tell your favorite joke (no Brazilian jokes allowed)

[Devra]

[KitchenWitch]

1. You need to ban Crazy Guggenheim from this thread then

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?




































Because he was looking for Pooh!

[Devra]

2. what did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

damn!

I was going to do the impatiant cow joke but it wouldn't work

[TransitJohn]

3. Did you hear about the

new movie they made about pirates?
























































It's rated AAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!

[Devra]

4. yeah

did you hear about the two peanuts that visited New York? one was a salted

[TransitJohn]

5. Well then...did you hear

the one about the optician who fell into his lens grinder?
















He made a spectacle of himself.

[Devra]

6. did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder

he got a little behind in his work

[Michigander4Dean]

8. Are you a "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" fan?

Because I've seen Ryan Stiles make both of those jokes.

[Devra]

9. my dad told them to me.

[Michigander4Dean]

10. Do you know if he's a fan? | nt

[Devra]

11. don't know

he told these jokes before whose line was on the air

heres one

two hasidic rabbis are buying black suits from Neiman Marcus. (traditionally hasidic rabbis only wear black) as they leave the store one rabbi says I think these suits are Navy blue? I can't believe it they gave us the wrong suits!! You sure says the other "I think they look black."

no there navy blue I can't believe this

the rabbis can't decide then the see two nuns across the street.

here's what we'll do one says we'll walk past the nuns that way we can compare the suits to their habit's and we'll know.

when the rabbis were out of earshot one nun said "I didn't know rabbis spoke latin"

well as a rule they generally don't says the other why

I just herd those two rabbis say something in latin. they just said "Neiman Marcus fucked us"

[GrpCaptMandrake]

62. Not done with the thread yet

but that's way out in front on the obscurity scale. Beautiful!

[Devra]

7. how do you top a car

tep on the brake tupid

[madinmaryland]

12. How much is a brazillion?

:evilgrin:

[Patiod]

So a string goes into a bar

and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve strings in here."

So the string leaves, messes up his hair, and twists himself all up.

He re-enters the bar, and the bartender says "I thought I told you we don't serves strings. You look like a string. Are you a string?"

And the string replies


























'frayed knot.

[MissMarple]

23. LOL Here's an old one.How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

I just love corny jokes. I try to tell this one every Halloween.




































I depends on what you want to change it into. ;)

[Patiod]

13. deleted dupe post

[Kire]

67. did you hear about the deleted dupe post by Patiod?

It was Edited on Mon Oct-31-05 04:55 PM by Patiod

[toey]

14. what did the egg say to the boiling water?

you make me hard

[suzbaby]

15. Two muffins are sitting in the oven....

One muffin turns to the other and says, " Whew! It's getting hot in here!"

Do you know what the other muffin said to that?















"AHHHHHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[lakemonster11]

16. What's brown and sticky?

...A stick!

[jmowreader]

17. Bush visits Little Rotten Johnny's class

George Bush went to a classroom to talk to the students. He asked for questions. Little Rotten Johnny stood up and asked "Mr. President, why did you lie America into a war?" Suddenly the recess bell rang.

Right after recess, Bush again asks for questions. The teacher stood up. "Mr. President, where's Little Rotten Johnny?"

[SIU_Blue]

18. Did you hear about the two silkworms that got into a race?

They ended up in a tie.

:D

[Arkana]

19. Q: Hey, did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

A: Yeah, it runs in your genes.

(Mods, I am SO sorry.)

[ContraBass Black]

22. "Mods, I am SO sorry."

No, you're not. :spank:

[HEyHEY]

20. The only Brazillian joke I know is their auto racing team

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

24. The only Brazilian auto racing team I know of is in the A1GP series

And it's doing quite well.

Maybe you meant something else?

[LostInAnomie]

21. Why did the eskimo wash her clothes in tide?

Because it was too cold outtide!

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

25. Bigots. (nt)

[rbnyc]

26. Why can't Helen Keller have kids?

'Cause she's dead.

[GrpCaptMandrake]

63. Freakin' *gorgeous*!

How did Helen Keller burn her face?

Answering the iron.

How did she burn the other side?

They called back.

[Devra]

27. did you know that colubus was the first Republican

when he left he didn't know where he was going
when he got there he didn't know where he was.
when he returned he didn't know where he had been.
and it was all done on the taxpayers money.

[dubyaD40web]

28. Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and run away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and
this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again, the wolf jumps up
and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop."

[DanCa]

29. If it's neither here or there than were the hell is it?

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

30. why do you hate Brazil?

[Devra]

31. I don't

but I think everyone is tired of that joke by now. I want to hear (or see )jokes I have't heard (or seen) before.

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

32. you obviously hate Brazil. Brazillions of us know this.

[Devra]

33. why don't you tell a joke?

I'm sure most people would find that more entertaining then busting my chops.

"he who laughs last thinks slowest"

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

35. okay....no more busting your chops. here's a fresh joke for you.

Devra has a newspaper and the headline says "Explosion Kills Three Brazilians." She tosses the newspaper on the ground and begins crying. Her friend says, "Devra, what's wrong?" Devra says, "I can't read."


