How do you get over hating your parents?

[hatredisnotavalue]

Did you go into therapy? Did you just move on? Did you just "grow up"?

I can't stand my parents. One is alive, one dead. I am now 47 and still can't stand them. Do you think I will "grow up" at this point or is it time for therapy or to move on?

[miss_kitty]

1. Damn

that's an ironic user name ya got there.

[Mutley]

2. You beat me to it!

x(

:D

[redsoxliberal]

8. My first reaction as well.

[merh]

3. Recognize that they are just people.

Human beings with human emotions and failings.

Also, hating them harms you and gives them continued control over you. If I were you< I would just hate that.

[hippywife]

24. Excellent response, merh!

Hate doesn't change its target only the one who nurtures it. :hi:

Buddhist concept, I believe.

[AirmensMom]

4. If you haven't worked it out by 47, it's time for therapy.

Maybe you'll find out that you can't have a relationship, but at least you won't feel so bad about it.

[RandomKoolzip]

5. I never hated my parents, but I am in therapy because

they didn't provide enough structure and discipline in my life as a child.

[djeseru]

6. After much medication, a little therapy...

...and realizing what a weak human being she was, I got over my mom a few years ago. Now she's just an occasional inconvience.

Oh, and the medication and therapy did nothing for me. I had to still figure it out on my own...

[Midlodemocrat]

7. My husband was truly shat upon by his mom.

She floated all this shit to him about 'leaving him a little something', and 'everthing is equal'. And, lo and behold, she had already given the house, worth $600,000, to her worthless, useless, never married, no friends, stay in the house in the dark with her cat, daughter.

Part of the deal was that said daughter was supposed to care for his dad. She started to physically abuse him, so guess where he ended up? Yep. Here with us, and no money. His wife saw to it that the only thing of value the family had, the house, went to Ms. Useless. He doesn't even have enough to get an apartment for himself.

It disgusts me that she would do this to the man she purported to 'love'.

But, in answer to your question. You forgive. You move on. Because if you don't, you go crazy.

[bliss_eternal]

21. Gosh--that sounds terrible...

I'm so sorry this happened to your husband and father in law. She sounds incredibly thoughtless. :hug:

If it helps you to know, it isn't just your mil.. my husband's mother challenged her husband's estate on his death. She made waaaay more money than he did(he was a teacher), but she felt he didn't leave her enough(she got the house). She was pissy because he left a lot of money to their grandchild. Finding all this out, I lost every shred of respect I ever had for her...

Dh stopped having a relationship with her a few years later.

[LisaL]

27. Since your husband's mother and father were married,

how could she leave the house to her daughter while the father is still alive?
Shouldn't the property be divided equally between the husband and wife?

[Midlodemocrat]

33. He was considerted to be a life tenant, but didn't realize that it

meant that he didn't actually 'own' anything. Everything he worked his entire life for, the furniture, the appliances, et al, were hers.

It sucks beyond measure.

[pdx_prog]

9. The only way to be happy is to forgive

a lot of times it takes having kids of your own to be able to put yourself in their place, but it's healthier to just go ahead and forgive.

[thinkingwoman]

10. Living well is the best revenge

If you have just cause that fuels your hate (abuse of any kind, emotional neglect, even just persistent meaness) cut them out of your life and move on.

I speak from experience. I am 40. My parents (all 4 of them--2 biological and 2 step) are toxic. They psychologically abused me my entire life. I have been back and forth with my feelings for them for years. I forgave. I even went back to my hometown and tried to help save a family business.

I got shat on royally for that.

Forgiveness is up to you. It tends to free you a bit. But don't make the mistake I did and believe that forgiveness means you give them yet another chance.

No more chances for me. I'm an orphan with living parents and I'm quite happy with that. I have my own family to love and care for and that's what I focus on.

Good luck.

[SOteric]

11. I'm starting to realise just how often I type the phrase 'it depends'

but truly it does depend.

Most importantly it depends on why you feel so negatively about your parents and how that negativity manifests in your life.

I have learnt over time that this is not a popular viewpoint, but I sincerely feel that in some small number of circumstance, it's okay to not like your parents. My oldest and dearest friend was so badly treated by her mother that she'd have to be a lunatic to find any joy in that relationship.

In general however, I do feel it's a sign of developing maturity to resolve the old hurts and grievances one might have with one's parents.

Even if you find you don't want a relationship with them, let go of the hatred. Forgive them, if not for them then for yourself. Hate weakens one both mentally and physically.

