U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons

[underpants]

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133&n=1

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Defense Intelligence Agency suggests that there is reason to believe that the former Soviet republic of Nukehavistan may be manufacturing nuclear weapons.



The report cited several factors that aroused the DIA's suspicion, including the recent ratification of the Nukehavistan Nuclear Pro-Proliferation Treaty, the hawk clutching several nuclear weapons in the Nukehavistani government seal, and the July release of the commemorative "Great Nuclear Weapons Of Nukehavistan" stamp series.

"Nukehavistan's topography is dominated by flat, featureless stretches of gypsum and alkali, punctuated by the occasional deep crater and the twisted remains of metal structures," Jacoby said. "Its main exports are surplus Geiger counters, Tyvek fabric, and radioiodine-laced milk, and its only known import is weapons-grade plutonium."

Human intelligence-gathering is reportedly very difficult in the isolated, landlocked country. Nukehavistan's borders are tightly patrolled by its army, and foreigners must receive an official and hard-to-obtain visa to enter the country. However, according to the U.S. State Department, tourism has increased over the past 10 years. The tiny nation is visited most frequently by vacationers from Iran, North Korea, and Pakistan.

In the summer issue of Jane's Defense Quarterly, Brian Walters, an expert in former Soviet republics, argued that the DIA's suspicion was founded in cultural bias.

"Nukehavistanis' traditional dress consists of elaborately embroidered lead aprons with hoods and large lead-shielded visors," Walters said. "Their folk music possesses a droning quality comprising two high-pitched concurrent tones at a frequency identical to that of the old Emergency Broadcast System of the Cold War era."

[ZombieNixon]

1. We should have seen this coming.

I always said that President Reagan's decision to give Nukehavistanian corpoarations exclusive rights to the manufacture of American nukes was a bad one.

[underpants]

2. Would you PLEASE stop blaming America

for America's problems!?!?!

We all know that the problems America faces are from the Japanese and the liberals.