(what do I win?)

[Devra]

38. I must be an entertaining target.

Ok so you managed to come up with a joke, not very original but a joke none the less.

here's a smiley
:applause:

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

40. I beg your pardon: "not very original"?

1. my joke has never been told
2. my joke is especially tailored to you, for making fun of me for not telling a new joke
3. my joke pretends to be an old joke at first, then wallops you with its omni-cleverness.

I can see I'm gonna have to take my show back out on the road to fine tune it.

[Devra]

43. let's see.

1. your joke's main premise is someone who doesn't know what brazillion means. (that's been done)
2. the target is assumed to be either illiterate or stupid (in this case me) (as unoriginal as you can get)
3. just because the joke hasn't been told before doesn't make it original. Yours is simply a variation on different joke.
4. oh and just because you used a different name doesn't make it original either.

but most importantly
5. It wasn't funny (ok this doesn't have anything to do with it's originality but a good joke should be funny)
(and no, I am not just saying this because I am offended, I just don't think it's funny)

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

44. ooooooooooo, thanks for teachering me up good there.

[Jamastiene]

58. Hey, this ain't GD nor is is GD:Politics.

I just think this sort of exchange in the Lounge is weird.

:evilgrin: :crazy:

Most of the jokes I know are sick and tasteless. Here is one that may be safe enough to tell.

What kind of shampoo did Jeffrey Dahmer use?
































Head & Shoulders

[Cats Against Frist]

55. "omni-cleverness"

This is my favorite post ever.

[Left_Winger]

34. What is long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine.

[Wetzelbill]

57. :: groan :: I should've seen that one coming a mile off

:)

[rateyes]

36. Did you hear about the woman who backed into the

propeller of an airplane?






























disaster!

[Arkansas Granny]

37. Did you hear about the cat that backed into the fan?

Disaster!

[rateyes]

39. Why did the chicken

go half-way across the road?


















She wanted to "lay it on the line."


Why did the dog cross the road?










It was the chicken's day off.

Why did the possum cross the road?









To prove that it could be done.

[jeanarrett]

41. How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

21 -- 1 to hold the lightbulb and 20 to drink until the room spins!

[GrpCaptMandrake]

64. What's the definition of

an Irish 7 Course meal?



A boiled potato(e) and a six pack of Guiness.

(And that ain't no insult) :beer: :beer: :beer:

[VelmaD]

42. One from my 6 year old nephew

What's green and sits in the corner?














A naughty frog. *snort*

[Bombero1956]

45. here's one

2 hippies are sitting at the end of a dock in the Florida Everglades, an alligator swims up and bites the leg off the first one, he turns to the second one and says "hey, do you know an alligator just bit my leg off?" the second one says "which one" and the first one says "I don't know, when you've seen one alligator you've seen them all"

[Bombero1956]

46. another

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[yellowdogintexas]

47. A Panda walks into a bar,

sits down to the table, orders food.

The waiter brings the food and the panda eats it. When he finishes eating, the panda gets up, shoots the waiter and heads for the door.

The bartender says "Hey Wait a Minute, why did you just shoot my waiter?"

The Panda says " I'm a Panda Bear. Look it up"

So the bartender pulls the dictionary out from under the bar, and looks up panda bear: a large black and white mammal, native to the Chinese central forests.




















Eats, Shoots and Leaves!






:hide:

[AirmensMom]

48. OK, get ready ...

A man walks into a diner and looks at the menu.

The waitress comes along and asks, "What can I get for you?",
to which the man replies, "I'll have a quickie, please."
At that, the waitress slaps him and walks away.

A few minutes later, another waitress comes along and asks, "What can I get for you?"
The man again replies, "I'll have a quickie, please."
Again, the waitress slaps him and walks away.

Several minutes later, a third waitress comes along and asks, "What can I get for you?"
The man again replies, for the third time, "I'll have a quickie, please."
And, for the third time, the waitress slaps him and walks away.

Finally, the man sitting next to him leans over and whispers in his ear, "I think you mean Quiche!"

:rofl: (Well, I thought it was funny ... :yoiks:)

[tigersumtin]

49. Three Lady's sitting at the bar, all of their husbands have the

same first name. One steps up and says " Lets name our husbands after a soda pop so we know who we are talking about" All three laughed and the first one stepped up and said " I'm going to name my husband Mountain Dew, cause when he mounts he knows what to do" they all laughed and the second one jumped up and said "I'm going to name my husband Big Red, cause he's big and he's red" again they all laughed and the third one said "I'm going to name my man Jack Daniels" the three grew silent and one spoke up "you can't name your husband Jack Daniels, Jack Daniels is not a soda pop it a Hard Liquor" The Third lady responded EXACTLY...

[Jamastiene]

59. Hahahahahhahaaa.

:rofl:

That's one of the best ones I have seen in a long time.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

50. W. is giving a Press Conference.

Suddenly he starts to frantically stick a finger in his ear. A "reporter" says "What's wrong Mr. President?" W. says "I left my earpiece in my office. I can't hear Karl Rove!"