I love my folks and have always had a good relationship with them. But I do have a long standing animosity toward my oldest brother. A practical tip shared with me by a friend has been just to 'fake it.'

That's not as absurd as it sounds. Often our feelings can be steered by habit. If you put on a habit of forgiveness and warmth, it can grow into sincerity.

[Kenneth ken]

26. it depends

you use that a lot because you're very wise, and know that situations are unique, and so good answers to questions are almost always dependent on a broad awareness of the myriad factors pertinent to the individual situation.

:hi:

[skygazer]

12. It depends on why you hate them

I carried a ton of resentment for my father for many years. He deserved it - he was largely an absent father at a time when I needed him most (after the death of my mother - I was 14). He spent that time out carousing with women and left me to my own devices. That was painful and felt like he didn't care.

Years of reflection have made me realize that though he acted irresponsibly and his actions caused a lot of problems for me, it was not done out of intentional malice but because he had no idea how to be a father. That doesn't excuse him but it helps put it in perspective.

I have a pretty good relationship with my father now. I've chosen to leave the past in the past and go with what is there now. It's not a perfect solution - there rarely is such a thing in an imperfect world. However, I also don't want to be in the position of my best friend whose father died while they still had many simmering issues between them. He suffers with a lot of anger and guilt mixed with sorrow and confusion. Tough emotions to deal with. When my father dies, I will know that my slate (at least as it stands with him) is clear.

However, had he been abusive or deliberately cruel, I'm sure it would be a different and more complicated thing. Which is why it depends. There's nothing that says you have to love or even like your parents.

[nini]

13. Accept them as humans with faults

if they're so vile you can't be around them - then don't, just like you would not have other people in your life that have a negative influence.

Just let go of the anger part of it and put the blame on them and their human weaknesses.

I had to do this with my dad. When I realized he was weak with some aspects of his life I was able to have a good relationship with him before he died. When I decided he didn't have to be the perfect person we sometimes think our parents are it was easy.

good luck

[BlueIris]

14. All I can post is: I'm shooting for acceptance, not forgiveness.

Because I'm one of those people who believes forgiveness must be earned. And there's nothing they can do to earn my forgiveness for what they did to me--penance they're not interested in pursuing anyway. Then, I avoid them like the plague. That approach is really helping me cut down on the hate.

[graywarrior]

15. Grow up.

If you haven't come to terms with whatever they did to you, you are still a child. Letting go is an action. Quit making excuses.

[pitohui]

16. just move on

why waste money on therapy, you feel what you feel, if you hate someone at age 47, the adult thing to do is to quietly drop them from your life and go your own way

i don't think paying ppl money to brainwash you into feeling what you don't feel is a wise or valid use of own's limited financial resources

of course yr mileage may vary

[HEyHEY]

17. I think the Menendez brothers wrote a book on the subject

[smirkymonkey]

18. Jenna? Is that you?

I can't say I blame you.

[sendero]

19. You really....

.... should try to let go of it. It's only hurting you, not them.

I stopped hating my parents when I realized they were simply flawed people doing the best they could with what they were born with.

I hope my kids can do the same for me.

And, I don't spend much time with them, nor do I hate them.

[AlCzervik]

20. you cant change the living one so you need to get passed it

i had a similar problem with my one living parent and living 3000 miles away from him has given me the space to understand he is who he is. We aren't best buds or anything even close to that but i can talk to him on the phone without being a bitch to him.

[bliss_eternal]

22. All I can offer you

is this :hug:.

Also to let you know that you CAN get past it. Your heart must be willing. Which isn't to say that it can all happen overnight. It does take time.

Therapy can be helpful, if you go in with a goal in mind. There are also some good books out there on the subject that can be helpful as well.

If you're interested, let me know, I can share a book title you may want to check out.

Oh and here's another :hug:
Admitting you no longer want to live with the anger is half the battle.

[jpgray]

23. My maximum time for maintaining a noble angry front is about an hour

Then I usually stop feeling angry or begin to doubt my premises for being angry. There were times when I really disliked my parents, but it was always temporary.

[Sanity Claws]

25. For your own sake, you have to find a way to move past

hating them.
Hating is a waste of your life force and energy.
If you find you can't let go of the hatred on your own, use whatever avenue you can find, therapy, a good cry, writing exercises.
Letting go of the hate is a way to give love and caring to yourself.

[BensMom]

28. It definitely lets you know

how you never ever want to be.

[Floogeldy]

29. Learn love, know love, show love . . .

. . . Be love.

