Should my friend leave her marriage?

[Darth_Kitten]

My poor friend is having a rough time in her marriage.


Her husband cheated for many years, with hookers. It's "her" fault.
Several days after finding this out, hubby comes home and throws a fit because supper isn't on the table. He quotes the bible to her yet doesn't like either church or church going people.

Is a tight fisted jerk when it comes to her, but apparently can spend the family cash on beer and hookers. Makes derogatory comments about her weight. :( Oh, logs onto porno sites all the time and has a drinking problem.

I don't know what to say to her when she tells me all this. :( She's a great gal and doesn't deserve this. :( She is debating whether or not to leave him because he won't go for counselling.

:(

[La Lioness Priyanka]

1. he sounds abusive

i would advise my friend to leave...

[Crazy Guggenheim]

2. She should dump him hard and take him to the cleaners!!

:woohoo: :applause: :popcorn:

[Mutley]

3. Sounds like a yes to me.

But it's her life.

[Darth_Kitten]

5. Oh, of course...

thing is, I just listen to all this. I, unlike other friends, aren't telling her what way to go. I don't know the guy like she does obviously, and don't want to interfere in a marriage.

:(

[Mutley]

37. I wouldn't want to interfere, either.

But it sounds like she could be in danger. Maybe you could find a way to broach the subject with her in a way where you're not telling her what to do, but let her know that you'll be there for her, support her, and help protect her if necessary. A lot of women stay in relationships like that because they feel like they have no other options.

[Rising Phoenix]

4. I don't know your friend...

so I feel bad giving advice... but that doesn't sound healthy...try and get her to do what is best for HER, which sounds like it would be leaving HIM

[Darth_Kitten]

8. Yeah, I don't giving advice either.....

but all the time we hear some new terrible thing he's done or said and it's sad to see her so troubled. :(

[nini]

6. The only thing to decide is how far to run

He's already proven to be a cheating sack of crap. Sounds like she needs to realize no one should treat her like that.

She needs to run fast and get some help in building herself up. Then and only then will she only accept someone who treats her well.

[Darth_Kitten]

10. She's thinking of getting some counselling for herself...

she's such a sweet, nice person. HE won't get any counselling because HE doesn't have any problems. :eyes:

[nini]

44. She must get her own counseling.

Seriously... he is such a drain on her. I know people that have allowed a partner to bully them into accepting the lack of respect and abuse these people throw at them. She won't pull it together overnight but with friends like you constantly enforcing to her that she deserves nothing less that love and respect, she may be able to do it.

She'll be sooooo much happier when she sees that. She'll be like a new woman

[caty]

7. A quote from Maya Angelo:

"When some one shows you who they are----believe them."

He's not going to change. Her choice is to spend more time putting up with him, or taking a chance on a new and better life. She should also be worried about him getting HIV and infecting her.

[Darth_Kitten]

11. I agree, he's not wanting any change...

:(

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

9. Of course she should. No question.

I don't know what you can do to help her, other than offer her support in any way you can... money, friendship, a place to stay.

I had a friend who I tried to talk into leaving her hubby for a long time. He was violent and abusive. One day she called and told me "Cyndee, if anything happens to me, it was Joe." That's when I told her, "You need to leave him now; come here, go to your parents, but leave. If you decide not to leave, please do not call me again." I called her sister (who's a cop), and her dad (who's a retired cop) and told them what she'd said. She stopped calling me... until 2 years later after he kidnapped her and her kids. He served 3 years in jail and she was finally able to divorce him. She understands that I could not stand by and watch that happen, and I couldn't make her help herself. I tried for YEARS... obviously not the decision for everyone, but I was working through my own issues as well.

Good luck to you and your friend. :hug:

[Darth_Kitten]

15. Right now I offer a ear.....

Something holds me back from telling her what an arrogant jerk I think he is. :(

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

17. Then don't. Ask her if she's happy, even though you know the answer.

Tell her that, based on some of the things that you hear, you fear for her safety. If you have the means, tell her that if she ever needs someone or something, that you're there for her. You don't have to tell her how you feel about him... fuck him.

I know how powerless you feel... another :hug:, for good measure.

