Friday nite romance question: why are men attractive?

[rockymountaindem]

Here's a problem I have:

I'm a young hetero man. Obviously, this means I try to pick up girls, but I'm hamstrung by a few things. First among them is this: why do girls want to go out with guys at all? It's pretty obvious to me why women are sexy. I mean, you've seen the evidence...



But why are women attracted to men? When I'm chatting with a girl I'm attracted to, I always think to myself, "She can't possibly be thinking what I'm thinking. I bet she just wants me to go away". Not because I'm not self-confident. As guys go, I think I look ok. But "attractive" is not an adjective I'd use to describe a man, not even myself. So, it kind of gets in the way of me meeting girls because I just assume they'd rather be left alone.

Could someone explain to me why women want men to be attracted to them? What's so great about us?

[elshiva]

1. As a bi woman, men are attractive

more because of a sense of caring and understanding that they project rather than physical looks per se:


But again there is nothing that says that you have to get why men are attractive just as long as your not a homophobe.

Don't get down on yourself. You probably are very attractive...

[rockymountaindem]

3. Oh, I look great!

B-)

Caring and understanding, you say... hmm...

[elshiva]

4. Yes. Caring, understanding go a long way.

You probably do look great. Best of luck! ;)

[Lilith Velkor]

2. Um, because most women are heterosexual

I would imagine.

[ghostsofgiants]

5. I never ponder why women find guys attractive...

But I do have a tendency to assume they're thinking "why the hell is this guy talking to me?" Haha. Really annoying mindset to have.

[LeftyMom]

6. Because cuddling is way better with a guy (IMO)

and men can do things in the sack that ladies can't. :shrug: Also, (some) men smell good in a sexy, earthy kinda way.

[WCGreen]

7. I like to cuddle....

Always have...

But raw monkey sex, now that's just fun....

[SeattleGirl]

9. Oh really?

:evilgrin:

[WCGreen]

15. Nothing better....

And since I am in my late 40's, I figure I am just about ready to reach my prime....

I have the lasting power to bring pleasure, the desire to please myself and my partner and the physical control to set the pace and the tone for the ultimate pleasure...

And that is just the meal before the sex....

[In_The_Wind]

17. More men should think like that!

[WCGreen]

18. Men do.....

It's the boys who don't....

I have a younf bisexual friend....

She enjoys sex with both...

But her sexual union with women is more enjoyable to her cause, as she says it, we can wake up and be friends...

I told her the same thing...

It's cause you are with boys and not men...

Give it time, you will meet men as you get older....

Now I understand why yonger women enjoy the company of men....

[In_The_Wind]

22. You also understand ...

why older women prefer the company of slightly younger men ...



BTW ~ would you care to elaborate on this ...

"It's cause you are with boys and not men...

you will meet men as you get older...."

[WCGreen]

25. She is surrounded by 20-22 year old boys...

Kids that have rappers as heros... Kids that have fathered multiple babies... I am glad she is getting a good job so she can get out of the world she is in and meet someone who will teach her how to respect herself...

[In_The_Wind]

32. Ah ...

I see your sleeping pill has started to kick in because since your answer was to me about meeting "men as I get older instead of boys" had me a bit concerned.

You see as I was going to festivals celebrating Hecate ~ An ancient fertility goddess who later became associated with Persephone as queen of Hades and protector of witches. I met many women my age who had lovers that were in their early 20's. Several of the women were very complementary in their conversations with me - saying that I was a very rare and special blend of "the maid, the mother and the crone". I listened carefully but I didn't tale their words to heart ...

You see - I'm not interested in educating young men into the wondrous ways of sensuality ...

[WCGreen]

34. Well, I am of the belief that every young man should have

an older woman as a lover to teach him what it is to be a man...

I met my goddess in Salem, Oregon... she initiated me.. Taught me the pleasure of being an attentive lover and the passion good listening can bring to a sexual relationship...

She had me when she told me she wanted me cause I was young and dumb and full of......, well, you know the rest....

[In_The_Wind]

36. Yes ...

I do know all the rest ...

there were sky clad lads and ladies in full body painting and nothing more ...

it was a celebration that really got going strong from dusk to dawn ...

as we danced around the bond-fires under the light of the moon ...

[GOPisEvil]

62. Agreed...if you can...I highly recommend it.

I learned a lot...I just hope I haven't forgotten. ;)

[WCGreen]

75. Before you get too old, you should impart that gift to a younger

woman so she can take the wisdom of the ages with her as well....