:)

[greblc]

30. Have Children.

It's made me understand that parents are fallible. Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have. Some days I'm a bad father. Most days I'm not. I just hope my sons understand life's difficulties and the weight of caring for them. I hope they'll forgive me for the times I fail and know that I love them.

[ashling]

31. Everybody does it in his (or her) own way

I don't know if this will help, but I was cleaning out my desk today and found something that I wrote in 1999 (yes, I am THAT messy) after my dad died. He died Thanksgiving weekend 1998, but I didn't get around to this till the next summer. My brother and I were preparing to scatter our parents ashes. I read these, and other, words at that time.

I had a love/hate relationship with my father. He was a large personality and at times so large that I had to shut him out of my life altogether just to exist . . . or so it seemed then.

Again, I hope this helps. And I apologize for usurping your thread, as it were, I will try and not type the whole thing here, but I am e - hoping that it will help me too ... in a way you never get over it:



I've been thinking about writing this for weeks now, but keep putting it off, I guess I've been avoiding it for a variety of reasons ... mainly, though, I don't know what to say here.

It was pretty easy for me to write that personal essay for Glenn. This is not that easy. My relationship with Daddy was very complex ... he was very complex.

Thus far in my life I have been fortunate to know more than a few friends and loved ones ... both close and casual. I have had teachers ... some good, some bad ... mentors and helpers. I have also known enemies and detractors both petty and malicious.

Daddy was the biggest of them all in a way. He was certainly the largest personality I will likely ever know. I have loved him and hated him, learned from him by his word and example, both good and bad.

Even when I hated him I loved him ... wanted to please him, impress him, win his approval and respect. For a long time I was unable to come to terms with all of this. I probably never will ... completely.

But I think that all of us are, somewhere deep down, made up of the same stuff. That stuff gets acted upon by outside forces both before and after we are born. We are pushed and pulled, prodded, kicked around, and beat up on in a thousand different ways by others, by ourselves, by life. The way we respond to each one of those pushes and kicks is determined by something we call personality or character which is itself in large part determined by things outside ourselves. If all of this sounds confusing or even incoherent, that is only because it is.

In the final analysis, all any of us can do is the best we can with what we have, things both physical and metaphysical. And because of all of that stuff above, no two of us will ever have the exact same combination of things to work with. So there is really no point in judging how another of us handles his lot in life. After all, we are all accidental tourists.

Shakespeare said that the evil men do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones. However, I prefer to remember the good man. And in remembering that person I am persuaded beyond a shadow of a doubt that that good was, and is, the balance of the man.

[spacelady]

32. Good insights here, but a common theme--it is always the parents' fault.

Realationships work both ways. Not that parental units are infallible, but that when we don't get both sides of a story, we cannot assume. I recommend professional counseling.

[prolesunited]

34. You allow yourself to see their humanity

I'm not going to relive my childhood here, but suffice to say that it contained plenty of drama, capped by being disowned and cast aside when I needed them most.

But, then my mom got really sick and I spent a lot of time with her in the hospital. She twisted the events into a less-ugly version of reality and I could see that she needed me to forgive her. I guess I needed it, too. We didn't resolve it all, though, and then she died. You can't undo the past, but you can make amends.

Tonight, I visited my dad in the hospital. He's old and frail, says he's tired and ready to die. No matter what has happened, I can only see him with love and compassion.

No one should die without be forgiven -- I would want to be for all the transgressions I've committed against others -- and you should not go on living with this hate in your heart.

I hope you can find peace.

[DanCa]

35. My old man was a marine he could have beat the crap outta me.

That was pretty much what kept me in line he even spanked me with a bristley end of a horse brush . Our biggest falling out was when I didn't join the military am sorry i have no problem with someone owning a gun I just can't fire one. Were finally on taling terms because he let me back into the house because of my parkinsons and thats how i forgive him. Remember parents pay the bills and let you live there hopefully if nothing else.

[GrpCaptMandrake]

36. As absolute a statement as that

rather does cry out for trying to sort things out. With yourself. One would assume you are a decent human being, otherwise you'd be a freeper and not at DU. That tends to indicate that your parents must've (a) passed along some decent genes and (b) had some redeeming qualities.

Waiting till you're an orphan (both parents dead) will make things that much harder.

Regards.

Dr. Phil

[blue neen]

37. Therapy. Trust me.

It's difficult to just "grow up" or "move on" without professional help.
With guidance you'll be able to work through the issues that brought you to the place of hatred.

You may forgive them, or you may not. Either way though, you'll be better able to accept the outcome if you tackle this head-on.

It's not an easy process, and it's not quick...but it is so worth it.
You deserve it.

Good luck.