When your parents died...did your siblings take EVERYTHING?

[Beausoir]

I never thought this would happen in my family. We were so close and loving. It's time to close out my mother's estate and the house has been sold. My sister has completely FREAKED out over the posessions. Screaming, storming out, claiming everything, writing nasty emails, calling us profane names. Figures...since she's a lawyer, but this has been so terribly sad and stressful.

Anyone want to share their "Daddy's dead..who's got the will?" stories?

[XanaDUer]

1. Only child here

but when grandma died, lots of nastiness over money. One group of relatives I thought were wonderful turned into backstabbers. I still don't speak to them.

[KatyaR]

23. Same here.

Only child, but when we emptied my grandmother's house, I couldn't believe how petty my aunt became. Believe me, my grandmother had nothing of any value, but my aunt was even trying to go after things that had been given to my late father twenty years before.

It's really horrible what illness and death will do to a family. I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

[Radio_Lady]

52. OT: Oh, fifthgendem, I love your Boston Terrier!

The American Gentleman! I raised and trained them when I was in my 'teens in Florida.

My purebred dog Dolly was bred to one of the all-time champions of the breed, Ch. Regardless in the 1950s.

Dolly free-whelped (no Caesarian required) SEVEN MALE PUPPIES. One had to be put down because of a hare-lip.

Dolly lived until she was 12 before starting to suffer with breast cancer. We put her down because there was no sense in letting her have more expensive surgery which didn't do much anyway.

R.I.P. Duchess of Dade, C.D.

[KatyaR]

54. That's Maggie, she's my third BT--

I love them so much! Each one has been absolutely adorable and a handful to boot. It's amazing the comments I get when we're out and about--many people don't know the breed at all, but they have seen them in a lot of TV commercials. I had never seen one until my then-boyfriend bought one years ago, and I was immediately hooked. I wasn't working that summer, and I used to sit on the couch with Carrie asleep on my chest, she was just a baby then, and I absolutely fell in love.

They're just the best dogs--I can't say that enough!

[Heddi]

83. Only child here as well

My great-grandmother died about 10 years ago.

She has 6 children, all living. However, only 3 of them lived near her and visited her on a regular basis. The other 3 lived way way way out of state and only came to see her once every 10 years or so.

When she passed, 1 of the 3 far-away children came in with HER husband and HER children and proceeded to just empty everything out of the house, taking with her EVERYTHING of value and throwing away BOATLOADS of stuff that she herself wasn't interested in (therefore, NO ONE must be interested in)

SHe made the mistake, though, of thinking that EVERYONE was after the material goods. Oh heaven's no.

One of the things she thought was trash was a large framed picture, a print, of a Rembrandt. My uncle (great-granny's son) bought it for her in the 50's. NOw, monetarily it's worth nothing, but sentimentally, it's worth everything. Since the day she got it, it hung in the same spot in her living room.

I was able to salvage that and it now hangs in my house.

My grandmother was able to save the "junk" jewelry that mammaw wore---her sister was looking for diamonds and emeralds--none of that to be had in this house, but tons of period peices and such. Nice jewelry. Saved from the garbage heap.

Just stuff like that---she was after the loot (not much there), we were after the "REAL" items that signified my great-grandmother's life. And we got the lion's share.

Come to find out, after she emptied out the house, she went on to SELL THE ITEMS SHE LOOTED at a fucking garage sale---so she wasn't even after it for ANY Sentimental value--just monetary.

ANd you're right--had I not seen the looting with my own eyes I would have never fucking believed it. Here's a woman who lauds herself the paragon of virtue and morals. A practicing Jehovah's Witness. But she sells HER OWN MOTHERS POSESSIONS at a garage sale.

yeah.

[Catchawave]

82. In my experience, yes....

..money is thicker than blood :cry:

[JitterbugPerfume]

2. how horrible for you

when daddy died we divided everything up into four piles

[Midlodemocrat]

3. Not my family, but my husband's.

My husband's sister is an evil, evil psycho. 55 years old, no friends, sporadic job history. When her mother died, she was still living in the house with FIL. Well, turns out they gave her the house worth $600,000 10 years ago, because she 'took care of them'. Which is a total crock of shit because she was abusing my FIL so badly we had to have him live here.

So here we sit supporting him with no resources. My MIL was the biggest witch you could have ever known. FIL is a doll, but he says he didn't read the documents just signed them and knowing MIL, I believe him.

We are going to try and get it reversed, but it will be an uphill battle.

[Pirate Smile]

14. I dread when my MIL and FIL die. It is going to be a nightmare.

Two of my BIL's think they are owed everything their parents ever earned. There are five kids and 12 grandkids.

It is going to be a disaster. I believe the two asshole BIL's have already said they will challenge the will no matter what.

They are friggin crazy (and all Republican's too).

[LaurenG]

4. Oooo Owww

Too many bad things happened. I can barely talk about them yet. I just made up my mind that whatever happened it was only stuff. People go INSANE when parents die. Accusations and intimidation, it can be very painful. It's only stuff, it's only stuff.

[Beausoir]

7. It is only stuff.

I have relinquished my claim on ANY property. I was hoping to have some china and a piece of her jewelry for one of my daughters, but my sister took all that out of the house the month after my mom died. Never to be seen again.
I told her last weekend that I wanted NOTHING...but that seemed to infuriate her even more.

[Midlodemocrat]

9. When my mom died, we moved my dad down here to live with

us and sold their condo. We put everything in storage because we weren't ready to deal with parting with it. I am the only female with three brothers, so I got her silver and her china. We made sure that everyone got something that meant something emotionally to them, because there wasn't really anything that was worth anything.

I have great brothers. No fighting, no back stabbing. It was all as 'pleasant' as circumstances like that can be.

