Tell us about the funniest wedding you've seen

[LibraLiz1973]

About 10 years ago, my older cousin married her boyfriend of 5 years.
This was touted to be THE wedding of the decade. Well over 300 people, 12 bridesmaids, a chic place for the reception... you know the drill- parents in debt for tens of thousands, gaudiness galore etc.


So I get to the church & the first thing I notice is that the entire bridal party is outside drinking. They have a KEG in the church parking lot. They are also doing shots of Vodka.

The wedding goes off basically ok. We get to the reception place & things start to go south. One of the bridesmaids cant stop crying because her boyfriend left her, another one falls & breaks her shoe, one of the groomsmen slaps his girlfriend... The food is served & it is AWFUL. I mean god awful. The bride and groom are getting MAJORLY trashed. Of course at this point it's time to dance to "Danny Boy". The groom went to dip the bride, & dropped her on her ass. Things just kept getting lamer and lamer. A few hours in the groom was so drunk, he ATE a good portion of the bridal bouqet. He topped that off by barfing on the front of her dress.

The next day my aunt got a call from the reception site..... 2 paintings had been stolen from one of the rooms- 1 was worth $2,000.
About 15 chairs had been thrown over the balcony & were busted.
Someone had lit some of the table coverings on fire. And one of the toilets in the ladies room was completely clogged with poop, pee, tampons & vomit.


My aunt & uncle ended up paying SIX THOUSAND dollars in damages.

And the happy couple? They woke up the next morning and went to Hawaii & enjoyed a 2 week honeymoon. That was about all they got though, because the marriage was over 10 months later.

[TlalocW]

1. Two friends of mine from college got married

He's an atheist, and she's a lapsed Catholic, but they had a Catholic ceremony to appease her father. The groom is one of the fastest thinking individuals I know.

I guess if you're going the Catholic route, you have to go to some sort of couples counseling over the weekend with other couples planning on getting married. At one point, they broke up the men and the women into different groups, and the men went off with the priest to have a powwow. One of the men in the group asked about the church's position on oral sex which flustered the padre, and he kept trying to state the church's position but kept dancing around a certain word until my friend screamed, "Ejaculation! The word you're looking for is EE-JACK-YOU-LAY-SHUN!" The priest decided everyone needed a break at that point. Later on my friend and his bride-to-be had sex in the rectory.

Day of the wedding came. The bride had made the mistake of telling everyone that when she went in to get fitted, the seamstress noticed that one of her breasts was smaller than the other and said they'd have to alter the dress somewhat. So the bride is walking down the aisle, and at some hidden cue from the groom, he, the best man (gay), the first groomsman (best man's partner), second groomsman (atheist and a friend from high school), and the last groomsman all tilted their heads slightly to their left and raised an eyebrow. Then they all tilted their heads back up. It was perfectly synchronized. I was hemorraging internally in the pews trying not to laugh, and all our classmates were wondering what I was finding so funny as well as looking at the bride quizzically..

At the reception, the second groomsman and my gift to the couple was a fake tree that we used to steal from the dorm room of another wedding guest whenever we walked by. He had started an ISP in our small college town after graduation, and the groomsman had a key to the office so we purloined it one last time and put it on the gift table. When he walked in, you could hear, "Hey! That's my tree!" ring out through the reception hall. We included a poem that was a parody of Joyce's "Trees." "I don't think I'll ever see/A gift as lovely as Wes' tree."

My other gift to the couple was a talking Macho Man wrestling doll - when you bent one of its appendages it would say, "Ow! You're breaking my (pause while its small computer figured it out) left arm!" We used to get on the #limbaugh chat channel as HulkHogan and MachoMan and argue politics with dittoheads while staying in character. It would speak everytime they hit a bump in the road as they drove to their honeymoon.

They're still happily married today.

TlalocW

[LibraLiz1973]

2. now see, that all sounds FUN!!

Especially the tree thing.
Thats right up my alley

[TlalocW]

6. Yeah, well, you didn't say "bad funny"

Here's a bad funny because of the woman one of my two best friends married - an evil, humorless Martha Stewart sorority bimbo. No insult meant to sororities, but this woman was the stereotypical uptight, snooty bitch. And unfortunately nothing truly bad. This is more just kvetching.

Anyway, that friend, our other best friend, and I always joked that we wanted swords at our weddings - not because we're military, but because they're cool. We told her this the first time we met her, and she thought we were serious. She told her fiancee, "No swords at *MY* wedding." (Little alarm bells going off)

And what a long-ass boring wedding it was. It was fully Catholic although my friend didn't convert, but she wanted the Latin and the Eucharist and all the other crap. At one point, they had to go put a pair of roses at the foot of the statues of the holy family. That wasn't practiced, and only I (because of my angle) could see the slight panic and confusion in my friend's eyes. They deposit said roses, and she kneels to pray, but he's rocking back and forth on his feet looking up at the holy family with an expression that tells me he's thinking, "Yep... that's the holy family all right. We didn't do this part in rehearsal... I'm completely thrown off with what's coming next... What's Jen doing? Oh, she's praying. Should I be kneeling and praying too?"

