Musician joke thread

[pdx_prog]

I heard this one on the radio yesterday...


What is the definition of on optimist?

An acordian player with a pager..


(ba da pop.....)

[SheepyMcSheepster]

1. great musicians don't die

they decompose...........

[pdx_prog]

3. Bwahaha...

[muriel_volestrangler]

2. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

...










A drummer.

[VelmaD]

5. Heee...one of my dearest friends uses that one on me...

all the time. I always respond with:

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

You can tune up a lawn mower. *snort*

[pdx_prog]

6. Someone posted some drummer jokes a while back that were really good...

There was a fatal airplane crash the other day.....killed three musicians, and a drummer...



HOw can you tell if there is a drummer at your door?

The knock slows down...

lol

[AllegroRondo]

22. Another drummer joke (long)

A drummer dies and goes to heaven.

St Peter takes him on the tour, shows him all the great things you can see and do. After the tour, Peter asks him "So, what would you like to do first?"

The drummer says "Well, I really enjoy playing the drums. Do you have a place where musicians can practice?"

"Sure!" says Peter, and takes him to the music building.
"Here, we have thousands of music rooms. You can practice by yourself, or play with any of the great musicians that have passed on."

The drummer looks around, and hears something familiar. Some great drummer is playing.

He walks down a hall following the sound, and ends up outside a door. Inside, he hears the familiar drumming of his idol, Buddy Rich.

"Wow!" he says to Peter, "I didn't know Buddy Rich was here!"

"He's not" says Peter. "Thats just God. He thinks he's Buddy Rich"

[ewagner]

4. Oldest one in the book

Doctor, doctor, my oboe player swallowed his reed, what should I do?!? '


Doctor: "Ummmmm, use a muted trumpet?"

ba doomp pa!

[MN ChimpH8R]

7. A few

You see a tuba player and a turtle out on a Saturday night - what's the difference between them?

The turtle is on his way to a gig...

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola burns longer.


How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to do it and three to say "That's not the way Jaco would have done it, man."

[cosmik debris]

8. Why do violin players use a handkerchief on their shoulder?

Violins don't have "spit valves"

[pdx_prog]

11. lol...

[leftofthedial]

9. what do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

homeless

[pdx_prog]

10. hahaha...that one really hits home...lol

[AllegroRondo]

12. More - from a former musician

How can you tell the trombone player's kids on the playground?


They cant work the slide and dont know how to swing.
----------------------

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?


it took an hour to get the drummer out.
----------------------

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?


one - he holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
----------------------

How do you get a tuba player off your porch?


pay him for the pizza.
----------------------

What do you do with a musician with no rythm?


give him two sticks an make him a drummer.

what do you do when he still cant play?


take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.

[midnight armadillo]

13. Here's one

What's the difference between a trombone player driving a car and a frog driving a car? The frog is more likely to be on the way to a gig.


How do you make a trombonist's car more aerodynamic? Remove the Domino's sign from the roof.

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless.

How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

[stopbush]

14. What does a trombone player say when he gets to his gig?

"Do you want fries with that?"

How do you know when a viola section is at your front door?

Nobody knows when to come in.

How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer.

[pdx_prog]

15. nobody knows when to come in....priceless....

[PittPoliSci]

24. How do you tune bagpipes?

Nobody's ever figured it out.

[AllegroRondo]

30. Why do bagpipers walk while they play?

to get away from the noise.

[EFerrari]

31. LOL! I guess this cello would make a nice bonfire.

:)

[stopbush]

16. How do you get a guitarist to play softly?

Put some sheet music in front of him.

What's the definition of a "6-9" chord?

That's when the root of the bass is in the soprano.

[AllegroRondo]

17. Whats brown and sits on a piano?

Beethoven's last movement.

[billyskank]

19. Hahaha!

:D

[I Know How To Do it]

18. What does a Stripper do with her asshole every morning?

Drops him off at Band practice.

[billyskank]

20. What is the best sound a viola makes?

Splash.



What's the best thing about a drum solo?

It means the bass solo is over.

[Dora]

27. Love it!

[I Know How To Do it]

21. What's the difference between a savings Bond and a Drummer?

A savings bond will eventually mature and make money.

[gmoney]

23. Difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four...

[bertha katzenengel]

25. For the kids: What's the Musician's Motto for crossing the street?

C# or Bb

[SouthoftheBorderPaul]

26. I heard it told...

"What do you call a trombone player with a cell phone?"

"An optimist."

[Floogeldy]

28. How can you tell when there is a lead singer at your door?

He doesn't know when to come in and can't find the key.

:)

[anarch]

29. ok, so a rock band is auditioning for a big-time record producer...

and the guitarist is thinking, "man, we're gonna be huge! I'll be rich and can have all the fancy houses I want!"

the singer is thinking, "awesome! We'll be rich and famous, I can buy all the sports cars I want."

the bass player is thinking, "We're gonna be rich, I can get all the chicks I want."

and the drummer is thinking, "one...two...three...four...one...two...three...four."

[Blue-Jay]

32. What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?

It is when you throw an accordian in the garbage can and it lands on top of a set of bagpipes.

(told to me by a piper)

[Karenina]

33. What's the difference between a singer and a terrorist?

You can REASON with a terrorist. :evilgrin: