Tell me your problems and I will give you solutions

[Zuni]

:hi:

[Shell Beau]

1. I have a problem with working the rest of the day!

[Zuni]

4. Light yourself on fire

they will definetly send you home, or to the ER if you caught on fire.

Thanks! :hi:

Next

[Shell Beau]

13. Great advice. When all else fails, burst into flames!

[Zuni]

28. tried and true method

;)

:hi:

[terrya]

2. We have a vulgar, crass, ignorant, self-righteous asshole as President.

And it's depressing and embarrasssing me to no end.

Please help.

Thanks!

:hi:

[Zuni]

8. It is time to start a crippling heroin addiction

that way you can forget about Bush and you can be the source of your deepest embarrasment

thanks :hi:


next

[terrya]

32. I'm sure I can find some heroin here in Chicago.

"China White, here I come!"

Thanks! :-)

[Zuni]

34. Thats the spirit

go down to calumet city and ask for Leroy---he'll hook you up

[FloridaPat]

3. No job. No income. Computer programming jobs almost impossible

to find. Between shipping jobs overseas, bringing tons of Indians here to work cheaper, and Oracle buying out Peoplesoft, I am left in the learch with tons of other programmers.

[Zuni]

10. become a puppeteer

Big business can never out source a good puppeteer

[sniffa]

5. i'm depressed

:cry:

[Zuni]

14. try getting a hobby

like self mutiliation

Thanks :hi:

next

[Fenris]

6. I seriously suck at bowling.

And I need to bring my average up to get a decent grade in my class.

[Zuni]

16. Have sex with your bowling instructor

[Fenris]

19. Are you sure I shouldn't try cutting my arm off?

[Zuni]

25. if you want to be a gimp the rest of your life

go ahead

[Fenris]

31. I think it would give me character and an air of mystery.

Because my personality is so lacking.

[LynneSin]

7. I know this guy Zuni is obsessed with me but I find him to be a gnat

:D

[Zuni]

17. Don't be silly

no one is obsessed with you :D

Thanks :hi:

[Champ]

9. I left my girlfriend

How do I get back in the dating scene without returning to my g/f? :hi:

[Zuni]

18. Harass random women in public places

wear a lot of jewelry and a leisure suit

Thanks :hi:

[Champ]

22. That brings up another problem

Say I get charged for harrasement can I sue you or will you vouch for me in court accepting responsibility for my behavior?

Thanks :hi:

[Zuni]

26. I will deny everything

Thanks :hi:

[StopTheMorans]

11. I am a fan of outdated rock bands, and I have a compulsion to post

their horrid lyrics in the lounge. what should i do?

[Zuni]

20. there is nothing anyone can do to help you

you are way too pathetic

Thanks :hi:

[StopTheMorans]

29. damn it!

:cry:

[terrya]

23. I hope you don't mind my sending you a bill for a new keyboard.

Mine has coffee all over it. :-)

[StopTheMorans]

30. as soon as I get a new job i'll pay you for it

[terrya]

33. Ok. It's a deal.

[meegbear]

12. After I celebrated and took down my Zuni tree ...

I forgot it was matcom week at DU and didn't mail any cards out to my friends and loved ones. What should I do?

[Zuni]

21. call them and tell them you had explosive diarrhea

and you couldn't get away from toilet long enough to write

Thanks :hi:

[ghostsofgiants]

15. My room is messy but I'm too lazy to clean it

[Zuni]

24. hire an illegal immigrant maid

you might not even have to pay her!

[ghostsofgiants]

37. Wise beyond your years

[Champ]

27. Ah! Confusion!!!

Whose week is it? Matcom week or Zuni week? It can't be both can it? Which one is official, which one isn't? :banghead:

[kick-ass-bob]

35. I need a good Chick Tract and don't know how to find one.

:(

[Zuni]

36. go to

www.chick.com and look up "green Angels" or "the last generation"

thank me later :)

[kick-ass-bob]

45. WOOHOO!!

:headbang:

[XemaSab]

38. This town sucks

it's full of freepers and fundies and I have no friends, no SO, and no life. Work is boring, and I spend half the day goofing off on DU because my home is boring too. I'm afraid that if I continue to be bored like this, I'm going to do something desperate, like hooking up with the guy at Starbucks.

What do I do?

[gmoney]

40. Move.

:hug:

[Zuni]

41. become a sniper

[XemaSab]

43. And who should I shoot,

pray tell?

[Zuni]

47. that is a decision you have to make for yourself, grasshopper

[motely36]

39. My dog rubs his butt on the carpet

and then sniffs the spot. Should I start doing this too?

[Zuni]

42. no

just sniff where he rubs his anus

[motely36]

44. phew!

Thank god, it would look weird if I did that at work!

[ProfessorGAC]

46. My Pets Answer To Rude Names

How do i stop taking pleasure in teasing my pets by calling them names?
The Professor

[Zuni]

49. OK

take a car battery and wire it to your nuts. everytime you call an animal a rude name, give yourself some juice

after a while, you will no longer feel the urge to call your pets rude names and you will also probably no longer feel the urge to procreate

[ProfessorGAC]

52. Well,, Too Late For The Latter Anyway

We're much too old for kiddies. But, i hope you're happy. Now i have to go buy a car battery. That's not solving problems. That's just transferring one. I need clamps, a battery, wires. This is most inconvenient.
The Professor

[Taverner]

48. My head hurts, my feet stink and I don't love Jesus

[Zuni]

50. take an aspirin, wash your feet, go to church

[FLSurfer]

51. There is a girl that works for me

She's not a bad employee, OK scratch that, she's lazy and doesn't show much initiative.
But, I know she relies on this job for her rent.
What should I do?

[Zuni]

56. give her a straight up lecture

you don't want to fire her, but you will if she doesn't improve

[FLSurfer]

57. I guess you are right.

I've been avoiding dealing with the problem because I'm enjoying the summer so much.
I think I'll tie it to a time frame. Don't want it open ended as I doubt her ability to change.
Thanks.

[UrbScotty]

53. The sanctity of my marriage is being attacked by liburlz! And I'm SINGLE!!

HELP!

[Cathyclysmic]

54. How can I make a good impression at my new job?

:shrug:

help me Zuni!

[no name no slogan]

55. Why does my car run better on "unleaded" than on "no lead"?

:shrug:

[Parche]

58. problem

I am cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and I cant stop, what should I do?

[dave29]

59. I want to be the next President

but I have a problem with sex addiction, methamphetamines, and talking to animals.

Please assist