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The Infinite Improbability Drive basically makes things that are infinitesimally close to impossible happen. Were you to push that button, the following would happen:
1. Tom Delay resigns and hands documents over to a prosecutor detailing his campaign finance and ethics lawbreaking, but not before calling for a real investigation into the Bush administration's lies about Iraq.
2. FOXNews reacts: Hannity and Colmes have Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh on to discuss Delay's resignation. The whole time, the scrolling banner at the bottom of the screen reads:
We're sorry... FOXNews has been neither fair nor balanced... We will carry no more stories about Aruba, runaway brides, or persistent vegetative states...
HANNITY: We're here to discuss Speaker Tom Delay's resigna...
COLMES: Shut the hell up, Sean. I'm taking over. Now, I've been a complete pansy for the sake of a paycheck, but I'm through. OK, so Delay resigned. About damn time. I can't recall a more corrupt leader of a more corrupt Congress in United States history.
HANNITY: You know, he's right...
COLMES: Shut UP, you little shit. Now, Ann Coulter, I would say thanks for dropping by, but I don't really give a damn that you did. In fact, I can't think of a single reason why you've been given a public forum, you waste of space. Comments, not that I care?
COULTER: Well, Tom Delay's been a scumbag all along. You know it, I know it. I don't know how many columns I've written to try to take the focus off of him, but it's a lot. Speaking of, I quit today. No more columns. I'm tired of spewing terrible lies for a living. You know, it just gets to you when you look in the mirror. I'm going to relax, go eat something, and figure out how I'm going to make a living after donating my ill-gotten money to charity. I'm thinking about doing volunteer work at an anorexia hotline.
COLMES: Well, it's about damn time you did something halfway useful. You just keep your stupid ass quiet in the future. OK, Rush?
HANNITY: Aren't you being just the slightest bit impolite?
COLMES: All right, you've had it.
*Colmes backhands Hannity. Hannity retreats to the far corner of the set, sobbing... not with pain, but remorse.*
COLMES: Well, don't just sit there with your mouth open like an idiot, Rush. Say something. You've never been at a lack for words before.
LIMBAUGH: I know, and I'm ashamed of it. You see, though, I'm under the influence of Oxycontin right now, and I don't think it'd be responsible for me to offer an opinion. Especially since I don't know a thing even when I'm sober.
COLMES: Well, I guess that's it for the fricking show, then. Thanks, morons, for the as-always intelligent commentary. Thanks a lot for the empty air space I gotta fill up. Oh, I know a space-filler. Some one call that son of a bitch O'Reilly.
PRODUCER: O'Reilly quit today. He said he couldn't go through the shame of getting on camera with all of the people he's lied to. He said something about contacting his book publisher and getting them to issue a recall of his Factor for Kids book.
3. W holds an impromptu press conference beside his truck. The truck is filled with documents. W starts to talk, but very quickly stutters into silence. Cheney takes over, telling the press that W can't talk without his earpiece. When asked about the documents, Cheney reveals that the documents do two things: 1) they detail exactly how the Bush administration has screwed up domestic and foreign policy; and 2) detail the history of the Bush family. Cheney says, "Kitty Kelley was right." When asked about resignation, Cheney states that no one from the Bush administration is resigning. They're going to stay in office so that they can be impeached, convicted, and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Cheney states that Karl Rove has prepared detailed impeachment documents and forwarded them to Barbara Boxer.
4. FreeRepublic goes into high gear. Every poster expresses disgust with the Republican Party, states that s/he has been wrong all along, and supports the Rove/Boxer impeachment documents. All call for an immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq, to be followed by a national apology to Iraq and the world, a food/health/aid package worth hundreds of billions (funded by a steep tax on the top 5%). Some call for dropping Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Rove, and assorted members of Congress into Iraq in chains.
You want improbable? That's improbable. Whale appearing out of nowhere? Much more probable.
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