[Truebrit71sbruv]

82. Been there... done that...

... on all counts... and am in full agreement with you...

[SeattleGirl]

19. Did it suddenly get warm in here?

:blush:

[WCGreen]

26. I hear tell of a Warm Front over North Dakota.....

[SeattleGirl]

27. Really?

:evilgrin:

[WCGreen]

28. Bismark, Here I come.....

[SeattleGirl]

31. _._

:evilgrin:

[A HERETIC I AM]

85. wwwwWWWOOF

woof




sorry. but.......

wwoof

:evilgrin:

[Heidi]

10. I don't do raw monkeys.

Unless they shave their backs. :evilgrin:

[WCGreen]

16. Hand me the Shaving Creme......

O8)

[Heidi]

20. .

Shaving cream it'll be, because I missed the whole Cool Whip thing a couple months back. :rofl:

[WCGreen]

21. I tried the Cool Whip, but I kept knicking my shoulder blades..

[Heidi]

23. Ouch.

:scared:

[LeftyMom]

60. I don't disagree

:evilgrin:

[WCGreen]

74. Cuddling is way cool.....

But as a start in....

To get the ball rolling, so to speak....

[LeftyMom]

77. also after

:)

[WCGreen]

78. It's the in between that makes your momma wanna rock...

[6000eliot]

8. I'm a gay man

and I obviously find some men very attractive. I'm not, however, attracted to all men just because they're men. I assume you are the same way with women. BTW, I find some women very attractive, too.

[Omphaloskepsis]

11. Oh, Seinfeld....

Elaine: "Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep."

~Seinfeld

[rockymountaindem]

12. My favorite show ever

How'd you know?

[Omphaloskepsis]

13. I can only think of one person that doesn't love it.

Pretty much all of the things we encounter in life have been explored by Seinfeld.

[In_The_Wind]

14. Because ...

I like the way I feel when I'm held in their arms ...

Cuddling with a woman wouldn't feel the same ...

[SoCalDem]

24. Because that's just the way things are..

People are attracted to other people. There are subtle signals that people pick up on.... If a person is NOT interested, they will stay home and not put themselves into a situation where they are "on display"..

Pheromones are out there.. watch out :)

[AVulgarianHue]

29. Giggling...

I was about to say "Pheromones, baby."

[In_The_Wind]

37. Pheromones ...

That's truly the answer to the unanswerable question that so many people ask "why do you want me?"

[SeattleGirl]

30. Different things.

It would depend on the individual woman, what she likes, what she finds attractive both in terms of looks and personal qualities. I myself am turned off by an over abundance of testosterone and by men who have Adonis complexes. I do like strength in a man, but also like them to have -- excuse the phrase -- a "sensitive side" to them.

I think part of an attraction is inexplicable -- a quality that cannot be named, but which is attractive. If someone is missing that quality, no matter how good looking they might be, that is not someone I would find attractive. On the other hand, there are men I have encountered who might not be "attractive" in the model sense of the word, but toward whom I have felt a powerful attraction. That, I think, is one of the wonderful things about attraction, whether it be male/female, male/male, or female/female.

[Taxloss]

33. If I may add my 0.02c ... I think men respond to affection in a unique way

As you said, most of us either have a hopeless inferiority complex around women ("Why is she interested in ME?") or have a high opinion of ourselves and like having our ego stroked ("The studmeister scores again!"). Either way, this makes us very appreciative of attention.

(I should say that I'm a het man)

[SeattleGirl]

35. Reminds me of something I read once:

Men use affection to get sex; women use sex to get affection.

I don't really think that men and women are so starkly divided, because that would be like saying men don't give a damn about affection, and women don't care about sex. Perhaps there are folks in both camps who would fit that, but in general, while I think men and women do often see thing and approach things differently, I think there is a mixture of the desire for affection and sex in both genders.

[Taxloss]

38. Yes, I agree.

Nicely put.

[SeattleGirl]

39. Thanks!

I think we are an interesting species! I still haven't figured us out!

[Nikia]

69. My husband and therapist say it is more complicated for men

She said that for men, especially ones in a relationship, sex is affection. I asked my husband if that was true and he said that it was.

[mrcheerful]

40. It's all mother natures way of keeping the speices going.

The only problem is with humans and their intellects want it to be more. Procreation is the driving force behind everything. Women tend to have a need to feel safe,protected and cared for. Men, want to see something naked and hope they get lucky, Jeff Foxworthy.

