Feminists: is there anything I should do?

[Taxloss]

I have a concern about my fiancee, Mrs T. We're getting married next June. The "problem" - and on the scale of things it's a mild one - is that she's not very political.

That in itself is not a problem. I'm fascinated by politics andI'm a special case compared to the public at large. And I know that Mrs T's sympathies are completely in line with mine - social justice, progressivism, a fair deal, all that.

However, on specifics she always seems to defer to me. To construct a hypothetical example, we're watching the evening news and a new issue comes up. She might say she thought it was a bad thing, then I'd say I thought it could be a good thing, and she'd do a 180-degree opinion change there and then. Not always, but often.

What concerns me more is that on several occasions she has asked me what she should think about something. I try to help her develop her own opinion. But that passivity worries me.

Even more worryingly, on more than one occasion she has asked me how to vote.

I'm not saying for a moment that she's some sort of Stepford drone. She's one of the sparkiest, feistiest, funniest, and astute people I have ever met. I wouldn't marry her otherwise. We have hugely entertaining arguments about everything most days - but rarely politics.

So is there anything I should do? I don't want her to become a political junkie, I just worry that she's not articulating her views. I don't care if they differ from mine.

[entanglement]

1. Have a good time and don't worry about it

All that matters is what you thihnk, not some feminist. ME, I love my women as long as they don't mind my :beer:

[Taxloss]

2. Well, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

But I do worry that she's not getting her fair shout.

[KitchenWitch]

3. My two cents

Her lack of interest in the body political may be manifesting itself in her SEEMING to be passive. She trusts you to be informed. I am sure she has well developed opinions on topics that catch her interest.

I would not worry too much about it.

[Taxloss]

5. Thanks, that's reassuring.

She's a second-gen HKer, so she has very strong views about HK and immigration, race issues, etc., but beyond that not so much.

[Mutley]

4. I'm sure she only defers to you because she knows you are informed

and that your opinion is likely to be similar to hers. My SO does the same thing. But he doesn't vote. x(

[Taxloss]

6. Doesn't it bother you a bit?

I don't know, as a feminist liberal child of feminist liberal parents perhaps I have a view of "what women want" (or "what women SHOULD want") that's as stereotypical as that of the right.

I have to say I agree about the "not voting" thing. Once Mrs T didn't vote in a particular election - I forget which - and I was very concerned about that. I don't really mind HOW she votes, I just keenly appreciate the fact that people have died to win us that privilege. Especially women. On the occasions she has asked me how to vote, it's been because I've been encouraging her to vote and she's said "but I don't know who for", so I outline how I'm voting, why, and the positions of some of the other parties or candidates that she might like.

One good thing - she HATES the right wing with intense passion.

[Mutley]

7. It does. Or rather it did.

But then I decided to just inform him myself without actually inserting my opinion (as much as it's possible not to insert my opinion :D )and let him decide for himself. But for the most part he agrees with my position on things. If he were more political he would probably be more centrist than I am, but that's better than being to the right.

He never voted because he feels like it's only one vote and it won't make a difference, especially since we live in a blue state. But after the last election he said he might vote in the next one. I keep working on him on that. I might just drag him by his ears to the polling station and make him vote. I don't care how he votes either, just that he votes.

[MissMillie]

8. Love her for who she is.

People are who they are. You're not making her submissive or subjective. If she asks you for your opinion on something, give it to her. She respects your opinion. If she didn't, she wouldn't be with you.

But when you give her your thoughts you may want to throw in what the counter-argument is, and suggest where she might get more information.

If she doesn't take an interest in doing any research for herself, maybe the topic isn't that important to her to begin with.

Just out of curiosity, because you framed this as a feminist issue: Are you equally concerned about men who seem passive?

[Taxloss]

9. Well, of course I love her for who she is - I simply want her to get the

deal she wants.

She watches the news with me, and comments on it, but it doesn't make much impression.

I'm not concerned about men who seem passive because I'm not marrying one, if you see what I mean. I just feel a bit patriarchal and autocratic if I make up her mind for her on politics. I do make an effort to fairly present alternatives.

It seems it's just not important to her. And I just find that hard to understand.

[omega minimo]

10. Perhaps she's intimidated by the political process?

Lots of people are. That's part of the game: political blowhards making it seem like there's something common folks "don't get" or lingo they don't understand. Which is hogwarsh. Grass roots are very wise and they know what the game is in this country right now.

It's obvious she respects your opinion. She is lucky to have someone like you, someone considerate.

Could it be she thinks you know more about the process. Her opinions are there, but she lacks confidence? Maybe have a conversation about the grassroots speaking up. We need that now.

Rosa Parks is a good example.

Here's to you and the Mrs. :toast:

[Taxloss]

13. You might have a point.

Generally speaking, she doesn't lack confidence - she's feisty and headstrong. We met at university, and she was studying English Literature and I was studying history. Now, she works in the arts and I work as a journalist, often writing about politics. She certainly thinks I know more about it because I do.

And by golly, I could certainly see her in the Rosa Parks role, absolutely, because she loathes petty injustices in every-day life, but coming to an opinion on something like Turkey and the EU? She'll ask me. And not ask me what I think, ask me what she should think.

I know what she'll say if I mention it, because I have done before: "I'm just not very interested."

Maybe we late-20somethings in the UK have just grown soft under 8 years of Labour government. A dose of Toryism would probably wake her up.

And thanks for the :toast:! Have one yourself! :beer:

[omega minimo]

15. There's much to be said for those with the good sense to ignore politics

:evilgrin:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

11. My ex was not at all political when I met her

now she is house counsel for one of the largest environmental trusts in the state. It's amazing what people can do when you empower them in an area where they are weak.
Perhaps when she does that 180 you should query a bit more as to whether she is changing her opinion to suit you or whether she had an insight out of what you said.
We all know there is a lot of propaganda, and people who've not taken the time to dissect it all can fall for it.

[CBHagman]

12. It's always refreshing...

...to be asked questions, to have one's opinion sought out, to be heard, listened to, known. It's easy to fall in the pattern of someone taking the lead or someone keeping a lid on the private opinions...

[khashka]

14. I wouldn't worry about it - marry her!

She sounds great. And the passivity thang - KW pretty much covered it.

You did say one disturbing thing though... that you know what women should want. Isn't that totally and completely up to her?


Come on, you can argue and enjoy it and love each other! And laugh. What more do you want? Maybe she's the type who doesn't quickly form an opinion, she trusts you to have looked into things, checked them out and she's willing to trust your judgement. In many ways, that's quite a gift she's giving you.

Khash.