How do you help a friend through a breakup with a jerk?

[Maddy McCall]

She's "in love." He broke up with her this morning because he's "not happy" and she "just can't make him happy." Trust me, he's a jerk--she deserves so much better.

His characteristics:

- constantly mentioned bringing another woman into their bed while they were intimate.

- an alcoholic who blames everyone else for his "unhappiness"

- a user: she pays for most everything they do; he rarely pulls his own weight in the relationship.

- a cheater: on more than one occasion.

- can't hold a job for longer than a month or two, then moves to another.

- promises her the sky and moon, then in a couple of days changes his mind.

- handsome, in a jimbob kind of way

Her characteristics:

- fiesty with everyone else, a puppy with him

- generous, truly caring person

- stable, except for dating this guy

How do you help someone who is going through this. I am a hard-ass, and my first instinct is to reply, "Fuck him!" but I realize that she does really think she loves him.

So what do I say to her? She called earlier, and I responded with, "You are too good for him! Be glad it's over and find someone who will appreciate you instead of use you." Now I realize I was way too hard on her. She will be an emotional wreck for the next month or two, all the while he will call her "just as a friend" to check up on her, and her TRUE friends will have to deal with the emotional backlash.

So how do I help her? This really sucks for her, especially during the holidays.

[Nlighten1]

1. There isn't much you can do.

Ultimately the decision is up to them. I have a friend who is in this situation right now. Rather than telling her to leave him I tell her to take care of herself.

[MrSoundAndVision]

2. Okay

I don't know if you know this or not: some girls (women) want to date only assholes (nice guys are perceived as weak, I know, I've been both). This fixation for assholes usually happens for one of two reasons: 1) Her father was an asshole, and represents the only meaning she has for a devoted mate
2) The media dictates in these times that assholes are better (i.e. Eminem).

Some girls just can't help it.

And about him: it feeds his ego; that's it, it is that simple for him as he gauges no worth in others. That could always change, but rarely.

So she should call him on being such a selfish asshole, watch as he tries to crawl back to her, refuse him, and spontaneously approach another guy she's attracted to and try to make a relationship with him. Preferrably, he should not be an asshole.

[Maddy McCall]

3. Her dad isn't/wasn't abusive and she is beyond Eminem's influence

This isn't a girl...she is an adult woman in her early forties.

[Darth_Kitten]

4. She's enabling a jerk.

Ultimately she has to decide whether or not to boot his sorry a@@ to the curb(emotionally):(

Just be a friend. :)

[eileen_d]

5. I have been in similar relationships

And it was hard for me to hear good advice from friends when the relationships ended. So I sympathize with you.

I think the main thing that would help would be to focus on how she deserves a decent man who is committed to her. Also focus on her strengths and good qualities which exist outside of *any* relationship.

Always bring the focus back to her as a worthy human being (as opposed to focusing on him as a worthless one).

[gmoney]

6. Introduce her to the next jerk...

If she can't spot a loser like this from a mile away, she'll just do it again. Or worse, if she knew he was a snake when she invited him in, she deserves what she got. Either way, if you bring her a new jerk, at least she won't be monopolizing YOUR evenings with lots of tedious calls asking you if she should take him back. A brand new jerk should keep her out of your hair for a few weeks, or longer.

A real mensch would probably just be wasted on her after dating a loser like this.

Me? Bitter? Hell yeah...

[Skittles]

7. just be there for her

that's all you need to do. Keep your FUCK HIM sentiments to yourself; she will come to these same conclusions without your input. Just be there.

[Maddy McCall]

9. Thanks Skittles...

I needed to hear that. I will keep it to myself, but it is hard.

[Skittles]

19. I know it is hard

but you'll do fine because you are a real friend. :)

[commander bunnypants]

20. Hear Hear Skittles

Sage advice.


DDQM

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

8. Um... you can't do that. You CAN lose a friend over this though

so be careful.

[Maddy McCall]

10. You and skittles are right...

I'll keep it to myself. Might ask her if she wants to go on a roadtrip for a weekend over the holidays to get her mind off of him.

[camero]

11. It may help, it may not

But tell her the population of the area you're in. Plenty of fish in the sea and sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven, so to speak.

I used to stress about things like that too, until I realized how many women there actually are in the world.

[chookie]

12. Yikes

Be supportive of her emotions, but be honest about her being damned lucky this creep is out of her life. Let her mourn, just get her to *think* too.

I would advise you to advise her not to allow this asshole to call her -- it is merely prolonging her agony, and he no doubt is getting off on the power he has over her emotionally. His continually calling her after he dumped her is not healthy. Tell her if it makes her feel bad, it is not *her* fault (he's probably making her feel that it is) that she needs to "get over" in order to act like a decent person. *He* needs to stop calling her, and she needs to deny him opportunities to hurt her.

God -- he sounds like such a creep. Yet I know women who have been involved with creeps, or married them, had children by them -- and these guys made their lives miserable until

What does she think about the issues you raised -- infidelity, alcoholism, being a user, etc? Is this what she is looking for in a man? Was she hurt by his behaviors? Does she realize that she was being abused, and that civilized human being do not treat each other this way?