[Oeditpus Rex]

41. I think the same way rockymountaindem does

I have very little confidence in the chances of a woman ever being physically attracted to me — y'know, first impressions. You can't see a guy's heart or soul from the other end of a bar or whatever.

I interpret his question to mean, what is it about less-than-hunky guys that gets women to respond to us in the first place — to see beyond the averageness and find that sense of caring and understanding elshiva mentioned?

[SeattleGirl]

42. My friend, you are assuming that women are mainly

attracted to looks. I'm sure some women are, and as far as I'm concerned, they are a perfect match for the men who are only as attractive as their outer selves.

For me, and for a lot of women I know, it goes beyond that. Sure, I might see a guy that is physically attractive, but if his "innards" are empty, then that is a turn off to me. I really am not attracted to physical perfection, because I myself am far from physically perfect. Plus, if I'm going to hang out with someone for any significant period of time, there has to be more than pretty wrapping to keep me around.

My husband has a problem with his weight (I do to, to an extent). But you know what? He is very attractive to me. He is good looking, in my opinion, but he is also smart, funny, sweet, kind, considerate -- things that mean far more to me than a pretty face.

BTW, if you can ever find it, watch "The Enchanted Cottage". It's an old B&W film with Jimmy Stewart (and June Alyson, I think), about a couple who meet after he returns from WWII. He is disabled from the war, and she's kind of a plain Jane, but as they fall in love, they become more and more attractive to each other. I wish I could find the movie again.

[SeattleGirl]

43. P.S. Something for you....

[Oeditpus Rex]

44. Dammit, I knew I wasn't expressing myself well

I know better to assume women are primarily attracted to appearance. But initial attractions are, generally, rather animal in nature — no one, male or female, sees a good heart or some other esoteric quality the first time they look at someone. (On rethink, I suppose this could happen, but it'd be rather extraordinary, no?)

My question is, what do women see in an average-looking guy in those first few seconds that makes them want to look inside? What is it about that guy that makes him stand out from the rest of the Joe Averages?

On edit: P.S. — thanks for remembering the tunes. :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

45. Well, here's an example:

I met my husband in a dance class. I had finally wrested myself from my "Grand Obsession" and after hiding out in my apartment for some months, I figured I needed to get out. I signed up for a West Coast Swing class, and my now-husband was in the class. I think he's cute, but if he were lined up with America's best looking, I suppose he would not come in 1st, nor would I. Anyway, we often changed partners during class, and he was the best dancer. He, several of his co-workers who were also in the class, and I ended up going out quite frequently. He kind of "grew" on me over time, and one day I realized I loved him.

So, I agree that upon first meeting, it is probably rare that one would see the inner qualities of a person, but given enough exposure (no nasty pun intended) those inner qualities would be discovered.

One thing that definitely turns many women (and I dare say, men) off is an air of desperation! I mean, if all you are on the hunt for is a superficial one night stand, let the desperation loose, but if you are looking for something more, reign in the desperation and give things a bit of time.

[Oeditpus Rex]

46. Yup... confidence is *very* attractive

I can fake that. :silly:

[SeattleGirl]

47. Maybe you can fake it for awhile,

but again, one of the best qualities in a person is that they be themselves. If you are a quivering mass of jello, it's sort of difficult to maintain an aura of confidencefor any sustained period of time. However, if you can fake some confidence, get to know someone, let them get to know you, then the "fake" can perhaps become the "real".

Can I ask you something? Don't answer if you don't want to, but I am wondering if you perhaps don't see yourself in a very positive light. Seems to me you are not such a bad sort.

[Oeditpus Rex]

48. Check your PM

...in a couple minutes. :7

[SeattleGirl]

49. Will do!

:7

[XemaSab]

70. Attraction usually isn't

"in the first few seconds"

You're making the assumption that attraction can be based on something like going to a singles bar / meat market, but women who do that are only looking for a hookup.

Real attraction for me is based on someone's personality, and that can only come through spending time with the person and getting to know them. I'd have to talk to someone for at least a few minutes before deciding whether they were attractive or not.

[smirkymonkey]

86. For me it's energy.

It's a certain intangible quality that people of similar wavelengths pick up in each other. I don't know what it is, but I know it when I feel it.

I have met and dated some physically gorgeous men who have left me cold. I could appreciate them on an aesthetic level, but felt no attraction toward them whatsoever. On the other hand, I have been crazy about certain men that were nothing to look at, or even downright homely, because they just radiated something that I responded to.

