Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar And Find A Table....

[KittyWampus]

three vampires walk into a bar and find a table. When the barmaid comes to take their order, the first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood." the second one says, "I'll have a pint of blood too." the third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

"So," the barmaid says, "that's two bloods and a blood light?"

[Crazy Guggenheim]

1. ..............

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[-..__...]

2. "Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar And Find A Table...."

three vampires walk into a bar and find a table. When the barmaid comes to take their order, the first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood." the second one says, "I'll have a pint of blood too." the third one says, "I'll have a cup of hot water". "Hot water?" replies the barmaid, "Your two buddies here just ordered a pint of blood". "I thought all vampires drank blood"? With that, the 3rd vampire reached in his cloak pocket, pulled out a ____________ and replied... "Oh no, I'm having tea".

[Left Is Write]

3. Ewwww!

I think you have officially put me off my breakfast.

[KittyWampus]

4. So THAT'S The Joke Some DU'ers Refused To Spill Yesterday

it did make me squirm a little bit! :D

[crispini]

5. I don't get it.

Hmmmm.....

[KittyWampus]

6. Okay, here's a hint, that Vampire only drinks tea PERIODICALLY

[crispini]

11. Ok, I got it.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

[Reciprocity]

7. Punny Puns

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady "
"That sounds like a Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Have you heard about the midget psychic bank robber? Headline read Small medium at large.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

[kwassa]

9. Transcend Dental Medication?

Some people have entirely too much time on their hands.

[NNadir]

16. I don't know if they're grating or great. Great I think. Thanks for the

punishment.

[DanCa]

8. What do you call a hot dog with the meat missing

a hallow weenie.

[Reciprocity]

10. Good one lol!

[StaggerLee]

12. Two nuns

are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice ___," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

[edbermac]

13. Ugh...they wouldn't even tell that joke on SNL...

Then again...

[Patiod]

14. So a string walks into a bar...

A string walked into a bar and asked for a drink.

"Sorry," said the bartender. "We don't serve strings here."

The string left and returned a while later, all twisted and bedraggled and again asked for a drink.

"I told you we don't serve strings here and you're a string, aren't you?!", bellowed the bartender.

"Nope," said the string. "I'm a frayed knot."

[Baclava]

15. Nuns

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

Cabbie: "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic! "OK," the nun says, "Pull into the next alley." The nun
fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a very passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I
have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

[KittyWampus]

17. What's Black & White & Red All Over?

Nuns puking up blood... old friend and I thought that one up in a mutual drunken stupor.

[RevCheesehead]

18. I heard it was a nun with a spear through her head. n/t