BUCKEYE FANS, add your favorite Michigan joke

[ShaneGR]

Ann Arbor News Report:

Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on
Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on
his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a
suspicious looking, white powdery substance on the practice
field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice
while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field
analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the
players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided
that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

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Q. What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

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It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will
only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of
the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

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Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the
ground? All five books in the library were destroyed. The football
team was very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.

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Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State
grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad.
Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma
mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them
was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up
the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame
grad hurled himself of! f the mountain, shouting "This is for the
Fighting Irish!" as he f ell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done,
the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming,
"This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this the OSU grad walked
over and shouted "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the
Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna
hear a Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you
tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs.,
and I am a Michigan grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall,
weighs 225, and he's a Michigan grad. The fella next to him is 6 '
5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan grad. Now, you still wanna
tell that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it three times."

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A Buckeye fan walks into a curio sho! p in German Village in Columbus.
Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so
striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How
much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one thousand dollars for the story,"
said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat,
you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed
that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and
began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he>
began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats
behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats
now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward
him faster and faster.!

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Olentangy R iver
and threw thebronze rat as far out into the river as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the river after it,
and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You
have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze
wolverine."

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of
work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile,
gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the
store."

"But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I
even played football there!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom I'll show you how."

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Two University of Michigan football players were dow! n on campus
partying. They were hootin' and hollerin' when a bartender asked
them why they were celebrating.

The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw
puzzle and it only took two months.

"Two months!?" exclaimed the bartender. The Wolverine replied,
"Yeah, but the box said 4 - 6 years."

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I've just received word that there is a new addition to the
Endangered species list: Michigan Alumni

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A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery
when they came upon a headstone that read:
"Here lies a Michigan graduate and an honest man."

The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"

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A Wolverine football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback
riding accident. He fel! l from the horse and was nearly trampled to
death. Luckily, the ma nager of the WalMart came out and unplugged
it in time!

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Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are flying in a plane and it
crashes.

Tragically, Jim Tressel dies, oh and, so does Lloyd Carr. They both
get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says "Come on in guys. I'll
have some angels show you to your new places."

Jim and Lloyd both go their separate ways and the angel taking Lloyd
to his new place shows it to him. Fuming, Lloyd starts yelling,
"What's with this? I get this little rundown leaky shack with
broken windows and the paint peeling off the walls and Jim gets the
huge mansion with golden gates and OSU flags waving everywhere! I
demand a place just like his!"

The angel, trying to calm Lloyd down says "Oh, that's not Jim's
place. It's God's."

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Jim and Lloyd are walking down t! he beach talking about the new
rivalry starting with Jim taking over as coach. As they're walking,
Lloyd trips over something and almost breaks his leg. Upon closer
inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp.

"Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd, both say that
they did it. "You will each get one wish." said the genie. Lloyd
offers to go first.

"I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of
Michigan so that none of those stupid miscreants from Ohio will ever
get a chance to get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it
is high, and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can
finally have our peace.">

The genie grants the wish to him and he is instantly whisked away to
his new paradise.

Jim says "Now fill it up with water."

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Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
! A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the only sign of intellige nt life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 Miles

Q: What does the average UM student get on his SAT?
A: Drool

Q: Why doesn't Michigan sink into the great lakes?
A: Because poo poo floats.

Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: Why did U of M replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

One Final Thought:

[Jivenwail]

1. Bwahahahahahahaha!

How about these:


Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him.
Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in, when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda." "No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it.

When the Buckeye returned with the soda, the other Wolverine said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it.

The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in sodas?"



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Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is. Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over and asks him, "Craig, who's your fathers brother's nephew?

Krenzel answers, "Why coach, that's easy? it's me."

Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback? You've got to have a smart quarterback!"

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre.

"Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says, "Couch, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay?

Carr, disgusted, says okay.

During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry.

"Hey, Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question? "Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Perry answers, "Duh? That's pretty simple? It's me!"

After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris Perry!"

Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Craig Krenzel!!!"

[VermontDem2004]

2. The first would've been funny

If you were referring to the Buffalo Bills who haven't scored a touchdown in 12 quarters but not a Michigan team who has scored over 2x more touchdowns then Ohio State.

[Ohio Dem]

4. Not against Ohio State.

It's been almost two years since UM has found the endzone against OSU.

[AWD]

8. 727 days and counting.....

....no UM player in the endzone against OSU for 727 days now.

[bif]

3. Not particularly U-M jokes.

You could swap the name Ohio State and they'd be equally funny. Or any other football team for that matter.

[Ohio Dem]

5. What do you get if you drive slowly past the University of Michigan?

A degree.

[Ohio Dem]

6. Why do UM graduates hang their diplomas from their rear-view mirrors?

To justify parking in the handicap spaces.

[AWD]

7. Why did Michigan Stadium go to grass from astroturf?

The cheerleaders were dying from starvation and needed a place to graze.

[AWD]

9. Biggest Michigan joke...

Is John Navarre's career stats against Ohio State.

2 touchdowns
5 interceptions
1 fumble lost
0 wins