It always happens the minute I let my guard down (romance rant)

[MissMillie]

Jay and I have been friends for years. This spring, he started showing more of a romantic interest in me, and after spending some time together I was starting to feel something more for him too. He treated me really nice, and I enjoyed his company... not just the attention.

He took me to see Jimmy Buffet, and we had a marvelous time.

He was talking about going away for a weekend. This made me a little nervous (let's just say that after years of hurt, my heart is better guarded than Ft. Knox) but I was thinking that maybe it was time to let my guard down just a little and go away w/ him. I even dared to think that I might be falling in love.

Then, I completely stopped hearing from him. I called a couple of times, and he kept saying how busy he was. I sent a few emails and got no response. So I just gave up.

I found out last night (from a mutual friend of ours) that he's seeing someone else. I'm told that this woman is always jumping into his life whenever she needs something and then quickly out of his life and he always ends up getting hurt. I guess she is just the one person he can't seem to get out of his system.

The friend tells me to just sit tight, that he'll be back.

But if I let him back in doesn't that make me as much of a sucker as he is?

It's not that I'm totally against forgiving him (mind you, not for dating someone else as much as for pulling a complete disappearing act) but the guard is back up, and every time it goes up, it gets harder to bring it down.... I've been dating for 23 years and it seems I still haven't learned to pick a guy who won't end up hurting me.

[Shell Beau]

1. I am all for forgiving him, but

if he is so weak for this other woman, who is to say she won't jump back in his life again. Sorry to say, but maybe y'all are better off as friends. I know there is another man for you out there.

[demnan]

2. Forgive him but just be friends

He made his choice, too bad he didn't have enough guts to face you and tell you directly. You don't need to be anyone's consolation prize. Been there, done that.

[BlueJazz]

3. You're a better person than I am.....

If it was me, I'd tell him/Her to hit the road.

One of the things that I think about is: >>>..

"You know, it's not the 70's or 80's...there are SO many more threats to Your/My health today...Aids, Etc...that I will NOT go with somebody who continues to see/screw other people. I don't need or want any "Surprises" in my life."

[MissMillie]

4. Our relationship hadn't gone that far

Like I said, I don't know that I want to be available when this woman dumps him again.

The other poster who said "consolation prize" hit the nail on the head.

[BlueJazz]

5. Oh..I've been there and I understand,,..it's just someday

(if) your relationship does go that far, you want someone who is not going to bring anything to the love-making except his-self. :)

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. Perhaps trust your friends.

Could be that the guy needs to work this woman out of his system before he can offer more commitment to you, and that's what he's doing this time.

Plus, as you say, it's not like you were officially dating, so he really had no reason not to start dating someone else.

[MissMillie]

7. not so much the dating

the disappearing act.... that's bad enough, isn't it?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

8. He'd rather be with someone who uses him and treats him like shit

That is his problem, not yours.

Your problem will be if you wait around for him. If he comes back, then you do need to confront that he totally dropped out of communication with you and that that is not how you wish to be treated by someone who reportedly cares about you. Don't sweep it under the carpet. Level with him.

[NashVegas]

9. Come Sit Here By Me

I just got similarly yanked by a "nice guy." When I took the bait in no uncertain terms, he balked but said he didn't want anything to change. Two days later I called him up to request some time to discuss what had happened, he agreed and then the next day brought his 'friend with benefits' around (we work in the same building). Called me later to say he couldn't make our meeting. Since then she's been here almost every morning and it looks like they've gone from friendship with benefits to just plain benefits. If he ever does get the balls for a sit-down, whatever I've got to say isn't going to be as nice as it was originally intended.

Guys can be such assholes.

[I Have A Dream]

19. I've seen women do the same thing. n/t

[NashVegas]

23. I'm Sure You Have

But that's not today's subject.

[I Have A Dream]

28. I always get p*ssed when people make generalizations...

like this about women, so I figured that if a man would see this, they might feel the same way. My point was that there's at least one woman who realizes that it's not just men who have the ability to be a*holes.

[Doctor_J]

10. If I knew what causes such behavior

I would be rich and living far from Smirkland. I just can't figure it out. I was recently interested in a very nice woman, who I'd known for several years, thought we were compatible on a platonic level, but it never got past pool games and the beer-with friends stage. When I tried to advance ever so slightly, it all went away.

Leave it be for now, if he comes back, start your re-kindling with a frank discussion about this other person.

[fudge stripe cookays]

11. So sorry Millie..

I've been there.

I would walk. The poster discussing consolation prizes was right. You do NOT need that.

Go get a massage, a pedicure, and buy yourself something pretty. As they say, looking good is the best revenge.

My aunt told me soemthing years ago that stuck with me during the worst of my dating periods. Don't worry about winning them. They should be winning YOU. If they don't, they're not worth your time.

