Landover Baptist new Topic "Do pets go to Heaven" Funny!!

[BlueJazz]

Do Pets Go to Heaven?

Dear Pastor,

I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everywhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.

Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?

Timothy Galvin - Age 8
Freehold, Iowa



Dear Timmy,

It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won't lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and be able to fly at high speeds. We'll fly too, Timmy, but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.

As True Christians™, we can only speculate why God doesn't find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won't need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting, bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.

I hope this helps.

Your friend and Pastor,

Deacon Fred













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[ET Awful]

1. Sometimes I have a hard time differentiating between

Landover Baptist and Jack Chick tracts. . . .

Which one is the satire again?

:evilgrin:

[BlueJazz]

3. "Brother Harry" is so corny he's Hip!

[DemoTex]

2. As much as I love Landover Baptist, Deacon Fred is wrong.

My dear Sirius is at the Rainbow Bridge waiting patiently, like always, for me and Dr. D. and Nick-Nick. The animals are God's children too.


Sirius (7/25/1993 - 8/25/2005)


Nick-Nick (7/14/2002 - ) His full name is Canicula de Bastille.

[flvegan]

4. Ooh, there should be a follow up where Deacon Fred dies, and

He's crossing the Rainbow Bridge behind an animal rescuer. He sees them all bowing in respect, and assumes it's his presence. Then, as the rescuer clears the Bridge, an evil, rabid tone falls over those still waiting. Then, they tear Deacon Fred apart for being such a dick.