[Darth_Kitten]

19. Thanks

Next time she brings him up, I'll know what to say. Great feedback from DU as usual. :)

that's right, fuck him. :mad:

[SarahB]

12. Why should anyone stay with someone like that?

There's no point.

[Left Is Write]

13. She should ask herself the question Ann Landers

(or was it Dear Abby?) always told women to ask themselves when wondering whether to leave:

Will she be better off WITH him or WITHOUT him?

[gollygee]

14. I sure as hell would leave

would have left ages ago.

[tjdee]

16. Ask how she'd feel if her mother, sister, or daughter were in a relationsh

ip like that.

I hope there aren't any kids involved--because seriously, she would be showing her children that it's okay and normal for someone to treat you like shit.

[Darth_Kitten]

18. She has a daughter...

thing is her daughter doesn't want her to get a divorce, but I don't think she really knows the truth about her parents' relationship.

:(

[tjdee]

20. This is why it's up to your friend to be a MOTHER.

I'm sure her daughter loves her dad--but your friend's got to make the executive decision and do what's best.

Oranges don't grow from shit trees. How can her daughter be happy if her mother is miserable, what is her daughter learning about marriage, self worth, etc. etc. etc.

And again--ask her "Would you like your daughter to live with a man like that?" The answer is of course no, but then why does she matter less than her daughter?

As Dumbledore says "you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy..."--getting a divorce will be messy, painful, etc. etc... but the long term will probably result in happier times for her and her daughter.

Just a sad, sad story. Hope she comes out of this okay.

[donheld]

21. "Don't get mad, Get everything"

Ivanna Trump said that. And your friend should do it now.

[diplomats]

22. I am absolutely amazed that thirty years after women's lib

women are still putting up with abusive jerks like him! And you ask should she leave her marriage? HUH? Are you serious? She should never have married him in the first place! And I don't believe he was different before they were married. Sure, a person can hide his behavior for a time, but if you go with a person long enough, his true persona will emerge. Women make the mistake of thinking a man will change after marriage and ignore warning signs that should be red lights!

I agree with the previous poster. Tell her not to tell you her problems anymore if she isn't willing to take her power back and do what's necessary to free herself from this situation.

[Darth_Kitten]

23. She's pretty tough...

I think she realizes now what a jerk he is.

And she can stand up for herself, whenever he fires something at her (verbally) she throws it right back at him.
And she intends to keep the house. :)

[skygazer]

28. You're right to a point but.....

It's not always a case of thinking a man will change after marriage. Sometimes those warning signs are very subtle and they can be seen as something other than what they are. A lot of abusive men are sociopaths, who can be extremely charming. His urging you not to work can be seen as concern for your well-being. His way of isolating you can be seen at first as him loving you so much, he wants to be with you all the time. By the time, the true monster within shows up, it can be two or three years into the relationship, even longer. By then, the woman has a lot invested in it. She wants to believe that THIS is the aberration, not the nice guy she originally fell in love with. And that does complicate things - even with the worst guy, there are things that she fell in love with and you want so badly for those things to win. Unfortunately, they never do.

The whole dynamic of battered women is not a simple, cut and dried thing. Believe me - I'm one the strongest, most independent people you'll ever meet and I got sucked into that nightmare, to my complete surprise. And it took me 8 years to get out of it.

[DawgHouse]

24. "She's a great gal and doesn't deserve this"

That's what you tell her. She should go to counseling on her own.

[AirmensMom]

25. I'm SO much in favor or trying to work things out in a marriage ...

UNLESS there is abuse involved. This guy needs to be kicked to the curb before he hurts her. :(

[Dangerously Amused]

26. ...

Before I worked with women in abusive relationships, I didn't understand what made them stay. Now I understand there are many reasons they stay. Gut-wrenching fear whether they show it or not, and not love, is the biggest reason they stay.

This woman is in a terribly abusive relationship, and I guarantee you, it is NOT going to get any better. What's worse, as one person said, your friend's actions speak louder than her words and she is showing her daughter that women getting abused is "okay." Her daughter is already buying into it. If she does not get help, her daughter will likely seek out a man just like her father, and the cycle will continue.

