Someone please tell me a joke.

[RetroLounge]

See if you can make me laugh...

RL

[JimmyJazz]

1. A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it, and then, for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'

[RetroLounge]

13. Nyuk, Nyuk

Worth a small chortle, thanks...

RL

[KitchenWitch]

2. Two peanuts were walking in the woods

and one was a salted.

[RetroLounge]

14. LOL!

Love a good pun...

:rofl:

RL

[Tafiti]

3. So this horse walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says to him, "Why the long face?"

[RetroLounge]

15. Oldie but goodie...

:hi:

RL

[raptor_rider]

4. Ok

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

[raptor_rider]

5. How about

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".

The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[raptor_rider]

6. Or...

The Oil Shortage Explained

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer:

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical......

All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, etc.,

All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC!

[RetroLounge]

16. Nice one

:hi:

RL

[raptor_rider]

27. Hi!

:hi:

feeling better??

[RetroLounge]

30. Oh, I feel fine. Just needed a laugh...

:hi:

RL

[TOhioLiberal]

7. Okay...

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

:rofl:

[raptor_rider]

8. Let's see...

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt".

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.

He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".

She then tells the man she wants 'Beautiful butt tattooed', on her ass.

The man tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt.

She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs.

He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F#CK IS BOB?"!

[RetroLounge]

17. Variation on the WW tatoo

Which would spell WOW...

:hi:

RL

[raptor_rider]

28. Oh

:evilgrin:

Glad to see that you are talking!

[mainegreen]

9. There are two cats....

One is named one, two, three the other is named un, deux, trois. Which one drowned?

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Un, duex, trois, quatre, cinq

(sound it out folks)

[RetroLounge]

11. Okay, that one had me laughing, thanks!

:rofl:

RL

[AmyDeLune]

10. How about this one?

A woman goes over to her friend's house one Friday afternoon for coffee and a chat. While they are sitting in the front room gossiping and drinking, the woman's friend looks out the window and sees her husband coming up the front walk carrying a a large bouqet of flowers and wearing a big smile. The woman's friend sighs heavily and says, "Great, another weekend on my back with my legs in the air." To which the woman replies:
"Why? Don't you have a vase?"

[RetroLounge]

12. Nasty, I like it

RL

[JimmyJazz]

18. What did Tarzan say when the elephants came up over the hill?

[RetroLounge]

19. I don't know

What *did* Tarzan say when the elephants came up over the hill?

RL

[JimmyJazz]

21. "Here come the elephants over the hill"

What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill wearing sunglasses?

[RetroLounge]

22. Okay, I'll play. What?

RL

[JimmyJazz]

23. Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

I dunno why, but that stupid joke cracks me up! :D

[leftofthedial]

20. Newsflash from the Vatican!

So many priests are on the Atkins diet that they developed a new communion host with zero carbs. It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus."

[caty]

24. An old man

is sitting on his porch during a tremendous rain storm, when the sheriff pulls up in a jeep. The sheriff tells him to get in the jeep because a flood has been predicted and he will take the old man to safety. The old man refuses to leave and says, "God will protect me. Just go on your way and save some one else". A few hours later a boat comes up to the house because the flood waters have risen. The old man is sitting by a window on the top floor of his house. "Get in the boat and I will take you to safety" the man in the boat says. The old man says, "God will protect me. Just go on your way and save someone else". A few hours later the old man is sitting on his roof when a helicopter comes along with a ladder hanging down. "Get on the ladder. We'll pull you up and take you to safety" the man in the helicopter says. "God will protect me. Just go on your way and save someone else".

The old man drowns and is now walking around in heaven when he sees God chatting with a group people. The old man walks up to God and says, "what happened? Why didn't you save me? I put all my trust in you!" God looked at him, shook his head and said, "Look---I sent you a jeep---I sent you a boat---I sent you a helicopter. What more could I do?"

[Merrick]

25. How about this one

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[deadparrot]

26. "Monica had more president in her than G. W. Bush ever will..."

Okay, not a joke, but a phrase I heard today that cracked me up. :)

[suzbaby]

29. Two muffins are sitting in the oven....

One muffin turns to the other and says, "Whew, it's getting hot in here!"

Do you know what the other muffin said to that?
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"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! A Talking Muffin!"

[dr.zoidberg]

31. What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk. Thank you, I'll be here all night:rofl: :hide: .

[TK421]

32. How do you circumcise a whale?

send down four skin divers....foreskin divers! get it?

[Ron Mexico]

33. Five Democrats and a Republican are discussing Katrina relief.

While the Democrats are debating which supplies would be of the most use along with the cash they were going to send, the Republican stands up and says "I don't know why you bother. Fuck these losers if they didn't buy insurance."

Suddenly, a live cable snaps through the ceiling, smacks the Republican in the head and sends enough electricity through him to make his eyeballs boil and explode. The Republican falls to the floor, dead.

There really isn't a punchline here, but you did ask me to make you laugh.

:)