|
Edited on Wed Oct-26-05 11:34 AM by trof
If you have any ideas, I'd like to hear them.
Note: All of the principals in this story are in their 60s, with grown children and grandchildren. They are upper middle-to-upper class folks, well educated, intelligent and financially secure.
My friend's wife, at age 58, suffered a stroke. Seven years later, her physical health is relatively good. She sleeps most of the time, but is gotten up for bathroom trips, meals, and daily walks. In my layman's opinion her mental state is that of a precocious but confused 3 or 4 year old. She will usually speak when spoken to, but mostly to just answer questions "yes" or "no". And it's not always the correct answer. She is very withdrawn. She sometimes thinks her husband is her brother or that a peer is her mother.
Long story, but bottom line: 1. She is cared for in the home, not in a nursing home, and not with any "professional" help. Her husband appears to be devoted to her, or at least the person she was, and to providing for her continued well being. At least at this point, a nursing home is not an option that he will consider.
2. She was very active in her church. Initially, church members were supportive, visiting and taking her out for drives and walks. Gradually, over the months following her stroke, this support ceased. Except for one woman. More about that later.
3. Same as the above for her siblings. They don't come around any more.
4. Their son and daughter-in-law are supportive, but have a 3 year old twin boys and careers. Not a lot of time to spare and they live in a city 6 or 7 hours away.
So...my friend had been caring for his wife pretty much single-handedly for several years. He is retired, so he has the time to devote to her, but it has taken a heavy toll on him, both physically and emotionally. When he needed to run errands, etc., he hired a sitter for a few hours.
Back to the lady mentioned in 2. Another long story, but she volunteered to come every Wednesday afternoon for a few hours so my friend could get out and take care of other things. Bit by bit they began to have conversations about each other and their lots in life. It turned out she was in an unhappy marriage. One thing led to another and their relationship grew and prospered.
About a year ago she divorced her husband, he divorced his wife, and they got married. He told me that divorcing his wife was the hardest thing he'd ever done. They both still care for his former wife in their new home. (They moved to another state.)
It seemed to me to be the ideal (if highly unorthodox) solution to what had been a bad situation for all concerned.
Miz t. and I paid an overnight visit to this supposedly happy menage a trois last week end. All is not well.
Evidently the husband lays off many of the caretaking chores on the new bride. The new bride has become resentful of wife #1. And maybe husband #2. She is a delightful woman. He is a great guy. And their initial idea, to try bring some degree of happiness and hope to two formerly depressed and unhappy people seemingly without hope, while still providing loving care to a stroke victim, made sense to me.
Maybe neither of them were able to fully anticipate all the ramifications of their venture. I sure probably wouldn't have been able to either. It's like a couple caring for a mentally challenged child, except the "child" is 65 years old and the former wife of the father. Anyway, although they are still pleasant on the surface, Miz t. and I sense trouble. Any suggestions? I can supply more details on request.
|