talk about my feelings to them otherwise I am going to get some kind of snippy or accusatory answer. My mom even tells me to stop and/or that she doesn't want to hear about it.

As far as friends, I really don't have any.

Dee

[LynzM]

3. Hrm... my thoughts

It's not wrong to not give in, it's bad to be a pushover. If you say no, mean it. Let him learn that you, at least, mean what you say. Whining and begging don't change that. Give him a semblance of consistancy from one adult in his life. You don't have to be mean about it, just firm.

Most 7 year olds are chatterboxes... maybe he has ADHD, maybe not. It sounds like maybe he doesn't get a lot of positive attention, and therefore the attention from being a chatterbox is better than none, at all.

Just my two cents, of course. I don't think you were wrong for what you did in that situation.

[XanaDUer]

5. I second that advice

...

[Democracy White]

12. Oh I give in every now and then

I am not a mean old ogre. I buy things for them and even get them food when there isn't any in the apartment. (If I have money at least) The thing I hate is when I buy something from a fast food place and go over there and eat, the kids tend to hang over me, stare at me or try to manipulate me into giving them some. And they usually have had dinner!!!

It is true that Malachi doesn't get alot of attention and he just loves to talk, it's just when it gets wearisome and you tell him that he needs to calm down, he doesn't. He screams when he gets excited and we often have to tell him to be quiet and he also acts bad at the store. Just like yesterday when I was shopping for food with my sister and her friend, Malachi kept running around. He also wanted me to buy him a few things and I couldn't because I had very little money and need to get my groceries. It may be true that I am telling him 'no' alot but I don't always do that.

My mother usually gives and so does my sister, hence I think he is spoiled, so when I say no they all jump on me about it, like with the food thing above, if Jalena or Alionah or Malachi wants a french fry and I don't feel like lending them some, then I am accused of being selfish. Also the kids, especially Alionah and Jalena have a habit of hanging over me and staring at my food like a couple of hungry puppies (They've had dinner or about to have dinner)They also have a habit of taking a drink or taking bites of my food without my permission. I try to get on them about asking first.
My sister has even said in front of me when I refused to share my food to not "Ask Aunt Cussy for some food cause she doesn't want to share." Guilt trip and I usually give in.

Dee

[mongo]

4. Sounds like the kids never learned any boundries or disipline

which is not your fault. Going to the store to buy something is a reward for good behavior. Not a demand to be given into.

[Tallison]

7. It's good you know your personal limits...

Sounds like in the presence of your mom and sister that it's easy for you to second guess those limits, but if you don't, next thing you'll become resentful and have an even bigger conflict on your hands, both internal and interpersonal with the family. Take it easy on yourself. You did the right thing by everyone. Feelings are not facts.

[khashka]

8. It's OK to say no

Kids need limits. Feel free to set them and stand by them.

I know what you mean though. Thank Goddess I had my daughter so young, because I just do not have the energy to deal with my nephew.

Khash.

(By the way, I like your drawings. I've noticed them before but didn't realize you had done them. Cool!)

[fishnfla]

9. They're kids, what are you gonna do?

they are gonna act in childish ways


but whats with the "very, very abusive" ?

[Democracy White]

13. Oh Lord do you really want to know?

I have a hell of a mean streak when it comes to kids.

I don't know why as my nature is usually of a kind and demure way.
Before I went to Pine Rest in early 2004 I used to be a night person. I would sleep all day and then be up all night. I prefer to be like that but my schedule changed since I was in Pine Rest.

Anyways a couple years before that I was babysitting my sister's kids for pay from the state. I had to go in the morning, now remember I was usually up most of the night. Well when they got to be too much to handle, I literally screamed at them. It seemed like I was threatening them with the spatula every five minutes. I even put them in a corner. I remember putting Malachi in the corner for running and walking on the couch, a habit that has never been broken yet, my sister doesn't even really get on him about that. Anyways he was whining about not wanting to be in the corner and I told him that if he kept whining he would stay in there longer. During this I felt some kind of pleasure or power from it.

I have never thrown or really hit the kids but I have been verbally abusive to them. I have told Malachi that he was stupid, dumb and other things of that sort. I have told the kids that I couldn't stand them. My sister has done the same, even remarking while my nieces were taking a bath one day that she hoped that they would drown.

Sometimes when I am over at my sister's or when they are over at my mom's and I am there. Like today for example Malachi was hanging all over me in the pool. I was trying to dive to the bottom and everytime I surfaced I felt him kicking or something and it hurt. I yelled at him to stay away and that he was getting on my nerves. Sometimes I have urges to pick the kids up and throw them or to pinch their arms really hard. Sometimes I want to punch them in the mouth to get them to stop talking or I have an ugly urge to belittle them and then there are other dark thoughts that I have that I really don't want to confront.

I don't know why I have this evilness in me. I was never really abused by my mother. The only thing I can think of is when my mom's ex-boyfriend Mike U. was around when I was 5-8 years old. He was somewhat abusive to me physically and I am not going to go into a whole story about it. I was corporeally punished every now and then but nothing to the extreme. I was a little hellion myself so I can't see why I am having a hard time with Malachi and my nieces. My mom tells me I was much worse and I do have some memories of it.

Maybe it's a past life or lives. Maybe it's a sick control thing, I don't know, I never really talked about it much.

I do know however that if I became pregnant I want to have the option of abortion, no adoption, that's just more psychological stress for me. I'd rather have the kind interest in letting that soul, should there be one, enter someone more suitable.

Dee

[Pepperbelly]

10. they apparently like you ...

That isn't a bad thing.

[eaprez]

14. so then don't be around them then.

[LynneSin]

15. Man you don't want to give a kid like that bug juice

that stuff is 110% pure sugar and would only make him worse.

You were right but unfortunately too many kids are overly spoiled and not use to someone telling them "no". You did the right thing

[Democracy White]

19. Thank you so much

I don't think my mom and sister realize how much they are spoiling the kids. They then have the audacity to talk about how kids are unspoiled and I'm thinking to myself, "and?" I have mentioned to my mom that Malachi and the kids are bad but then she denies it. Gah!! I hate it when people say one thing and then do another!!!

I don't like spankings, I was spanked as a kid but I do agree that it is necessary at certain times. I simultaneously cringe and also have a "good you deserve it" kind of mentality.

I'm just twisted up.

Dee

[evlbstrd]

16. You are not wrong.

You are trying to place limits on the kids, which, apparently, they don't have otherwise.

I've got the same problem, but worse. My wife has never backed me on limits for our son. Now, he's fifteen and I had to kick them both out of my house. She hasn't been able to keep a steady job for years, and never refused him anything he wanted. For saying no, I am now a monster, and nobody needs my money or house. Funny. My wife is back because she has no money or place to stay, and my son is living with his aunt, who has successfully applied a curfew and other responsibilities. It's all about having backup from the adults in the kids' lives.
Anybody need a slightly used wife?

[Not_Giving_Up]

17. As the parent of an ADHD Aspie kid...

You did the right thing. He has to learn that when you say no, you mean it.

[Democracy White]

20. I grew up with ADHD and Asperger's

just found out about the Asperger's just a few years ago and I really have ADD now more than ADHD. I grew up in hell and I can't tell you how much I empathize with your kid.

I have a question though, do you try to control your kid's behavior? I mean my mom will give me one of her stern looks if I happen to start talking about something that she deems inappropriate, which I don't know what, perhaps sexual talk with someone whom I trust? I don't go around talking about sex lol I just when the conversation steers that way I usually will jump in. Also if I happen to be on one of my interests (politics being it right now) I tend to get into a conversation and then my mom cuts me off telling me it's enough. Also she reprimands me if I talk to one of her friends in dialysis and tells me that the person doesn't want to be bothered even when the person in question doesn't say anything, such as "I want to get back to watching TV." or something.
It seems she puts me down whenever I bring up something about my interest, like for example when I was eating there yesterday, we somehow got on the topic of reality shows and I pondered about the show "Wife Swap" was going to come back on or not. I mentioned about one particular episode that featured this black Republican bitch and I said I wonder what my stepdad would do if she was around. My mom goes "Oh quit talking about it, you just want to talk about it cause she's a republican woman." Well I will tell you that I felt embarrassed and ashamed because I have talked about something that was in point of my interest and also something that was unforgetable.

Well that's how she cuts me down, I have been in counseling for over a year and I have been talking about her and how she tries to shape my behavior. I have been trying to get above that and make her understand that I am me and I need to be responsible for my behavior but so far it isn't working.

Dee

[Kathleen04]

18. I think you did the right

thing when it comes to the kids. It sounds like your mother and sister need to take a cue from you and learn to be a little more firm and consistent with them.

Your mother and sister sound like they are being constantly negative toward you. Do you live with them? I think you may have to re-access how much time you spend with them if they haven't responded to you calling out their behavior. I'm not suggesting that you cut ties, I'm just suggesting that you shouldn't subject yourself to that negative atmosphere 24/7 if it can be avoided. It sounds like they are really belittling you and cutting you down and you don't deserve that. :hug:

[Democracy White]

21. No I don't live with

I live with my father who is a case in itself. I am nuber 3 on a waiting list at some subsidized housing and I am praying really hard that I get in there soon.

I feel I have no freedom with anyone around me, perhaps that is why I am such a loner. I hate all of the psychodrama that goes with being with relatives. If I had money and a way to leave, I'd move into the Castro district in SF or to Canada. Unfortunately Canada won't take someone who is unable to work full time. I don't think they have a disabilty program like here in the States

Dee

[hfojvt]

22. I would offer to teach the kid a song, it goes like this

"you can't always get what you want
you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometime, you just might find,
you get what you need."