Cthulhu's 2004 policy statement

[Frangible]

Where does The Great Old One stand on the War in Iraq?

Unlike the other candidates who have complex, unrealistic 12 step plans or aren't certain what to do in Iraq, Cthulhu has a simple 1 step plan that will solve the crisis in Iraq: drive every human to madness, and kill and or eat them. If there are no Iraqis are Americans alive, there can be no war in Iraq. Cearly, Cthulhu is the only candidate with a "common sense" 1 step solution to the war in Iraq.

How does Cthulhu plan to protect and preserve our environment?

Cthulhu's home city of R'lyeh is an example of Cthulhu's effective environmental policies. It's long been Cthulhu's position that humans will always pollute and consume resources. After Cthulhu drives them to madness and eats them all, you will note there will be no humans to pollute the environment.

The other candidates only have partial solutions to this problem. They try to balance environmental protection with human need for jobs and resources. The Great Cthulhu has no such illusions.

What is Cthulhu's position on campaign finance reform?

Cthulhu again is the only candidate with a simple, direct, and feasible plan for campaign finance reform: The Great Cthulhu will drive every human being on Earth to madness, then kill and eat them as a tasty snack.

Naturally, once all the politicians have been eaten, there will be no one to give finances to. There won't be anyone to give finances out, for that matter.

Does The Great Cthulhu support health care reform?

Absolutely. Cthulhu prefers to eat healthy, non-diseased snacks.

What is Cthulhu's position on affirmative action and equal opportunity?

The Great Cthulhu has long supported equal opportunity for all humans. Two words: indiscriminate slaughter. Everyone will be given the same opportunity to be a great tasting, less filling, meat popsicle.

How does the Great Old One plan to deal with recreational marijuana use?

Cthulhu believes that marijuana should be legalized. After all, it is such a delicious spice, and makes you human meatbags that much more appealing.

Why should people vote for Cthulhu?

Cthulhu is the only candidate that refuses to lower themselves to be the "lesser evil". Cthulhu will work hard and tirelessly and ensure that voters who chose The Great Cthulhu are eaten last.

In 2004, don't settle for voting for "the lesser evil". Go all the way! Cthulhu for president!

Paid for by R'lyehians for Cthulhu

[xchrom]

1. i knew ''eat them''

was right up there.
first i've heard of ''drive them to madnes''.
well -- it's certainly an easy program.

[Best_man23]

2. Vote Cthulhu in 2004

Why vote for the lesser evil.

[neuvocat]

3. I dunno...

I'm always suspiscious of candidates who always take the one-solution-for-all-problems approach. There's always some sort of catch.

[KamaAina]

4. Solution to our Repuke problem?

May storms and rains and typhoons beat them
May great Cthulhu rise and eat them

originally uttered by a dolphin (or dolphins) in Illuminatus!

[Ellen Forradalom]

5. The latest Miskatonic University poll

If the primaries were held today, Cthulhu would eat the entire Democratic field.