The woman had seven bridesmaids and groomsmen to match although there was only 50 people at her wedding. My friend didn't have enough close friends so she put some of her male friends in, and I was the last groomsman. I knew she was trying to insult me, but it didn't bother me (she really hated me according to my friend). I teased the bridesmaid I danced with because she mentioned she was getting married soon to a Southern Baptist, and I said, "So, this is your last night to drink and have fun then."

There were more people at the reception, but she was so intent on preserving the moments that the video crew she hired kept getting in the way of everyone so we never really saw anything. Oh, we did see their reaction when they walked into the reception, and they looked at the wedding party table, and they saw our best friend and my gift to them sitting on it - a decorative set of three Samurai Swords. Our friend was truly delighted - he thought it was the coolest thing ever. She's smiling in the picture, but it's not reaching her eyes. He cut one of the cakes with the long sword though so that was cool.

The video people eventually went around to get people to wish them well - I said something along the lines of how great it was that they met considering she was coming out of the free clinic at the time, and he was strung out on heroin and lying on the sidewalk when she tripped over him. The video people were shocked; my friend thought it was funny when he watched it, and she was of course aghast.

They got divorced two or three years later because she wasn't living the fairy tale life she thought she should be, and from what I've been told, she's bounced around from man to man trying to make her dreams come true.

Along the way, I accidentally insulted her when I went over to their house and couldn't tell which wall of the kitchen she had been painting (by dipping a rag in paint and then pressing it against the wall) and which wall my friend had been painting. That really pissed her off way more than what it should have. She was also upset with our other best friend and me when we brought her hubby a horrible kiln-fired rooster painted 70s green with green "jewels" for eyes that his favorite aunt had made. His mom gave it to us to take to him. We snuck it onto the mantle one day after she went Christmas shopping and just before the three of us went to the movies as a surprise when we came back. When we did come back, she was waiting for us with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed, and right when we walked in the door she demanded, "What is THAT?" and pointed at the rooster. My friend was delighted to see it, but she was upset that it had thrown off the decor of the living room for 3 hours while the house was empty.

TlalocW

[Archae]

3. One of my sisters.

The groom came down the aisle on a unicycle.

They're still married. :-)

[u4ic]

4. One wedding I went to was on Hallowe'en

and it was a costume party. It was a hoot.

The bride and groom were Cleopatra and Marc Anthony.

They're divorced now. :shrug:

[Nevernose]

5. 12th grade -- Buddy got his girlfriend pregnant

Apparently so "he wouldn't lose her" -- although he lost her.

This was The Guys' first wedding, so we didn't know any better than to schedule the bachelor party the night before. Poor bastard was puking outside the church in his tux.

His girlfriend was a member of a fundie church, so while the reception was small, the wedding was huge and took place in the Double Pentacostal Church of the Uber-Christ. Christian folk singers performed, members of the congregation. It was their own song, and it was BAD -- so bad that even the minister was chuckling. Then we discovered the worst part -- the song was 19 minutes long. They talk about an eternity of Christ's love in church? Well, Christ never had to endure this shit. He would've nailed HIMSELF to the cross to get it over with. The folksinging duo, according to rumor, actually got a divorce a few months after the wedding, and if their marriage was anything like their songwriting, the angels are happy now. I know I am.

The ringbearer also wiped his nose on the ring-cushion during one of the never-ending prayers, but we all just thought that part as cute.

It was soon after that the infidelity began, and then the wife-beating, and within a year she had left him for a Cuban gardner named "Raul," which was funny, mostly because he was an asshole and I didn't think "Raul" was a Cuban name.

[Skittles]

7. the baptism water was running the whole time

the groomsmen were all hungover and the water sound made them all want to piss so they kept squirming - actually, everyone in the church did. :(

[khashka]

8. My sister's wedding

She married this guy named Victor Newton. When the preacher said "Do you Victor Newton take..." my sister started laughing and couldn't stop.

"Victor Newton?", she said, "Vic Newton? Fig Newton?" And laughed hysterically. "Ma'am, if you could control yourself we could continue with the ceremony", said the preacher looking pained.

"No we can't! I'm marrying a fucking cookie!" laughed my sister.

There was a solemn silence.

Khash.

[LibraLiz1973]

9. roflmao! Are they still married?

[auntAgonist]

12. omg that is funny!!!!

[youthere]

10. The one where the groom and groomsmen mooned....

all the guests immediately following the wedding at the church, the table holding all the food collapsed, the bride got into a fistfight in the parking lot with her sister and the mother of the bride got drunk and hooked up (and I mean hooked up in the worst possible way) with the best man in a utility closet at the back of reception hall, and the bartender began stalking one of the bridesmaids...

Ah yes..that was my special day. Good times.

On edit: Still married..17 years later.

[skygazer]

11. A friend from work's wedding

There they stood at the alter and the groom could not for the life of him say the word, "fidelity." He stumbled over it about five times and finally the bride, who has a very loud, boisterous laugh (it's a great laugh but rather out of place in a Catholic church) burst out laughing and so the entire place cracked up.

We all hoped it wasn't a bad omen but it doesn't seem to have been - they've been together for 6 years now and have 2 kids and seem very happy.