[Beausoir]

11. My brothers are fantastic, too.

My brothers and I saw this coming ever since mother died (18 months ago).
We tried everything we could think of to be as fair as possible. She's just a very unhappy and greedy person. My parents would be just heartsick to see this happening.

[LaurenG]

10. Well I do understand

There were things that everyone wanted and a brother of mine decided to tell my sister that she was a worthless human being and dad told him before he died she deserved nothing. Great way for my poor sister to remember my dad. This in spite of the will which left everything to my mom. Poor mom she can't remember a lot of what went on she was so devastated. Anyway he died in January and the whole thing was a real painful mess. I am sorry for your loss and the behavior of those who just can't seem to get enough is disgraceful. Let me guess, your sister, like my brother is a republican?

[Beausoir]

12. Heh. She's usually too busy with her own pity party to vote.

Not politically astute.

But she has the worst case of "keep up with the Jones'" I have ever seen.

One Mercedes didn't make her happy..so she had to have two. Still not happy.

[barb162]

30. Why don't you want something? Is there anything left that one of

the others might kindly turn over to you? (like maybe she can spare a plate from the china set?)

[agates]

5. My sister and I agreed to not disagree

It has gone OK so far. Luckily we are very different people, so we aren't interested in the same things. Best of luck, it is a difficult time.

[supernova]

6. First, sorry for your loss

The urge to keep the deceased's things with you after a death is quite strong, so part of it is a natural response to grief. With everything that goes, you realise a little part of them slips away from you.

That is very hard for a lot of people. Not that many people can manage to be that zen or asthectic about all the letting go that has to happen.

I don't really know what to tell you except that if your sister is also the executor, then it will be a huge pain.

[demnan]

8. No but I'm sure it will happen

I have two brothers who have been sponging off my mother for years, living in her house, paying no rent, not working, etc. When she dies they will both try to get as much as possible because they have nothing of their own. And she named one executer of her will!

I don't want anything from my mother's house. It's best that I made my own way in this world. I wouldn't dream of fighting them for her stuff. My oldest brother will very much resent these two though, so I'll be in the middle of a huge fight I'm sure.

[Merlot]

13. When my grandmother died, she left a small cash nestegg

she had saved it up over the years and told me where it was hidden. Sure enough I found it all. My dad was with me at the time. My grandmother had left a note giving most of the money to me, and some to my sister. She didn't leave any to my mom (her daughter) because they weren't close and argued a lot. My mother was doing ok for money anyhow. But my dad, ever loyal to my mother, took the money and split it three ways so as not to "hurt mothers feelings."

Of course my feelings were hurt, and I never really forgave him for that. But I was young, and didn't speak up for myself or my grandmothers wishes.

Death brings out a lot of ugly things in people. When my dad died, my sister carried on the family tradition of greed.

[Kahuna]

15. Not really. My father made it known what we should get of his

personal possessions. We took our stuff while my sister (who took possession of the residence) was saying good bye to his corpse. If we hadn't of taken it like that, we would have never gotten it from her. My brother was like, it's now or never. I shrugged my shoulders and said, yeah, you're right. (Sis can be such a bitch) The look on her face when she saw my brother carrying the stuff out was priceless. I was in my fathers house every day for a couple of months before he passed. I knew he was dying. I didn't look in his closets or drawers or anything. Others did.

There was some...well a lot of hanky panky with the large amounts of cash he had in his safe and safe deposit box. But that was to be expected. I'm proud to report that I had no part in any hanky panky of any sort. One family member who took off with the money is the safe (at least $5,000) was the person I would have least expected to do so. That money was intended to go towards my father's funeral. He had a beautiful casket and burial anyway. My mother did what she had to do to see to it.

[Bluerthanblue]

16. adding loss to loss-

i can really understand your position.
And the sadest part is, when you are feeling vunerable, lost and ... almost child-like, and your sibs become 'strangers'- (or worse) it only adds to your suffering.
My only advice would be, don't do anything you really feel you could NOT 'live with' for life- If that means you need to 'fight' your sister or else you will kick yourself and resent her forever, or if that means you don't want to add the misery of a fight, on top of a loss not only of your parent, but the 'trust' you had in your 'love' and 'family unity'- is up to you. It sounds like it is easy- but it isn't- Take your time, and be HONEST with yourself- because resentment sucks, and keeps you from moving forward after loss.

We really learn alot about people we 'think' we KNOW, when common grief, loss, and suffering come to us like this. Sometimes, it shows us things we 'didn't want to face'- sometimes it helps us to realize how 'imperfect' we ALL are- and the strange ways people use to 'cope'-

Ususally it makes us 'grow'- (personally) and that can hurt like hell-
But is important.

i wish you comfort, wisdom, and peace-

blu

[barb162]

17. What got me was that my brother, who lived with my mom at the

time she died, was throwing stuff out, some of MY stuff and stuff that I bought for her, without my permission. I would have taken it and kept it. Later on when another relative died, his wife is a jackal, the best I can describe her; I wanted to give some things to the poor and she wanted to give things to her relatives and sell things. I finally got my brother on the side and told him to get her out of there or someone was going to lose her teeth. Like whose blood relative is it, hers or mine? By the way I was the executor of the estate in the latter incident.

I know of many many cases where families argue and just take things without the permission of the other blood relatives. It happens often. Very few cases do I know of where people split things up equitably or in an organized manner.

[Midlodemocrat]

20. I had a similar situation when my mom died.

I gave all her clothes to charity, because that is what she told me she wanted. My brother's wife was beside herself and told me that she wanted to go through everything first. I stood my ground and said no.

She also spoke at mom's funeral mass and it was awful. Very presumptuous. The woman she was speaking of was not my mom. She honestly believes to this day that she was closer to my mom than I, her first born and only daughter, was. If she only knew. I have never told her that my mom thought she was a buffoon. It would hurt her too much.

