Thanks to all of you who offered up hugs the other night

[Not_Giving_Up]

I've decided to talk about what was going on, and if I become fodder who those with lower intellects, so be it.

My father left when I was two years old, never to be seen or heard from again. I had no contact with his side of the family because my mother's parents had her convinced that the other side would steal me away.

When I was in sixth grade, I walked into my math class to find a substitute teacher with the same last name as mine (not a common one). It turned out that she was my aunt, married to my father's brother. I was reunited with my grandparents, aunt, and uncle, as well as four cousins. I spent Spring Break with them every year, most of my summers, and a couple of winter breaks as well. No one would talk about my father, but I felt welcomed and loved.

As an adult, I started noticing that I was not invited to see my cousins graduate or get married. I learned that my grandfather had been brought to Houston for heart surgery, but I wasn't told about it until he was back home. A cousin that lived 15 minutes from me got married - they flew people in from out of state and out them up in hotels - but I found about it afterwards from my grandmother. I couldn't help but feel that I was being left out of these events because my father would be present, even though they all claimed not to know at all where he was. I didn't call them for a while, and when I tried again, ALL of the numbers were disconnected. Three households that had always had the same numbers were now changed. No new listings for any of them.

I've looked online, but to no avail. That is, until Saturday night. I googled my grandmother's name, and found a listing for an obituary. It was her. She died in January, and no one contacted me. My mother's phone number has not changed, and they had called there before and been given my number...Why not now? I just don't understand. Through a website called findagrave.com, I was able to find where she is buried, so at least I will be able to pay my respects in spite of my family. I just have to work up the gas money for a mega road trip.

[Guaranteed]

1. You're not alone.

It's alright.

[Not_Giving_Up]

3. I guess I'm not

I just figured that if someone died, they'd tell me about it. I don't know if my grandfather still lives in the house, or what is going on. I've been searching now to try to track my cousins down.

[RevCheesehead]

2. That is really sad.

I'm sorry about all the brokenness in your family. And my condolences on the loss of your grandmother. :hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

5. Thanks

She was my favorite, too. I lived with my mom's parents for many years, and we did not get along. They were more concerned about appearances, instead of what was really going on. My Nana listened, talked, and cared.

[Wapsie B]

4. I am so sorry.

[Redstone]

6. Christ, why would you be "fodder" for anyone?

You tell a touching and painful story, and if I could do ANYTHING to help you feel better, I'd do it.

Anyone gives you a hard time, send them to me and I'll issue them a correction.

Hang in there. It's a tough time for you, and hasn't ever been easy, based on your story.

I know someone with a similar story, so I have an idea of how it must feel...I hope you find a way to feel better about all this. I really do.

Redstone

[Not_Giving_Up]

7. You'd be suprised

I have found that the site not to be named has a wonderful time when I post about the troubles with my husband. So, when I asked for hugs the other night, I didn't say why. I just didn't want to read what they would say. (They take great personal pleasure in talking smack about personal problems of others!) Fuck em. If they talk about me now, I'm not going to go there to read it.

[Ladyhawk]

14. Yeah, stay away from there. :( :( :(

Anyone who would mock someone else's grief isn't worth the aggravation. I wish I could kick their asses for you. I have a special dislike for those who get off on others' pain. Sigh..

I've talked about my problems on DU before and people have lended a hug when needed. That's more important than assholes with such pitiful lives that they have to mock the cyber lives of others...just how pathetic is that? :) I mean, not only do they not have a life, they have to mock the virtual life of someone else. :) Hehe. It's almost funny if you think of it that way. They don't even have a virtual life of their own. :rofl:

For what it's worth, Not_Giving_Up, here is a cyberhug: :hug: I don't give a shit what those no-lifes say about you or me or anyone else. They're pathetic and I feel sorry for them.

[Not_Giving_Up]

15. Thanks for the hug

I won't go there...I just refuse. The only readon I went there anyway was that I googled my DU name, and found out that they found my personal life quite entertaining.

[Redstone]

24. Hey, why go there? Why should you care what those

pissants think?

