Need Dubya/GOP jokes, please help!

[davsand]

I'm doing the Chili cook off this weekend for the local Dems, and I need a list of Dubya/GOP jokes for the counter. Last year DU made up the list of Republican Chili Ideas (funny as hell, I might add) and I had people ASKING for copies of it all day long.

This year, I'm thinking Dubya and the GOP are fair game. The most recent one about "How many is a Brazilian?" will be on the list along with whatever I can get from you guys...

I do ask that you keep them at least PG rated because there are a few kids that wander thru...

Help me out, DU! PLEASE!!!!



Laura

[Lady Freedom]

1. How many GOP members does it take to change a bulb?

We may never know. They keep spending all the money so we can't buy one(bulb) to find out!

[UrbScotty]

21. My punchline:

Light? Who says they use light?

[underpants]

2. What is Bush's favorite candy?

W&W's

[underpants]

3. How can you tell the Bush family's chili cookoff entry?

It's the one with Maine lobster in it

-thanks to Molly Ivins for this one.

[underpants]

4. W is told that 3 Brazillian soldiers died in Iraq

he turns to Rummy and says "How many is in a brazillion?"

[imperialismispasse]

5. I like the one about Bush drowning.

Its been posted here before. Here it is to the best of my memory:

An Ethical Dilemma

You are an award-winning photojournalist. You're in New Orleans shooting pictures of the devestation there. You are in a deserted area of the city.

Suddenly you go around a corner and are in an area that is still flooded. You spot a man floundering in the deep water. You come closer and see that its George W Bush! He is drowning.

You are torn in an ethical dilemma. You can either save him or capture a photograph of the moment of death of the most powerful man in the world.

So heres the question and answer honestly:

Do you go with color film, or the classic simplicity of black and white?

[davsand]

6. Lord, yes. THAT one made me LMAO when I saw it.

Keep going guys! The chili will be good stuff (we have NEVER finished outside of second place since I started doing this. We have taken first place the last two years!) and all I need are the jokes to make our booth a little more fun to visit.

We started doing this every year as a way to take the Dem party out to the community in a way that was fun and not just us out asking for votes. I keep voter registration forms in the booth and we even cook hot dogs and brats for anybody that wants to stop in for a freebie before the chili is ready. In the past it has been a super fun outing that offers a way to meet the community for both our elected Dems and candidates. This year will be no different.

Thanks!



Laura

[JPZenger]

7. Bush Joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[HuskerDU]

8. What do you call a Neo-con with a piano hanging by a

thread above his head?

Endangered Feces.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

9. Pickles is out for a jog...

(Warning: This used to be a Clinton joke. Old freepers will probably recognize it as such.)

and she encounters a local boy towing a litter of newborn puppies in a wagon. Thinking this would make a great photo op, she stops to talk to the kid, and comments on how cute the puppies are. "Yes ma'am," says the kid, "they're little Republicans!"

That evening, Pickles tells George the story, and he decides to try the same thing. So when he's jogging the next week, he sees the same boy with the puppies, and goes over to talk to him. As George comments on how precious the dogs are, the boy says "Yes sir, they're little Democrats."

"But, weren't they Republicans just last week?"

"Yes sir, but now their eyes are open!"

[davsand]

11. Yes!! I do remember that one. It is funnier now, somehow...

:)

Laura

[NewJeffCT]

10. Hu's On First

George Bush goes in to meet with Condi Rice...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[davsand]

12. Kicking this up--begging for help!

:kick:

Thank you for the assist!



Laura

[NewJeffCT]

13. ok, another one

Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, & George W. Bush are in a boat in the middle of the ocean. The boat is sinking. Who gets saved?

The American People!

[NewJeffCT]

14. another one

some good ones at this link: http://www.gwjokes.com/jokes/puzzled.php
including the one below:

Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[Wapsie B]

15. Well that leaves mine out I guess.

;-)

[Lisa]

16. "The Brass Rat"

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very life-like, life-sized brass statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He asks the owner: "How much for the brass rat?"
"Twelve dollars," said the owner.

The tourist is amazed, because he figures the statue is worth a lot more than that. "I'll take it!"

"Okay," the owner agreed. "But I have to warn you -- there's a curse on the statue. Let me tell you this interesting story ...."

The tourist, figuring that the owner is going to spin him a yarn in the hopes of selling him some more stuff, quickly mutters an excuse, hands him twelve dollars, and hurries out of the store. As he walked down the street carrying his brass rat, out of the corner of his eye he sees a real rat scramble out of a dumpster and begin pattering along behind him. Pretty soon, another one joins it -- and another.