[barb162]

27. Isn't that something?

I gave all my mom's clothes to her mother -in-law, which I was glad to do, because it helped her. She was also the exact same size as my mom and I thought it was a way of not really completely parting with these things that were so personal to her. My grandmother was kind of ungrateful about it expecting me to have all my mom's coats dry-cleaned before I brought them over. Well, there were a ton of clothes and coats as my mom wasn't really one of these people who culled clothes out of closets annually. So my grandma starts checking all these things I was just pulling from the closet and saying "well, there's dust on the collar!!!!!" The price tags were still on a lot of the clothes and she hadn't even worn a lot of them; she just hung them in the closet with the tags on. I'm like WTF, I just drove to her house to deliver the stuff for free, just had given her these things she wanted and now I was supposed to go to the cleaners too. Meanwhile I was in such a state of grief and shock as my mom died young and I was very young when she died and I was barely holding myself together crying every day and you got these damned jackals expecting you to kiss their asses. I shouldn't be saying that about my grandmother, but you know what, I didn't need that crap at the time.

Yeah what is it with in-laws telling the blood relatives what to do. A friends of mine who took care of his mother for about 20 years at his house had a brother out of state who might stop in once a year to see her. The guy could have stopped in way more often as he was a United Airlines captain and could do it for free whenever. SO when the mom died, that pilot's wife was trying to run the whole show. She hadn't even seen my friend's mother for like 20 years but all of a sudden that woman was taking jewelry, other valuables, etc. It's like you'r'e dumbfounded at the gall of these in-laws and others.

I have another friend right now who is going through a situation where there are about 5 brothers and sisters arguing. The one sister who died had a will and somehow this last revised will got "destroyed" as some of the siblings were "cleaning." Also evidence ofd the lawyer she used has also been "cleaned" away from her premises. I suspect she won't be talking to her relatives ever again. My friend saw the will and knew what she was supposed to be getting very specifically. It is in probate now.

[Midlodemocrat]

31. I'm telling you. It is really a

:wtf: type of situation.

[barb162]

32. thank you for the giggle

[trof]

18. Too late, I guess, but here's what we did.

It was an uncle and there were four families involved.

We took a solemn oath that we would come out of this just as close as were were going in.

We bought sheets of colored dots.
One family had red, one blue, etc.
Went through the house and put a sticker on anything we wanted.
If yours was the only sticker, you got it.
If there were two or more stickers, we flipped coins.

It worked.
We're all still friends.

[Beausoir]

77. That's what we tried to do.

There are four of us. We got 4 different colors of post-it notes.
We brought all the "stuff" out from cupboards and shelves so we could see what we had. Then, we all chose a color and went around and put a post-it on whatever we were interested in. Items that had more that one post-it on them would go into a little lottery. We tried to make it as fair as possible.

We never made it that far. She stormed out and wouldn't answer her phone for the rest of the weekend. Just kept saying "I disagree with the process! I disagree with the process!"

Did I mention she is a lawyer? Heh. It's all about the fight/argument/process.

[bettyellen]

19. my aunt always gets there first and takes everything...

she did it with all my grandparents,rented a U-Haul before anyone knew what she was doing.
at my dad's funeral my other aunt gave me a tablecloth embroidered by my grandmother.
she specifically said she was giving it to me because she knew my mom's family always got shafted. don't you know my other aunt insisted on "cleaning it for me" i tired really hard not to give it up, but it was turning into a nasty arguement during my dad's wake. 17 years later, i've never seen it again. of course now she won't admit it was ever mine.
her daughter is the same, me me me. i try to remember what miserable lying bitches they both are and all this stuff does not make them happy.

[LibDemAlways]

33. I know a woman who , when her never-married aunt died in

a horrible traffic accident, flew a thousand miles, rented a U-Haul truck, looted the woman's home, and carted what she wanted back to her home before her brothers or cousins even knew what was happening. Apparently she knew the aunt had specified in her will that her possessions were to go to whichever relative claimed them first. Well, she wasted no time. And, when she conveyed this story to me, it was absolutely without shame or embarrassment.

[barb162]

35. I'm speechless; that's super balls without consulting the others

[bettyellen]

36. that's my aunt, not a moment of shame or embarrassment in her life.

she always is there to lend a hand, if you do things her way only- and then she calls you on it, you owe her for the rest of your life.
she's a psychopath. she's planning on fighting my mon's living will.

[Mutley]

21. My parents are still alive...

but if my sisters want to be like that (I hope they won't but after reading some of these posts I guess I never know)then they can just have the stuff. Possesions and money won't mean shit next to the loss of my parents. I refuse to get into a battle like that. It would only dishonor my parents' memory.

[Jade Fox]

22. Yes. Between my siblings and my stepmother.....

I got screwed. I was out of state, and foolishly believes that I would be
treated fairly.

The really sad thing is that it has done permanent damage to my relation-
ship with my siblings. I wonder if it was worth the money they got to have
me never trust them again.

[skygazer]

24. I was 14 when my mom died

Youngest of six. It took me totally by surprise when my siblings (my sisters, actually - my brothers stayed out of it) converged on my mother's possessions and loudly and acrimoniously began divvying them up. It seemed bizarre - much arguing about "Mom would have wanted ME to have that" and "I gave this to her so I should get it".

I didn't want any of it - I just wanted my mom back. As it was, they gave me a single pair of earrings (which meant nothing to me). Later when I moved out of the house and my dad remarried, he and his new wife bought new dishes and I ended up with my mom's mixing bowl set. They meant a lot to me just because I could visualize her working with them.

I'm so sorry - why do people turn into vultures when someone dies? :hug:

[supernova]

25. We worked it this way

My sister was the executor, which was fair, she's the most business-like among us.

All our lives, we talked about what different things we would have when my parents were no longer around. What kinds of thing we would like to have a keepsakes. And we were allowed to say, "I want that .... when the time comes."

And that's basically what we did. When it happened, no one was surprised about how things worked. But you have to have parents who are willing to talk about such things. It's hard, no question.

[fortyfeetunder]

26. I'm not looking forward to this

have a complicated family situation. I ended up having to take my spring vacation a few years back to arrange my dad's personal affairs, such as having a will, living will, etc to ensure certain family members do not have any more say in his estate...

[LiberalEsto]

28. My evil stepmother grabbed it all

and had her daughter call me up and inform me that my father had died and since my brother and I were such rotten kids, we weren't getting a penny. Then she had his body cremated and supposedly tossed the ashes in the ocean.

My dad had left everything divided equally between myself and my brother in his will, but after he had his last paralyzing stroke, she haunted his hospital room in Florida with a slick lawyer and her sons in law as witnesses, nagged my dad for days until he signed everything over her - including houses in NJ and Florida. A nurse on his floor told me later that the woman was like a hovering vulture.

While he was dying in Florida in 1988, I was stuck home with two toddlers sick with the flu, and absolutely no money for a plane ticket or a place to stay. Afterward I tried to find a lawyer to fight her, but not one lawyer would take my case without a $10,000 retainer-- something I didn't have. The lawyers all told me I definitely had a case, but sorry, no retained, no lawyer. It wouldn't have been a lot of money -- maybe my share would have come to $35,000 after legal costs -- but it would have helped pay for college for my daughters.

This evil woman used to brag to my father how she "cleaned out" her first husband and walked away after their divorce with $300,000, leaving him broke and living in a trailer. But I don't understand why she resorted to so much chicanery just to grab such a small amount from me and my brother. It's not like her own kids needed it - her daughters were both married and well-off and walked around in mink coats.

Some people are just total assholes.

[Radio_Lady]

53. Well, this "evil" stepmother hopes to avoid the scenario listed above.

My husband and I wrote wills in Boston, MA, and revised them twice since we have moved to Portland, Oregon.

Two of his daughters, now in their 40s, are not in the wills. This is his decision. They haven't been in touch with us in years. Their mother died when they were young, and goodness knows, we tried everything to apologize for whatever kind of a difficult childhood they believe they had. Counselors told us to work with the oldest daughter until she was "comfortable" with us after a very stormy adolescence. Net result: She is still not comfortable, and we have had limited access to her children, my husband's natural grandchildren, since they were babies.

What we have will be split 50-50 between his family and mine (we married in 1973 with five children from previous marriages). His son and grandson are still in touch and will receive a part of the estate; his younger sister is also remembered.

The rest will go to my children and grandchildren, who love their stepfather and keep in touch with him.

Hope it all works out, but I'm not worrying about it any more...

[LiberalEsto]

62. At least you both agree and that's fine

In my case, when my dad married that bitch, they agreed that he would leave what he had to his kids, and she to hers. And I didn't care that much about the actual money -- it wasn't that much and even though we were hard up, we managed to get by without it.

As soon as she was engaged to my father, she falsely accused me of cursing at her in order to deliberately create a family rift. Then she made him sell our family house (without telling us, and without giving me a chance to make a fair, market rate offer for it) and moved to another part of the state without giving us the address or phone number. She did everything she could to poison his mind against us and to keep him from seeing us.

When he had his first stroke, she didn't tell us he was in the hospital, half paralyzed and unable to speak. We found out days later through a relative, and drove down to visit him as much as possible. She didn't like the fact that we could visit and talk with him away from her control, so as soon as he was discharged from rehab, she took him down to a condo they had purchased in Florida, and wouldn't let us talk to him or see him.

The only way I found out he was dying was because a family friend in Florida found out and called to let me know. Even though I was stuck in New Jersey with two sick kids and no money for a plane ticket, I was at least able to track down the hospital and talk with him before he died.

Apparently she and her slimy daughters were unaware that I had spoken with him and arranged the hospital staff to call me when he died - which they did. Because later on the day he died, one of the daughters called me and very nastily told me he was dead and not to expect a penny because my brother and I were "rotten kids."

What kind of sick, vicious, cruel person calls someone to tell them their father has died, and says that kind of stuff to them, tells them they were rotten kids? I would never in a thousand years dream of talking that way even to my worst enemy. I never did this woman or her mother ANY kind of harm.

The stepmother did everything she could to keep me and my brother from seeing our father or talking with him, and of course we couldn't write to him because she opened the mail. I hope she's rotting in hell.

[The River]

29. Been There

And once I saw how my 3 sisters were behaving
I simply "divorced" myself from my family and
went on with my life as though they never existed.
(We were never "close" to begin with; all family decisions and
relationships were "triangulated" through one parent
or the other. It was a real dysfunctional stew.)

My Dads considerable estate was squandered by my Mom
who tried to "buy" them the middle class lifestyles
they could never afford, and never worked for. They all
have been married and divorced multiple times to bums who
never had decent jobs.

They are now free to divide up whats left but it won't
even come close to paying off their credit cards or 2nd mortgages.

Removing myself from the picture has cost me $30-$40K but money has
never been very important to this old hippie. I have zero debts,
2 bikes, a 25 year old car, some musical instruments, lots of books,
a clear conscience and the best daughter a parent could ask for.
It's all I need.

[lavenderdiva]

34. My parents died within a couple of months of each other, very unexpectedly

my mother was a 'collector', meaning their home was like a wasteland of everything you could possibly imagine (in many, many multiples), and also 11 dogs! I had dreaded the thought of that day coming, and how I would deal with it all, but had always thought that my sister (only sibling) would in some way, be there to help me. I was named executor, not she, as my parents and she hadn't spoken in many, many years. When it came down to it, she refused to come help me clear out/clean up their house. It took me almost a year to get that house in a saleable condition, with the help of some incredible friends. Then my sister started in with her demands for this and that, long-distance. I readied everything for the truck, hired a delivery company, they brought it out to her, many states away. I got a call from the delivery company at work one day, stating that the driver was in her driveway, but she was refusing to pay the driver for the delivery charges. I told them that if she refused to pay, to tell the driver to turn around and come back, and that would be the end of that. She then decided to pay the charges.

There are a million other stories I could share about how callous and selfish she was during that difficult time, including how she and her husband contacted the estate's attorney at the time, and tried to get them to write a letter to the insurance company to write 2 checks (one to her, and one to me) instead of one check to me, as specified by my parents estate. We weren't particularly close for many years before our parents' deaths, and don't speak now. She would like a relationship with me now, and tries to call me periodically, but there's too much water under the bridge, because of how she treated me during the settling of the estate, which went on for many years. It went on for many years because of her demands and sneakiness. We finally each hired attorneys to represent us, so we wouldn't have to speak to each other! That was how bad things got. The estates got settled a few years ago, but she is still calling relatives demanding stuff from me, that was left to me specifically in our parents' wills!!

My husband's family thinks I am an unforgiving person, and my sister can do no wrong. They think I should let bygones be bygones, and move on, and have a relationship with my sister. I, however, feel I can no longer trust her or her husband. What kind of 'relationship' can you have with someone who treats you like that? None, IMHO.

[Jade Fox]

38. I understand your stance perfectly.....n/t

[lavenderdiva]

39. Thanks for the affirmation! n/t

[barb162]

41. I agree; if she treats you like that, who needs her

Often someone will say you should forgive, but they are not the ones suffering through the wreckage. I didn't talk to my brother for a really long time after my mom died and though we talk today, it is not a friendly or close relationship.

Your moving truck story reminded me of another friend and this happened earlier this year. Her uncle was going into a nursing home so she was cleaning out his house and getting ready to put it upfor sale. Her cousin Joe from the next state decided he wanted the dining room set and dishes and several other things from the house. SO she was cleaning things out of the drawers, boxing them up, etc., for the truck and then she got a call from her brother that Joe had been in town the last two days with her brother and that they were seeing plays, checking out the sights, that he was staying at the most expensive hotel in town (Four Seasons),etc. She said why the fuck isn't he here helping me box THiS JUNK UP HE WANTED???????? and at that moment she decided to basically just throw her uncle's stuff in the boxes. SHe was steaming and she had every right to be.

[lavenderdiva]

57. man oh man! What is it with these people?

They obviously have the money, and the time to help, but just CHOOSE not to help OR contribute! And what is even more nerve-racking, is that they just don't understand WHY you are so upset about their behaviour and complete insensitivity! They brand you as 'emotional' or 'jealous' or something like that...

That reminds me of when, right after our Mother died (she passed 4 months after our Dad), my sister came into town, to check out our parents home, for what was left. She and her husband, who is VERY well off (they fly in babysitters to whereever in the world they are currently vacationing!) stayed in THE most expensive hotel in the city we were raised in. They stayed a weekend, ate at all the most expensive restaurants (the city we were raised in is known to be one of the best culinary experiences in the U.S.), hubbie kept calling his business contacts long distance from their hotel room for hours on end--charging it to the room, used almost everything from the mini-bar in the room. AND THEN HAD THE AUDACITY to submit EVERY receipt for EVERY expense to the estate (remember I am the executor) for reimbursement!!!!! Can you believe it? Absolutely incredible. Needless to say, the estate's attorney, whom I had hired, was aghast and said the IRS might have something to say about that, and eventually they paid their own bills, and retracted the request from the estate. I had told her that I didn't need her to even come that weekend after Mother died, that I would need her help later with the house, but she said she wouldn't be able to help me because she was pregnant. I guess it didn't matter at all, that I was working full-time at the time, and doing all this after work each and every night for months and months on end.

Sooooo, all that to say, when the truck pulled up and she refused to pay the driver, it wasn't for lack of funds! Nor did she ever once, offer to pay for some help to help me go thru Mother & Daddy's house, sorting and cleaning. It makes you wonder how you can come from the same gene pool.... Did your parents get the right baby at the hospital when she was born? It certainly gives one pause, at the very least.

[readmylips]

37. Thanks for all this information....

My hubby has only child, very spoiled, out-spoken, rude, and lazy. For for sure, he'll receive all his mother's money after she dies, which was actually my hubby's money, and will get a huge chunk of my hubby's money. He never made an attempt to better himself because his dad always made lots of money. Thank God, we live in different states.

Both my children are lawyers and don't need a penny from my hubby (stepfather). My children have advised me to close down my house, freeze all savings and investment accounts for six months, and to have funeral services in Philadelphia with my hubby's family, away from my state. My hubby has a scholarship account for each of his 4 grandkids. My lawyer son told me that my hubby is the first beneficiary, and those accounts become null. I want the kids to have that money for college but I will not put the money in their father's hands.

When a friend of ours husband died, when she returned home from the funeral her step children had already cleaned out her house to the bare bone. She had a tough time and expensive court orders to get her personal stuff.

[El Fuego]

40. I have been going through HELL.

Before my Dad died she lived far enough away she was not a part of our lives. I lived in the same city as my Dad and was very close to him. My sister couldn't be bothered to come here to help while my Dad was dying, but right after he died she swooped down like a vulture and moved into my Dad's house.

She thought that she could just take possession of the house and that there was nothing I could do about it. Then she pretended she was willing to sell the house and tricked me into getting a loan in my name for renovations since she has bad credit. After I put all the money into the house and did the work, she announced that she was just going to take it because she thought that was her "right" since I already owned my own house. I had to threaten to file a partition suit and get a lawyer involved.

Right now she's living in the house and forcing me to pay the mortgage because it's my credit at risk.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, it gets much, much worse than that. Do I hate her? Yes yes yes.

[barb162]

43. You can force her to sell it, correct?

Or she has to buy out your share if she wants to stay there. Since you have the mortgage, it's yours?

[SoCalDem]

66. Yep..put the house on the market

..

[El Fuego]

67. I can legally force the sale

The attorney told me it would cost a couple thousand to file a partition suit, and some people spend $10-15,000 before it's all over!

I found out that just because the mortgage is in my name only it doesn't mean that much, she is still on title. She can't buy me out because she has awful credit (bankruptcy, foreclosure) and does not have a job. She can't get a loan. She's handicapped her only real income is $500 a month in social security.

It's a big house in a desirable neighborhood and worth rather a lot of money in today's market. I'm having to pay the mortgage, taxes, insurance, etc. She thinks she can play the "handicapped card" and it will just be given to her. She tries to manipulate people so they will feel sorry for the handicapped person who's going to lose her childhood home. Never mind that she will get several hundred thousand dollars from the sale and can easily buy a new, smaller place.

I could go on and on... if only I were an only child!!!!!

[SoCalDem]

68. Instead of the lawyer route, try this..

Since she's handicapped, you cannot toss her out, so find an inexpensive apartment, rent it for her (probably cheaper than a lawyer)...then have some strong friends show up with you ..pack her stuff and MOVE her out.

Then rent the house out until she decides to sign..:)

[El Fuego]

70. I would love to do that but

She would probably call the police and it would turn into a huge melee.

A few months ago she told me she had changed the locks to keep me out of the house and I WENT BALLISTIC. I charged out there to demand she give me access to the house. She called the police! But all they did was tell her she had to give me a key.

AND, she is also a total wacko fundie. She says Jesus wants her to have the house. :eyes:

[SoCalDem]

71. Maybe a lawyer (paid out of estate money of course) would

convince her that she needs to move, or there will be no place for her to live..

[El Fuego]

72. Yes it will probably come to that.

I'll eventually get a lot of cash out of it all but it's like I'm paying for it with a pound of flesh. It's been bad for my health.

[Xithras]

79. It's going to be a nightmare when my parents die.

For financial reasons, my name is already on all of their major possessions and properties, and there will pretty much leaves everything except for a few heirlooms to me. My three sisters get squat.

They did this because financially I'm in the best position of any of my siblings (read: I'm the only one who's not either poor or in incredible debt). In theory this is a good idea...there isn't much they have that I need or want, just a few old photo albums and my dads gun collection, so they believe that I'll be the fairest arbiter. Everything else has been divvied up on paper already...with two major exceptions that will likely end up in court.

First, my dad owns two valuable pieces of property. The first, a home he built by hand back in the early 1970's, will be sold and its profits divided between my sisters. That should net them about $100,000 each, and I don't want a cut. The second property, however, is worth about 3/4 of a million and is a beautiful ranch on the Oregon coast. My parents have already said that they want it to remain in the family, my name is already on the deed, and I've assured them that it will NOT be sold. My sisters are ALREADY complaining about this, and my lawyer sister has already indicated that she'll be suing for a percentage of it so she can force its sale when they pass.

The second item is an old muscle car that my dad spent a decade restoring to facotry showroom condition, which has since won several awards at auto competitions. My dad's will states that it should a) first be offered to anyone in the family who wants to keep it, b) be donated to a car museum, or c) be sold at auction with the proceeds divvied between their grandchildren (the car is estimated to be worth about $80k, so we're not talking chump change). My sisters have already said that they want the car sold, but I don't want to see it go. According to his will, my desire to keep it will trump their desire to sell it. Once again, they're not happy with this and the threat to fight it out in court has already been floated.

[khashka]

42. Just happened

to my mother not me. My grandparents set up a trust so that all 3 kids would have equal shares in everything and escape inheritance taxes. Her brother and sister got together behind her back and divided everything up. They decided what they would let her have (not much). They gathered a few things in a box and gave it to her.... then her sister accused her of stealing a make up bag worth about 99cents!

It isn't even the stuff that bothers her - it's the sense of betrayal. She could get a lawyer and get her fair share but what's the point? She'd get the stuff but still be stuck with the betrayal...

It hurts her deeply. Things have been pretty rough here. Through the years of my grandmother's cancer and my grandfather's dementia my mother put her life on hold to take care of them. Her sister and brother were no where to be seen. Until it was time to split up the haul.

Khash.

[barb162]

44. Khash, I have seen this over and over

in so many families. The ones who are not around when the person is sick and dying are the ones who swoop in like vultures when the person dies.

[khashka]

46. Yeah

It seems like when this doesn't happen it's an exception to the rule. I'm a little bitter myself. I spent a lot of time with my grandfather, taking care of him, looking after him, just visiting him! None of which my aunt or uncle did. Nor any of the other grandchildren. I don't begrudge that at all. I got to spend time with him and be there when he needed someone. So what I got far outweighs any stuff. (Not that I would have inherited anything anyway).

However, my grandfather gave me his wedding ring many years ago. Before the dementia. After his death I gave it to my uncle. Because I knew he wanted it. He was the first born and the only son and it just seemed right and proper that it should pass to him. Even though it had been given to me. So I overlooked everything and gave it to him and the ratfuck bastard treats my mom this way? Yeah, I got a little resentment.

But I've heard the same sort of story from so many people.....

Khash.

[ellie]

45. No, not when my dad died, but

when my uncle died, he had things of our grandmother's that she wanted her granddaughters to have. Why he held on to all that stuff I will never know (she died in 1971, he died in 1996). We divvied everything up as we all sat at a table and my sister complained that "I got all the good stuff." She was sitting right there and could say if she wanted something or not! She is executor of my mother's estate and I know that I won't get a thing. It will be interesting. I have five brothers and two sisters total.