I derive a small amount of pleasure from the fact that they know I NEVER visit that cesspool, so they can motherfuck me up and down to each other until their little faces turn blue, but it's never going to bother me...I won't see it.

I'd suggest you do the same. Those wankers are below contempt.

Redstone

[Not_Giving_Up]

25. I haven't been there in a great while

I don't give a shit what they say. They can sit on something and rotate.

[Redstone]

28. There's the spirit!

Redstone

[AtomicKitten]

8. I'm sorry for your pain.

Your mom probably instinctively knew it was best to keep you away, but it's a tough call. My ex and I split up when I was 4 months pregnant. I have raised my son by myself, my last name, no contact and thus no child support. My son is 19 now and I can honestly say I have never regretted my decision. And your story convinces me I'm right.

You can't go back. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. It doesn't sound like you will get back the love you deserve and clearly want so desperately. My advice? Get a therapist and work through this crushing disappointment and move on. There's something about beating one's head up against a wall; it can be a fate that's acceptable to some, but not very rewarding. They have cut you out and there is nothing for you there. I'm sorry, really sorry. But I really hope you move to preserve your self-worth by working through this and not looking to them for another cup of poison.

Sorry for my free advice, but I really do feel your pain. And I'm sorry life dealt you this hand.

[Not_Giving_Up]

9. Well, I wouldn't say it was my mother's instincts

I spent years getting the crap beat out of me on a regular basis by my stepdad while my mother watched.

I just wish someone would give me some answers. If he was a really bad guy, at least as an adult, someone could tell me. I'm nearly 33 years old, and the questions won't go away.

[AtomicKitten]

12. Wow.

Let me give you some advice, coming from an unpleasant childhood myself.
You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Your family sucks. Period. And it's not your fault. It was the luck of the draw, only you weren't very lucky.

DO NOT go back to ANY of these people. My therapist referred to it as going back for another cup of poison. There is nothing for you there. You must extricate yourself emotionally and physically and move on.

You can find love and support among friends. Build your family in the world community. There are plenty of people worthy of you in their lives and will be happy to return the love and respect you deserve.

Do a solid for yourself. Seek therapy immediately. I'm dead serious about this. You can find sliding scale therapists. Do this IMMEDIATELY for yourself. You deserve it.

Very best wishes.

[Not_Giving_Up]

13. My kids see a therapist...sometimes she sees me alone

I can't afford it any other way. I'm tracking down relatives so I can scream at them...so far, no luck though. They seem to have all just disappeared.

[RevolutionaryActs]

10. That's awful

I'm very sorry you have to deal with that, no one should. :(


:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

11. Thanks, Rev!

It does suck.

[BikeWriter]

16. Oh shit, ((((((Sweety)))))) I'm sorry about your Grandmother.

[Not_Giving_Up]

17. Thanks, BW

Now, I've just got to get up to East Texas.

[BikeWriter]

18. I hope you can reunite with some of your family.

[Not_Giving_Up]

19. I'm going up to visit the grave as soon as I can afford the gas

If I find the family members, I don't think I'll be so nice.

[BikeWriter]

22. I'm damned sorry they didn't notify you.

:(

[Not_Giving_Up]

23. Me too

It just makes no sense. :shrug:

[BikeWriter]

26. No, it doesn't at all.

[Tsiyu]

20. I'm so sorry

These people are pretty lame to treat you this way. You don't deserve it, but I'm glad you've found a way to pay your respects on your own.

:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

21. Thanks...I'm going to pay my respects in spite of the family

It's still pretty unreal to me right now.

[Tsiyu]

27. You are resourceful and a good person

Your feelings are understandable. I know I'd be wondering why myself, and feeling pretty hurt.

Some people are just so enmeshed in secrets and lies and shame. Be glad you have been spared their toxic attitudes, even though the avoidance has come at a great sacrifice.

You have so much on your plate, yet you seem to be keeping your wits about you and focusing on what you CAN do. That's awesome.

Those people do not deserve your wonderful self.

[Not_Giving_Up]

29. Thank you!

Wits? Now...where did I put those?