Ladies, if you break off the engagement, do you keep the ring?

[redqueen]

I didn't. Even though I helped pay for the damn thing. Maybe I should have.

What say you?


(I ask because I got an e-mail in which it said women shouldn't return them... I don't necessarily agree)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

1. you should have cos you helped pay for it

but otherwise i think it should be returned

[redqueen]

3. Yeah

I guess I felt guilty for breaking it off.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

5. well did he return your money?

[redqueen]

6. Nah

In fact, he started acting like an asshole. x(

[Divameow77]

2. If the woman breaks it off

then technically she should return it, but I say if she breaks it off because he was cheating or doing some other type of asshole thing, then I would keep it.

If he breaks it off then she keeps it.

[redqueen]

4. Makes sense! n/t

[gollygee]

8. That sounds fair to me

I agree!

[Larissa238]

21. Slightly different suiatation...

She cheated on me, I kept my ring and she kept hers (we had a whole fight... I didnt even want a ring in the first place *deep breath* okay, no more of that drama). then again, its a bit different with lesbians... but we both kept our own.

And I agree- if the woman breaks it off, then she gives it back.

[Parche]

7. lord of the rings

I wouldnt give one in the first place!!! so there!!! hahah

[redqueen]

9. Okay

:shrug:

[LaurenG]

10. I was taught that the ring goes back

Of course the person who gave the ring should then say "no you keep it". Yeah I know in my dreams but that's the way I'd like to see it go. :evilgrin:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

15. You... want to see your engagement broken off?

:shrug:

[AlCzervik]

11. i think maybe i'd want my money back but if thats not possible i think

i would give it back or sell it.

[JVS]

12. The one who breaks it off loses the ring

[China_cat]

13. Legally, the woman shouldn't keep it.

(Of course, I'm sure it would be different when you paid for part of it yourself)

An engagement ring is a gift in anticipation of a marriage. If the marriage does not happen, the 'gift' is no longer applicable.

From Findlaw; The majority of courts find that the gift of an engagement ring contains an implied condition of marriage; acceptance of the proposal is not the underlying "deal." Absent some other understanding -- say, that the ring is merely a memento of a great trip to Hawaii -- most courts look at engagement rings as conditional gifts given in contemplation of marriage: "Once it is established the ring is an engagement ring, it is a conditional gift." Heiman v. Parrish, 942 P.2d 631, 633 (Kan. 1997).

[LostinVA]

14. Nope -- and Judge Judy agrees

[AllegroRondo]

16. Miss Manners says NO

[El Fuego]

17. It depends

If the woman is breaking the guy's heart, she should give him the ring back as a nice gesture.

BUT, if he is a lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, and you just found a strange pair of thong underwear in his car, by all means KEEP THE RING!!!

[geomon666]

20. I think if she's breaking his heart, she's not that into nice gestures.

And if he's cheating, the ring is probably made out of tin foil anyway. Pawn it for a Snickers or something.

[eyesroll]

18. I gave the ring back when we got divorced.

It was an heirloom. We didn't have any kids to pass it on to, so this ensures it's stays in his family.

[redqueen]

19. Oh yeah... with an heirloom, no question it goes back. n/t

[tjdee]

22. IMO, you never keep the ring if the relationship ends.

Unless you help pay for it, or obviously if you bought it yourself. Why would you keep it?

Even if he cheated on you or whatever, why would you want to keep it anyway? Out of spite? In that case I'd much rather throw it in the river rather than keep evidence of a dead relationship--but I probably wouldn't do that either. I'd just give it back.

[SarahB]

23. I think you can keep it, but I'd feel weird about it.

I still have my old engagement ring from when I was married, but I plan to one day take the diamond and have something made for my daughter. I hope the next time I wear something like that on my finger, I'll never want to take it off.

[KitchenWitch]

24. A man I was engaged to broke it off and did not want the ring back

I think if you paid for part of it, you should get some of the proceeds.

I think if he paid for the whole thing, he gets it back, unless he decides he does not want it back.

I still have the ring, and I wish I could sell it for a decent price. It retailed for over $3000 when he bought it and the pawn shops will only give me $300 for it.

