Competing with People Is Not Working for Me Anymore

[laura888]

I am a fairly competitive person, and I'm realizing I don't want to be.

I look for situations where I can compete, and then feel great when I'm winning and lousy and uncomfortable when someone else is.

I've alienated people I like because I compete with them. I am not close to my brothers because we grew up competing with each other.

Being in a capitalist society, I think that competitiveness is encouraged. It has served me in some ways - such as making money - but it permeates my life, not just my working life.

I know there is another way to be - have started to explore Buddhism, for instance.

How does one break the habit? Has anyone else gone through anything similar?

[DoctorMyEyes]

1. I think you may have taken the first step

Simply being aware that you do this I think is a big first step.

I'm not competitive, and never really have been so I don't think I have any useful advice for you. But, I wish you much luck.

[laura888]

2. thanks! Obviously, you are evidence...

...that there is another way to operate in the world.

[skygazer]

3. You might consider trying to change the way you look at it

I'm not so much competitive with others but I'm very competitive with myself. Everything I do is a challenge but only to do better than the last time I did it. Personally, I think it's a much healthier sort of competition because you're just trying to excel yourself rather than worry about the other guy.

For someone who is naturally competitive as you seem to be, it may be practically impossible to turn it off so maybe try turning it into something slightly different. Just a thought.

[laura888]

5. Its certainly worth a shot

I think the key is to take my eyes off of others. thanks!

[madrchsod]

4. i`m to old to worry about being competing

with others....well i can`t judge my life by who won or lost..i can only judge it by what i have done and hope i can continue

[laura888]

6. well, yes

I think of my viewpoint as being rather juvenile - sort of the playground mentality.

In the end, it obviously doesn't matter who did it better.

It's just a knee-jerk response that I want to break myself from.

[neweurope]

7. I've always been like this. And it hurts. The victories are

like NOTHING compared to the defeats. I always have to compare with others, too. Not so nice when you're a 50 year old woman watching 20 year olds *g* As the first poster noticed - the first step is realizing what we are doing, and that's also the biggest step. Can't be of much help because I'm suffering from the same problem, sorry, but it has become a little better with the years. I'm still cursing my parents, though, for drilling us like that.

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Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[laura888]

8. We are not alone, no doubt

It seems like a common problem. Yes, can't compete with some of them whipper-snappers (I'm 41).

I've started exploring this issue a bit - I believe its caused by viewing the world from the "ego" (some people call it the "smaller self").

Absolutely it comes from our childhood. I hate it that my parents gave performance such importance.

[neweurope]

11. Your parents, too... of course. What people do to each other!

Mine gave us - at least my older brother and me, my younger sister got off a little better - always the feeling that we were loved and accepted ONLY if we were better than everybody else. It was our PRUSSIAN DUTY to be better. Never "I love you because you're lovable". And even now, all those years later and finally understanding what happened, why I became like this, the conditioning is so hard to break. And of course - once having been conditioned thus one often chooses partners who act the same way the parents used to...

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Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[laura888]

12. So true. The conditioning IS hard to erase.

Part of the problem is that, in some ways, it's served us, I believe.

My background is German-American (100%). I wonder if this is a bit of a German trait in how they bring up children?

[neweurope]

13. I don't think so. I'm the only one among all my friends who is like this.

And that "Prussian" thing was 100 years old when my parents gave us this nonsense. No, I rather think that the parents want to see their own shortcomings and unfulfilled dreams seen fruitful in their offspring. Detestable.

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Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[laura888]

14. gotcha. Thanks for your insight! n/t

[gollygee]

9. Do a google search for Alfie Kohn

maybe check out his books on Amazon. He writes about why the American way of competition doesn't work.

[laura888]

10. No Contest

Thanks for the tip - just found his book, "No Contest."

<snip>
"Contrary to the myths with which we have been raised, Kohn shows that competition is not an inevitable part of "human nature." It does not motivate us to do our best (in fact, the reason our workplaces and schools are in trouble is that they value competitiveness instead of excellence.) Rather than building character, competition sabotages self-esteem and ruins relationships. It even warps recreation by turning the playing field into a battlefield."

</snip>

Exactly!

[Karenina]

15. I want to share my experience with you

but at the moment I'm at a loss for words. Connexion and cooperation are life supporting, competition means SOMEONE has to die...