I need some marital advice!!!!!!!

[liss681]

O.K. this is going to be a long post, but nobody I know is willing to help me with this problem, so I figured maybe some of you who have been married or in a long relationship could give me some advice...

I have been with my husband for seven years and we have a six year old daughter together. We have both agreed that we would not have stayed together if I had not gotten pregnant, but we did love each other. There have been a few times that he has kicked me out of the house, and one time I left him for three months to be with an ex, but for the past three years things have been okay between us.

Yesterday he tells me that he does not think that I am happy with him and that maybe we made a mistake getting married. Today he asked me flat out if I want a divorce, and earlier today I was online and saw that he had been looking at websites that deal with divorce.

I recently started college and I think that he feels threatened because now I am more independent and I do not feel like I have to depend on him to survive. I have also lost a lot of weight and am more confident with myself. So here is my question: do you think he really feels it is me or do you think he is projecting his feelings on to me? Should I just leave him or try to figure this out?

Feel free to ask me any questions about the situation before giving me advice! I realize this is a very personal thing, and I would not ask for your help if my friends and family were willing to give me advice.

[Lex]

1. Since you have a kid, you owe it to her to go get marriage counseling

.
together (you and your spouse) and try to sort out what is really going on.

JMHO.

[WCGreen]

4. I agree....

See the counselor. They can get you to talk about things you might not have ever said to each other...

After that, you have about a fifty fifty chance...

But really, the question you have to ask yourself is do you love him and do you want to spend the rest of your life with him......

[DELUSIONAL]

11. This is the best advice -- go -- they are trained to handle this

type of life change.

Get references -- find a good one -- excellent marriage counselors are out there who will listen and help.

[Maddy McCall]

2. Do not take advice about something this serious from strangers on the net.

Visit a counselor. Talk to your pastor. Talk to anyone who knows you.

You will end up more confused than you began if you allow DUers to sway you one way or the other.

[dhinojosa]

24. That's good advice....

hehe

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I agree with Lex...

Get thee to a marriage counselor. It sounds as though your husband is threatened by your new changes...some men are. But a marriage counselor can really help you get to the bottom of it.

[liss681]

7. He has a real problem with counseling

he doesn't buy into the whole counseling thing, so I don't think that will help!

[Crazy Guggenheim]

10. There's the answer. Take it from there.

[Spinzonner]

23. Perhaps he might be persuaded to go

if it's presented that it is to help the two of you figure out what's the best for both of you and your child and not specifically or necessarily to achieve a particular result, in particular preserving the marriage.

He may fear that if saving the marriage is the inteneted result he will be backed into a corner and made to be that bad guy if he feels uncertain or differently. He may feel less threatened and resistant by an open ended goal.

In effect, he doesn't have to buy into a result, just a process.

[skygazer]

32. Go alone then

If nothing else, it will help you find ways to figure out where this is coming from so you can make a more informed decision. You're making a decision for both yourself and your child - it has to be the right one.

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. Find a counselor

[thinkingwoman]

6. this man has kicked you out of the house

a "few times?"

Uh.

Hmmm.

I am trying to restrain my response due to a profound lack of knowledge of the details of your situation.

Maybe you could elaborate?

P.S. I'll be celebrating 10 yrs with my 2nd husband this fall. My 1st marriage ended after 7 yrs and 2 kids. I thought kicking him to the curb would be the end of the world, but it was only the beginning.

[liss681]

18. What would you like to know?

[thinkingwoman]

22. why would you put up with that?

Isn't it your house too? How does he get to kick you out?

A free word of advice about marriage counselors and saving a marriage...counseling only works if:

1. Both people accept counseling and work hard at it, and,
2. Both people want to save the marriage.

If he is asking you for a divorce and looking up information, I suggest hiring a lawyer. You can always choose not to divorce later. Hiring a lawyer protects you and your children.

I hope I don't sound too harsh, because I don't mean to be. I'm just trying to be as blunt as I wish people had been with me all those years ago. I tried counseling with my ex. I tried everything. He tried nothing, and then he blamed it all on me.


I'm much happier without him. He's already divorced wife #2.

Oh, and one more thing...don't listen to people who tell you that you "owe it to your children" to try this or that or stick it out or any other such nonsense. What you owe to your children is a safe and loving home environment...that's not happening if mommy is kicked out a few times.

Do you have any questions for me?

[liss681]

25. hmmm...

How hard is it to be a single parent?

How much is a good lawyer going to cost me?

Maybe I'm just scared to leave him because I would have to go live with my parents (I don't have a job) and it would be hard financially... is that really selfish of me? Plus my daughter would have to change schools...

By the way, at the time he kicked me out, I wasn't his wife... I just came home with my daughter to find him in bed with another woman and then he told me to leave.

As for my daughter, he does not really spend time with her, so I'm not sure if it would affect her all that much.

[thinkingwoman]

26. oh, my, I can relate

I know exactly how you feel about having to go live with your parents.

I won't lie. It's damned hard to be a single parent. But, honestly, you may be one already. Take a good look at your day-to-day life. Who actually cares for your daughter?

Despite recent cuts to welfare and all other social programs, there is still help out there for you.

You're in college right? Ask TOMORROW about housing assistance, increased financial aid, etc. Be honest about your situation and beg them to help you help yourself if you have to.

A good lawyer will cost you a fortune. Luckily, a relatively good lawyer can probably assist you just fine for a reasonable fee, or with a payment plan.

