Grandma Visit

[bertha katzenengel]

My sisters send me these emails every time they visit our grandmother, aged 88, at the home where she lives. Grandma has dementia, not Alzheimer's. She has precious little memory of anything.

This is one of the most detailed G'ma Visit emails I've rec'd in a while. Some visits are more eventful than others. ;)

When I arrived Grandma was just coming out of the restroom, obviously bothered about something, and it took a minute for her to realize I was a relative and not another caregiver. Soon she was introducing me as her sister; everything was fine. We went into the activities room where the people were gathered for the dogs' visit (pet therapy). Since the air conditioner was making the curtains move, Grandma didn't want to sit next to the window. We moved over a little bit but she was still worried about feeling cold. Thank goodness the dogs arrived just then.

Grandma wanted to make conversation with the dog people, so I translated a little bit (Grandma's vocabulary is limited). One thing I didn't have to translate was when she asked the man if he had "a mom here," and he told us his mother is a resident in the Assisted Living Center next door. (He has no babies; just his dog and his horse.)

Grandma didn't pet the dogs, but clearly enjoyed them anyway. When the caregivers passed out little bowls of canned pears, I didn't want any but changed my mind when Grandma got mad. Really, what is wrong with that silly caregiver, giving Grandma a bowl and not me? Why did she just walk away? Well! It saves an hour of explanation if I just take the bowl as soon as it's offered. "Just say yes." The orange juice was good, too.

We had a good time talking about the dogs and other stuff, while I looked around recognizing some of the residents. There are two men who can get around independently: a short one that's rather bald -- he told Grandma "You're a beautiful woman" last time I was there -- and a tall one with all his hair. Before the dogs arrived these two men were sitting together, but the short one left. Helen was waving to me, and though I couldn't find Grandma's roommate Peggy, most of the usual faces were there, including the angry lady in the merry-walker (who didn't pick any fights this time).

As we sat there waiting for another dog to make the rounds, the tall man with hair, who was one empty chair away from Grandma, suddenly moved the empty chair forward about two feet. There seemed to be no reason, but what do I know? It didn't bother anyone, so there it sat. The man ignored Grandma when she tried to make conversation with him. She wouldn't give up. She yelled "Hey!" at him, then "Hey, Daddy!" twice, but he wasn't listening. Finally she reached over the empty space and slapped him on the arm -- not lightly, either. I was so shocked I forgot what she asked him, but he just looked at her a second then ignored her again anyway. THEN she gave up. We decided he can't hear.

After the dogs left we stayed in our chairs chatting. I was distracted for a minute because all of a sudden the tall man was behind the angry lady's merry-walker. She was yelling at him to get his hands off. He slowly pushed her forward about ten feet while she cussed at him all the way, slapping at his hands the best she could. The caregivers had a hard time getting through to him that this was not okay, and he couldn't seem to let go. When he finally did, he was smiling.

Dinner and a show.

Pretty soon another caregiver asked Grandma to play piano. She protested a little bit, but got up and walked over with me. She made me sit on the bench with her for my punishment. I didn't recognize the first song she played; she tried a little bit of "You Are My Sunshine" and some bits of other songs. The caregivers and residents clapped for her. Again I was distracted because the tall man was moving chairs immediately behind me; I had to grab my purse from one. Grandma continued playing, but stopped to stand up and yell "HEY!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!" at the same man who was now in her line of sight pulling the curtains away from the windows.

Grandma has a very powerful and dramatic "hey." The caregiver very calmly helped the man to stop messing with the curtains, and Grandma muttered something then played a few more bits of songs.

Then it was time for me to start the goodbye process. We were leaving the activities room when one of the caregivers told me an interesting story. She said Grandma is always very nice, but had a recent difficulty when she angrily went into a resident man's room (he wasn't there at the time), took one of his Depends insisting it was hers, and lay down on his bed insisting that it was her room. The caregiver didn't argue with her, but instead let her lie there a few minutes until she was calm, then led her out.

As soon as the caregiver was done with her story and I thanked her for her patience, Grandma introduced me to her. "This is my -- Susan. You are Susan, aren't you?" (Grandma had the name right - !!!)

We had almost cleared the foyer when Grandma saw four non-residents heading down the hallway toward the bedrooms. She stiffened and said, "What's this? What's going on?" I told her they were taking a tour, but she bustled pretty quickly toward them and angrily yelled, "HEY!!! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" The woman giving the tour said, smiling, "We're just taking a tour." Grandma followed them anyway. I said, "They are not going to your room, Grandma." She didn't believe me, so we followed them a little bit more. Then Grandma said she needed the restroom -- the chase was off! I could have waited for her, but it seemed better to say goodbye just then. She walked me as far as the automatic door. Love, love, love.

Please God, let her still be with us in November, so she can say to me, "and you're the BIG one!"