Disconcerted, he began walking faster, as more and more rats came out of the sewers and alleyways. Pretty soon the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the street was carpeted with what looked like millions of rats, and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Frightened, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the brass rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a brass Republican."

[davsand]

19. I want a brass Republican!!!!!!!

I LMAO over this one. All I could think of was Will Smith in Indpendence Day saying, "I gotta get ME one of those!"

Thanks for sharing that one.


Laura

[Lisa]

24. here you go!

Not a joke -- this is actually for sale on eBay.



http://cgi.ebay.com/BUST-President-GEORGE-W-BUSH-2001-NOW_W0QQitemZ3904885857QQcategoryZ33783QQssPageNameZWD1VQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

[davsand]

25. If I buy it will it make the GOP all jump in the bay?

I'll bid that sucker up if it will!


Laura

[Lisa]

Dubya and the jigsaw puzzle

Did you know that George W. Bush actually has interests besides cutting brush, fishing, and playing video games?

He also likes doing jigsaw puzzles.

One day, Laura came home to find him bouncing up and down with excitement.
"Look at this, honey," he crowed, pointing to a completed puzzle. "This one only took me a month and a half! I'm calling the press over to view it ... that'll settle all those folks who misunderestimate me! The company that made the puzzle said it would take a heck of a lot longer than that to complete!"

Laura's kind of surprised, because the puzzle only has about 50 pieces. Her husband triumphantly shows her the box -- "See this? It says, '3 to 5 YEARS'."


Buoyed by his success, Mr. Bush promptly went on to open another box. But this one caused him a lot more trouble. Reluctantly, he had to phone his trusted advisor Karl Rove for help. He said, "It's supposed to be a great big rooster, but it doesn't look anything like in the picture."

Karl arrived, looked at his boss's desk, and sighed.
"Put the cornflakes back in the box, George."

[Eureka]

17. Another 'generic oldy'

that you can use by substituting the appropriate names.....

A guy goes into a bar, orders a beer and notices Fox on the TV with GWB*. The guys says "That Bush, what a horses arse". A big guy at the end of the bar gets up, walks over, and knocks him to the floor.

Picking himself up from the floor, the guy sits back at the bar, notices the image is now Barbara Bush. He says "His mother is a horses arse too" And the big guy comes back and knocks him to the floor again.

Picking himself up from the floor again the guy says to the bartender "Gee, this must be Bush country" to which the bartender replies "No, horse country"

(* Oh, forgot the PC bit, feel free to use the PC term for arse that is appropriate in your area, oh, and I'm an Aussie, we spell it arse :-) )

[Lisa]

18. Dubya and the twins

Not too long after George W. Bush had decided to run for President, he cajoled his two teenaged daughters into coming with him on a campaign trip. His good friend Kenneth Lay loaned him a private Enron jet for the occasion.

As they were flying along, looking down at the beautiful countryside, Jenna said, "It's too bad these windows don't open, or I could throw out a dollar bill and make some American happy."

Her sister Barbara thought that was a great idea. "That's neat! We could throw out TWO dollars, and make TWO Americans happy!"

The pilot said, "If we threw out your father, we could make the whole WORLD happy!"

[jmowreader]

20. The traffic jam

A guy's driving to work in downtown DC when he comes upon a huge traffic jam. He calls over a cop.

"Oh, it's just President Bush. He can't get the Democrats to work with him, his war is going terrible, the economy sucks, his approval rating is in the thirties, FEMA screwed him over New Orleans and people are starting to look really close at 9/11. He just can't take it anymore, so now he's standing in the middle of the street threatening to set himself on fire. So we're taking up a collection for him."

'How much ya got?'

"Thirty gallons so far, but people are still siphoning."

[mac56]

22. Bush calls Rove to the Oval Office.

"Ya gotta help me, Turd Blossom," he says. "I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle. I got the pieces spread all over the floor, puttin' it together, but it don't look like the picture on the box."

"What's the picture on the box, Mr. President?" Rove asks.

"It's a rooster," Bush replies.

"I'm on my way, sir," Rove says, and heads out down the hall.

When he gets to the Oval Office, Bush is sitting at his desk with a befuddled look on his face. Rove walks in, surveys the mess, and says:

"Mr. President - this is a box of corn flakes."

[Lisa]

23. from the mouth of Dubya himself! Hours of fun here ...

www.dubyaspeak.com

[koneko]

26. Here's one of my faves

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

[bearfan454]

27. Did you hear what bush said about Roe vs Wade ?

He said he doesn't care how the people of New Orleans escape the flooding.