Tee hee hee (probably very old e-mail) but I'd never seen it

[BigMcLargehuge]

Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed! by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expe ct to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."



6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken ! Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
! The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[underpants]

1. 6A-A woman tells her husband she wants a boob job

He quickly figures how much it will cost and says,"Why don't you just take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts a couple of times a day"

She says,"Do you think that will work?"

He says, "Look what it did to your ass"

BTW I love #11 too.

[JimmyJazz]

2. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Kids! I watch very carefully what I say around my kids, but I know I'm going to get burned one day anyway :)

[BigMcLargehuge]

3. my son already asked my mother in law for

"More goddamn pancakes" and once refered to some home made chocolate chip cookies as "great fucking cookies Mom!"


:yoiks:

[JimmyJazz]

5. When my oldest was little, she couldn't pronouce the letter "s"

So, I heard her say "hit" a lot. My mom said, "I think she's saying 'shit'." I said, "Ya think?" :silly:

[Heidi]

6. I had a horrible potty mouth

when I was adopted at 6 years old. Public schools and the Baptist church put a quick end to that, and I've spent the balance of my life "undoing" the PC-ness of both.

Protect your little one from the evil PC police, my friend.

[eyesroll]

10. J's three-year-old ran into the kitchen and excitedly reported:

"Oh, shit! The cat barfed on the rug!"

J's save was, "Oh, SHOOT. Yeah, that's not good. SHOOT."

[redqueen]

4. Nice... woulda been better if they stopped with #8

:D

[Midlodemocrat]

7. When my son was in first grade, the teacher, who is a friend,

came up to me after school and said "Michael has been saying bad words".

Of course, I was mortified, so I said "What is he saying?"

Teacher: "He was yelling 'Dick' every time he went down the slide".

Me: "Okay, I'll talk to him."

Later that night at dinner: Me: "Mike, did you say 'Dick' today on the playground when you were going down the slide?"

Michael: "Yes, Benjamin and Evan said I had to or else I would be a wimpy warrior."

Me: "Okay, just don't say it anymore".

Over dessert:

Michael: "I don't know why they wanted me to yell 'Dick', there is no one in my class named 'Dick'".


Ahh, the innocence of children.

[miss_kitty]

8. My friends had a baby a few years back

I immediately quit swearing in his presence. I excused myself because I said 'fuck' in front of him when he was about 3 months old. His mom said "Oh that's ok. He doesn't understand it yet." And I asked "Which day is the day you think he will? I'll stop then." His parents also stopped swearing around the baby, that day.

[China_cat]

9. A Sunday school teacher

was telling the story of Noah to the 5 and 6 year old class. After going through the story of the gathering of the animals, the rain and it eventually stopping, the teacher asked what the class thought Noah might have done for relaxation while waiting for the water to go down.

Answers ranged from 'sleeping a lot' to 'playing with the animals'. When the answers stopped coming, the teacher asked "don't you think he might have done some fishing?"

A little girl in the class piped up with "not with only 2 worms".