Has anyone here been in a relationship that survived infidelity?

[Doctor_J]

Ever taken back a spouse/SO that cheated? Been forgiven by spouse for your own transgression? Do you think it's possible for a relationship to survive that? Under what circumstances?

[Shell Beau]

1. I have never experienced it, but I do think it is possible

to survive it. It takes a lot of time and commitment. Building back a trust is hard, but if both are willing to work at it, it is doable.

[Misunderestimator]

2. Nope. I think it's possible for some, not for me.

[soleft]

3. It;s possibility depending on nature of infidelity and the

individuals involved.

[kcwayne]

4. Not me, but I have friends who survived it

The husband had an affair and was thinking of leaving his wife and children. They hashed it out, he said he wouldn't cheat again, and they reunited.

This was devastating to her, because it shook her world view (fundy Xtian). But in the end, the cash and lifestyle afforded to her by her very successful (financially) spouse was something that she could not give up, and all of her thoughts about the integrity of a relationship, trust, ethics, et all were set aside in favor of the money.


They seem content together now, so who knows?

[Doctor_J]

6. How long ago was the transgerssion?

Do you think he's really been faithful in the interim? Id their relationship back to where it was, or just patched together?

[kcwayne]

11. It was 5 years ago

I have no idea whether he's been faithful, he never told me he was having an affair, and has never mentioned the topic at all. I was shocked to find out about this from his wife.

[Lerkfish]

5. Yes...

My first wife cheated on me, told me in a public place, mainly because it was a one time fling and the guy was harrassing her and wouldn't leave her alone.
There are many extenuating circumstances I won't go into.
I also had to protect us against this wacko. We changed our phone number and moved.

it hurt me deeply, and I tried to strike out at her in different ways, it was extremely difficult stretch of our marriage. However, we loved each other a lot, so that finally won out, and the rest of our marriage was golden until she passed away.

its possible to survive infidelity, however I do not recommend doing it in the first place. Its a world of hurt to someone you love.

[DemoVet]

7. I would have said "no" before I had children

Both times that a partner has been unfaithful I've terminated the relationship pretty much immediately, but at the time I only had to be concerned with myself, with young children as part of the equation I don't know if I could just cut and run. That would be the hardest thing, trying to insulate them from the hurt and anger directed at the offending spouse.

[Champ]

8. It really depends on the couple

Both have to be focused and dedicated and let them release all the emotions from this. It will take awhile but a relationship can come out stronger from this, most couples wouldn't last after an infedility.

[2Design]

9. hilary clinton did n/t

[LibDemAlways]

10. A relationship's survival is tied to

the personalities, needs, and desires of the people involved. Some relationships can, and do, survive anything; and some spouses will look the other way or forgive an infidelity because ultimately they perceive its in their best interest (or their children's interest) to do so. I have a friend who left her husband and never looked back after finding another woman's clothing in his car, and another friend who stayed with a cheating spouse for years for the sake of her three kids. Each circumstance is unique and what works for one person obviously would not be tolerated by another.

[jobycom]

12. It's hard. Sometimes you think you've survived it, and years later

it pops up again. The moment someone hangs up, or your spouse is late, all the fear and betrayal come back. Even little lies set off your suspicions again.

I'd say it depends on whether you believe you can trust the person again. If you have the slightest doubt, or if they block you in any way, you'll never survive it. You will never trust them, and so you will live in constant suspicion, and they will have to live with that suspicion, and it will destroy them, too.

You also have to ask why you are staying. Do you trust the person, do you want to regain what you had? Or are you afraid to be alone at that most painful moment? Are you clinging to your abuser because you have no one else to cling to? Or, like I did, are you thinking more of their needs than your own?

I think it's possible for the relationship to survive, but two things have to happen: both parties have to really want a relationship after that, and the cheater has to be willing to live under constant suspicion and having to prove their fidelity. Usually what happens is the cheater feels like everything is back to normal, and gets upset when their partner wants constant reassurance, or wants to talk about the pain they are still feeling. The cheater gets over it quickly, obviously, and the victim never, ever, does. The cheater has to want to live with that. Most relationships I know of, my own included, didn't break up with the discovery of the affair, they broke up later, sometimes many years later, when the victim finally realized they would never trust the cheater again.

One last comment: "cheating" is subjective. I've known couples who could care less who their spouse was having sex with because they were doing the same thing. Some couples even tell each other, and encourage each other, and even swing together. Cheating is all about the lying and betrayal, the putting someone else ahead of you. I knew a woman with a wild swinging lifestyle. She and her husband slept around all the time, and had almost no rules. Once, he broke one of those few rules, and it hurt her badly. I watched her trying to pretend to herself it didn't matter, and I watched her expression collapse in pain as she failed. Cheating is about betrayal, not sex.

[SkipNewarkDE]

13. Does a 3 way count as infidelity?

[Darth_Kitten]

16. Come on....

the person is asking a legitimate question.

[Wcross]

14. No. It changes the whole relationship. n/t

[redqueen]

15. No.

I think I could, though, unless it was more than a one-time thing.

[Finder]

17. Depends on the individuals and dynamics...

I think it also depends at what stage in a relationship it occurs. I think if someone buys into the whole irrational romance/love thing and it is the foundation for the relationship then an infidelity will break it. Some stick it out due to obsession or possessiveness but that usually ends in a train wreck and usually subsequent marriages that fall apart for the same reason.

As far as Hillary and Bill, they have a good marriage that is not based on silly notions, it is more a partnership or friendship. Her self-esteem and worth doesn't depend on such things.

[Greyhound]

18. Yes, depending on how you define survived.

We still love each other and speak regularly, but we're no longer together. :shrug:

[LaurenG]

19. Yep

It wasn't me and with some hard work it can be accomplished.

[Coventina]

20. You have to take these things on a case-by-case basis

A lot of factors are involved. People "cheat" for many different reasons.
Sometimes the cheater is actually trying to escape from an abusive situation. (not a healthy reaction, but it happens)
Sometimes the cheater is just a skirt-chaser and always will be (Bill Clinton is a good example).

Anyway, I feel in most cases, the cheating is an effect, not a cause, of a bad relationship. And each bad relationship is unique (see Tolstoy), therefore, the cure is also unique.
Sometimes it means the end of the relationship, sometimes not.