What should I have going on in the back room of my fictitious vampire bar?

[Bossy Monkey]

I'm writing what could be called an Anne Rice parody (yeah, I know, like she didn't write enough of those herself... but still) and I've gotten to the point where the heroes have found the head vampire in the back room of a bar taken over by his blood-drinking cohorts. I want to cross up the reader by throwing in something from left field, so I'd just as well avoid Choice 1 below, but neither do I want to do something so Mel Brooks or ZAZ (Zucker Abrams Zucker) as to be trite. I'm a little stumped to tell the truth and am going off to lunch for inspiration, but any suggestions from Lounge lizards (hopefully more familiar with vampire mythology than I am) would be gratefully accepted.

[flvegan]

1. Russian Roullette with revolver loaded with one silver bullet?

The rest would be normal, just for blood-splatter effect and subsequent regeneration jokes. Wait, do silver bullets kill vampires?

Maybe it's a table lined with squirt guns. One contains holy water. Same game, different way to play.

They could all be having a "Dress Like Count Chocula" themed party.

They could be getting drunk and quoting their favorite Monty Python movie lines.

This is why I'm not a writer.

[datasuspect]

4. russian roulette with an automatic?

[Bossy Monkey]

8. No, this is why you should be a writer

You were doing great except for the silver bullet thing, which would fit in better at the back room of a werewolf bar. Vampires are the wooden stake folks.

Seriously, you came up with much better stuff off the cuff than I have in the entire story. Kudos!

[EstimatedProphet]

2. Jenga

[Bossy Monkey]

9. Love it, but I had to look it up

Maybe I'll have them play Monopoly or Candyland or something like that. Or maybe Twister.

[EstimatedProphet]

10. Maybe Chutes and Ladders

Or even better-D&D. Or maybe have them playing Vampire-the Masquerade!

I think there's some witty possibilities in all of those.

[LeftyMom]

14. V:tM was my idea, thank you.

:dunce: <- me

[EstimatedProphet]

16. All credit to you

I didn't see it at first, sorry.

[LeftyMom]

17. I kid, it's no problem.

:hi:

[Bossy Monkey]

23. At the moment, I'm thinking of having the head vampire, a hopeless drunk,

whine that nobody will play Vampire: the Masquerade with him. The innocent-outsiders-scoping-out-the-room scene was starting to get a little top-heavy, so I figured I'd better get on with the dialogue.

[Orrex]

3. Something specifically Anne Rice-y (please specify)

How about a meeting of over-eager fans of what is, in the end, little more than a pretty conventional treatment of a well-established character archetype with occasional forays into artful passages separated by wide gulfs of unduly drawn-out prose?

Sorry. I lived in a college town when Rice's acolytes moved in numbers and practically tripped over themselves in their efforts to praise the Dark Matron of modern literature. I read four of her works and just don't get it.

Like you said. She wrote her own parodies.


Maybe a Gothic Quilting Bee?

[LeftyMom]

5. Sitting around a table role playing?

I can't figure out if this would be funnier with them playing Vampire or another game ('cause vampires pretendng to be vampires is funny, but vampires pretending to be werewolves or faeries is a riot, IMO.)

I like the DDR idea too, it's kinda surreal.

[myrna minx]

6. A gossipy immortal knitting circle or coffee clutch.

I mean, come on, if your immortal, there's alot of people to gossip and talk smack about! Ooohhh-and just think of all of the beautiful knitted cloaks, capes and bodices!:lovaya: Perhaps one of the vamps could in a fit of irony, knit stake cozys.

[ET Awful]

7. A Blood Bootlegging ring, they steal blood from bloodbanks, cut it with

plasma, and keep a whole lot of the real deal for themselves, then they sell the now cut blood back to the bloodbanks at a profit.

:evilgrin:

[DS1]

11. Coin-Operated Horse Ride

that 'whinnies' very loudly at the most inappropriate times

[kay1864]

12. Vampire bar joke!

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I vant a pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I vill only have plasma."

The bartender says, "Okay, so that's two bloods and one blood light..."

<rim-shot>

[Patiod]

32. I told everyone in my office that joke a few weeks ago

and laughed myself silly every time I told it.

And now I wonder why they think I'm eccentric

[flvegan]

13. LAN gaming party

Sorta stealing from LeftyMom's post here, too, I think. But they could be playing one of the vampire-esque video games like Bloodrayne (I think that's one) or something.

[WeRQ4U]

15. Something to do with Gubernatorial debates and ritual impalement.

Hey, it's good enough for the guy from Minnesota.

[Bridget Burke]

18. Demon Karaoke or Kitten Poker!

I prefer the Whedon Undead to Ms Rice's.

[Bossy Monkey]

22. See, I'm so unhip I had to look up both references, though both

cracked me up. I've already written most of the scene, or anyway the scoping-out-the-room setup, but I may add in one guy watching Buffy reruns just for fun. Thanks for the great suggestions regardless!

[Orsino]

19. Watering down of the blood w/ plasma. n/t

[SOteric]

20. Have them all

replaying LOST season one DVDs and heatedly debating the myriad mysteries of the series. It's the number one casual gathering activity these days.

[Fox Mulder]

21. Well, the Anne Rice vampires couldn't/didn't have sex, for one...

so why not an orgy? :D

If you dont' want to go that route, then go the route of Joss Whedon's vampires and have them biting and drinking from each other? :shrug:

[TrogL]

24. Politics, of course

[LSK]

25. no naked mud wrestling??

:shrug:

[kay1864]

26. Okay, seriously...

No mirrors in the bathrooms. (do vampires even have to pee?)

Is blood on tap? Or maybe kept chilled in bags in the fridge, then warmed to room temperature? I would think it would be served in elegant crystal glasses, not beer steins or anything. Maybe graded by age (or health) of donor, like "coffee" bars in Amsterdam.

Sign posted: "All our blood is fresh daily, never frozen"

Bar games, like darts? Maybe not, boring when they all score bullseyes.

Very dim lighting I would think.

Ooh, if this is a *back* room, maybe that's where they keep humans captive, to get their blood "from the source". Lots more expensive than by-the-glass, of course.

Communion wafers for dipping?

[Bossy Monkey]

28. Funny, funny stuff

You reminded me of one of my favorite of my own one-liners: "If vampires have no reflection, how come their hair's always so neat?" Maybe I'll stick it in.

All your stuff is great, but I think it's just a normal bar that's filled up from a vampire convention. Any blood-drinking activities I'd imagine they would have to provide themselves.

[kay1864]

31. Oh this is a regular human bar!

I thought it was specifically for vampires.

Well in that case, they'd have hip flasks, doncha think? And ya gotta have a waitress coming by, "Can I get you anything else?" followed by all the vampires giving her The Stare...

[Strong Atheist]

27. Working on their diabolical plot to

[Bossy Monkey]

29. To... to... to... what? Don't leave me hangin' like that!

:P

(Actually, they're going to turn out to be the good guys. At least relatively speaking.)

[Strong Atheist]

30. Hey, you're the writer ... I already gave you the

million dollar idea, it's time for you to do a bit of work here, fill in some small details ...

[Patiod]

33. Two words: Kitten Poker

I thought all vampire bars offered gambling for boxes of kittens?

/Buffy reference