Finally, if you HAVE to go live with your parents, look at it this way...is that really worse than what you have now?

I hestitated for years because of those same concerns. I was scared to death. I endured other women. Hell, I even cheated as well--I'm no saint. Finally I decided to grow up, get a job, and get the hell out.

The day we officially separated I didn't eat or sleep. I thought I might throw up or pass out. I shook. I cried. It was absolutely dreadful.

Now, 10 years later, I can honestly tell you that it was the best day of my life...the day I started actually living.

Start tomorrow researching your options. Don't wait. Protect yourself and your daughter.

Good luck.

[liss681]

27. Thanks for your advice

I think that I have known I should leave for a long time, but I am just scared to do it. I really do deserve better than him, and it's nice to talk to someone who has been through it. Thanks again! :)

[thinkingwoman]

28. you're welcome

You know your situation, and your heart. Trust yourself, and take care of yourself.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk again later.

[RedCloud]

33. Excellent train of thought thinkingwoman!

:toast:

[Greyhound]

29. Abso-freaking-lutely!

Maybe he thinks you're getting ready to split & is insecure, or he thinks he can do better, either way it's on his mind & a good lawyer is mandatory. Just find out how to protect yourself in case.

Sorry :dilemma:

[Chicago Democrat]

8. aw.... well what do you want?

Do you love him?

[liss681]

15. Ummm, as a friend but I am not "in love"

he has treated me really badly in the past, but we do have a daughter together, and I feel obligated to at least try and work it out.

[enigmatic]

9. Please don't seek advice here

Seriously. There are alot of people w/ axes to grind not only here, but on the internet in general. Try to find a consulor or other professional help; good luck.

[Chicago Democrat]

14. Yes, I agree with him.. don't look here...

think of the daughter.. don't act in an emotional state.

[Floogeldy]

12. Communication problem.

Both of you need to honestly communicate with each other, without anger, jealousy or selfishness.

I know, that is easier said than done. But give it a shot. Be bigger than him and more giving. See if it breaks him down.

If this doesn't work . . . well, you know what to do.

Sorry to hear because I'm worried about the child. :-(

[Frances]

13. I would guess (and it's only a guess)

that he is afraid that you will leave him now that you have lost weight and are going to college.

You say that you do love each other. And you do have a child together. It seems obvious that you should tell your husband that you would like for the two of you to go for marriage counselling because you want to stay married to him (providing that is true).

[Chicago Democrat]

16. He is the father of yur child and wil be involved no matter what (hopefuly

the question is can you two get along?

[liss681]

20. We don't really talk to each other anymore

so it's pretty easy to get along!

[madaboutharry]

17. You do need counseling

There seems to be a lot of things that need to be said in a professional setting. I agree with everyone else who is telling you to see a marriage counselor.

[LiberalFighter]

19. First question is do you love him?

Second question is does he love you?

Third question does he want to be married to you?

Fourth question do you want to be married to him?

Fifth question if you still want to be married to him and you love him then find out if he is willing to go to marriage counseling.

Sixth question why does he feel that you are not happy with him?

Answer any other question that has any bearing on your situation.


If you go to marriage counselor make sure you cover the issue of why you have started college. If it doesn't have anything to do with being unhappy with your marriage make sure it comes out.

[liss681]

21. He says he thinks we made a mistake

getting married, so I'm guessing that he might not want to be married anymore.

I do not want to be married to him if this is how our relationship is going to be.

He will not go to counseling for anything.

He says he wants me to be like I was when we met... I was 16! Of course I have changed in the past seven years... it's called growing up!

I started college because getting an education is important to me. We had discussed it for a long time and he kept saying, "maybe someday." Well I got sick of hearing it and finally signed up without him agreeing to it. I also started school because the times he kicked me out I had problems finding a job because I had no experience. I think it was probably subconsciously a way out in case he left me again.

[LiberalFighter]

31. Then how does he know that he is doing the right thing with a divorce?

It may be required in your state that counseling must be completed before an attempt to divorce is allowed by the court. Counseling doesn't just help keep a couple together it also determines if the relationship will not work. It will either let both know what the issues are that are causing the problems and whether anything can help. It will be easier for him to discuss it easier through counseling.

As for him wanting you to be like you were when you both met... what about him? Is he the same? Does he believe that he wouldn't change during his lifetime? You both have a responsibility to become better individuals for each other and your child(ren) and other people in your lives.

Does he really remember what you were like when you were 16? Time changes the perception of what was. Does he think that you wouldn't change when you both got married and lived together? Does he think that you wouldn't change when you had a child?

Has he done anything to make himself a different (better) person? Why did he make the changes?

The only living things that don't change are... wait a minute I was going to say living things without a brain but even inanimate objects change through time. But those with a brain continually change because of the experiences that one goes through in life. How does he figure that a person stops changing at a point in life? Why didn't he continue to be the type of person he was when he was 2 years old? 8 years old? Why should 16 years be the magic age?

[flamingyouth]

30. I think from reading this thread that he wants a divorce.

I hope you don't take that as a wet-blanket reply because it could actually be a good thing for the both of you and your child. It sounds like both of you have been unsure about your partnership, given the fact that he has kicked you out and that you returned to an ex.

Perhaps marriage counseling could help you both. If not to mend your marriage, but at least to help each of you decide what you want and what is best for your daughter.

I think it's great that you have just started college! Congrats to you on this big step in your life. You should be very proud!!

I wish you all the best. :hug:

[Corey_Baker08]

34. I Agree....