[steely]

47. Fat pig step brother took it all.

Married 20 some yrs, step dad's health declined and mom took care of him with a little help from me and sis. Step sisters all live out of state - we kept them informed, and step bro used to act like we were over-reacting to his dad's failing health. Anyway, when his dad died, he claimed everything (a few yrs ago), and has never called my mom since. Luckily, she owned her home. I hate his fat conniving guts, and his asshole (phony lay minister) wife.

Seems shit like this happens everytime someone dies, although not to this extent.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

48. Only child here, too

Folks were divorced when Dad died. He didn't leave anything but a '56 Ford. His dad sold it and sent me the money which my mom took away from me (well, I was only 14, what rights did I have?) Five years later when Grandpa died I shared his estate with my 5 aunts and uncles. Then the food fight started, first with one uncle (my Dad's oldest brother) saying I shouldn't share and the others saying I should. Then my mom trying to take my inheritence away from me and getting told to fuck off by my Dad's younger brother who was the executor. And the goofy part - we're not talking about jillions of bucks here, just what was left of his farm and rights to a poorly producing oil well.

[China_cat]

49. Well, mine isn't 'Daddy's dead'

but none of us siblings got anything from our mother when she died. My stepfather's girlfriend (who later became his second wife) took it all. What she didn't destroy, that is.

[gizmo1979]

50. My sister didn't wait for her to die

My mom had a nervous breakdown and was in a group home and she looted anything of value.Wedding ring included.

[Radio_Lady]

51. I am an only child. Everything was left to me by default (no will).

I had to go to a lawyer and spend money to get the remaining certificates of deposit.

My parents never wrote wills. That was very stupid, because he was a lawyer and she was his legal secretary.

Go figure...

[elehhhhna]

55. Here's a FUNNY one:

My Mom can get very petty and when my Grandfather (my Dad's Dad -- and my Dad had been dead himself for 15 years)died he evidently left everything to his daughter (who'd been caring foro him in her home). Everything means some old stuff, a couple thousand bucks maybe, etc. My Mom got bunchy with my Aunt over a card table. No kidding. She called me to complain and I finally got very frustrated and said "Mom, you're arguing about a bunch of old crap!What would Jesus do?" hoping she'd get off it and for once take the high road. I thought I was making headway antil my Husband interrupted with "Well, that's easy, honey! Jesus would take the old crap and turn it into really, really nice stuff!" And completely ruined the moment.

[OzarkDem]

56. Life is too short

to let these kinds of things split families up, no matter how traumatic it seems at the time.

Our dad died when we were little and our mom died of colon cancer when most of us were in our early 20's. I respected the fact that my older sister had to do a lot of work as her executor, settling the estate, paying medical bills, haggling with the insurance company.

My dear, precious mother had "that talk" with us kids before she passed, explaining how she wanted things handled. We could barely stand to be in the room to hear it, but we remembered it and stuck with what she wanted.

There were some disagreements over divvying up her household goods, items with sentimental but not monetary value, at the time, and some hard feelings. But we got over it. Most important to me was not "who got what" but whether the person who got it would take care of it. The standing rule was "if you ever get tired of that lamp/chair/candy dish, let someone else in the family have first dibs before you put it in a yard sale".

Like others have posted, I love just having her things around, even though she's been gone nearly 30 years now. Even though I now buy designer sheets and towels, I love her old discount store blankets and towels - as do my kids, who never knew her. I love her flour sifter, mixing bowls, recipe cards and casserole dishes. I see her case with her glasses every day when I open my bureau drawer. The few items left from my father are like precious artifacts to me which probably wouldn't even sell in the annual neighborhood garage sale. My sons have carefully stored away in a safe deposit box the inexpensive tie bars that belonged to their great grandfather who probably bought them at Sears.

Be patient. Years later, when others get tired of the property, etc. you can buy it back from them. We were probably fortunate because we lost both our parents at an early age and naturally stuck together. Respect what's important to another family member - a doily or knicknack which seems tacky to you may hold special memories for a brother,sister, cousin, etc.

Try to be patient and understanding of the family member serving as executor. Its a lot of hard work that goes on for at least a year, sometimes more. And remember to love your family enough to make a will of your own and leave written records of who you want to have a special lamp, vase, tool, car. And try to make some kind of final arrangements for yourself to spare them in a time of grief.

[grace0418]

58. My only hope is that my mom isn't in too much debt when she dies.

Because there isn't anything for us to fight over, no money or possessions. But if she lives a lot longer, there's going to be debt I imagine.

[Kire]

59. Mom did.

I truly think that the only reason she had me was so she could do this.

my aunt told me today that she finally found the original will that she tore up

[goodboy]

60. when my grandmother died, we found out that my aunt had stolen

my grandmother's entire estate...slowly, over a period of two years or so.

She also coerced my grandmother into changing her will shortly after her daughter (my mother) died to cut us out of her will completely.

nice huh?

[jmm]

61. It's my extended family that I worry about.

I was the only granddaughter and great granddaughter that my maternal grandma and great grandma had. I was very close to them. Before they each died they gave me some stuff that they wanted me, as the only girl in my generation and because I spent more time with them than most of their children, to have. I honestly couldn't have cared less about some of it. I'd trade all the china sets and jewelry to have them back but it did matter to some of my family. At my great grandma's funeral one of my grandma's sisters complained that I shouldn't have her mother's glass set. When my grandmother had the stroke that killed her I spent three days awake in the hospital waiting for all of my aunts and uncles to arrive before they took her off of life supports. On the last day I had an aunt complain that my grandma had promised her all of her jewelry when she died but that she gave most of it to me while she was still alive. I didn't ask for any of it but I refuse to let them have an of it. It mattered to them who they gave it to and I'd pawn it all for charity before I let some relative who never appreciated them profit from their death.