[Divameow77]

39. Take the diamonds

and make something else out of them.

[caty]

25. I thought it was

tradition that whoever breaks off the relationship, does not get to keep the ring.

[Left Is Write]

26. If he gave her the ring and she broke it off, no, she should not keep it.

If HE breaks it off, then I think it's her choice whether to keep or return the ring.

In your case, your financial contribution to the purchase of the ring makes it less clear cut. I'm not sure what the right answer is there.

[philosophie_en_rose]

27. Absolutely. No questions.

A gift is property given with donative intent and that's delivered and accepted by the recipient.

A person can always give the ring back, but - like any gift - the gift is yours.

[miss_kitty]

28. Judge Judy made her return it

called it a conditional gift, and if she didn't pay for any of it, it was his, regardless of who breaks off the engagement.

i don't really watch that show-I accidentally flipped to it and got sucked in....

[skygazer]

29. No

An engagement ring is conditional to marriage - if a marriage doesn't happen, it's not your ring to keep. Unless you paid for it.

I don't know why anyone would want it anyway - a reminder of a failed relationship? And it's next to impossible to get full or even close retail on jewellry, besides being rather tacky to make a profit off said failed relationship.

Maybe I'm old fashioned.

[just a girl]

30. A woman deserves some sort of compensation

Any woman that puts up with a man's **** long enough to get a ring out of the deal deserves some sort of compensation for their hard work.

[MarsThe Cat]

34. around these parts that's known as "prostitution"...

compensation for services rendered.

[Tallison]

36. Would you say the same of divorce settlements?

[MarsThe Cat]

38. divorce involves a marriage contract-

an engagement does not.

the way the previous poster phrased it, made it sound rather "whorish" to me- as in "deserved compensation".

[Tallison]

47. Just feelin' you out

Welcome to DU and carry on. :hi:

[just a girl]

58. Sorry to offend...

... but I can't help but believe that if he proposes and she catches him in bed with her best friend on the night before the wedding...

... or she finds out just before the wedding that he's a child molester...

... or that he's just marrying her for her money...

... or, or....

.... that she should have to give back the ring.

And no one can tell me that some of these guys aren't the best players - they'll charm you right up till the end. I've seen too many of my friends fall to their kind.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

43. Fuck that.

Any man who puts up with a woman's bullshit to the point where they'd give her a ring deserves a goddamn Congressional Medal of Honor.

And no, I don't believe that, but it's just as ridiculous and asinine a comment as what you made.

[DS1]

45. Either party that would want to keep the ultimate representation

of failure is as cold as the stone on the ring.

That reminds me, I've still got one I can get rid of, and I could sure use the CASH!

[Shell Beau]

48. Um, no! If you are having to "put up with" anything then

why would you accept a ring to begin with? That is bullshit. And a really screwed up way of thinking about a relationship.

[enigami]

54. Have we dated?

:yoiks:

[BlueIris]

31. Gosh. I can't decide. Assuming I paid for it--don't think I'd want it.

If I didn't pay for it, well, keeping it would make me feel dirty. But, it could depend on the reasons for the break up.

[Withywindle]

32. No.If YOU break it off, give it back. But if HE breaks it off, you do.

And you sell it and go on vacation.

Simple as that. :D

[enigmatic]

33. Give it back

Period. Unless you've paid for it.

[hippywife]

35. In the words of Zsa Zsa Gabor...

(who I really did see address this issue on Johnny Carson on night.)

"Yes, darling...you should return the ring. But keep the stone!"

[bridgit]

37. oh honey, he can keep the ring; but i keep the diamond...

:7

[Shell Beau]

40. If you helped pay for it, sure! But if not, then give it back!

[Divameow77]

41. Don't take this the wrong way but

why would you help pay for your own engagement ring?

[Shell Beau]

49. I don't really see anything wrong with helping pay for it at all.

Men have all this pressure to spend lots of money on a ring and to find the perfect ring. If you are in it for the long haul, then why not help pay for it? I have no problem with that. I didn't help pay for mine, but in the end I guess I did since my husband and I have the same account. :shrug:

[redqueen]

57. We were already living together, and I made more money.

It just kinda happened.

