Tom Cruise Paternity episode on Maury

[JVS]

It appears Katie Holmes is pregnant. Am I the only one who has doubt of this child's paternity. 1 year from now, imagine we are watching Maury. What will Mr. Povich say?

[Deja Q]

1. Not the father. Naturally.

O8)

[BigMcLargehuge]

2. Tom you are... ARRRGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGH!!!! BZZZZZT!!!!

Cut to technical difficulties sign, three ads for personal injury lawyers, one ad for Spishak car wax, and a promo for next week's Jenny Jones. Cue music, pan audience, show Tom on stage with Maury.

Maury looks frightened: So Tom, as I was saying before the break... it appears that (he opens the envelop again and sees a photo of Connie Chung suspended over a vat of pirhana)... You really enjoyed working with Mr. Spielberg on War of the Worlds?

Tom: That's right Maury, and the bestest thing in the whole wide world was spending the off-set time with my oggie snoogums coochie coo Katie Watie Make a Baby Holmes...

Maury (looks off stage. Sees three blue shirted SEA ORG goons with a remote control connected to his electric neckband.): Uh... tell... me... how you two met.

Tom (Leaps off the stage and begins doing handsprings across the front row in front of the audience). I was introduced to her at a party. AND I LOVE HER TO PIECES!!!!! MARGAL GARGAL FLAGGA FLOOOOO!!!

Maury (glances down at the picture again and wonders if they are real pirhana in the tank then stares into the camera). Sweat breaks across his forehead: I can tell you're really head over heels for her...

Tom: (Bites the fingers off someone in the first row. Blood drizzles down his chin as he chews the meat and bone). ONCE MY MATING CYCLE IS COMPLETE THE EARTH WILL BOW BEFORE ZARKON THE DEFILER!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Maury: Run everyone! RUN!!! ARGHGHGHGHGHG!!!! (another zap the collar. He drops to the stage, writhing.)

Something like that I figure.

[BigMcLargehuge]

3. kick (goddamn it I spent ten minutes typing this out!)

:kick:

[JVS]

5. Tom Cruise fanfic has way too creepy an effect for people to reply

I'm frightened beyond the capacity for rational thought.

[philosophie_en_rose]

4. Very funny.

But $cientologists don't believe in electro-shock therapy. Only mean psychlos do that.

:)

I figure it would be more like "A Very Special Episode" of Maury, where Katie Holmes' family rescues her from the clutches of a nasty cult. Tom Cruise leaps from backstage and then gets whomped by the stereotypical audience member. "Oh no you di'in brainwash this poor girl."

Or Kodos beams down from Venus and claims the baby as her own.