Family row re: politics.....advice? (warning: long & possibly dull)

[Coventina]

Here's the situation:

My sister, her husband & I are very liberal. In fact my BIL is also a member here (:hi:)

My father is very conservative. Been Republican all his life, very staunch, voted for Bush twice, etc. Basically, he likes everything about Bush except the Iraq war.

My mother is deceased.

My grandmother (father's mother) is a life-long conservative Democrat.

My father recently began dating a woman we have all yet to meet.

My sister and I were taking Grandma shopping the other day & she had photos of this new woman so she showed us. I joked, "Well, as long as she's not a right-wing wacko I'm prepared to love her." It was totally meant as a joke, because everything I've heard about her indicates that she's probably more liberal than my dad is. In fact, I think I was even laughing as I said it.

Yesterday, I received an angry phone call from my dad! Apparently Grandma had repeated my comment to him and he took great offense. He then proceeded to lecture me about how he is sick of us talking politics all the time, and he's especially offended by the bumper stickers on my sister & BIL's vehicles.

I was just kind of stunned at the time, and just tried to pacify him for the most part. But after it was all over I started to get madder and madder. At one point my dad said, "If you want to divide this family over politics, then fine! Consider it divided!"


I told my sister the whole story, and she's pretty pist. Both she & BIL think my dad's a jerk for yelling at me about their bumper stickers (& I'm inclined to agree). She wants to call my dad & confront him on this.

My only reservations about her doing that are:

1) I'm also angry at my Grandma for "tattling" on me to my dad to "get me in trouble". If my sister calls my dad, does that put me in the position of what I'm angry at my grandmother for?

2) I'm also concerned that the situation might escalate and we may end up a family divided. I've already lost my mother. "Losing" my father as well is a little bit of a heavy trip. But if it came down to choosing between my sister, who I love most in the world next to my husband, my dad doesn't stand a chance.

I'm just not sure what to do, if anything. Any thoughts?

I also promised to do a small favor for my Grandmother, but now that I feel stabbed in the back, I'm sort of dis-inclined to do it for her. I'm afraid that's being petty, though. What do you think?

Oh, and my sister suggested I call Grandma and confront her about the "tattling", but then I'm afraid if I do that, she'll just tell my dad AGAIN and I'll be in "more trouble."

Ok, I'm done.

on edit: clarity

[trotsky]

1. First, some cooling-off time.

A couple of weeks if possible.

Then, rather than call your dad, write him a letter. A letter can come off a lot calmer and more informative than a phone call.

[Coventina]

2. Unfortunately, not possible

We're having the big "meeting the new woman" get-together on Monday.

And it's not possible to delay it for logistical reasons.

[XemaSab]

3. Tell your dad it was a joke

and even though you don't agree with him politically, he's still your dad.

Don't worry about your grandma, she probably didn't do it to get you in trouble.

Why does your dad care what stickers you have on your car? Why is that any of his business?

[SmokingJacket]

4. I'm in the "smooth-over" camp when it comes to family.

My entire family is nuts. Many of them are incredible rightwingers. Nevertheless, I still love them (for some reason) and go out my way to pretends it's all normal. I feel sorry for them: they're rightwingers because of personality problems and personal failure, IMHO.

We do NOT discuss politics. We all agree it's off limits. Even my radical liberal grade-school-aged sons know not to discuss Bush. I don't want my kids to have divided loyalties.

Don't get mad at Grandma. She shouldn't have gossiped, but she's old; forgive her. I say apologize to your dad (even though you were NOT in the wrong; do it to be nice) and never discuss politics in front of him again.

I take my political wars to people outside my family. I'll never change my relatives, anyway. ;-)

[hickman1937]

5. Gotta wonder why Dad went off the deep end.

If it were me I'd be a little less inclined to like this woman. If Dad is willing to divide the family over her, before you've even met her, something doesn't feel right about the whole thing.

[woofless]

6. Sounds like Dad is having trouble with his own beliefs.

He is probably feeling the heat and lashing out. It cannot be easy to stand behind Shrubby unless you are a dunce. Tell him you love him. I bet it will all blow over. Good luck.

Woof

[kerry-is-my-prez]

7. Sounds like your Dad is feeling deluged.

n/t

[kerry-is-my-prez]

8. How do you know that your Grandma was doing it to "rat" you out?

n/t

[Coventina]

9. Well, my dad said that she was upset by the comment

& that's why she brought it up to him.

Apparently, she didn't have the guts to ask ME about it.

:eyes:

[kerry-is-my-prez]

11. I have the same problem with my Dad - arguing about poltics.

We used to get along with each other. I think there is more involved than just politics in our cawse, though. My whole family are rabid Republicans.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

10. More likely than not this new woman is important to your dad

and it is important to him that you accept her and that is what set him off..since he may have felt politics could be a back door to you not accepting someone he cares about.

It's as hard for a parent to introduce a date to their kids if not MORE difficult than the reverse.

Your grandmother may not have said what she said maliciously..or it may just have slipped out.

Let your dad know you are happy he met someone and that you would be happy he found companionship even if it were Barbara Bush.

Tell him you love him in spite of your political differences...then just avoid the subject of politics on Monday.

Do not take the stickers off your car, however. YOu have a right to your self-expression even if he doesn't appreciate it and if he says anything else about that, then tell him that is where you draw the line...that you are willing to leave politics out of family get-togethers..but not at the expense of your self-expression elsewhere in life.

[Coventina]

14. Hi NSMA! Would I *really* have to accept Babs?

:D

No, I seriously don't think I have many worries about this woman.
She's an elementary school teacher of music on an Apache reservation.
Seems like a pretty "liberal" type to me.

She's a recent divorcee, which actually causes me a little more concern than anything else. I'm just hoping she's not "on the rebound" & my dad ends up getting hurt.

We will *definitely* avoid politics on Monday, & probably for a long time into the future.

But about the bumper stickers....he was complaining about my SISTER's car, not mine. Which was part of the reason I was so burned up about getting yelled at over them.

[xmas74]

12. Tell him it was a joke.

Let him know that it wasn't meant as an insult. When you made the comment you meant that you hope that the new woman in his life is a solid person and not someone to go over the deep end (and tell him that it could also apply to someone who is too left-leaning also). Also tell him that you are nervous about meeting someone new (most people will understand that) and that you meant that comment as a joke. What you really meant was that you hope that she is the kind of person who can get along w/ everyone (politics aside) and that you really want to like her. Then let him know that all political discussions are over.
We don't usually talk politics in my family either so I can understand how a family can get up in arms over it.

[caty]

13. Never--never--never

discuss religion or politics with relatives. If they discuss it, just sit back and shut up. If they try to pull you in, tell them you don't discuss these topics with relatives. They may not like it, but they can't use anything you say against you.:banghead: You can't win either way, but you are a bigger loser if you get drawn into the conversation.

[Felix Mala]

15. What do the bumper stickers say? Also, can everyone agree to

take themselves a little less seriously? Doing damage to your family isn't going to help and we're all going to need our families when the sh*t really hits the fan.

[Coventina]

16. The one my dad really blew his stack over was:

A VOTE FOR BUSH IS A CHARACTER FLAW

[caty]

17. I love that!!

:rofl: