"If you don't start putting on weight by May 1 I'm not paying for college"

[bertha katzenengel]

Mother to teen daughter w/ anorexia (untreated, as far as I can tell).

Your thoughts?

[Strong Atheist]

1. May or may not help. Medical and psychiatric

help needed.

[seemunkee]

2. Oh yeah, threats always help.

Just like they do with my obese nephew.
She needs help, real help.

[Midlodemocrat]

3. The kid needs therapy, pronto.

Anorexia can kill. It is no joke.

[eyesroll]

4. She needs treatment, not threats.

"Putting on weight" doesn't address the disorder at all. It's a threat aimed at a behavior she really can't control without help. It's like telling a nearsighted kid to read the damn blackboard or else, without getting him glasses.

A better approach would be, "We're concerned about you. We want you to be healhy when you go to college. But we can't send you to school if you're going to slowly kill yourself, which is what you're doing. We're getting you help and THEN we'll talk about college."

[Shell Beau]

5. Sounds like the parent has no idea how to approach the issue.

I really don't think that is going to work. The parent needs to get the kid help and also get help for themself so they can learn how to deal with this correctly.

[Maddy McCall]

6. Friends of yours?

Mom needs counseling on how to deal with a daughter with an eating disorder. It sounds like the mother is just ignorant to what anorexia is. Perhaps, if she is a friend of yours, you could suggest counseling for her?

Sad, bertha. A family friend died of anorexia last year. Her parents were ill-equiped to deal with it, because they had no idea what it was, until it was too late, and their daughter weighed 70 lbs.

I hope you can offer some wisdom to this poor girl's mother. :( :hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

12. a co-worker with whom i'm somewhat friendly

July 4 2003, she and the teen in question came to our house for a cookout. The girl looked older then than she does now. she is eighteen and looks about fourteen.

I don't know co-worker enough to tell her that she's harming her child's chances for recovery. I wish I could tell her many of the things you all have told me here - especially Vash's.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

7. Sounds about as useful as saying "Don't be gay".

It will likely have the same results too.

[BlueIris]

8. Mother of the Year there doesn't have the first clue.

About how to be a human being, how to be a parent, how to be compassionate, or how to be helpful. Doesn't know how her daughter developed a serious mental health problem with deep emotional and psychological sources and doesn't care to know. Ouch. Daughter needs 1) serious, long-term help, ASAP, 2) to be the hell away from that sorry excuse for a parent--forever. I hope she gets it.

[Shell Beau]

11. The parent obviously doesn't know how to deal with this.

But that doesn't make her a bad parent. She needs help as much as the daughter does on how to deal with this. I hope they both get the help they need.

[lukasahero]

9. If this mother is planning to send her daughter out of state for college,

she should just kiss her goodbye now. If the anorexia goes untreated (and putting on weight is not treatment), her daughter will likely kill herself in college.

[Left Is Write]

10. Bad idea. This puts even more pressure on the daughter...

which may send her further and further into her eating disorder.

It's almost guaranteed to backfire.

[bertha katzenengel]

13. they went on a cruise for xmas, and this is how co-worker

characterized the experience:

Child in question "did everything she could to make it miserable for everyone else."

:banghead: If I COULD talk to this woman, I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I have told her, though, that if it comes to hospitalization, if Teen needs to talk to someone about the weirdness of being in a mental hospital, she can talk to me. I've been there. :shrug:

[Shell Beau]

14. Is co-worker the mom?

It really is a sad and all too common situation.

[bertha katzenengel]

15. yep

It's heartbreaking. The young woman is an honor student and very charming. She has a bright future. Maybe.

[Left Is Write]

16. It's kind of you to offer to be there for her...

Sending my best thoughts for her.

[mdmc]

17. you might have to be there for this chick.

it sounds like a lot of people care of her, but don't get it. It is obvious that you get it. Offer to talk to her. Mom should say, "I'll pay for college if you go to the hospital for 28 days."

Mom should pay for college...

[KitchenWitch]

18. IMHO Ultimatums usually backfire in a very ugly way.

I hope your friend's daughter gets the help she needs.

[Ellen Forradalom]

19. The exact reason the daughter is anorexic

Food is one thing in her life she has control over. It doesn't look like she has any sway over her controlling mother.

[Radical Activist]

20. bingo

it sounds very destructive.

[rbnyc]

21. You got it.

Very sad. This girl needs to be in treatment, away from her family.

[gardenista]

22. Do not give the narcissistic mother the attention she craves.

She is using this situation to get attention from friends, family, and co-workers.

If I were you, I'd tell her that you are not the right person to talk to about this, and suggest that the family seek counseling.

She is making this life-threatening situation about her, when it should be about her daughter.

I've been there.

[Ellen Forradalom]

25. Excellent observation

and advice.

[Shell Beau]

29. That may not be the case. It is different

for everyone. Maybe the mom doesn't understand the severity of anorexia. A lot of people don't "get it". They think it should be easy to eat. I hope the mother isn't using her daughter's health to get attention. I am not saying that isn't a possibility, but we don't know. She may just be ignorant about anorexia.

[Nikia]

23. Well, she should be recovering before going off to college

I am in an eating disorder support group. In the summer, we spent one of our sessions focusing on eating disorders in college. College tends to make things worse, not better for anorexics who go away to college. In some cases, once they have begin treatment, continue outpatient treatment in college, and really want to recovery they can succeed, but even then relapses happen. Colleges have become more aware of eating disorders but often do not want to deal with them. Schools have kicked students out because of their eating disorders or given them ultimatums (You must meet this weight by this date or you are gone.).
If she is planning on going to college next fall, she probably should undergo hospitalization to get the problem under control sooner than later and have an outpatient treatment plan in the community where her college is located. Most schools also allow defered enrollment and it might be a better option than dropping out due to health or grades (low because of health reasons) if she doesn't have it under control by then.
In any situation, the girl needs treatment, especially befoer going to college. Treatment is helpful. Ultimatums are not helpful, especially at this point.

[LeftyMom]

24. Contol issues much?

No wonder the poor kid's anorexic. :(

[hunter]

26. That's a messed up family.

I pray the daughter escapes alive.

I'd short-circuit mom entirely. Tell her anorexia is a deadly disease and that her daughter needs help now. Mention that many colleges and groups affiliated with colleges offer counseling for anorexic students.

When I was in college an anorexic friend of mine attempted suicide in my apartment. I've some very strong feelings about this.

[bertha katzenengel]

27. Way messed up, hunter

and there is no way to get her to see it. I'm afraid it will take an extreme health emergency or a suicide attempt, god forbid, and even then - who knows.

:hug: happy new year

[Mutley]

28. I suppose it could work...

depending on how badly the daughter wants to go to college. But I'd think real medical and psychological help would be more effective.