Why do you think she got involved with this guy? Does she have a need to be "loved?" Does she have some kind of mothering instinct and wants to help out "needy" people? Does she secretly or not so secretly hold herself in contempt? She seems to feel that she is not entitled to ask for anything -- not even the most minimally courteous treatment.

Does she read? Here's a great book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1558505822/qid=1069633269/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/103-0968416-5604651?v=glance&n=507846
(It also does double duty as a manual for understanding freepers and right wingers)

Her age? No spring chicken she. ? Sounds like she may have a real co-dependency relationship issue. If you can get a referral for a good psychotherapist, it may be in order. Someone like this is going to be miserable in relationships, if they don't get some insight and change in their lives.

Support her, but tell her the truth -- that he was a disaster, and she is LUCKY it is over. Tell her that no one in her right mind puts up with this stuff, and that if she is attractied to this guy, or loves him, something is distorted in her thinking, something that will only make her very very unhappy.

[Maddy McCall]

14. Wow, Chookie...thanks. All great advice!

Be supportive of her emotions, but be honest about her being damned lucky this creep is out of her life. Let her mourn, just get her to *think* too.

I would advise you to advise her not to allow this asshole to call her -- it is merely prolonging her agony, and he no doubt is getting off on the power he has over her emotionally. His continually calling her after he dumped her is not healthy. Tell her if it makes her feel bad, it is not *her* fault (he's probably making her feel that it is) that she needs to "get over" in order to act like a decent person. *He* needs to stop calling her, and she needs to deny him opportunities to hurt her.

Chookie, I am being very supportive and am trying to keep in positive, but sunce she dated such a jerk, it's hard to not let my very biased opinions of him out...am trying to restrain myself, though.

I have told her not to take his calls, that it is sadistic of him to call her when HE broke up with her, and his request to stay friends is unrealistic...she doesn't deserve a bad FRIEND anymore than she deserves a bad BOYFRIEND, eh?


God -- he sounds like such a creep. Yet I know women who have been involved with creeps, or married them, had children by them -- and these guys made their lives miserable until

What does she think about the issues you raised -- infidelity, alcoholism, being a user, etc? Is this what she is looking for in a man? Was she hurt by his behaviors? Does she realize that she was being abused, and that civilized human being do not treat each other this way?

She was hurt by his behavior, although not physically. I have pointed out numerous times throughout the relationship that he was abusive towards her. I have told her she could have better, but she always replies, "But I love him."

Why do you think she got involved with this guy? Does she have a need to be "loved?" Does she have some kind of mothering instinct and wants to help out "needy" people? Does she secretly or not so secretly hold herself in contempt? She seems to feel that she is not entitled to ask for anything -- not even the most minimally courteous treatment.

YES--that's it--MOTHERING--she always reaches out to needy people, and I think she likes being needed. Please understand that she is a great, generous person but has difficulty establishing barriers.

Does she read? Here's a great book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1558505822/qid=1069633269/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/103-0968416-5604651?v=glance&n=507846
(It also does double duty as a manual for understanding freepers and right wingers)

Her age? No spring chicken she. ? Sounds like she may have a real co-dependency relationship issue. If you can get a referral for a good psychotherapist, it may be in order. Someone like this is going to be miserable in relationships, if they don't get some insight and change in their lives.

Nope, not a big reader. Wish she were, because I would give her a copy of "Codependent No More." I think it is a codependence problem--at least in her relationship with him.

Support her, but tell her the truth -- that he was a disaster, and she is LUCKY it is over. Tell her that no one in her right mind puts up with this stuff, and that if she is attractied to this guy, or loves him, something is distorted in her thinking, something that will only make her very very unhappy.

Great advice! Will do!

[maxanne]

13. be there

be supportive, and listen. Don't psychoanalyze her, please. Right now the "whys" of their relationship don't matter. She just needs to get through this time of loss.

Try not to dis him - but don't be dishonest, either. She will figure out in time that he's Mr. Wrong. Until then, be a pal. Take her places - have adventures. Find ways to enhance her self image, and draw her into things she's interested in, especially the things he didn't like her to do.

The best thing you can do is listen. The Big Ear is such a gift to a friend.

[Maddy McCall]

15. I am going to call her right now...

and apologize for being so negative about him. And I am going to tell her that it doesn't matter how I feel about him, that I want her to be able to talk to me about HER without me being a horse's ass.

Thanks, maxanne. :-)

[maxanne]

16. you're welcome

she's lucky to have you as a friend, jchild. :thumbsup:

[BiggJawn]

21. Don't be shocked if HE answers the pnone....

Sounds like they are perfect for each other, in a sick way...Frustrating, isn't it, to see a friend throw themselves away....

[BurntIceCubeTray]

17. Try massage

Works for me.

[brainshrub]

18. Alchohol and a one-night stand.

It works for guys. See if it will work for your friend.

[Blue_Chill]

22. What I do for my buddies is go out for a drink

and sit there and listen to them vent. Sometimes you just need to get it all out and drinks give people a mental cop out, they know if they get too emotional they can blame the rum and coke.

A broken heart needs to know it still is loved by someone in some way. That it isn't as alone in the world as it feels.

[corarose]

23. Don't suggest that she break up with him

She will think that you are jealous of her and her boyfriend.