I have met men that, on the outside, should have been my ideal but there was no energy between us. Unfortuantely, too many people are seeking others based on external criteria. When you do meet someone, it will be someone who is less shallow and who likes you because they have recognized your uniqueness.

[hippywife]

54. The Enchanted Cottage

is one of my all time favorite movies but it starts Robert Young and Dorothy McGuire. Stewart and Allison did the Glenn Miller Story together, tho. Another of my fav movies.

[SeattleGirl]

80. Thanks for the correction.

It's been years since I've seen that movie, and would love to see it again! I think it is true that the more we love someone, the more attractive to us they are, and not just in a physical sense.

[NuttyFluffers]

50. sounds like you are talking about the physical aesthetics...

as denoted by the picture proferred in the original post.

well, there is beauty to the male form, too. in fact, to many it's downright "sexy." are you asking the 'why' of what makes a man physically 'sexy?' because it seems so apparent whenever you look at pictures of women but not so much when you look at men?

well, to stroke the egos out there of our male DU bretheren let us compile the physical 'sexy' attributes that turn so many on -- considering that they are so different from the 'obvious sexiness' you perceive from the female form...

the male form displays sexiness in such ways:
-strength, displayed often rugged and raw, so erotically tempered by the potential of being reigned in by gentlemanly conduct.
-the firmness and musculature, reinforcing the concept of strength (a different strength than normally attributed to women). even men with less hair hint at the underlying strength of this
-an earthiness of the skin; larger pores, rougher skin. an earthiness of scent; closer to the animal, the instinct within.
-the extra hair, even of 'refined' hairless men, than women is another connection to the rawness of sex, instinct, and promise of barely restrained energy. forearms, with their bit of extra hair, tend to drive people wild.
-the veins underneath, like the muscles and blood are barely contained, just waiting to burst out
-the resonance and timbre to a man's voice. like an anchor in the darkness... or a predator. to sweep you off your feet, pin you down, or fend off foes. excitement, thrill, and security
-the sharp and more angular lines; a bulwark against the world's difficulties, a foundation, a shelter; muscles, the ripples of stength bursting forth, yet so often can be reined in by tenderness and love

et cetera...

perhaps an art class would be a good investment while in college. see why the human form is so beautiful, what emotions and thoughts it evokes. see how male and female form end up evoking different feelings and sensations. it may take some extra effort, but men can be retaught to see the intrinsic beauty in their own form, a beautiful creation in its own right just like women.

[LaurenG]

51. A man with a great big

heart. I can't help but just love a kind and gentle man. Everyone of them whom I have ever met has a special place in my heart. There are several around here. Many men here are openly gentle and in some you have to look for it.

The guys who talk tough but who throw in a compassionate line about cats are the "covertly" gentle guys. You guys know who you are.

[Dastard Stepchild]

52. Since you find it challenging to be attracted to males...

(being that you are hetero), I'm guessing that you find it to be a perplexing and uncomfortable situation for women as well. But, heterosexual and bisexual women, err... want a man to romance, so to speak, making men a rather desirable object of attraction.

But are you asking for specifics? Cuz that differs with every single woman. We all have our own little laundry list of what we find attractive in a man. :)

[Missy Vixen]

65. I was just talking to my husband about this thread

>We all have our own little laundry list of what we find attractive in a man.<

I was trying to explain to him that the reasons why I would find any man attractive are very different than he would expect them to be. Some of the most classically handsome men I have ever met didn't do a thing for me. I like goofy, geeky, a little shy, and funny. I don't even know how to define it, but let me try. My husband is nice-looking. He's tall and he used to play football, so he has broad shoulders, big hands, dimple in the chin, the whole thing. He has enough confidence to live his life without being an egomaniac. I fell in love with him not because of how he looks, but the whole package. He smells nice. It's not cologne, he just smells good. I feel safe with him, emotionally and physically. He makes me laugh.

I like imperfection, I think, because I'm certainly not perfect.

Julie

[nashbridges]

53. I "snagged" my wife

In less than five minutes simply because of my laugh and my voice.

She didn't tell me until five years after we were married. I was talking to a friend of mine and telling a story about a co-worker and she was eavsdropping on the conversation. To quote her: "I wanted you to laugh and tell stories about ME. Instantly."

Of course, I'm a man, so my first reaction was: "You didn't think I was HOT?" even though she insisted she did. Go figure. She snagged me by being the most ostentatiously flirty woman I'd ever met at that time.