Please, please, PLEASE, this woman needs more help than you can offer (with all due respect). She needs professional help, insight and resources. There are professionals who will help her, for free. Take her to the local District Attorney's office, to the Victim-Witness office (or whatever they call it in your state), those whose job it is to assist all victims of crime. They almost always have special units devoted to helping victims of domestic violence and other domestic abuse. And even if he has done nothing criminal (like slapping her or telling her not to call the cops if she's afraid when they fight), the VW people can still point her to shelters and counselors who can help her plan SAFE and effective ways to cope with the situation. If she won't or can't go with you, go alone and bring back information for her. Be careful though, if he catches her with it he will probably get angry. But the VW people will brief you on all that.

Good luck!

[salin]

27. run... if he gets an inkling that she 'knows' he will begin to escalate

which, given the signs of controlling nature, often means an escalation into violence where not only her mental health is at stake (as it sounds is currently the case), but very possibly her physical health will quickly become endangered.

[Misunderestimator]

34. Good advice...

and Hi! :hi:

[salin]

39. a belated

:hi: back at ya!

[flamingyouth]

29. Yes.

She should run and not walk away from this marriage.

I speak from experience here. I wish her the best. :hug:

[Sanity Claws]

30. It's her decision

It sounds like an abusive situation. However, she is the only one who can decide whether she should leave. You can support her and let her that she has options but that's about it.

[JVS]

31. Yes. Both would be happier.

She'd be happier. And it doesn't really sound as if he wants her to stay either. Doesn't want to give any money, likes hookers, looks at porn a lot, doesn't like the way his wife looks, likes to drink a lot. These are not the actions of a husband who is happy in a relationship.

[Darth_Kitten]

32. Thanks everyone for all the valuable feedback...

:)

[davsand]

33. Frankly I'd clean out ALL the cash THEN go directly to a divorce lawyer.

I'm talking cash advance every credit card, clean out ALL the bank accounts and even whatever retirement accounts he has. This is a little tip I picked up from a local divorce attorney who is known for his rapid settlements and favorable outcomes.

Men are MUCH more biddable if they have zero credit left on the cards, NO money in the bank, and no means to get access to any cash right away. Plus, she needs something to live on until her alimony and child support starts up.

As an added bonus, it will be difficult for him to rent any hookers too...

:evilgrin:


Laura

[electron_blue]

35. Oh yeah, definite yes.

[ScreamingMeemie]

36. It's so difficult for you to be in that position...I'm so sorry DK.

I think you should tell her that it is ultimately her decision and if she looks long and heard at herself that the answer is already there. What a good friend you are to take on the cares of your friend. :hug:

[BlueIris]

38. For him: Divorce papers. Curb.

For her: therapy. Lots of it.

[radwriter0555]

40. BEFORE SHE LEAVES HIM, she MUST sit down with her tax attorney /financial

consultant and make her financial arrangements FIRST.

BEFORE she says ONE single word, she must must must must get her money affairs in order.

Other than that, there is no debate. He's a freak and she needs to dump his sorry ass AFTER she talks to her financial advisors.

[Bassic]

41. She should get the hell out

IMHO

[peacefreak]

42. She is the one who must make this decision.

I was in a similar situation. My advice is for her to contact a domestic violence group in her area. She will learn the tools for getting out safely, how to protect herself & her children if she has any. If she is working, tell her to set up a savings account that only she knows about. She needs a safe place to go to if she has to leave in a hurry.
It is a tough spot to be in. She doesn't need welts or bruises to be a victim of domestic abuse. Psychological & verbal abuse is just as damaging. I wish her well.

[Shell Beau]

43. Only can decide if she wants to leave him.

He needs some serious help it sounds like. If he was willing to get help then there is a small possibility that they could pull through. Otherwise, I'd be gone if I were her.

[Heidi]

45. I'm surprised he has lived long enough for divorce

to become an issue in that marriage. :grr:

At the same time, only that couple can decide, individually and collectively, what is best for direction for that relationship.

Just be a good friend to your friend, Darth_Kitten. It serves nothing, in my opinion, to be judgmental about either your friend or her husband. :hug: