Need Advice about my friend's marital problems

[bleedingheart]

This summer I posted about a friend of mine who was very verbally abusive to her husband and especially to her kids (using the f-word) with her two year old...etc...

I sensed that she was "losing it" and I spoke to her husband and urged him to get her some help because I was concerned that she was going over the deep end and that she needed to get help.

He got counseling for himself privately since that was one of the steps recommended for people confronting an abusive spouse who isn't interested in counseling.

Well all hell must have broken loose because she found out that I had urged him to help get her help... and she has sent me an email confronting me about it.

This is the situation...I am going to hold my ground even if it dissolves a 17 year friendship because she needs help. Basically she has a husband that worships the ground she walks on and she yells at him daily..more like screams at him. She has two healthy beautiful kids that have been trained not be a bother to mommy...and when they are...they are screamed at also.
She has every material delight most people would be happy with.. a 4000 sq ft house, three cars, luxurious vacations, and way way more...but she is a miserable person...Her husband has even enrolled the kids in full time daycare to give her more time to cope...and she is a stay at home mother...she originally quit her job because she hated it and wanted more time with the kids...but now they are back in daycare because she can't cope which is good for them but shows how crazy this situation is getting...meanwhile he confessed to my husband that their budget is running them in to a hole because she spends more on stuff to pacify herself rather than get the root of the problem!!!!

I don't want to get involved in their personal fights but I kmow that she bears most of the responsibility for their problems. Has anyone been in this situation before and what is the best approach?

By the way I am glad her husband has sought professional help...

[populistmom]

1. Hold your ground

I am a mom and this woman has the cushiest, easiest life I've ever heard of- a stay at homemom with day care, money to burn, a nice husband and she treats her children like that? The women needs help and unless she begins to face some consequences for her actions, she won't change. Poor kiddos. They need a nice mommy.

[roguevalley]

2. Don't bend. The best thing you can do is hold your position.

The husband has to make the biggest move and give it to her cold:
Either get help or get out. The kids have to come first because
kids become what they know. Tell this person she is raising abusers.

[bleedingheart]

7. I think that he must have confronted her...she recently called me

about something and I could just sense she was boiling over about something inane... I kept trying to calm her down but I think she went after him and this time he is getting help and I think he is realizing how damaging this environment is.

[bleedingheart]

4. I recall one time when we visited years ago and we were sitting

in the breakfast room of her home...she started to rail on and on about how what she had was..."nothing"...she demeaned her husband and he just went out and mowed the lawn...my husband never wanted to visit her again... now that she has kids it seems to have gotten worse.

I think her husband has seriously thought about leaving her but he is fearful that she will use the children against him. He is the only one who is really involved with them but that is only during the evenings. the rest of the day they spend with her. Meanwhile she takes them for 3 hour trips to Lowes to pick out carpeting and then pitches a fit because they are unhappy about spending so much time in the store....as I recall 2 and 4 year olds can't sit still for 10 minutes...these poor kids sit in buggies for hours while she shops and then she screams because they get cranky...

[liberalhistorian]

3. Was she always like this,

or is this something that started fairly recently? If she wasn't always like this, there has to be a reason for her change in behavior and why she's so miserable. Whether it's physical or psychological doesn't really matter. The point is that SOMETHING is causing it, and her husband needs to get to the root of the problem. If this means forcing her into getting a complete physical and psychological workup, then that's what he has to do. Is it at all possible she could be using drugs or alcohol, or possibly be overmedicating herself with something such as valium, xanax or something like that?

[bleedingheart]

5. she was always somewhat high-spirited but to be honest

she has been miserable in marriage from day one. Her parents are a model for the world's worst marriage and I am not joking. Her parents fight continuously and I think that since she was raised in this environment she thinks it's normal. I think the only reason her parents never divorced was because they were religious...and they didn't want to share her.

How her husband has been with her over 10 years is a mystery to me. I am not a professional but I think that she really doesn't know what it is to be loved in a normal way. Its almost like those tales of the feral children... she was raised in such a bizarre environment that she is damaged. However tha said I think that she may be able to get help but through a very professional work up..perhaps even a hospital stay...

The problem is that she has kids...and they shouldn't suffer through this. Its not fair to them...

[RBitt]

9. friend

Try to find out what she is afraid of. Sometimes just asking might help. Admitting that some thing is scaring the daylights out of you is a start. People who do a lot of yelling also tend to think that they a right about everything and the rest of us, well... I was once asked by someone, if I was so right, why was I so miserable. Some time a push to the mirror might help, if not, nothing you can do, you know that when the student is ready, the teacher will be there. goo

[bleedingheart]

10. I have heard her mention Xanax in passing...what does that do?

I thought it was an antacid...(going to google it..)

[Interrobang]

16. Xanax is a tranquilizer.

It sounds like she needs some. I can't imagine that she'd be acting like that if she were actually using it. Tranks are nice, transparent drugs. You know you still have problems, and you know that the drug's acting on you, but you just care about them less.

This woman desperately needs help. Does your area have an emergency/on-demand mental healthcare crisis centre? I'd suggest that her husband take her to one of them the next time she has a major flare-up. In the meantime, if you really want to help, you can look up all the available services in your area.

[drfemoe]

6. I'm wondering what the professional says

about all this. Depending on the state, he might want to look at legal advice too for getting her into treatment. She may even have an undiagnosed medical problem. Hormonal imbalance comes to mind.

If not that, certainly a lot of repressed anger which will still affect her health and the health of her family.

I would encourage her to seek medical treatment as opposed to 'anger management' or something like that. Of course she should see a psychiatrist too imo. A few days for rest and diagnosis at a hospital wouldn't hurt her.

This is extreme, and if what you're describing isn't as severe as I'm reading, then I'll just butt out ;)

[bleedingheart]

8. Oh it is severe...take my word for it....very severe

Have you ever see that goofy Anna Nicole show? Well have you ever seen when she is at her most selfish point...the times when she screams at everyone like a child? (I have only watched it a few times but it reminds me so much of her..) that is what life is like for my friend's husband every day... he lives with a much meaner version of that.

[supernova]

11. She needs professional help

and evaluation for meds. She needs a good psychiatrist and possibly a social worker.

My sister in law is very similar. She can be abusive if she gets off her meds. She is a stay at home; my brother is an instructor at the community college. I don't know how he survives to tell you the truth.

Hold your ground. Even if she is abusive toward you. Keep consistent. Decide what your message is to her and repeat the same song over and over. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Keep being supportive of the husband; he's going to need it. And let the chips fall where the may.

[seventhson]

19. My advice - tell her your opinion and stay out of the marriage issues

as well as the parenting issues.

we are all under great stress and she sounds like she has her share for whatever reassons (sounds like PTSD).

Tell her you are concerned about her and that the things she does are hurting HER as well as - you believe - her kids. Tell her you know it is none of your business and apologize to her (even if you don't mean it).

She cannot be bullied into help. She must find that by herself.

But you can say you will there for her when and if she needs you to help her if she thinks she needs help.

I work with folks like this. Most are so streessed form environmental factors they can never get to help on their own. But the door must be openmed for them and hopefully she will enter when the time is right.

But interventions like yours can backfire and make things worse.

Be there for her. Don't try to make her live what YOU believe is the life she should live.

The F word is just a word. It will not hurt the kids. Especially if it is like any other word. Locking her up might hurt her AND the kids and the marriage.

But that is her husbands call.

good luck and let ME know what happens

[sam sarrha]

12. I had one of those psycho bitches stab me twice and bite off a chunk of

my shoulder. she got into psychotic jealous rages and hit me with blunt objects... except the knife and the carving fork she put thru my hand aiming at my face. she finally took our 2 year old and ran off with 2 hookers and a drug dealer... never saw her again. you just got to go on with life. they wont change till they hit rock bottom...some take more than one bounce.

[bleedingheart]

13. holy smokes...I don't think she is that bad

and I don't think she knows any hookers...

[raysr]

15. I'd stay out of it

They'll reconcile and you'll be the bad guy. Happens every time. Job for the pros.

[Nlighten1]

14. My ex-wife was like this....

crazy bitch...we tried counselling but it "wasn't for her" it was for me only.

[sam sarrha]

18. My X finally decided to go to counceling... only first she told the

councilor a bunch of lies that i was dangerous...it was arranged that when i 'signed in'...i actually "COMMITTED" myself. It took me a week to get out... and when i got home she had stolen and sold everything i owned except the clothes on my back. the house was completely empty, she only left the carpet. called my boss and got me fired and screwed my best friend...I am just glad i didn't have a dog...Talk about a clean break!!!

[Skittles]

17. Hold your ground

you were concerned for her child; children are everyone's business. Stop focusing on the material things she has and realize she may be depressed or suffering from a mental condition.