I was very gunshy with reprehensor, and he COURTED me. Even from 1500 miles away, he reassured me CONSTANTLY. I wasn't used to it, and almost balked from HIM, because he was so ARDENT. With every step, he was right there with me. It kinda freaked me out that anybody could be that into ME. Then I realized that this was the way everything was SUPPOSED to work. I just had never been treated like a princess before.

That's what you need. A REAL man. He's out there. And when you meet him, you'll truly know. All the past bad experiences will just fade away.

I was 32 when I finally met Mr. Right. Don't despair.
:hugs: FSC

[MissMillie]

12. 32... I wish were 32....

Seriously though, this guy WAS courting me... and it just ended abruptly.

And I know I'm better of w/o him if this is what he's capable of... I guess I just thought that since we were friends, things would be different this time.

[fudge stripe cookays]

13. Argh.

Dontcha hate that? Lying bastard. They act like they're so into you, then NOTHING.

Don't give up. That's all I can say. Go hibernate for awhile, and when you're ready, jump back in the pool.

FSC

[redqueen]

14. ...

:hug:

If you can stay friends that'd be great... you deserve a better romantic partner, though.

[khashka]

15. Men suck

But building a wall around your heart won't help. A little common sense might.... Sure, forgive him. But don't fall in love with him. Just stay friends.

I said men suck but really it's dating that sucks. But you are a great lady and there is a great guy out there just looking for you. You gotta be able to see him when he finally shows up :) So no more Ft. Knox, OK?

Khash.

[Midlodemocrat]

16. So sorry, Miss Millie.

:hug:

[LissaM]

17. I think if you forgive him,

some ground rules need to be set. Like no more contact with that particular girl. I'm not a jealous person, and I don't believe in restricting people from contacts, but if something like that were to happen I would suggest that he break ties with her. Don't give him an ultimatum, just let him know how you feel. I'm sorry that you had to find out through another person that he was seeing someone else. Maybe this will be the final time with her, maybe he needs closure with this particular individual, I don't know.

I'd be a hypocrite if I told you to get over him. I have an ex that I pray every day will come back... And this is after a year of going out there and dating other people. I guess the more people I date, the more I realize how right that particular one was for me. Maybe he will do the same.

[I Have A Dream]

18. Forgive him, but I wouldn't date him again.

This woman's going to do this again at some point, and you'll be burned again. One good thing is that he didn't see you both at the same time behind your back. (I'll give him credit there.)

Sorry that this happened to you, MissMillie. I'm sure that there's a wonderful person out there looking for you. Don't tie yourself to someone who isn't totally committed to you.

:hug:

[LynneSin]

20. Sweetie - he may be back - but you shouldn't be

life's to short to spend it with idiots!

[miss_kitty]

21. "...sit tight, that he'll be back.."???

And then he'll be gone again when Madam X snaps her fingers. He's into her, but not into you. Don't make the same mistake he is making with her. JMHO, but I'd try to salvage the friendship, and cast a wider net. Your timing's bad with this one.

It's heartbreaking when this happens. I am sorry.

[I Have A Dream]

29. Actually, maybe the timing's good with this, ya know?

Better that it happened now rather than later when she really would have had her heart broken.

[ernstbass]

22. Protect yourself MissMillie

He may come back but how long until he leaves again? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior - you don't need this shit in your life. And yep, I know all about the 20+ years of dating. Sorry you're having a hard time

[nini]

24. He's not being a very good 'friend'

I doubt he would be very good at a partner. Sorry for your hurt but you deserve better than being someone's second choice.

[WCGreen]

25. You don't wanna be a holler back girl.....

I've been waiting a long time to say that..........

Seriously, if he goes back to her at the drop of a hat, what makes you think he will stay with you.....

Screw him.....

[no name no slogan]

26. aw, that totally sucks

some men can be such asses. and, they give the rest of us a bad name, too.

this guy still has some serious issues with the other woman. i would keep it "just friends" until he figures out what the hell he wants.

take care of yourself dear :hug: :pals:

[skygazer]

27. I can SO relate to this

And even though I'm in a relationship that has lasted over four years so far, I am still so very, very guarded. I cannot let myself depend on another because I'm so afraid of being let down. I cannot let myself fully love anyone because everyone I've ever loved has vanished from my life (mostly via death - sometimes I feel like a jinx). I cannot let myself need someone because when I need them, they disappear.

I know my inability to let go of that guardedness is often itself what sabotages the relationships but I can't seem to let the guard down - whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was full of crap, IMO. :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

30. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, skygazer.

When death's involved, it's especially hard. Often we feel angry at the person who died even though it's not rational because the person didn't choose to leave us, and then we feel guilty because we're angry at them. There are so many emotions involved -- anger, guilt, intense sadness, loneliness.

Maybe you've aleady done this, but speaking with a therapist might help to deal with some of the issues. Sometimes in situations like this, we don't even realize that there are all of these emotions swirling around us -- we just feel lost and alone. I can understand why you'd have feelings of abandonment even though they didn't choose to leave you.