DENVER, CO (
TBR News) – In an effort to halt rumors about his recurring drinking habit and plummeting poll numbers, the White House issued a press release this morning revealing the President’s upcoming winter agenda. His top priority will be to move his family to Colorado for several months to become caretaker of the Overlook Hotel while the facility is shut down for the winter months.
Heeeeere’s Georgie!!!White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan assured the press corps that the move had nothing to do with recent reports that the president had started drinking again.
“There is no validity to the rumors of the President’s drinking,” said a visibly irritated McLellan when asked if the facility was chosen because there would be no alcohol on the premesis. “This responsibility being undertaken by the president is in the best interest of the nation. Preservation of the Overlook is one of our top priorities.”
McLellan also stated that a primary reason Mr. Bush was going to Colorado was because weather reports indicate a potentially disastrous blizzard will likely hit the area sometime in February, and that the president wants to be there months in advance to assess the damage – perhaps offsetting some of the criticism he received for being so late to acknowledge the severity of the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.
"The president cares so much about disaster relief that from now on, he's planning on inspecting damage before disasters even begin", said McLellan.
Stop It George!!!When asked if the president will be doing any skiing or other recreational activities during his tenure in Colorado, McLellan indicated that the trip will be all business. Outside of spearheading the blizzard relief effort, Bush will also be maintaining the Overlook by: running the boiler; heating different parts of the hotel on a daily rotating basis; repairing damage as it occurs and doing repairs - so that the elements can't get a foothold. Additionally, Bush will begin work on writing his memoirs using a manual typewriter.
Because the First Family will be isolated indoors for several months during the winter, the president will have to forego his favorite form of recreation – bicycling – during their stay. However, Mr. Bush has been assured that he will be able to replicate the cycling experience by riding a specially outfitted Big Wheel down the hotel’s long, narrow corridors.
“Really it’s the best move for the country at this point,” stated an administration insider. “It’s one thing that every citizen can rally around, regardless of ideology. Whether you like the president or not, we can all agree that the country runs much more effectively when he’s off doing something else."
Another added benefit will be that the president will likely be immune from the presence of protesters during his winter retreat. “Let’s see Cindy Sheehan and her followers try to sit outside for 26 days in below zero weather”, quipped Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman. “Sure, there’s gonna be over 400 empty rooms in the hotel, but they’re not welcome inside. However, they're free to play in the labyrinth outside all they want until they freeze to death.”
We Want to Play Here
Forever and Ever and Ever . . . Accompanying the president and Mrs. Bush will be the couple’s twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. While the logic behind the reasoning used to include the girls in the Overlook operation remains unclear, the move can only help the president in his quest to stabilize his popularity.
“It’s not like either of them were doing anything constructive anyway,” said a Secret Service member assigned to the twins. “This will keep them both out of the tabloids for a few months. It never looks good for the president when other people’s children are dying as a result of his policies while his girls are on the verge of showing up in a
Girls Gone Wild video. Trust me – I know first-hand”.
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