:rofl:






















C'mon it's not the Brazilion joke!

[hippywife]

51. Okay, I was raised Catholic

so I can tell this joke!

There were four nuns who died and went to heaven. They were standing outside the pearly gates when St. Peter came to let them in.

"I'll let you in shortly but first you each have to answer one question."

He turned to the first nun and asked, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

She replied, "Just once and only with this finger."

"Okay,' he says, 'stick your finger here in the holy water and go on in."

He asks the second nun the same question and she responds, "Only once and just with my right hand."

"Okay, then,' he says, "Stick your hand in the holy water and go on in."

He turns to the third nun and is about to ask her the same question when the fourth nun shoves her out of the ways and says...

"Look! If you think I'm going to gargle with that shit after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!!"

[mokawanis]

52. When I was born

the doctor told my mom was an ugly baby. My mom took great offense at his comment and said "I'd like a second opinion", so the doctor said "Ok lady, you're ugly too."

[GrpCaptMandrake]

65. "He'll be here all weekend

and don't forget to tip your waiters!"

:rofl:

[mokawanis]

53. A horse walks into a bar

and the bartender says..."why the long face, pal?"

[mwooldri]

54. My favourite blonde joke of all time...

and btw I am blonde.

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

[GrpCaptMandrake]

66. I'm one, too, so, here goes

A blonde is driving her car through the country one day when she sees another blonde out in the middle of a field, sitting in a canoe and paddling like mad.

The first blonde stops her car, and yells to the blonde in the canoe "Hey! You! Don't you realize it's blondes like you who make people think other blondes are stupid?"

And the second blonde replies "Why don't you kiss my ass?!"

And the first blonde says "Honey, if I could swim, I'd come out there and KICK your ass!"

[Cats Against Frist]

56. Three guys go for a job interview

The employer takes them to the middle of a field, and hands them each a brick. He says: the one who can throw the brick up, the highest, gets the job.

First guy throws up the brick, it goes up about 10 feet.
Second guy throws up the brick, it goes up about 30 feet.
Third guy throws up his brick, and it doesn't come down.

Employer looks at him, and says: "you got the job."


*****

Another one:

Guy walks into the dentist office and says, "Dentist, I have a problem -- I have green teeth!!!!"

Dentist says: "Buy a green tie."

******

One more:

St. Peter is at the gates of heaven and god sends
down the word that it is getting crowded and he is letting too many
people in. He tells the saint to examine the cases more closely, and
be more choosy.

So to the next person up to the gate, Peter asks: How did you die?

Guy replies: "See, I am a very busy man. I work in an office. Well,
one day, someone tells me my wife is having an affair. So I decide to
catch her in the act. I go to work, then I go right back home and bust
into our apartment, and I go straight to our bedroom. My wife is in
bed, naked, the sheets pulled up around her and i KNOW someone is
hiding in the room, so I look around...in the closets, under the
bed...can't find anybody! Finally I get pissed and go out on our
balcony to have a cigarette. That is when I see a person hanging over
the balcony next to the next door apartment. I think -- that must be
that bastard. So I go over to him and start stomping on his fingers to
try and get him to fall. Finally he falls, but a bush breaks his fall,
so he is still twitching and I want this bastard DEAD so I look around
for something to throw down on him, and the only thing I can find is
our refrigerator. So I topple it over the balcony, problem is, I lose
my balance and me and the fridge go over, squashes the guy and kills
us both. Now I'm here."

St. Peter shrugs and lets him into heaven.

Peter asks the next person in line: How did you get here?

He says:"I was just watering my fucking plants when my feet got
tangled up in the hose and I fell over the side of my balcony. I was
hanging on for dear life, then this ASSHOLE comes over and starts
saying all this shit to me and stomps on my fingers, trying to get me
to fall. SO i have to let go, and I fall, but some bushes break my
fall. Just when I am thanking God that I am okay, the fucker throws a
refridgerator down on top of me and it kills me. Fuck!"

St. Peter lets him into heaven and asks the third person in line: How
did you die?

Third person says: "Imagine this: You're naked and crouched in a
refrigerator....."

***

Last one:


Man and a woman are in an airplane, and the man has a cigar, and the woman has a parrot. Man hates parrots, woman hates cigars. Man says to woman, "hey, listen -- if you throw out your parrot, I'll throw out my cigar." She agrees, and they roll down the window of the plane and toss them both out.

So, they're riding along, and they hear a "tap, tap, tap," at the window. It's the parrot. Guess what he has in his beak. (?)

















A Brick.

[grannylib]

60. You know how when geese fly they fly in formation, like a 'V' and one

side of the V is always longer than the other? Know why?

There's more geese on that side.

used to crack my dad up every time he heard it, and my mom just did NOT get it! "That's not funny...that makes perfect sense!"
"Yeah, mom, that's why it IS funny!" She still doesn't get it.

[mestup]

61. A three legged dog walks into a bar carrying a shotgun...

..."I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my pa."