:shrug:

[In_The_Wind]

42. I didn't.

I bought most of my own jewelry.

Some of the pieces that were gifts from old Lovers are too painful to wear. Just looking at some of those special treasures still beings fresh tears to my eyes. I could never part with them but I haven't reached a place where I can wear them either.

[Coventina]

44. Not sure what to say in your case, since you both invested in it.

But under traditional circumstances, if the woman breaks the engagement, she returns the ring.

[Lisa0825]

46. I kept mine and made it into a pendant, later pawned it.

My ex was a chickenshit who left me while I was at work, and left a note on a 3x5 index card. I had NO CLUE we were breaking up. But we were married, not just engaged.

Still, in my opinion, an engagement is still a contract. Verbal contracts can hold up in court too, so even without the marriage license, you are still in a contract. Except in some alternative relationships, that contract generally requires fidelity, and a decent level of treatment (as in not committing fraud or abuse). So I say if one party breaks the contract, the other party should get the ring.

If he cheats, beats or in some way commits a major act of deception, I think she should keep the ring even if she's the one who breaks it off. If it's a matter of growing apart, or she's leaving for someone else, etc, then she should give it back.

[DemBones DemBones]

50. That's rotten but it coulda been

worse -- my uncle was in the hospital having his carotid arteries Roto-Rooted and got a message on their home answering machine that his wife was divorcing him!

At least he knew then why she hadn't been by to visit. . .

The weird part is that they were married more than forty years.

[xmas74]

51. I sold mine

to buy things for my baby. But he was an abusive *ss who never contributed a cent to anything for the nursery or baby clothes. And he was the one who cheated(but I was the one who broke it off).
The way I did it sounds bad but I bet I could stand in front of a judge and they'd agree w/ me when they found out where the money went.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

52. Depends

I gave the ring back when I broke of an engagement. It was my decision and I felt it would have been wrong to keep the ring. He tried to get me to keep it but I refused.


In your case, redqueen, I don't feel you would have been wrong to ask for partial financial reimbursement if you choose to. Sometimes it's just better to let things go, however.

[SOteric]

53. In general, if the engagement is broken by either party, return the ring.

I can think a few rare instances when I believe keeping the ring to be the better part of valour. I used to work with a woman whose former fiance was discovered to have a serious drinking and gambling problem.

The engagement ring was an heirloom and had been in his mother's family since the early 1800's. She felt certain if she returned it to him, he'd hock it for gambling debts, so she kept it until such time as she could track down a member of his mother's family and return it to them safely. I think that was the right thing to do.

If you'd paid for the ring, then keep it. If you paid in part for the ring, then I would still return it, but I would also think in fairness that you should be reimbursed for whatever part of the purchase price you paid.

[friesianrider]

55. Someone gave me a ring once...

It wasn't an "engagement" ring per se, but when we seperated, I offered to return it and he said he wanted me to keep it. We ended up getting back together anyway, so...

:shrug:

I'd probably always offer it back though. I believe it is usually given in anticipation of a marriage, and although I think it's kind of tacky to look at it as "I gave you this ring in exchange for you to marry me, and if we break up I want my down payment returned," I'd still offer. I'd like to think any man I'd date that seriously would want me to keep it anyway.

[distantearlywarning]

56. I would give it back

Unless he did something really awful that caused me to break off the engagement, like sleep with my best friend or hit me or something. Then I might keep it just to restore a little justice to the world. :evilgrin:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

59. you know i have realized that i want to buy my own ring

largely cos i want an expensive ring...and dont date rich people...

[chaska]

60. I read somewhere recently that the ring is symbolic of the vagina....

I wonder what bearing this would have on the question.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

61. Here's the Etiquette:

If he breaks off the engagement, she can keep it...if she breaks it off, he gets it back.
Duckie

[bigwillq]

62. No (nt)

[southlandshari]

63. No.

I say give it back. Unless you paid for it.

And then run away to Tahiti with someone fun!

;)