Really, I've never had a woman come on to me like she did. It was an outstanding feeling. And yes, she's a tad older than me, but I don't think a younger woman would have had the self-esteem to be so ballsy.

And I'll end this post by giving a shout-out to older women. Holy crap do you ladies know things :)

[LaurenG]

56. My husband is younger

and he isn't bitter and angry. For me personally that was a great plus. I just have such a hard time with meanness and a mind closed tighter than a drum. That is the wonder of a younger man; they still have the capacity to believe they can make a difference in the world, if only by their example.

[Left Is Write]

73. I'm older than my husband by eight years.

[Tallison]

55. Their shoulders, smell, voices, body size, and hands

are the physical things that get me going. :sigh:

[Beausoir]

57. Don't forget hair, legs, eyes and smile.

But hands....a man with beautiful hands is a major swoon.

[Tallison]

58. Yes, a man with a good mouth...

just makes you want to *taste* it.

And facial stubble... :loveya:

[gollygee]

59. Men are amazingly attractive

tummy, arms, shoulders, back, butt, neck

Don't worry . . . we respond to this:



The same way you respond to the photo of Catherine Zeta-Jones

[tjdee]

61. Nothing, really. But we like you anyway.

:hide:

I kid!

I kid because I love!

[Deja Q]

63. As a gay man, I've seen the evidence...

[WCGreen]

79. I didn't know you were gay.... Happy maybe, But Gay....

[NewJeffCT]

64. I'm guessing

that women are often attracted to men in different ways than men are attracted to women... however, instead of the woman's cleavage, or her dark, seductive eyes or her flowing hair, it's different things that women notice on men, though I think attractive eyes & a good butt work equally well on both sexes. And, to be honest, I tend to notice different physical things in different women I've dated through the years, but the one thing they've all had in common has been intelligence & strong, outgoing personalities.

I think men (in general) tend to be more visually stimulated than women, while women tend to be more mentally stimulated. However, I think there still needs to be physical attraction on both parts & mental attraction, too.

So, while you may be staring at a woman's chest and feeling attracted, she may be attracted because you made her laugh or because you seem to have your act together or something else entirely.

[Lilith Velkor]

66. Bah! THIS is evidence of why women are sexy

Are you attracted to her? If not, why not?

[NewJeffCT]

67. Just remembered this from a few years back - women wondering

why men thought they were attractive. I was going over to visit a friend of mine (meeting him at his parent's house) and his sister was there with a bunch of her girlfriends and they were wondering how come men thought they women were attractive. They couldn't understand what men liked about women, especially when you compared a woman's private parts to a man's. So, while my friend was late, I got grilled on questions like this...

So, I guess it works both ways.

[Nikia]

68. Men have to be interesting

I am attracted to realtively few men on looks alone. The few who I have been usually have really striking eyes or look a bit unusual in a good way. For whatever reason, men tend to be more conforming as far as hair styles, clothes, and body shapes compared to women. Many of them look sort of generic.
The men who fit in the generic looking category must be interesting. This goes with the more striking unusual men too, but to a lesser extent initially. He must have something interesting to talk about, a passionate hobby, and not seem like a conformist. This all must be genuine. None of this must be done with the sole purpose of seeming attractive.

[undeterred]

71. Men who listen to what a woman says

and remember it are sexy. Intelligence, generosity, a good sense of humor are sexy.

A man who tips the waitress and thanks her impresses me (former waitress here).

As for looks, its a totally individual thing.

[XemaSab]

72. Men I like

have to be really talented at something and have to have something insteresting to say.

It doesn't matter what that talent is, just that it makes me go WOW, and we have to be able to have a conversation without running out of things to say.

[gollygee]

76. I've always been attracted to men who can make and/or fix things

who have some kind of mechanical skill - really anything like that.

There are women who like all sorts of things.

[Omphaloskepsis]

81. My sister is like that..

She married an electrician. The guy can fix the car, install a new dishwasher, rewire the whole house. and put in a new toilet.

I can do all that stuff too.. I just end up burning things in the process.

[Truebrit71sbruv]

83. Worry less about the "physical" end of the spectrum...

... and focus on what it is to have a woman laugh "with" you...

Wit is under-rated, under-used and when deployed creatively - devastatingly effective.

[lakemonster11]

84. Well, just to give you an idea of what (het) women are thinking...

= "That's a nice photograph. What a cool necklace!"

= "WOW."

Heterosexual women are heterosexual because they think men are hot. Trust me. ;)