As much as I don't get along with my older sister I admire the way she handled her mother's death and doubt I'd go through this kind of drama with her. I get along well with my other siblings and can't picture them doing something like that.

[SoCalDem]

63. Death does that sometimes. I haven't spoken to my brother

since our father died (I was executor)..not even a word when our mother died..(my sister was executor on that one)..

I ended up having to get a lawyer to make sure my mother's will was properly seen to..

The sad thing..neither one had all that much, and yet the one brother and my sister tried to grab with all the gusto they could muster.:(

We have 3 sons (grown) and we are giving stuff to them while we are alive..and we have discussed with them (all together) what we wnat each of them to have..and we have asked THEM to tell us what they really want...sometimes parents THINK that a kid wants something, and they couldn't care less about it.. For instance, we gave our dining set and hutch full of grandmother's antique dishes & stuff to our oldest and the things he wanted most were the paperweights that grandma let him play with as a little boy.. I might have sold them at a garage sale someday, thinking that they meant nothing to anyone.

[pitohui]

64. parents alive and well but plenty of horror stories here

i could type all day sharing such stories

people, if you want someone to have something, give it to them now, if they are nice decent people they don't get it after you die, the vultures do


my friend is going thru this right now, the housekeeper stole everything, millions of $$$, my friend got nothing, the housekeeper even concealed that her cousin was dead and had a secret funeral w. an entire fake family, will has disappeared, $$$ has disappeared, bank acct changed to housekeeper's name w/out any probate, police don't do anything, it's a "civil" manner to steal from old people

[bikebloke]

65. Have a sibling corrupt to the core

It (deliberate pronoun) was raised differently in the same household. Was rewarded for being a thief and pathological liar. Never finished school. My father was supporting it and its husband and brood for years. His great folly of life. Finally, he said no more free money. Heard not a peep from them. Finally smokng caught up with him. It was suddenly hovering by his deathbead with dollar signs in its eyes. Asking about his will (He said it was written. Ha ha. He never wrote one.). The trash was furious after he died.

Unfortunately, my father had stored the family relics (papers and old photos) that my grandmother had with it when he moved to Florida. I kept telling him to retrieve them before they were destroyed. Legally, they're mine as I'm the first born. Too late. At least researching on my own I've got some history on paper.

One good thing about the collapsing economy. That sibling trash will be one of the first to go under.

[elehhhhna]

69. My girls are 9 & 11. They've already split up my jewelry.

If that sounds creepy , fine. They are best friends and I will not have them fighting over "stuff".

[graywarrior]

73. Hell yeah.

My brother wouldn't share the insurance money with my sister or me. He stole everything he could out of the house. He took my mothers wedding ring off her finger 10 minutes after she died. My mother promised had it to me in front of the entire family a few weeks before she died. Then he hawked it.

My dad let his girlfriend (drinking buddy) of 5 years(whom we found out about 6 months before my mother died) move into the house 3 days after my mothers funeral.

The list goes on and on. Tis why I stay far away from my family.

[MaryBear]

74. I've learned that this is very common.

Death of a loved one seems to bring out all the childhood rivalries and some of the dark side of some. Back off if you can, and know the THINGS of your loved one are not that person. You will always have the person. Also know the behavior of others is how they are in fear and aloneness and grief - not a pretty part of them - but if you can let it be just that - n0t a pretty part of them - and not engage, you will be the better for it. And if you can know this part of them is there and still be in relationship do go for it. I myself have not done well with this, but my brothers and I do speak. And they are Republicans.

[Beausoir]

78. That's why I decided I didn't want anything.

All I want is to honor the memory of my mother and father in this.

I WILL come out of this with my dignity still in tact and I WILL NOT have said anything hurtful to anyone in the process.

I have just kept my mouth shut and completely backed-away.

I just don't want to say something that I will regret for many years...so I say nothing.

The problem is..that makes her even MORE furious.

[MaryBear]

85. She may only know how to grieve through anger.

Her fury may well have more to do with your parents than with you. What do you think it's about?

[Arkana]

75. Oh, God...when my great-aunt died, my mother's family flipped.

No one speaks to one another anymore. It was the most awful thing I've ever seen. I was only nine.

[maveric]

76. Only my brother & I. The will was simple and straight forward.

Now if my youngest brother were still alive, there may have been a dispute.
Everything was split 50/50, we sold her house and will split those proceeds 50/50.

[silverpatronus]

80. it's so strange reading all these stories about divided families...

i guess it's culture shock. everything here belongs to the family, nothing can be done with anything without a unanimous agreement and nothing 'goes' to anyone. my mum and aunts and one uncle 'own' the house since the others didn't want a 'share', and they, collectively, have left it to their children. nobody 'gets' the house, it belongs to all of us, cannot ever be sold (stipulation of my grandmother's) and has enough space for everybody to live in if we need to. my sisters and i would never bicker over our parents' possessions, there's no need, everything belongs to the house. my dad has property that will go to all of us, again with a stipulation that it cannot be sold (property is important to a family of women. if you have property, you never need to stay in a bad situation) and again 'going' to everyone. i don't get the idea that an individual needs to own an estate or part of it solely and that everything must be split up. this family has always been a collective, and everything is done collectively.

[CanuckAmok]

81. My half-sister and her mom took everything when my dad died.

They didn't even inform me that he had died; I found out by accident, two years later.

[WCGreen]

84. You want to avoid all of this....

After my mother knew she was going to die, she had us go though the house and put a little sticker on the stuff we wanted...

Morbid yes, arguements after the funeral, none

[u4ic]

86. Somebody in my family didn't even wait for my mom to die

they stole her beloved crucifix from her as she lay dying and on strong meds :grr: I can't even begin to tell you how much that cross meant to her. Her faith was her life.

One sister, who my mom had also bought the same crucifix for, gave up hers so she could be buried with one.